The Other Other Woman (37 page)

He excused himself to take a phone call from a client and I could overhear him ridiculing Obama on the phone outside on the porch. I made sure to hassle him about that when he came back in, which of course made him smile. We were having a great time together, just as we always did. We sat with our legs touching each other, we held hands, we kissed and fed each other across the table. He made me laugh constantly, and our conversation flowed effortlessly while the rain sprinkled down outside. All in all, it was a very romantic date. We both seemed to be getting tipsy, but I was especially. I hadn’t eaten much, being so nervous about his actions over the last few days. After a couple of hours and finishing off the bottle, we decided to head back. He purchased two bottles of garlic pepper sauce from their gift shop, one for each of us to cook with, and I stood up to leave with him. It was obvious I was in no condition to drive, I was definitely unsteady. I started doing that drunk chick giggle and handed him my keys.

On the way back, I showed him how my new car streamed music right off my cell phone so I played DJ while he drove. I made sure to pick all of the songs I knew he would like and introduced him to a couple of new ones, like “The Night Out” by Martin Solveig, which he deemed “phenomenal.” Music has always been so important to me, and I felt so carefree holding hands with him my new car, belting out songs that we both loved, together. It is easily still one of my favorite memories of him.

When we got back to the hotel, he popped the trunk to help me get my stuff out, so I guess he didn’t mind me coming in after all. We got into our room and set my bags down. He gave me a nice long kiss. I was still giggling, and I sat down in the little desk chair over in the corner. He turned me toward the bed next to me and he sat down on the edge, grabbing my legs and lifting them into his lap. He removed my shoes and massaged my feet as we chatted about the winery, mostly.

“That was kind of a sad selection of wine, didn’t you think?” he said.

“I don’t know. The South American one you bought was good!”

“Yeah, but she only brought that one out because we hated all the others. I’ve never been to a winery that didn’t at least have a few good reds. Especially gearing up for a weekend!”

“That’s true. I wonder what they do when more than two people show up… But it was a cute little place. I still had fun.”

“Oh definitely. I did too, sweetie.” He dropped his head and then looked back up at me through those lashes.

He started giving me that look as he held me around the back of my legs. I loved that look. But then unfortunately, he spoke.

“Babe… I… I really want to make love to you… but… I gotta get something to eat, like real food.”

WHAT!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU BEHAVING SO STRANGELY?!
” I wanted to scream. I should have just asked. I probably should have asked a week ago, but I was absolutely terrified of the answer now.

“What in the world? Matt, we just ate a truckload of snacks! How can you possibly be hungry, honey?”

“I don’t know. I just need real food, like a sandwich or something! What’s close by that we can run and get a quick bite?”

“I don’t know, there’s a little pizza place up the street,” I suggested. “They have subs too, it’s pretty good.”

“Okay, let’s go there.”

“Okay, whatever,” I sighed, standing up and putting my shoes back on.

“You aren’t hungry at all?”

“Um, no. I already ate, remember?”

He smiled apologetically, and put his arm around me, and off we went. This time we took his car and he made sure to tease me about how much he feared for his life when I had driven earlier. I apologized for him being such a pansy. Once inside the restaurant, we went out to the patio. It was unlikely that we would see anyone we knew there in the late afternoon, and quite honestly, I didn’t even care anymore. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was.

He ordered the bruschetta and insisted on getting me a cheesesteak even thought I told him several times I wasn’t hungry. He was able to eat half of it, though, and I was glad he would finally feel like he had enough food. I really didn’t know what to expect when we got back. There was never a time in our entire history where we had spent hours together without having sex. Or even trying to have sex. But other than being completely weird about the food, he was acting like everything was fine. Talking, laughing, kissing, and hugging. But I didn’t trust it, and the longer we sat at that restaurant, the more nervous and quiet I became.

He held my hand as he drove us back to the hotel, but he too was very subdued. It was perhaps the longest, most awkward pause ever. He put his arm around me as we walked back down to the room, and once inside, I sat back in the same chair while he went into the bathroom for a minute. He returned to the same scene, me sitting, waiting for him to either touch me or tell me what the hell was going on. Once again, he put his hands on my legs, this time bending forward and looking deeply into my eyes. My heart stopped when he opened his mouth.

