The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (6 page)
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Authors: Bill Maher
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Political, #General, #Topic, #Political Science, #Essays
BOOK: The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
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CHAI NOON
CLERK BAR
New Rule:
Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job.
CHAIN OF FOOLSGun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job.
New Rule:
The next clever thing you invent that conveniently fits on my keychain must be a device that helps me
lift my keychain.
Thanks to the dongle that unlocks my car, the gadget that stores my computer files, and the dingus that gives me my supermarket discounts, I’m now the dorkus who can barely get my keys into my pocket. And no, geeks, that bulge in your pants doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look like you have a Swiss Army penis.
CHICK CORNEAThe next clever thing you invent that conveniently fits on my keychain must be a device that helps me
lift my keychain.
Thanks to the dongle that unlocks my car, the gadget that stores my computer files, and the dingus that gives me my supermarket discounts, I’m now the dorkus who can barely get my keys into my pocket. And no, geeks, that bulge in your pants doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look like you have a Swiss Army penis.
New Rule:
Don’t keep the Super Glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and—yes, she Super Glued her eyes shut. And after seeing what happened, her husband of many years took the Super Glue and moved it next to the toothpaste.
CHIME AND PUNISHMENTDon’t keep the Super Glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and—yes, she Super Glued her eyes shut. And after seeing what happened, her husband of many years took the Super Glue and moved it next to the toothpaste.
New Rule:
Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It’s not like you’re doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck?
CHINA FILL-UPSChurches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It’s not like you’re doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck?
New Rule:
You can mess with your friends when they pass out, but not in the ass. When a Chinese man passed out drunk, his friends thought it’d be funny if they placed a live eel in his rectum. And then it gnawed through his guts and he died. The worst part of this story? That’s how they make moo goo gai pan.
CHOP STICKLERSYou can mess with your friends when they pass out, but not in the ass. When a Chinese man passed out drunk, his friends thought it’d be funny if they placed a live eel in his rectum. And then it gnawed through his guts and he died. The worst part of this story? That’s how they make moo goo gai pan.
New Rule:
Waiters in Asian restaurants have to stop giving me attitude when I ask for a fork. It’s not a hate crime, you know. Now, if you’d please, I’d like to get that food you just put in front of me into my stomach before it dawns on me what the fuck it is.
CHROME LIMBSWaiters in Asian restaurants have to stop giving me attitude when I ask for a fork. It’s not a hate crime, you know. Now, if you’d please, I’d like to get that food you just put in front of me into my stomach before it dawns on me what the fuck it is.
New Rule:
Stop with Michelle Obama’s arms. Women were clamoring for the issue of
Women’s Health
magazine in which Michelle’s trainer tells how you can get her guns in just nine minutes a day. But I don’t buy that, because First Lady Laura Bush’s arms never got that cut, and she spent eight years holding on to a dumbbell.
CHUBBY CHECKERStop with Michelle Obama’s arms. Women were clamoring for the issue of
Women’s Health
magazine in which Michelle’s trainer tells how you can get her guns in just nine minutes a day. But I don’t buy that, because First Lady Laura Bush’s arms never got that cut, and she spent eight years holding on to a dumbbell.
New Rule:
Before telling me all about your Let’s Move healthy-schools program, you have to explain why the kid in your poster has an erection.
CLAMBER ALERTBefore telling me all about your Let’s Move healthy-schools program, you have to explain why the kid in your poster has an erection.
New Rule:
The shirtless douche bag who climbs up on a light post at every spontaneous street celebration must be Tasered immediately. No one is thinking, “Hey, look at that guy high above the rest of us—he’s our leader.” We’re all thinking, “Why’d he wear shorts? I can see his nuts.”
CLASP WARFAREThe shirtless douche bag who climbs up on a light post at every spontaneous street celebration must be Tasered immediately. No one is thinking, “Hey, look at that guy high above the rest of us—he’s our leader.” We’re all thinking, “Why’d he wear shorts? I can see his nuts.”
New Rule:
When the news story about record home foreclosures is followed immediately by the story about Victoria’s Secret’s new $2 million jewel-encrusted bra, maybe it
is
time to redistribute the wealth. The bra contains 1,542 carats of white diamonds, blue sapphires, and blue topaz set in 18-carat white gold. And yet it’s
still
an annoying eyesore when you leave it hanging over the shower rod.
CLASS ACTIONWhen the news story about record home foreclosures is followed immediately by the story about Victoria’s Secret’s new $2 million jewel-encrusted bra, maybe it
is
time to redistribute the wealth. The bra contains 1,542 carats of white diamonds, blue sapphires, and blue topaz set in 18-carat white gold. And yet it’s
still
an annoying eyesore when you leave it hanging over the shower rod.
New Rule:
Scientists must tell us what’s in Tampa’s drinking water that makes teachers want to fuck their students. Remember Debra Lafave of Tampa? Well, three more Tampa schoolmarms have been arrested for having sex with kids in their class. Authorities are warning parents to look for telltale signs of an affair, like a sudden change in your child’s behavior or a note on his report card that says, “Tommy is a pleasure to have in my vagina.”
CLAYDARScientists must tell us what’s in Tampa’s drinking water that makes teachers want to fuck their students. Remember Debra Lafave of Tampa? Well, three more Tampa schoolmarms have been arrested for having sex with kids in their class. Authorities are warning parents to look for telltale signs of an affair, like a sudden change in your child’s behavior or a note on his report card that says, “Tommy is a pleasure to have in my vagina.”
