The Only Best Place (20 page)

Who wouldn't be feeling a tad jumpy right about now?

At the entrance to the sanctuary, a young couple handed out papers to the congregants. I got one along with a polite smile.
But as the woman looked at Dan, her smile shifted and her eyes crinkled with pleasure. “Hey, Danny. You coming to Mom and Dad's
open house?” She looked from Dan to me. “Is this your wife?”

“Leslie, this is Barry and Lorna Nichols,” Dan said, introducing us. “My cousins.”

“From Uncle Orest and Aunt Gerda?” See? I could do the Harland connect-the-dots thing.

“No. My parents are Tenie and Jeff Smith.”

Huh?

“Sorry,” Lorna said, laying a friendly hand on my shoulder. “My mom is a sister to Dennis and Orest. She married a Nichols.”

Spin went my head. “Okay.” I'd have to get Dan to draw up a family tree so I could be ready for the next family confrontation.
I thought Lorna said something about an open house? I was about to ask her but she bent over and shook Anneke's hand. She
looked up at me. “Your girl is such a little VandeKeere. And this little boy—why, he looks exactly like Gloria's oldest.”

Okay, wasn't staking a Harland claim on Anneke enough? Couldn't she at least give me Nicholas, who, I knew from my single
baby picture, was a miniature me?

“Wilma's sitting with Judy and Dayton and their kids, but I can see there's space for your family,” Lorna continued, glancing
through the double doors to the sanctuary, of which I had, until now, caught only a quick glimpse.

Anneke tugged on my hand. “I want to see Grandma,” she whined. Her voice caught Dan's attention, and he quickly ended the
discourse on crops and spray he and Barry had been having, and escorted me and Anneke down one of the aisles of the church.
As we walked, I caught snatches of conversation, whiffs of perfume, and scores of unfamiliar faces bathed by diffused lighting
filtering through the large stained-glass windows. I didn't know what to take in first—the people, the windows, the ceiling,
the large pipe organ in the front of the church.

A symphony of light and color overwhelmed me, combined with smells and people all gathered in one place for an event that
had nothing to do with celebrities or sports. I caught a sense of anticipation and community. I could see from the heads bent
toward each other, the gentle murmuring of conversation all around us, that these people knew each other. From the quick smiles
that people gave me and Dan as we passed, they all knew us, as well.

Community
, I thought. I had never really been a part of any group of people other than work, and that was a fractured group at best.
But as we made our way toward the front, I caught a glimpse of Delores. Though she was half-turned away from me, her voice
carried like a mess sergeant's. I saw another couple that had come into my department. I had my own little connections, I
thought as we came to the pew where Wilma and her children were sitting.

As Dan stepped into the pew, his mother looked at him, then past him to me. The pleasure that lit up her face made all the
agonizing over my decision to come worthwhile.

Nicholas promptly wiggled his way onto Wilma's lap and granted her his most beguiling smile. My brief flash of resentment
may not have been the most suitable emotion, considering my surroundings, but why did he always play the charmer with her?

Judy leaned forward in her seat and blew a kiss at her brother and waved at me.

Anneke sat between Dan and me, the toes of her best black shoes tapping out her happiness against each other.

I settled in, my gaze flitting from the gold and silver lines etched on the pale pink and silver painted pipes of the massive
pipe organ to the intricate patterns in the stained-glass windows to the plasterwork on the ceiling to the antique wooden
pews curved in a semicircle facing the front.

I saw age and beauty mingling with the reality that this had all been here longer than I had, longer than Dan's parents had,
longer than his grandparents had.
A heritage,
I thought wistfully. A bedrock of history I had no experience with.

Dan had been baptized in this church, had grown up surrounded by these walls, these people. Though I had heard the stories
and felt the weight of his legacy at the farm, this church—this unique community—brought into startling clarity the stability
of Dan's past life.

And his present life?

Did I dare dwell on that? “Give it time,” Dan was fond of saying lately as if the depletion of my chocolate account was buying
us the peace and stability we had been looking for since we got married.

