The Pixilated Peeress (7 page)

             
Thorolf looked into the tub. "Nay; we need four buckets more."

             
When four additional buckets had been emptied, Thorolf said, "Methinks that will do."

             
The mai
d went out, but the potboy hung around say
ing: "Will there be aught else, sir?" His youthful glance roamed the room. He must be puzzled, Thorolf thought, not to see Yvette. Either he is angling for a tip or hop
ing to glimpse a noble lady at her bath. "W
e
ll, sir, an ye think of aught else
—
"

             
The door of the wardrobe flew open, and Yvette slithered across the floor. The sound of life-giving wa
ter had plainly put upon her self-restraint more stress than it could withstand.

             
As the octopus whipped a tentac
le over the edge of the tub, the potboy stared with bulging eyes. When Yvette slid bonelessly into the tub with a small splash, the potboy fled with piercing shrieks.

             
Thorolf closed the door and looked into the tub. Yvette lay flattened down on the botto
m like a cluster of hiber
nating serpents, with the water covering all but her eyes.

             
The eyes that gazed up at Thorolf had slit pupils like those of a cat, but the slits were horizontal instead of vertical.

             
A tentacle snaked out of the tub. For an inst
ant, Tho
rolf wondered if he would be seized and pulled in, though for what purpose he could only guess. He braced himself to resist, but the tentacle merely stroked and patted his chest, as if to show affection.

             
Footsteps sounded, and Thorolf heard Vasc
o's knock. He narrowly opened the door and slipped out, firmly holding the knob to cut off the view of the room.

             
"Yea, Master Vasco?" he said with an air of inno
cent surprise.

             
"Sergeant," said Vasco, "my potboy just now came clattering down the stair,
crying that a devil in the form of a monstrous spider had issued from the wardrobe and sprung at him. He raced off into the night."

             
"Oh. that," said Thorolf, thinking fast. "My lady had disrobed and secluded herself in the wardrobe. When the maid depart
ed, she issued forth, supposing your boy had likewise gone. When she saw the strip
ling, she snatched my cloak and wrapped it about her."

             
Vasco rubbed his chin. "Very well, Sergeant, if ye say so. I do hope there be no wizardry connected with this. If th
e word got out, 'twere bad for my trade."

             
"Worry not," said Thorolf. "Meanwhile, pray give orders that none shall enter the room until we signify."

             
"I understand, Sergeant. Strength to your yard!" With a knowing leer, Vasco departed.

             
Thorolf returned to the room and sank down upon the settee, thinking. At last he rose and bent over the tub. Speaking with exaggerated lip movements, he said: "I go to visit Doctor Bardi again." When she lay quietly, he pointed to himself and then to the
d
oor. He pulled a cov
erlet off the bed, spread it over the tub, and left.

-

             
"D ear me!" said Doctor Bardi, in nightgown and nightcap. "This is most un
fortunate. What is this creature ye say the Countess hath become?"

             
"A polyp
. I saw them in the fish markets when I studied at Genuvia. The Tyrrhenians eat them under the name of
polpo."

             
"Meseems not like gourmet fare. Hast ever partaken thereof?"

             
"Aye, once. It tastes not unlike other seafood, save that the one I ate must hav
e been a tough old monster marine. It was like chewing rawhide bootlaces. I learned much at Genuvia, but not what to do when my sweetling becomes a creature of the deep. What wilt do about it?"

             
Bardi nodded thoughtfully. "Tell me, did the Count
ess parta
ke of any intoxicating beverage betwixt the time I cast the spell and that when it took effect?"

             
"Sink me in Lake Zurshnitt. but did she drink! She outdrank me, with but half my bulk. By the time we returned to the room, she was as drunk as a Locanian lo
rd. Forsooth, she even forgot her aristocratic inter
dictions against carnal commerce with commoners and set about seducing me! Shed have succeeded handily, too, had not this change come upon her. But what
—
"

             
Bardi struck his palm against his forehead. "A
h, the penalties of age! Thorolf, I meant to warn you twain that she must not touch any alcoholic liquor, even small beer, until after the change hath taken place."

             
"Well, why didst not?"

             
"I forgot! Ah, woe is me! Since this contretemps is in part my fault, I'll charge but half my regular fee
—
"

             
Thorolf roared: "You'll charge for turning my beau
tiful countess into an eight-legged sea monster? Go futter yourself! Not a penny shall you have
; and you shall repair your error or face a suit for magical malprac
tice!"

             
Bardi recoiled. "Dear me! From what ye say, the lady hath suffered no lasting scathe. An I can restore her proper form, I shan't have harmed her. Belike I had better view her mys
elf. Wait whilst I dress."

