The P.J. Stone Gates Trilogy (#1-3) (84 page)

“Well duh,” Jenna said, but I continued on without acknowledging her little comment.

“The thing is, no matter how I feel about Khol, I chose Bryn. It doesn’t matter that he died, he was the one I picked. All this talk of Khol and me being destined to be together, like Bryn was some kind of cannon fodder, well, what if he hadn’t died? We would be together. I just can’t even begin to fathom that Bryn was destined to die just so I could have Khol.”

“He didn’t die just so you could have Khol, P.J. Maybe it was his fate to die protecting the woman he loved. Maybe—”

“But the only way for me to have ended up with Khol, no matter what way I look at it, is if Bryn died. I chose him, we were bonded, he was my
Anam Cara
fully and completely. If my birth mother placed Bryn in my path to help me become who I am today then fine. But if I was meant to be with Khol I should have chosen him at that point, not Bryn.”

“You can’t torture yourself with the what ifs. You just have to go with what is laid out before you now. Khol is here, and you love him. He may even be the father of your child. Stop over analyzing what could have been with Bryn.” Jenna said softly.

“I think it’s just the fact that my birth mother told Khol in that letter that we—-Khol and I—would end up together—for him to be patient—I mean—what the hell? Maybe if it wasn’t for that all of this wouldn’t bother me so much. I feel like Bryn was used, and I was the one who used and discarded him only so I could end up with Khol in the end. It just doesn’t seem right.”

“P.J. stop. Just stop. I think your hormones are making you act more crazy than normal. Let the guilt go.” Jenna sat up and stared at me as if she was trying to figure out a complicated puzzle. “Just let Khol love you, and love him back. It really is that simple.”

Our girl bonding time was interrupted by a knock on my door followed by Jeremy’s intrusion. My worries were temporarily forgotten when I saw how happy he seemed. It was like going back in time with him as well. He ran his hand through his already messy brown hair and shifted uncomfortably. “Hey, I just was kind of wondering when Jenna was—well she’s been in here talking with you a long time.”

Jenna stood up and went to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. “Awe … are you being needy?”

He grinned sheepishly at her and avoided eye contact with me. “Yeah, I guess, it’s just I didn’t think you’d be gone so long.”

“We had lots of girl stuff to catch up on. But I think it’s time P.J. goes and finds Khol to do more than just talk.”

“Jenna … seriously.” I complained.

Jenna and Jeremy turned and started towards my door, her little rodent friends scurried after her. A big black one was carrying one of my socks … I figured I’d let him keep it. “I fully expect to see one of those tattoos on the back of your neck the next time I see you Miss Stone.”

I didn’t respond. Instead I just glared at Jenna’s back. Jenna pulled the door shut behind her and I sighed with annoyance as I was left alone … yet again. It was a pattern I was really starting to resent. Being alone with my thoughts was always hazardous to my health.

Was Jenna right, should I just go to Khol and turn my brain off … and simply let my feelings run the show? But what if he was trying to not think about me while he was in Zen’s arms? What if he was testing out her theory of not loving me? What if she was right and he bonded with her? What if I already lost Khol forever?

It was only then when I couldn’t catch my breath because I was sliding down into a panic attack, that I fully realized how royally stupid I’d been acting. What if it was already too late? I tried to tell my lungs to fill with air, but my body wasn’t responding. I clutched at my throat, my arms and legs went numb, as the edges of my vision started to go fuzzy. The logical part of me was trying to convince myself that even if I passed out I would start breathing automatically. But the larger more illogical part of me was crying out in fear that at any second I would keel over dead from lack of oxygen. And the worst part of me dying would be that Khol had already moved on. I gasped one last time, wondering if someone would find me in time to save my son, if he was even developed enough to live outside of my body, and I crumpled to the floor.

I came to with the relief of my burning lungs filling with oxygen. I became immediately aware that I was no longer alone. I expected my visitor to be Khol, or maybe even Morag, and I was surprised to find who was actually stooped over me.

I blinked Lorik’s face into focus. “What are you doing here?” I sat up and scanned my room to see if he was alone. “Where’s Khol?”

“He wanted me to come check on you. He felt your distress.” Lorik reached his hand out and helped me into a sitting position. Luckily I’d already been in bed when I passed out from my panic attack so I didn’t have to worry about my baby being injured from the fall. I really had to stop passing out, although not all of them were my fault.

My heart dropped into my stomach as Lorik’s words sank in. Khol had felt my distress and he sent Lorik to come check up on me. “Why didn’t he come himself?”

Lorik met my eyes with something resembling pity. “I think you already know why.”

My throat became constricted again and my breathing labored. “Zen, he’s with Zen.”

Lorik shook his head. “No, but he should be with her.”

Confusion washed over me. “I don’t understand. Then why isn’t he here?”

“He wants you to chase after him,” Lorik tilted his dark head to study me. “But we both know that won’t ever happen.” He then stood and began to pace. “Look, I just want my brother to be happy. Zen would make him happy. She’s been falling all over him since we were kids …”

“He doesn’t love her.” I interrupted. “He loves me. You know what that means for a male dragon.”

“I’m not entirely sure he’s in love with you. Zen makes a very good point about that. And the only way to test that theory is to get him to try and bond with her. If the bond happens, then he isn’t in love with you. If it doesn’t, then he is.”

“But isn’t—aren’t you and Zen—I mean—” I sputtered.