Slowly the empty spaces around us filled and people greeted Dan and Wilma, smiling at me and Anneke and Nicholas, who blithely
ignored them all.

It was as if everyone knew Dan, and by extension, knew me and our kids and where we had come from and what Dan had done in
Seattle, how Dan's business had failed thanks to that man who had cheated us out of all that money.

My smile hid a swift flash of fear. If they knew this much about us in the short time we were here, how much would they know
in a few more months? My weight? Our bank account balance? Where I hid the chocolates so the kids couldn't find them?

“Leslie, how's the garden?” Judy asked, leaning past Wilma and Dan.

I gave her a careful smile. Once Wilma and Judy and Gloria left on that fateful day, I thought it best if I simply let nature
take its course in the garden department. Nature had a better handle on what to do with all those seeds than I did. I had
no idea what condition a garden was supposed to be at by this stage. “It's… growing.”

“Well, that's what gardens are supposed to do,” Judy said, adding a quick wink to her comment, which made me feel even more
uneasy. She knew I hadn't even so much as pulled a weed.

Just then a group of kids walked to the front of the church and picked up the various guitars that were set out on the stage.
I recognized Tabitha as she sat at the electric piano. She glanced our way with a self-conscious grin. A young man settled
himself behind a drum set that had been hidden by a screen. Everyone turned to Tabitha. She nodded once.

And music the likes of which I never thought a person would hear in church started up. It filled the building with pounding
rhythm. A screen rolled down from the front and words flashed onto it from a projector somewhere in the building.

I wonder what John Calvin's impression of this would be,
I thought as I rose to my feet with the rest of the congregation. Everyone started singing,Anneke and Dan singing right along.

Of the gathered people, it seemed only Nicholas and I didn't know this song.

I kept my eyes on the screen, listening intently, determined to make my own spot in this place, however temporary it might
be. Amazingly enough, the melody was simple and the words easy to sing, and by the third verse I caught right up.

At the end of the song, I chanced a sidelong glance down the row. Wilma's benevolent expression was a pale imitation of the
one she usually lavished on her beloved offspring, but hey, I took it for a cautious peace offering.

I think I can do this,
I thought as we settled into our pews after the third song.

The minister came to the front. He was a middle-aged man, slender with thinning blonde hair and wire-rimmed glasses. He had
a friendly smile and I noticed him glance our way, then hold my gaze. For a terrified moment I thought he was going to “out”
me and make me stand up and introduce myself. Then his eyes moved on and I breathed a sigh of relief.

As he read from the Bible, I became distracted by Anneke squirming onto my lap, fiddling with my necklace, then wiggling off
again. But when the minister was finished reading, he said, “This is God's Holy Word,” with an authority that caught my attention.

He then clasped the sides of the podium and looked around again, smiling. He started talking about what he had just read. About
God as invincible. As raw power whose spoken word created life. “Yet,” the minister said, “His greatest victory was when He
became weak and vulnerable. When He kept all the angels, that would have leapt to do His bidding, at bay. He overcame darkness
by letting His light be snuffed out.”

I tried to follow along, but he was kind of losing me with the light thing.

“When Jesus hung on the cross, when He gave up His life, He became a powerful force that broke the power of Satan forever.
It was His weakness, His letting go because of His great love for us, that gave us our greatest strength. We, too, must learn,
in love, to let go.” I glanced sidelong at Dan, his chin resting on Anneke's head. She had slipped into his lap during the
service and now had her head tucked into Dan's neck, her hair falling over her face.

Let go. Become weak.
Foreign concepts to me.

“Before giving us everything, before giving us all His love, all His grace, all His peace, God requires everything. All our
love, all our lives, all the things that we scramble so hard to achieve. All we have is from Him; to return it to Him is an
act of faith. Of falling gracelessly into the arms of grace. Of letting God's love hold us up.”

I closed my eyes as his words wound around my soul. Falling into the arms of grace. These poetic words touched a hunger buried
deep in my soul. Grace. Falling. Letting go. It sounded so easy. So peaceful. I liked the idea of God's love holding me up.

