The One Addicted (48 page)

   
As my stomach does somersaults I try to hold his gaze steadily. It takes everything I have to appear nonchalant, as if I don’t want to throw his cocky arse back on the street and say I’m not ready for you, come back in an hour but it needed to be done and now.
 

   
“Oh don’t mind me, guys, I’ve tea to sort for the kids anyway.” Meg flusters, open mouthed in her awe of Sebastian’s presence. I sense that she is not ready to escape from the difficult atmosphere but would actually prefer to be a voyeur. This is probably the most excitement she’s had in forever, now that she’s dating dreary Leo the accountant. Sebastian turns his head back to her, obviously questioning why she is still there and with a quick eye-roll directed at me, over Sebastian’s head, she mouths
Good Luck
and closes the door behind her.
Thanks, I’ve a feeling I’m going to need it.

          
*****

It’s only then, that I allow myself to really look at Sebastian and my mouth dries, as I take-in the image of his black leather attire. Oh my word he’s come in his motorbike gear; I’m already on the back foot – which he probably realised would happen when he decided to come. He’s so not playing fair!

   
Putting his helmet down on the console table, he walks straight through to the lounge, down the stairs and into the kitchen, (sorry
my
kitchen, I think petulantly) and barks up in my direction, “Are you coming down then?”

   
He’s in a great mood.
 

   
Dumb-founded at his arrogance, I duly follow, hastily checking my appearance in the frameless hall mirror en route. I flick my hair over and smooth it out a little and apprehensively pad down into the basement floor. Taking a deep breath, I hold it a while and then expel it with an exaggerated pursing of my lips; this was going to be tough but I had that excitable flippy-floppy tummy thing going on that happened before you went on a death-trap ride; all eagerness and fear rolled-up into one ball of butterflies.

   
Sebastian has already opened the back door when I enter the kitchen, the fresh breeze that fills it is a welcome addition. The rain is pouring into the small yard to the exterior of the house and the sound is deafening as it runs off the roof, through the gutter and escapes via the many cracks, running in heavy trickles onto the path below.

   
“Well?” he practically spits the word out, his eyes burning into me in pure contempt.
 

   
What the fuck? Who the hell does he think he is? What have I done?

   
I purposely delay answering him and wander over to the door leaning against it. I stare right back at him, taking in his dark brown eyes and tight jaw. God, he is angry.
 

   
“I don’t jump at your every command, Sebastian.”

   
His eyes assess my every move but he doesn’t speak so I continue. “Get rid of the attitude. Now!” My own voice trembles. I am so annoyed.
He was pissed, I understood that but he wasn’t helping and the more he acted so foul the more I retracted from him and it would get us nowhere fast.
   

   
He rubs his hand over his smooth head in exasperation, obviously uncomfortable.

   
“We
need
to talk.” Nothing but silence…again.

   
“We do. I agree.”

   
“You’ve ignored me since last night - do I have something to be worried about?”

   
“No. Of course not.” Leaning out into the night air, my face and hair are instantly soaked from the overhanging drip above. Great. Not such a good look. Fuck it. The air is so humid in the kitchen, due to the weather and the tempestuous tension in there, that the cool water now running off my hair onto my skin is actually very liberating and enjoying the sensation I step out onto the patio. I don’t wait for Sebastian as I hold my arms up to the dark grey turbulent sky and embrace the cool shower. Seb is leaning against the doorframe, just watching me. I cannot tell what he is thinking, but his eyes are hooded and his mouth set in a grim line.

   
“I should never have let you go inside last night.” He sounds emotional. “We started the night off fine. It was amazing and then I don’t know where it went wrong? You went all insular on me - you were so cold.”

   
I wince. “I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention. I was just so tired.”

   
“And today - my calls, emails? Nada, Lu - you sent me to Coventry.”

   
“I sent you a text!”
 

   
“Well I didn’t get anything.”

   
“I promise - I asked you to meet me here at 8pm.” I can’t believe he’s being so obtuse and to prove a point I retract my phone from my pocket, scroll down to his name in my messages folder and go to the one I sent him earlier… where it sits unsent and unread with an exclamation mark next to it.
Oh crap!
“Bloody signal at work - see I typed it and thought I’d sent it. See!” I shove the phone in his face but his unimpressed look is statuesque. I’d probably be the same in his shoes.

   
I look at my feet, my voice breaks a little. “I’m sorry, I should have realised when you never replied.”

   
“This isn’t about some text, Lu. It’s about me giving a piece of myself to you in a way I’ve never done for anyone before; my heart - and you throwing it back in my face.”
   