“Mal, can we talk seriously for a minute now?”

“Sure.” OH NO. OH PLEASE NO.

He held my hands in his. “Mal… What, well… what are we doing here?”

“What do you mean, Matt?”

“Where are we going with this?”

“I don’t know. Where do you want this to go? You know how I feel about you. I have no idea what you want anymore.”

“I don’t know either, sweetie. But something has to change. I can’t keep going on like this, living this double life stuff. I’ve got to figure it out.”

“Okay, so let’s figure it out.”

He dropped his gaze from mine.

“Mal, I’ve been trying to think of how to say this without hurting you… because it’s not you. But… I can’t stay here tonight. It’s not that I don’t want to, sweetie. I just feel like I need to be at home right now.”

“Oh. I see,” I stammered. “Well, what does that mean for us going forward?”

“I don’t know right now.”

“So, what happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“What changed in three weeks?”

“Nothing, really. I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking about my future and what I want to do with the rest of my life.”

“Yeah, you’ve been saying that since I met you. But what happened since Greensboro?”

“Well, my wife and I have just been having a lot of serious talks lately about whether we should stay together or not, and then all this crap with Ivan… I just feel like I need to get on a better path.”

“Without me.”

“No, I’m not saying that. But I can’t keep sneaking around like this. I don’t want to be a liar and a cheater. That’s not who I am, Mal. I don’t want to go home with your scent on me and have to lie in bed next to her. It’s just not right.

“No, it’s not, I totally agree. But only you can change that.”

“I know… I have to figure it out. I’m almost 50, it’s not like I have but maybe 15 good years left, if I’m lucky. Do I really want to tear up my whole family but be free and happy and go run off to Miami? Or, I could stop sneaking around, and just recommit to her… but I know that it’s probably going to make me miserable for the rest of my life while trying to not upset everyone else.”

“Yeah, you do need to figure it out, because you can’t keep doing this to me, Matt. It’s not fair.”

“I know it’s not, sweetie, and I’m so sorry. You are fantastic, you are absolutely perfect and I care about you so much. But I don’t know if I can leave my family, and that’s what I would be doing,” he grabbed my face and brushed his lips across mine. “God, you have the most beautiful, expressive eyes,” he added, softly running his fingers over my face.

“What do you want me to say, Matt?”

“I don’t know. Tell me what you are thinking.”

“It doesn’t make any difference what I think. You’ve already made up your mind. You are still going to leave tonight.”

“Yes, it does, Mal, I want to know.”

“I don’t think there is any way that you are going to be faithful to her ever again, that’s what I think. No. Way. I can’t blame you for not wanting to leave; you’ve been married a long time. I know you don’t want to be ‘that guy,’ but I just don’t think you have a choice if you ever want to be truly happy. And I don’t even mean with me, just in general.”

“That’s what I need to find out, can I live the rest of my life like that.”

“I don’t know, Matt. I couldn’t stay. And now I can’t go back. I don’t regret leaving for one single second, but I’m not you. I don’t need people around me all the time, plus I have my kids. I think that would be pretty hard for you, honestly. You are used to being surrounded by people, eating big dinners together, and stuff like that. I think you would be very lonely if it was just you, I mean unless you moved in with someone pretty quickly, I guess.”

“I don’t know. I love it when I go to Miami or Memphis and it’s just me.”

“That’s for a few days. I’m the most independent person I know and even I get lonely and freak out sometimes, but I’ve always got Jules and Brooke who will talk me down. Not that I’m trying to convince you to stay with her, I’m just telling you what it’s actually like to be separated. It’s not the same as a weekend away, not even close. It can feel very isolating. Do you know how many friends I’ve lost simply because I’m not a ‘family’ anymore? No one wants to choose a side. It’s like separation and divorce are some disease that married people are afraid to catch. There is no easy way out. You just have to weigh the pros and cons and determine if it’s worth it to you.”