             
He vanished into the bedroom and soon reappeared in his symbol-spangled gown, saying: "Now, where did I put my cap?"

             
Bardi rummaged through his clutter and eventually located his headgear resting on the dried human head. It w
as an academic skullcap of stiff black material, atop which was fixed a square of the same material embel
lished with a dangling purple tassel.

-

             
At the inn, Thorolf whisked the coverlet off the tub. "There she is. Believe it or not, that is the veritab
le Yvette of Grintz. You made her short, dark, and dumpy with a vengeance, and at a most inconvenient time."

             
The wizard had been breathing hard from keeping up with Thorolf's soldierly stride. He gave a dry chuckle.

             
"Oh, ye were just about to
...
Ah, t
o be ninety again! At least it's better than if she had turned werewolf."

             
Bardi fell silent while changing his eyeglasses, more closely to scrutinize Yvette, who waved a tentacle in greeting. At last he sighed.

             
"My good Sergeant, I fear ye've set me a
task beyond my poor powers. The counterspell calls for some of the rare ingredients of the original, and I lack more of these. It might take a year or more to replace them."

             
"Mean you she must remain a polyp till then? *'

             
"Nay. There are others of the fraternity of greater puissance than I. Surely one of those can reverse the spell."

             
"Name one."

             
"The ablest for this, in my judgment, were the Great Psychomage, Doctor Orlandus."

             
"The Sophonomist? That were like begging
aid from a tiger when fleeing a lion. I suspect Orlandus be more wind and boastery than true ability. It's rumored that his doctorate, even, be not genuine but self-conferred. I'd liefer consult Doctor Tetricus at the college; he is one of the few who
back
ed me in the Dorelian trouble."

             
"But Tetricus is on sabbatical leave, is he not?"

             
"Oh," said Thorolf. "I had forgotten."

             
"So I am not the only one, ye see." The iatromage shrugged. "From all I can gather, Orlandus is not a man to be trusted overmuch;
but of his genuine wiz
ardry powers there is no doubt. All I know for sure is that Orlandus' followers report amazing cures. One ninny, who never finished four grades of schooling, so augmented his powers that from the sound of a footfall he could tell t
h
e sex, age, weight, and general aspect of the walker. Orlandus claims that he who takes his full course can acquire such godlike powers; he calls such a one a 'diaphane.' "

             
"I've heard of them. Hast ever met such a demi
god?"

             
"Nay; but others tell me t
hereof, for whatever the tales may be worth." Bardi spread his hands. "I have told you all I can. Sergeant. This metamorphosis is par
ticularly difficult to reverse, requiring a magician of the highest powers. Otherwise she might not recover her natural f
o
rm for months or even years. I can but urge you to hie yourself and the Countess to Castle Hill and bespeak Orlandus' aid
—
with due caution, certes."

             
"How shall I get the Countess from this inn without causing a riot?"

             
The aged mage furrowed his brow. "
Could those who fetched the tub hither take it down the stair
—
unaware of its contents?"

             
Thorolf grasped a corner of the tub and, with a grunt, heaved it upward. The corner rose a hand's breadth, while the water sloshed about. Yvette moved uneasily in the
tub, while color changes flickered over her mot
tled hide.

             
"With the water and Yvette," said Thorolf, "it must weigh two hundred or more. Vasco's domestics could never manage it; nor could I alone. It's an awkward shape to carry. Hast no levitation spel
l to lighten our labors?"

             
"Alas!" sighed Bardi. "In my youth I could levitate a hundredweight as featly as ye raise a spoonful of pot
tage; but with age my psychokinetic powers have dwin
dled. How if we hired brawny
workers and fastened poles to the tub for carrying? Or better yet, run it out the window on a boom or crane and lower it by rope?"

             
Thorolf shook his head. "Vasco would never let us make so free with his tub."

             
"Ye could buy him a better."

             
"But in the
course of this cheaping and chaffering, Yvette's transformation would surely come to light and cause a turmoil. And once we got the tub to the ground, what then? Carry her in my arms, or ask her to wriggle along the cobblestones after me like a faithful d
o
g? We should have a mob of Zurshnitters running and shriek
ing like the fiends of the Dualist Hell. Whilst I know not how long these sea creatures survive out of water, I dare not expose her to the atmosphere longer than can be helped."

             
"Well, then," cre
aked Bardi, "wherefore not buy another tub, hire a carter, place the tub in his cart, and fill it with water? Then ye can lower the Countess by a bedsheet from the window."