I’m getting more and more irritated by the second. “Please don’t think that Seb - this isn’t about the fact that I don’t love you, just the opposite I promise.” I’m controlled as I spell it out to him, surprisingly calm in fact.

   
“Really? So what’s this about - is this about me not wanting kids?” He orders, his voice like a whiplash

   
Lightening splits the moment and the yard is floodlit with a lilac white flash. I can see the anger in him clearly and it must be mirrored in me, as he come towards me, instantly joining me for the cool shower and is soaked immediately. I watch a drop of water run its way from his shoulder to the hem of his black and red biker jacket. My hands itches to reach out and catch it. I snap out of the daydream, annoyed with myself at the direction of my thoughts. “Because I’ve wracked my brain and the only thing I can think that has happened between us in the past week that could possibly be a cause for your withdrawal from me is our discussion about children.”

   
Holy shit - what do I do - what do I do - what do I do?
   
“It’s not that - although I’d like to reopen that discussion at some point in the future?”

   
“That’s non-negotiable.”

   
“What? Never?”

   
“Never, Lu. I’ve already said Finn is enough for us. I don’t want children.”

    
With that last admission, I break, my bottom lip trembles, I’m suddenly very cold and shivering uncontrollably. I’m soaked through to the skin. I’ve pushed too far, too soon, I know it but I can’t seem to stop and I nod. “Come, let’s go inside.”

   
“I’m sorry.” A deep voice rasps nearby. He must have moved towards me again and I feel his hands on my shoulders, pulling me into his embrace. He lifts my chin with one finger and repeats, “I’m so sorry, Lu if you feel suffocated - fuck - I don’t know how to do this. I don’t do relationships. I just know that I can’t be without you. I fucking love you.”

   
Turning my back from him to try and compose myself, I rack my brain for how to finish things here. It is already apparent that now is not the time to tell him about the baby - if there ever will be a good time. Now he truly has the upper hand.

   
I move towards him, framing his face - my chest feels like it could explode with emotions I have for this sexy man, standing in the rain, expressing his love for me. Why is it that the three words I craved to hear are now not enough?

   
“I love you, baby - so much. I’m so sorry you feel I’ve withdrawn from you…” I kiss the corner of his lips. “…that’s an impossibility when I’m thoroughly addicted to you.”
 

   
I can feel my heart pummelling against my ribs, and he draws me firmly to his chest. “What do I need
 
to do to convince you that I’m all in, lady?”

   
Take back your words about not wanting babies with me.
My thoughts make my soul ache and I bite my lip to stop the tears. “I believe you, Seb.”

   
“I love you, and I love your body and I’ve not been inside you for getting on for ooh 24 hours. Let me show you, baby what you mean to me.”

   
My heart skips a beat at the sentimentality in his voice. I know he truly means it. It’s not all about sex with us - it’s his way of showing me how he feels and I nod.

   
“I need to be with you tonight, Lu - to stay with you.”

   
I have Finn but I need him too and I nod, taking his hand. I lead him back into the kitchen, switch off and we make our way upstairs.
 

*****

    
I have so many questions for the beautiful woman tucked in beside me, her soft body snuggled against mine.
Why won’t you tell me what is really bothering you? What is stopping you from truly embracing us? Why won’t you let me in? What happened between Dubai International Airport and dropping you off at your house on Sunday night? Why did you fuck me into oblivion in the cinema, let go of all your inhibitions so beautifully and twenty minutes later withdraw from me as though my touch repelled you?
 

   
I’m driving myself mad with all the conflicting thoughts parading around my head, all with no obvious answers, just more murkiness and no way of getting myself out of the fog. It was impossible and I was irritating myself further with every second - I’d officially become a member of the opposite sex and grown a vagina, the amount of procrastinating I was doing over my
feelings
and
emotions
- I check under the sheet, nope, still got a dick. I need to get a grip, seriously!

   
She’d allowed me upstairs, and back into her bed. We’d dried off and I’d made love to her like it was the first and last time - pouring my heart and soul into it and when we came together and she shouted my name, I knew she was mine. I feel it but I also know her and there is something missing - something she’s not sharing with me.

    
It was a first for me to be staying with Finn asleep on the top floor of the terrace; a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with it; now it felt right and as I watch Lu sleeping beside me and I look around the room, so feminine and so her, I consider the demons she’d had to tackle to let me do just that; to allow me be to here, as man of the house with her and Finn and it warms me.