But that would mean letting go. Letting God take control.

Be careful, Leslie.

I heard Terra's voice of warning like a clear bell sounding, dangerous waters ahead.

I was pulled back to reality. I couldn't give this God what He demanded. Everything? Dan? My children? My dreams and plans?

Something inside me closed, fist hard.

I concentrated on my hands, letting my mind slip away to other things. The housecleaning I had been putting off and should
have been doing that morning. The laundry that was piling up. And I should really weed the garden.

Soon he was finished and we started singing a song that had an older tune. The words were vaguely familiar. I think I'd heard
them on the Christian radio station I listened to from time to time on my way to or from work. It was about the Father's love. Vast.
Beyond measure.

I sang along but couldn't connect with the words. In my mind I was already driving home, planning the work I had to do yet.

But as I looked at Dan, I caught a glimpse of that hunger I'd seen on his face before, and I felt like he was slipping away
from me again.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

U know where I stand on this whole weakness thing. Don't become like Mom—blaming everyone else—weak and afraid. I told U church
was 4 weak people. Doesn't this prove that? U are woman, hear U roar. Hear me roar. U need to come and see me. Cut loose.
Be my sis again.

Terrible Tempting Terra

W
ilma came and picked the kids up?” I held my cell phone and stared out at the parking lot where Kathy was supposed to have
been in a few minutes with my kids. I had looked forward all week to taking them shopping for Dan's birthday. Last year Dan
and I were so busy keeping our heads above water that his birthday simply floated by, one more casualty of trying to keep
things going. This year things were going to be different. I was even going to attempt the impossible. Dan's favorite chocolate
layer cake.

“When did she do that?”

“Earlier today. She sounded like she ran it past you.” Kathy's voice had a note of surrender. “She said she wanted to take
the kids shopping.”

My heart downshifted. Shopping. Right. Way to steal my thunder,Wilma. “She didn't tell me a thing.” Had I said something on
Sunday that gave her carte blanche to push her way further into our lives? Maybe she assumed we were now best friends? I pressed
down my anger as I leaned against the cold brick wall of the hospital. “Then I guess I get to drive home all alone.”

“Sorry about that. Next time I'll let you know.”

“I'm hoping there won't be a next time.”

“Hey, it's the kids' grandma. It's no big deal.” Kathy sounded reasonable until she heard my sigh. “I know I'm supposed to
be on your side, but at the same time I don't want to always be putting down your mother-in-law. She isn't the easiest person
to like, but I know I need to remind myself that God loves her, too.”

Anneke's song of the month bounced into my head. “… He loves me, too; He loves me, too; I know He loves me, too.” God
loved Anneke. God loved Wilma. What about me?

“She has her good points—” Kathy continued. “It's just that she has a take-charge attitude.” She paused. “Actually a kind
of take-over attitude.”

I felt abandoned. Just when I thought I had an ally in Kathy, she stood up for my nemesis mother-in-law. These were not the
rules we had been playing by up until now. I had understood that Kathy didn't like Wilma so, ipso facto, she would be my sounding
board on all things Wilma.

“You don't need to always put her down,” I conceded, “but in the VandeKeere family she's still the odds-on favorite. I really
could use someone on my side.”

“Don't worry, I still like you the bestest.”

“And you'll invite me to your birthday party and not her?”

“She won't even get a candy bag,” Kathy said, with a light laugh. “Are you going to stop by for some tea?”

“No. I should go home and pretend to be a responsible and loving mother, instead of a moneygrubbing health-care professional,”
I said. “That's code for nurse, by the way.”

“Don't talk like that, Leslie. You are a loving mother. But you're also trained to be a nurse. Doing that honors God as much
as if you stayed home every day with the kids.”

Honors God?
Didn't getting paid for what I did negate the honor of the work?

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said. “I'll take you up on the tea another day.”

“I'll hold you to that,” she said. Then I hung up, pushed myself away from the wall.