“Yeah, Zen and I are lovers, and I care about her, but I can never love her the way she deserves. I lost the one I love and will probably never feel that way again. Zen—well, Zen and I have an understanding, a very convenient one, but I’m not the one she really wants. I’m the wrong brother.”

“So you came here to talk me into letting Zen have Khol or something? Or at least to let her see if he really is in love with me?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “If Khol wanted her he had plenty of chances before he met me—before he fell in love with me.”

“We could go back and forth on this for awhile. The only way to really find out is to give the two of them a chance.”

“No!” I exclaimed. “Khol is mine!”

“Then you should have let him claim you like I know he wanted.” Lorik stepped closer to me, his eyes growing brighter, illuminating the intensity in them. “I’m sorry.” He said.

A chill ran up my spine. “For what?”

“For what I’m about to do.” He reached over and gripped my arm tightly and shifted me out of my bed.

We reappeared in a small room and before I had a chance to react he slapped a huge metal cuff on my left wrist. I flew at him with anger but he shifted out of my grasp and outside of the open door, which I realized for the first time had bars blocking the way. In a panic I tried to shift after him but nothing happened. In fact I felt much like I had when I was on Morag’s land, well before she had returned my powers to me to practice removing Riders. My head swam and I clutched at the bars. I knew immediately that the cuff he had placed on me was spelled, I just wasn’t sure to what extent. Was I completely without my powers, therefore completely helpless? “What are you doing?”

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you. You are our Queen after all, no matter how young you are.”

“What are you doing?” I asked again as my voice began to climb octaves.

“I thought I’d made that part clear. I’m giving Zen and Khol a chance to explore Zen’s theory, but for that to happen you need to be out of the way.” Lorik stated calmly, as if he wasn’t talking about ruining the last chance I had at happiness.

My knuckles whitened from the tight grip I had on the bars of my prison. “Please … Lorik … don’t do this to me. I love him; you have to know I love him. But I just lost Bryn and I’m still grieving. I don’t have my head on straight. And what about our child?” I was hoping he still thought my son was one hundred percent Khol’s so I could use him as leverage by way of guilt.

“Khol will still be a father to that child no matter what happens. I think you already know that.”

“Please … don’t do this to me. Didn’t you hear me … I love him … I’m just … it’s just—”

“You just don’t love him enough. I know all about Bryn. I know about everything. Khol was so distraught he actually confided in me. I just want my brother to be happy, like I said.” Lorik looked at me and frowned. “I’m really sorry about all of this … it’s just the only way to know for sure.”

“He’s going to know you did something to me—he’s going to come for me—”

“I’m going to tell him you weren’t there when I went to check on you. He felt your panic; he’ll assume the worst. And when he finds out otherwise, it’ll be too late.”

“What about the Riders? I have to save this world!” I was grasping at straws, I knew Lorik didn’t care all that much for humans, but I had nothing left to try and persuade him with.

“You know I don’t care about any of that.” He said, echoing what I’d just thought and knew to be true.

I glanced at the cuff on my wrist. “So this thing, it blocks all my powers as well as my connection with Khol?”

Lorik nodded in affirmation. “Yes, after the panic he felt in you, he was probably already searching for you in a panic of his own, now that he felt the connection break he’s going to think you’re dead. I better get back to him.” Lorik looked at me with pity. “I really am sorry.” He then disappeared.

“Noooo!” I screamed. “Don’t do this to me!” But I knew no one was listening. I shook at the bars, pulled at them, pushed at them … but the problem wasn’t really the bars. If I had my powers I could shift out, or melt them with fire. It appeared the real problem was the spelled cuff on my wrist that was blocking all of my escape options.

Okay. I need to think. I just need to think
. I scanned the room for possible aids to my plight, but I saw none. I sat down on the floor and studied the bracelet. It was thick and smooth, and when I turned it over I could see absolutely no seam in it where it had be placed on my wrist. I ran my fingertips over it to try and find the opening, but even then I couldn’t. I gritted my teeth with frustration. It must be spelled to stay on me too.
Great
. I couldn’t even fit my pinky finger between the metal and my skin. That sucker was on there tight, which I guess was what Lorik had been going for.

“Bastard!” I swore out loud. How could Lorik do this to me? Adrenaline surged through my system as I thought about what Khol must be going through now that he must surely think I’m dead. “Oh, God.” I muttered to myself. What if he really did turn to Zen for comfort? With a forced break in our bond, would that be enough even if Khol really was in love with me? Could the forced break fool the—the whatever—that keeps a male dragons faithful once they’re in love? Or would he only be able to bond with Zen if he wasn’t in love with me like she hoped? But either way—Khol could still find comfort in her arms. How would I feel, even if he didn’t bond with her, if he did have sex with her? My stomach clenched and bile rose up in my throat. Would I be able to forgive him—welcome him with open arms if he had sex with Zen? It wasn’t like they didn’t have a past.

The memory of them kissing raced across my mind, but then it veered off into something else, fueled by my fears. Images of them naked, kissing, making love to each other flooded my imagination. I pulled my knees up as tight as they could go with my baby bump and wrapped my arms around my legs. Big fat tears began to roll down my face as I continued to let my fears provide pictures in my mind’s eye of Zen and Khol together. But it was my fault, all my fault. If only I’d let Khol claim me as his
Anam Cara
when he wanted, I wouldn’t be here in this situation. I wouldn’t be here, alone, while I wondered how long it would take before my fears became a reality.