The Power of the Herd (45 page)

Shame, on the other hand, is a critique of who we
are,
rather than what we've done (guilt). As such, feelings of shame most often arise in social situations where we're being judged as hopelessly defective. Cultural institutions or in-groups that objectify, ostracize, denigrate, or persecute people for their race, sex, religion, or socioeconomic status use shame to intimidate, dominate, ostracize, or abuse others.

As mentioned in
chapter 12
, we can also feel shame as a by-product of personal transformation, when we wake up and realize that we were objectifying, abusing, or neglecting others. However, it's important to shift our focus from shaming ourselves (for a limited, selfish, perhaps childish state of consciousness) to analyzing which
behaviors
were destructive. In this way, we move into the more constructive realm of guilt, charged with making amends and appropriate changes, perhaps through counseling, coaching, or family support.

It takes a certain amount of emotional heroism (Guiding Principle 11, in
chapter 23
) to analyze the messages behind shame and guilt, let alone change something in response. Taking responsibility for our actions is immensely uncomfortable — as is learning to set strong boundaries and stand up to people who are shaming us. The latter sometimes requires leadership abilities to organize others in standing up to aggressors who use shame as a weapon.

Finally, we must notice and be constantly vigilant about our own deeply ingrained, culturally endorsed habits of using shame to influence others' behavior. At the very least, shaming statements put people on the defensive, cutting off constructive communication and problem solving. And research shows that even if you succeed in convincing someone that she is defective or bad, she's
more
likely to continue the undesirable behavior because, well, she now sees herself as a loser, liar, cheat, whore, emotional wreck, or hopelessly stupid person. Shaming someone repeatedly, over the long term, is an act of cruelty and, at times, even covert homicide. People who accept the shame projected onto them by others experience despair, hopelessness, and suicidal urges that easily lead to addictions, accidental overdoses, or intentional suicide.

Being on the receiving end of shame sometimes results in shame-based retaliation: shaming the person who shamed us. Yes, of course, he or she “started it.” But any form of retaliation turns victim into perpetrator. What's more, people who regularly use shame as a weapon likely experienced intense shame as children. Rather than passively accepting these shame attacks, shrinking in response, they “evolved” into verbally abusive bullies. They'll fight the feeling tooth and nail if you try to shame them back, becoming even more violent.

Techniques for removing shaming statements from personal and professional interactions are featured in Guiding Principles 3 (
chapter 15
), 4 (
chapter 16
), and 9 (
chapter 21
). In the meantime, here's a quick look at the questions to ask of shame and guilt.

Other than shame, the intensifications listed here are not feelings; they are evasions designed to keep us from feeling guilty and taking personal responsibility. Many people choose denial when they feel that initial pang of guilt, usually blaming another person or the social system, which may in fact need to change as well. However, even if you learned a destructive behavior for legitimate survival purposes, or perhaps were taught to engage in questionable practices as part of a predatory business, political, or educational system, you must still change that behavior in yourself. It's important to remember, however, that
you
are not defective; the behavior is defective. Otherwise, you will plunge into shame.

Many people, however, opt for the much more destructive practice of “projecting their shadow” onto others, picking a coworker, family member, or perhaps entire race to punish for their own transgressions. Scapegoating others to avoid guilt initially allows people to abdicate responsibility in favor of persecuting someone else, but this abusive practice leads to more guilt. See the section “Objectification and Projection: The Deadly Duo,” in
chapter 12
, for more information on this archaic practice.

Again, despair and the suicidal urge are feelings. Projection, blame, and bullying are evasions or unproductive strategies for releasing the feeling of shame.

Shame is tricky because it can be dumped on us by parents, spouses, coworkers, and authority figures. However, by asking the questions above, we can tell if shame is an emotion that originated in our behavior (an intensification of guilt), which we can do something about, or if the shame really belongs to someone else who is projecting it onto
us to make herself feel better without changing her own behavior (let alone the limited belief system or state of consciousness that justifies the behavior).
Projected shame
is common in abusive relationships where an emotionally sensitive scapegoat in the family carries and expresses the shame and guilt that actually belongs to the abusers. (This person is seen as bad, hopeless, or sinful, no matter what he or she does, which commonly leads to addictions, suicidal urges, or bullying.)

Shame in the workplace is rarely discussed, but it's truly an epidemic, the hidden root cause of serious interpersonal difficulties. Openly aggressive and passive-aggressive bosses are fond of shaming people to intimidate and control them, losing trust and respect at the very least, wreaking untold havoc in the long run. Colleagues who shame each other are equally destructive. As discussed in the section on shame in
chapter 12
, sometimes a more naturally aggressive team member will become the scapegoat for an entire division as coworkers project their own “shadow” onto him, considering him hopeless or even evil, blocking all efforts to create a functional work environment.

