The Power of the Herd (48 page)

When others' expectations run you down, it helps to think of Magic the reluctant racehorse. If a three-year-old filly could change the course of her own life, your depression signals that somewhere, deep inside, you have the resources to do it too.

Depression often follows a period when we didn't listen to sadness, fear, anger, or grief. McLaren emphasizes that depression is not a sign of stupidity; it is, in fact, a most ingenious survival mechanism. The psyche is given no choice but to hinder our ability to move forward, because it knows we shouldn't move in the direction we're headed.
Depression takes over when “what we were doing
and where we were going didn't match up with our inner desires.”

Sometimes the suicidal urge results from depression related to chemical imbalance or chronic pain. In these cases, medical, psychological, and spiritual support are needed, or the person may successfully commit suicide in a moment of extreme fatigue to simply end the pain.

In most cases, though, the suicidal urge absolutely does not signal the desire for an end to physical existence. Rather, it emerges when the difference between who we are in our deepest, most authentic selves and who we've become to fit into a certain social system are completely out of alignment.
The suicidal urge, McLaren says, often “emerges
when our lives are already endangering our souls....What needs to die is our attachment to falseness, lovelessness, lies and spiritual emptiness,” basically whatever stops us from living authentically. The dark night of the soul experienced in this state “exists in direct proportion to the dawn that awaits” us. A person who resists the urge without making the necessary changes in life or career can become a soulless automaton with no enthusiasm, creativity, or productivity, a person who “retires in place.” Research also shows that the levels of stress, abuse, or emotional repression leading to this extreme state can suppress the immune system beyond its capacity to fight off disease. If a person experiencing the suicidal urge does not get the help she needs to change her life, she may indeed die a slow, agonizing death from a physical affliction, if she manages to resist the notion of actually killing herself.

People who have experienced extreme betrayal at home or in the workplace can become suicidal, as can people who become scapegoats, enduring constant shaming attacks to the point that they believe they are hopelessly defective or worthless. What needs to end, what needs to be culled without hesitation, is an attachment to whatever social
group has become so abusive. Getting support to leave, to build a new life with people who can be trusted, is essential.

People experiencing a suicidal urge must be taken seriously, but I've seen this impulse become most empowering and transformational if it is regarded as an urgent emotional message capable of rallying untapped resources. The questions, then, are the most extreme for this reason. As McLaren so eloquently conveys:

If you ask these questions prayerfully and ceremonially
, your suicidal urge will tell you this draining behavior, this soul-killing relationship, this painful addiction, this weakness and self-pity, this pathetic story about why you can't do your art [is saying to you:] you've forgotten who you are, but I
remember.
If you let it speak, your suicidal urge will stand up for your lost dreams, and it will help you clear away everything that threatens to kill them. It will remind you of your forgotten goals, and it will help you move toward them again....You'll be given your own life back.

When used productively, negative emotions are temporary, instructive, course-correcting sensations that culminate in feelings of peace, satisfaction, connection, inspiration, and empowerment (sometimes all five at once). While it's inadvisable to
express
anger, frustration, jealousy, and sadness openly, especially at work, trying to avoid
feeling
them blocks the message behind them. (See Guiding Principles 3 [
chapter 15
], 4 [
chapter 16
], and 9 [
chapter 21
] for techniques on how to discuss emotional
messages
professionally without expressing the emotions themselves.)

Ignoring negative emotions over the long term causes them to intensify into stronger signals that can actually hijack higher thought processes, sending you into an uncontrollable flight-or-fight mode as the pressure builds. Ironically, to remain in control of your emotions, you must collaborate with them in their earliest, most informative stages, deciphering the message behind them, changing something in response to the message, letting the story go, and getting back on task.

However, it's also important to cultivate a richly nuanced awareness of positive emotions (without becoming addicted to the ones you're most attracted to). For some people — particularly those who worship logic or fear a loss of control — strong positive feelings can be more threatening than negative emotions.
(Remember René Descartes's hatred of enthusiasm?) Positive feelings let us know when we've made a good choice, taken the right path, reached a satisfying resolution, glimpsed an innovative solution, or sensed our true calling. Some of these emotions reward and renew us, while others energize and inspire us, helping us perform great deeds, fueling dedication and endurance, sometimes carrying us through significant challenges.

Positive feelings are also temporary, for good reason. If we felt perpetually calm we might never get anything significant done. If we felt unrelenting excitement, we'd lose focus, make unrealistic decisions, and quickly burn out. If we needed to feel safe and comfortable at all cost, we'd resist learning new skills, experimenting with untested ideas, and changing unproductive behaviors.

A word of caution on group dynamics and positive emotions: Even though it may feel as if you're soaring on the wings of angels, dissociating in response to strong positive emotions can be inconsiderate or even dangerous if you're engaging in activities with others. I sometimes see people nearly run horses into the ground when feeling thrilled or exhilarated. Invariably, they're confused and disappointed when I stop them, complaining that I'm acting like a stern parent putting an end to their fun. In these cases, however, it's clear that the horse isn't having fun; he's becoming increasingly unbalanced and frantic, approaching hyperstimulation, getting ready to either fight, flee, or freeze, which could easily result in injury for both horse and rider.

Such a seeming loss of control is, of course, what gives feelings like passion and ecstasy a bad name in some circles, but it's actually a lack of intersubjective awareness that causes problems: the tendency of certain people to become selfpossessed in the name of enjoyment or transcendence, to the point that they neglect to notice the effect they're having on others. While artists, innovators, and mystics must sometimes wander off alone, temporarily suspending contact with the world to bring something new back, visionary
leadership
requires exercising increasingly higher tolerance for powerful positive emotions, allowing people to experience a wide range of inspirational feelings without losing sight of the needs and reactions of those around them.

Subsequent guiding principles explore how to engage authentic positive feelings to reward desirable behavior, set boundaries, and motivate others, inspiring groups to work together, endure long-term challenges, and perform at higher levels of innovation and effectiveness. In the meantime, it's important to notice how some feelings signal success in certain areas or encourage the achievement of desirable effects and states of consciousness.

Ultimately, it's important to exercise the ability to use
all
emotions as information, which is why the following abbreviated version of the Emotional Message Chart summarizes the instructive feelings that humans are most likely to shy away from. Your increasing skill at staying thoughtful and engaged in the midst of these emotions, when others become fearful, confused, agitated, aggressive, or defensive, will automatically put you in a valued leadership role. Your interest in the messages behind these emotions will have a focusing, calming effect on the entire group, allowing them to problem solve and get back on task much more quickly.