The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (3 page)
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Authors: Bill Maher
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Political, #General, #Topic, #Political Science, #Essays
BOOK: The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
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AISLE BE BACK
BABY GAP SMEAR
New Rules:
Don’t grab a checkout-counter microphone, as someone recently did, and tell all the black people to get out of Whole Foods. One: It’s racist. Two: It’s not funny. Three: There are no black people in Whole Foods.
ALL SHALLOWS EVEDon’t grab a checkout-counter microphone, as someone recently did, and tell all the black people to get out of Whole Foods. One: It’s racist. Two: It’s not funny. Three: There are no black people in Whole Foods.
New Rule:
Halloween must replace July Fourth as our National Holiday. Forget fireworks. Any day that combines spoiling children, corrosive food, and superstition says everything about this country anyone needs to know.
ALTITUDE ADJUSTMENTHalloween must replace July Fourth as our National Holiday. Forget fireworks. Any day that combines spoiling children, corrosive food, and superstition says everything about this country anyone needs to know.
New Rule:
The kid behind me on the plane who’s kicking my seat must put that energy to good use and beat the shit out of the kid in front of me on the plane who’s playing peekaboo.
ANG LEE DIATRIBEThe kid behind me on the plane who’s kicking my seat must put that energy to good use and beat the shit out of the kid in front of me on the plane who’s playing peekaboo.
New Rule:
Stop saying
Brokeback Mountain
lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash. The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash. Besides, if
Brokeback Mountain
taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing wrong with coming in number two.
ANGEL DUSTStop saying
Brokeback Mountain
lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash. The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash. Besides, if
Brokeback Mountain
taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing wrong with coming in number two.
New Rule:
Your drug dealer and your priest should be two different dudes. An Illinois priest has been charged with operating a cocaine business out of his rectory. And you know how painful that can be. You think being
hit on
by your priest is unbearable, try having to talk to him for five hours because he can’t get it up.
ANTI-HEROYour drug dealer and your priest should be two different dudes. An Illinois priest has been charged with operating a cocaine business out of his rectory. And you know how painful that can be. You think being
hit on
by your priest is unbearable, try having to talk to him for five hours because he can’t get it up.
New Rule:
Now that Subway has passed McDonald’s as the biggest franchise on earth, they need to change their name to something that doesn’t make me think of a homeless guy pissing himself on the A train. Also, if you order your lunch by the foot, you should reexamine your relationship with food.
APP SMEARNow that Subway has passed McDonald’s as the biggest franchise on earth, they need to change their name to something that doesn’t make me think of a homeless guy pissing himself on the A train. Also, if you order your lunch by the foot, you should reexamine your relationship with food.
New Rule:
Don’t do that. Introducing Phone Fingers, a tiny rubber sheath that fits snugly over a finger—or, as they’re called in Asia, condoms. Look, if either your phone or your finger has been somewhere so filthy you have to wear protection, nobody wants a call from you, anyway.
AQUA VULVADon’t do that. Introducing Phone Fingers, a tiny rubber sheath that fits snugly over a finger—or, as they’re called in Asia, condoms. Look, if either your phone or your finger has been somewhere so filthy you have to wear protection, nobody wants a call from you, anyway.
New Rule:
This saltwater blobfish must be renamed the World’s Saddest Vagina.
ARCH ENEMYThis saltwater blobfish must be renamed the World’s Saddest Vagina.
New Rule:
You have to wear socks to the airport so the rest of us don’t have to look at your stanky-ass feet in the security line. Seriously, between your stinky piggies and the obese lady in the stretch pants, how am I supposed to stay erect during my security pat-down?
ATTACK OF THE COLOGNESYou have to wear socks to the airport so the rest of us don’t have to look at your stanky-ass feet in the security line. Seriously, between your stinky piggies and the obese lady in the stretch pants, how am I supposed to stay erect during my security pat-down?
New Rule:
Old Spice will never be hip. Old Spice has introduced OS Signature for men. Yes, that same great scent from 1938 now in a spray bottle. Yeah, because that’s what chicks dig—guys who smell like the uncle who molested them. “OS . . . like the men who wear it—a little too familiar.”
AUTO NEUROTICOld Spice will never be hip. Old Spice has introduced OS Signature for men. Yes, that same great scent from 1938 now in a spray bottle. Yeah, because that’s what chicks dig—guys who smell like the uncle who molested them. “OS . . . like the men who wear it—a little too familiar.”
New Rule:
Valet parkers have to stop parking the swanky cars right in front of the restaurant while all the Toyotas and Fords get taken to a vacant lot six blocks away. We all know that America is a land of vast inequality; we don’t need to be reminded of it by a Guatemalan immigrant in a red vest. Besides, the Maserati in front of the Olive Garden doesn’t say, “This is a classy restaurant,” it says, “Some coke dealer wants spaghetti.”
AUTO NIXValet parkers have to stop parking the swanky cars right in front of the restaurant while all the Toyotas and Fords get taken to a vacant lot six blocks away. We all know that America is a land of vast inequality; we don’t need to be reminded of it by a Guatemalan immigrant in a red vest. Besides, the Maserati in front of the Olive Garden doesn’t say, “This is a classy restaurant,” it says, “Some coke dealer wants spaghetti.”