Anyone promoted to a position of power must learn to deal constructively with envy and jealousy. In fact, both are useful to leaders and followers alike, especially when people learn to discern between the two. Engaged thoughtfully and responsibly, these much-maligned, potentially destructive feelings can help us monitor our motivations, discover hidden talents, develop self-mastery, and exercise integrity while paying attention to individual and group needs simultaneously.

After spending an extensive amount of time researching jealousy and envy, I found the clearest, most inspiring, and thought-provoking insights in a dictionary, of all places. Beyond giving succinct definitions for these notoriously troublesome emotions,
Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary
makes an extra effort to emphasize that envy and jealousy “are not close synonyms and can rarely be interchanged without a loss of precision.” Envy is defined as a “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.” In other words, when you feel envious
you want something that someone else has,
usually wealth or success. This may include a promotion, a certain talent, professional recognition, or a valuable relationship of some kind.

Used constructively, then, this emotion inspires us to excel. When we envy someone, he is modeling something we want to attain. From a distance, we can
analyze this person's success, and study how he achieved it. Closer to home, we might even be able to enlist this person as a mentor — if we approach him with sincere enthusiasm, respect, and the commitment to do our own hard work. Frequently, however, people have a love/hate relationship with someone they envy, perhaps being nice to her face, vying for privileges and shortcuts to success, while also looking for weaknesses and other ways to cut her down to size — sometimes to gain advantage, sometimes simply to make themselves feel better for not taking similar risks or putting in the time and effort to realize their own unique potential.

Similarly, when we sense that people are envying us, we can combat the possible negative effects by sharing information or resources that will help them excel — while also setting strong boundaries and holding these people accountable for their actions. Otherwise, we may fall prey to the “tall poppy syndrome,” where resentful friends, family members, and colleagues cut us down to size, trying to keep us from achieving our goals because they feel reduced by our success. Native American medicine men I've worked with are so sensitive to this phenomenon that they have special ceremonies to diffuse the destructive effects of envy. Some shamans share a portion of the gifts and fees they receive with other tribe members, recognizing that consideration and generosity can be powerful antidotes to jealousy's sometimes devilish nature.

Which brings us to a productive definition of the latter: jealousy signifies that
an inequity of opportunity or compensation has come to light.
Sometimes there's also an element of anger involved: If a boundary has been crossed, if someone has taken possession (or intends to take possession) of what you've already claimed or developed, you're likely to feel both of these tempestuous emotions. Someone flirting with your spouse, for instance, will inspire jealousy and anger. Lusting after someone else's wife, on the other hand, involves envy. If you succeed in seducing the woman in question, you will violate her spouse's boundaries and he will feel jealous of and angry with you (perhaps even enraged or homicidal, depending upon the circumstances).

Outside of personal relationships, we also feel jealous when we find out someone makes more money than we do for performing a similar job, or that someone is receiving preferential treatment while we work hard behind the scenes without recognition.

Jealousy often signals that we need to make adjustments to professional and social structures that don't play fair. But sometimes people feel jealous as a result of failing to acknowledge their own skill deficiencies or blind spots, particularly those involving emotional and social intelligence. This happens, for instance, when a more personable, but less experienced, team member is
promoted over older candidates. People with more seniority or higher education may jump from jealousy to outrage upon hearing the news, refusing to acknowledge that their people skills are seriously lacking. Perhaps they've been sarcastic and jaded, or have undermined others, because of a lack of past promotion. Perhaps their critical, highly competitive nature alienates colleagues and management alike. In any case, when jealousy arises in professional situations, it's important to look at our own attitudes, work ethic, and emotionaland social-intelligence skills before deciding what action to take next.

When used thoughtfully, and with self-awareness,
jealously becomes the guardian of fair play.
To diffuse the negative effects of this emotion in yourself and others, you must balance individual and group needs, making sure people are recognized and fairly compensated for their contributions. In organizations large and small, any faction showing a lack of personal responsibility or a lack of respect for others — especially in combination with a grandiose sense of entitlement — will breed justified jealousy in others over time, creating an increasingly toxic work, home, or political environment.

In groups that show little concern for others' needs, it takes a strong leader with personal integrity to manage jealousy and its even more troublesome intensifications of outrage and resentment. And even then, this person's powers will be severely taxed over time. Ultimately, jealousy requires a change in cultural values, requiring us to move from an “every man for himself” mentality to an “everyone is valued” and “everyone shares responsibility for our success” approach.

Sometimes the person you envy can act as a formal or informal mentor. If not, this is a good time to find a coach or teacher who can help support you through the journey you're about to undertake. Nonetheless, it's important to study the person who inspired you to begin with, focusing not only on the perks of her success but also on the hardships, education, experience, dedication, ingenuity, courage, and work it took to get there. In his book
Outliers: The Story of Success,
Malcolm Gladwell observed that most innovators, from the Beatles to Steve Jobs, spent an average of ten thousand hours developing their talents before they were capable of making significant contributions to their respective fields.