“My biggest fear is I really don’t think my kids would see me anymore. They would completely lose respect for me and not come around because they don’t want to hurt their mom. Right now, I watch sports with Mitch on the weekends and I cherish that time with him. I just don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have that relationship with him anymore.”

“Matt, they’re adults. They probably already know what’s up. Adult children do not expect their parents to stay together if they are miserable. They wouldn’t want that for you. Trust me. It would be awkward at first, for sure, but as long as you were fair to her and not putting her out on the street with nothing, they would eventually adjust.”

“I would never do that to her, you know that. I would give her more than she is legally entitled to, just to keep things amicable.”

“If you left.”

“Yes, if I left. If I left I would still be able to see you,” he added, squeezing my hand.

“Yeah. If you wanted to, I guess you would.”

“What do you mean,
if
I wanted to?!”

“Come on, you aren’t into this anymore. I thought maybe that changed in Greensboro, but I guess not.”

“Greensboro was one of the best times of my life, babe. I told you that. I’m just tired of the lies and sneaking around. I just need some time to sort it all out. I do want you.”

“Matt, if you wanted me that bad, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. When we first started out you couldn’t get enough of me. All we did was talk about getting in each other’s pants. It was constant flirting, constant texting and pictures, but now you barely respond at all or you act all awkward if I even try to flirt with you a little bit. I don’t know who you want, but it’s not me anymore…”

“It is you. It’s just that sometimes I don’t quite know how to respond to that stuff. I’ve never had someone who can’t wait to see me, who’s willing to drive six hours for me. Just for me. I’ve never met anyone like you before, someone who is so open and honest. You say exactly what’s on your mind and you mean every word. You have a very strong personality and it just throws me off sometimes. I have a hard time keeping up because I’ve never been with anyone like you before.”

“And all of that is bad… how?!”

“Listen,” he said, holding my face in his hands. “You are one of the best people I have ever met. You are the most loyal, dependable friend I know. I see the effects of it with Brooke, and I see it with me, and I trust you completely. And right now I need you to be my friend more than I need you to be my lover.”

I was starting to feel sick. “I need to lie down,” I said softly. Pressure behind my eyes throbbed as I lay back against the pillow. It suddenly became clear to me that the reason he wanted to go back out to eat was because he didn’t think I was sober enough for him to break up with me.

He joined me on the bed, letting me lay against him with my head on his chest. As I put my arm across him I realized he had at least three layers of shirts on. He must have been terrified that I was going to try to touch him.

“If you were to leave, what would change?” I asked quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, how would it be different for us? Would you come around more often, or would it just be this once every month or two stuff? This isn’t enough for me as it is, but that’s because you are married to her. But I’m stuck here. I can’t move. At least not anytime soon. So what would it mean for us if you left her? If anything at all?”

“It means I would want to see you as often as I possibly could.”

“Really?” I answered skeptically.

“Yes, really!? Why wouldn’t I?!”

“I don’t know. I tried so hard at first not to get too emotionally invested in this because I always felt like I was just someone more… I don’t know… casual to you. That you were okay just seeing me every couple of months, and you didn’t need anything more from me.”

“You wouldn’t want to have a regular relationship with me if I wasn’t married?”

“I didn’t think you wanted one, honestly.”

“Oh, so I’m just a boy toy to you, then?”

I knew he was trying to make a joke, but the fact that he had no idea how much I actually loved him made me start tearing up right away.

“You have never been just a boy toy to me. Ever.”

“I know, sweetie,” he said, kissing me again. “I was just trying to lighten things up a little. I’m sorry I gave you the impression that you didn’t mean more than that to me. You mean the world to me. But I didn’t want to tell you I loved you if I couldn’t leave my marriage.”

What was that supposed to mean? That he loved me or he didn’t?

“I don’t understand why you have to go back tonight,” I said, obviously upset. “Why can’t you stay here and figure it out starting tomorrow?” He just stared at me, his eyes welling up.