New Rule:
You can’t call it coming out of the closet when the door was wide open, the closet was made of glass, and everyone could see you in there having gay sex. Clay Aiken says he came out because he didn’t want to lie to his infant son. Dude, even the baby knew you were gay. I can’t wait to see next week’s issue of
People.
You can’t call it coming out of the closet when the door was wide open, the closet was made of glass, and everyone could see you in there having gay sex. Clay Aiken says he came out because he didn’t want to lie to his infant son. Dude, even the baby knew you were gay. I can’t wait to see next week’s issue of
People.
New Rule:
The lady at the drugstore doesn’t have to wear a lab coat. You’re not Madame Curie, and I’m not shopping for radium. With all due respect, professor, I just want some beer and some Slim Jims, and everywhere else was closed.
CLOTHES CALLThe lady at the drugstore doesn’t have to wear a lab coat. You’re not Madame Curie, and I’m not shopping for radium. With all due respect, professor, I just want some beer and some Slim Jims, and everywhere else was closed.
New Rule:
Ed Hardy fashions need more shit going on. When I run into someone in an Ed Hardy getup, I don’t know whether to compliment his style or start looking for Waldo.
CLUB FOR GROWTHEd Hardy fashions need more shit going on. When I run into someone in an Ed Hardy getup, I don’t know whether to compliment his style or start looking for Waldo.
New Rule:
California, the state with the most debt and the most marijuana dispensaries, must be allowed to avoid bankruptcy by selling weed to neighboring states. That’s how we’ll get out of this budget crisis—by holding a “baked sale.” It’s the perfect solution. We need the cash . . . and Arizona needs to chill the fuck out.
CLUELESSCalifornia, the state with the most debt and the most marijuana dispensaries, must be allowed to avoid bankruptcy by selling weed to neighboring states. That’s how we’ll get out of this budget crisis—by holding a “baked sale.” It’s the perfect solution. We need the cash . . . and Arizona needs to chill the fuck out.
New Rule:
The person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the
People
magazine crossword puzzle has to be ashamed of themselves. I don’t know who you are, but “Desperate _____wives”? Nothing? A three-letter word for “Writing utensil, you’re holding it in your hand.” Here’s one more for you: Four letters, begins with a
v,
something you shouldn’t be allowed to do this November.
COIF DROPThe person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the
People
magazine crossword puzzle has to be ashamed of themselves. I don’t know who you are, but “Desperate _____wives”? Nothing? A three-letter word for “Writing utensil, you’re holding it in your hand.” Here’s one more for you: Four letters, begins with a
v,
something you shouldn’t be allowed to do this November.
New Rule:
If you see me every day and then I get a haircut, you don’t have to ask me, “Hey, did you get a haircut?” No. No. I’m the one person on the planet whose hair grows in reverse. And in a completely neat and uniform way. Isn’t that weird? I’m like the Benjamin Button of hair. I’ve been to the Mayo Clinic, Mass General, Johns Hopkins—no one can figure it out. And now they want to call the condition Maherism. But who wants to be remembered that way? As a man whose hair grew back into his head every six weeks or so? Whose hair will one day grow all the way into my brain and then come out my eyeballs. Oh, the shame of it! Please, oh, vengeful God, take me now! . . . Yes, I got a haircut.
COLLECTILE DYSFUNCTIONIf you see me every day and then I get a haircut, you don’t have to ask me, “Hey, did you get a haircut?” No. No. I’m the one person on the planet whose hair grows in reverse. And in a completely neat and uniform way. Isn’t that weird? I’m like the Benjamin Button of hair. I’ve been to the Mayo Clinic, Mass General, Johns Hopkins—no one can figure it out. And now they want to call the condition Maherism. But who wants to be remembered that way? As a man whose hair grew back into his head every six weeks or so? Whose hair will one day grow all the way into my brain and then come out my eyeballs. Oh, the shame of it! Please, oh, vengeful God, take me now! . . . Yes, I got a haircut.
New Rule:
Scientists must explain why we will stop and watch a movie on cable even though we own that exact same movie on DVD and could watch it anytime we want. I call it
Shawshank
syndrome, and I’ve realized DVDs are a lot like marriage. When it’s there every single night just sitting right in front of you . . . for some reason, you don’t feel like putting it in.
COLOR COMMENTARYScientists must explain why we will stop and watch a movie on cable even though we own that exact same movie on DVD and could watch it anytime we want. I call it
Shawshank
syndrome, and I’ve realized DVDs are a lot like marriage. When it’s there every single night just sitting right in front of you . . . for some reason, you don’t feel like putting it in.
New Rule:
It’s okay for a black man to be the dumb guy in a commercial. It seems like in every commercial on television it’s always the black guy who knows the fastest wireless network, knows the best car-rental company, knows the best place to buy music. Black people aren’t always smarter than white people. It just sometimes seems that way by comparison.
It’s okay for a black man to be the dumb guy in a commercial. It seems like in every commercial on television it’s always the black guy who knows the fastest wireless network, knows the best car-rental company, knows the best place to buy music. Black people aren’t always smarter than white people. It just sometimes seems that way by comparison.
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