New Rule:
Since nobody reacts to car alarms anymore, stop putting alarms in cars. Face it. At this point, car alarms are like Glenn Beck: annoying, pointless, and everyone’s finally learned to ignore them. When I hear one, my first thought is: “Please, God, I hope someone is stealing that car so they’ll drive it away from my window.”
Since nobody reacts to car alarms anymore, stop putting alarms in cars. Face it. At this point, car alarms are like Glenn Beck: annoying, pointless, and everyone’s finally learned to ignore them. When I hear one, my first thought is: “Please, God, I hope someone is stealing that car so they’ll drive it away from my window.”
SURREAL ESTATENew Rule:
Not to burst your bubble, but all bubbles burst.I don’t want to say real estate is overpriced these days, but I had a refrigerator delivered this morning and a homeless guy offered me three million for the box.What’s so distressing about this is that we just went through a bubble-bursting trauma with the dot-com crash, and here we are just five years later with real estate prices that could aptly be compared to Courtney Love: irrationally high and about to collapse.Americans can no longer remember even recent history. Detroit has completely forgotten the lesson of the ’70s, which was: When an oil crisis looms, stop making Godzillamobiles. In Iraq, George Bush totally forgot the lesson of Vietnam: Call Dad.And yet, to be fair, it’s not in the red states where this market insanity is most acute—it’s among the supposedly savvy coastal elites, where buyers are dumping trillions into mortgages they can’t afford, proving again just how much people will pay to
not
live in Kansas.California is out of control: One property in San Diego sold five times in one day, with the price going up and up and up until it was just a picture of Donald Trump laughing.But it won’t be funny when the bubble bursts and people start going bankrupt, taking banks down with them, and then the markets and then the dollar, causing mass rebellion against the government—at which point the Republicans will run an election based on renaming Amtrak the Jesus Choo Choo—and win.Because if there’s one thing that Republicans schooled in the ways of Wall Street have taught us, it’s this: Don’t spend money you don’t have.Spend money
other
people don’t have.—August 26, 2005
New Rule:
It’s inhumane to put someone with special needs in front of a huge crowd. And it’s also bad for the baby.
BABY POUTERIt’s inhumane to put someone with special needs in front of a huge crowd. And it’s also bad for the baby.
New Rule:
The apparel industry must design some sort of “face bra” to lift and pull in John Boehner’s lower lip.
BACHELOR PAD THAIThe apparel industry must design some sort of “face bra” to lift and pull in John Boehner’s lower lip.
New Rule:
Screenwriters have to think up a new cliché for single people other than the old carton of Chinese food in the refrigerator. According to every movie and TV show ever made, all single people have that one carton of Chinese food in their fridge, and then they smell it and recoil from the stench. And that’s how we know they’re single. How about this instead? Just show the character having sex. And that’s how we know they’re not married.
BAD FORMScreenwriters have to think up a new cliché for single people other than the old carton of Chinese food in the refrigerator. According to every movie and TV show ever made, all single people have that one carton of Chinese food in their fridge, and then they smell it and recoil from the stench. And that’s how we know they’re single. How about this instead? Just show the character having sex. And that’s how we know they’re not married.
New Rule:
Online retailers must stop pestering me for “feedback.” I’m a customer, not some chick you just boned. “How was it? Are you satisfied?” Shhh. Let’s just lie here and not talk. Look, let me define our entire relationship: I type in my credit card number, you send me a big jug of Canadian Vicodin.
BAG MANOnline retailers must stop pestering me for “feedback.” I’m a customer, not some chick you just boned. “How was it? Are you satisfied?” Shhh. Let’s just lie here and not talk. Look, let me define our entire relationship: I type in my credit card number, you send me a big jug of Canadian Vicodin.
New Rule:
Science must get off its ass and invent a way for men to carry things without looking like morons. Why is it that I still have to choose between being the hippie with the backpack, the tool with the briefcase, or the doofus with the fanny pack? Besides, we already have a ridiculous-looking bag in which we carry our most prized possessions. It’s called a scrotum.
BAIT EXPECTATIONSScience must get off its ass and invent a way for men to carry things without looking like morons. Why is it that I still have to choose between being the hippie with the backpack, the tool with the briefcase, or the doofus with the fanny pack? Besides, we already have a ridiculous-looking bag in which we carry our most prized possessions. It’s called a scrotum.
New Rule:
Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn’t make you a wildlife enthusiast—it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get “face-to-face” with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts. And he got ate. A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words: “Good chum.”
BALLET FLOPGetting up close and personal with sharks doesn’t make you a wildlife enthusiast—it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get “face-to-face” with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts. And he got ate. A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words: “Good chum.”
New Rule:
Someone has to explain to me the difference between announcing the lineup for
Dancing with the Stars
and
Where Are They Now?
Just admit it, folks: You wanted to be relevant again, and it was between this and making a sex tape.
BARACK LIKE MESomeone has to explain to me the difference between announcing the lineup for
Dancing with the Stars
and
Where Are They Now?
Just admit it, folks: You wanted to be relevant again, and it was between this and making a sex tape.
New Rule:
Stop saying Barack Obama isn’t black enough. First you weren’t sure America was ready for a black president. And now he’s not black enough? “Hmm, I like his stand on the issues, but can he dunk?” Why are we even talking about him this way? Mitt Romney—
Stop saying Barack Obama isn’t black enough. First you weren’t sure America was ready for a black president. And now he’s not black enough? “Hmm, I like his stand on the issues, but can he dunk?” Why are we even talking about him this way? Mitt Romney—
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