The Power of the Herd (56 page)

1.   She suddenly jumped from a two to a ten on the power dial, instantaneously shifting from coolness to ferocious, uncontrolled madness, creating the impression that she was suffering from some sort of equine-induced bipolar disorder.

2.   She never actually set a boundary. By going straight from moving the horse out of her personal space to insisting he run around the arena at her discretion, she bypassed boundary setting and went straight to “motivating” him to perform a goal — in this case, not by engaging clearheaded assertiveness but by tripping off into rage-infused aggression.

3.   Poor Sparky didn't learn anything about the relationship-
enhancing
benefits of respecting boundaries. He learned that dominant individuals take control by suddenly wreaking such havoc that you're better off doing what they say and, for the most part, staying out of their way.

4.   If Sparky is like many stallions, he's now hell-bent on securing a second-in-command position in the horse-human pecking order by using Wanda's same tactic on unsuspecting grooms and apprentices, some of whom may come flying out of the arena later that same day.

In contrast, this is what Wanda could have done differently, producing a more peaceful, connected outcome:

1.   When Sparky approached her, she could have easily started with the same volume of verbal and nonverbal cues, saying, “Back up,” accompanied by a slight twitch of the whip.

2.   When he didn't respond, she could have waved the whip more emphatically at the ground just in front of his feet, leaning toward him, taking the volume up to a three or four. Here Sparky would have heard the whip hissing, sensed the air moving, and maybe even felt a bit of sand hitting his legs.

3.   If that didn't work, she could have increased the speed and intensity of the whip to the point that any attempt to step into her space would have resulted in a stinging sensation from the whip, taking the volume up to a five or a six.

4.   The split second Sparky backed off, Wanda could have conveyed that giving her the space she needs to feel safe has a positive, relationship-enhancing effect through the following, primarily nonverbal, cues: instantly stopping the whip, putting it in a neutral position, breathing deeply, and quietly praising Sparky, standing for a few moments longer in this peaceful place of mutual respect before directing him to move on to performing a specific training move.

It's important to note that in this example,
immediate positive feedback
is not gushing, empty praise, but giving Sparky the experience of the relaxation and connection he will
always
receive when he respects Wanda's boundaries. Wanda's continuing obligation is to bring this emotional-intelligence goal of greater connection and appreciation (though not always relaxation) to everything she does with the stallion, effortlessly increasing his desire to be with her no matter what she wants him to accomplish.

Using this approach to set boundaries with a human is counterintuitive for most people, but it quickly proves to be just as effective. Even so, the verbal dimension raises the difficulty level: you must speak, think, feel, and observe the other person's behavior — while constantly making adjustments. To understand
how these elements work together, let's look at a conversation one of my students had with her aunt “Millicent.”

Milli is notorious for crossing all kinds of boundaries. At family gatherings, “Sally” tried to avoid this seemingly well-meaning yet meddlesome relative, finding excuses to get away after a brief hello. Once Sally understood the “crescendo into immediate positive feedback” concept, however, she was delighted to find it enhanced her relationships with friends and loved ones. Aunt Milli provided the ultimate test when Sally attended a family reunion shortly after returning from a cruise that had the entire family talking.

The interaction started, as usual, with Milli giving Sally a hug that lasted too long for the younger woman's comfort. Then, continuing to stand way too close, Milli asked her niece for the “scoop” on her recent trip.

“I heard through the grapevine that this was quite a romantic cruise for you,” Milli said, leaning in even closer.

“Yes,” Sally replied. “But first I want to tell you about a workshop I took with horses last month. It was all about nonverbal communication and how we can feel closer yet more respectful of others by paying attention to something as simple as space.”

Sally proceeded to tell Milli about Merlin the stallion, how he became violent when his need for space wasn't respected. “To make a long story short, I realized that I'm a lot like Merlin. I don't become violent when people stand close, but I really have trouble thinking straight, and even hearing what people are saying, which totally explains why I always used to sit at the back of the classroom when I was younger. People thought I was shy or antisocial — and so did I — but in working with the horses, I learned that all I really need is a bit of extra space in order to connect with people, to feel relaxed and engaged.”

Milli looked confused, and even a bit bored. “That's weird,” she said flippantly.

Sally didn't skip a beat. “Here, let me show you, Aunt Milli. We did this exercise where we interacted with people to find our optimal zone of personal space, and mine happens to be about three feet away from my body,” she said, gently moving Milli (finally!) into position. “When you stand this far away from me, I relax and everything seems to come into focus for me. I actually feel more connected to you and others than if you stand closer. Isn't that wild?”

Sally gave Milli immediate positive feedback by smiling, leaning in slightly to convey the desire to connect while maintaining the prescribed distance. “So basically, I'm making a deal with people I care about: I'll occasionally remind them of the space I need, because everyone still tends to move in closer out of habit. But really, once Mom, Dad, and this new man in my life realized that I
need a little extra space to hear everything they're saying, no one had a problem with it. For years I thought I had a learning disability or I was forgetful, but now I realize that I just needed a little more space around my body for my mind to be present.”

“Well, all right, I guess,” Milli said, “if it helps you, dear. So now, tell me all the juicy details. Who is this man? What does he do for a living? Is he divorced? Did you, you know, do the ‘wild thing' in the Caribbean?”

Here Milli, the family gossip, proceeded to push Sally's emotional boundaries by asking a series of increasingly intimate questions. Rather than acting offended or making a quick getaway, Sally decided to give only the information she was comfortable with, while still conveying enthusiasm and the desire to connect.

“Well, his name is Andy, and he's a university professor, and yes, we really had a wonderful time getting to know each other,” Sally revealed. “He actually only lives about three hours away, and we're making plans to see each other soon. I'm excited, but I really don't want to jinx the whole thing right now by giving out too many details. I feel like this relationship has real potential. But who knows, if things go well you may get to meet him at Christmas dinner, Aunt Milli. Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay?”

As the conversation unfolded, Milli continued to push all kinds of limits that other family members instinctually respected. Yet rather than becoming frustrated, insulted, or resentful, Sally kept making the necessary adjustments through a combination of verbal and nonverbal cues. She casually mentioned her need for physical space several times while breathing and smiling at Milli when she backed off once more. For the most part, the younger woman succeeded in giving only information she wanted to share, sometimes with a joke, sometimes asking Milli questions about her life instead, once using the crescendo to set a firmer, more serious-sounding boundary when Milli again asked for information about Andy.

“You know Aunt Milli, you're not the first person to press me for more details, but this relationship is too important to spill the beans too early and too casually like I've done in the past. Andy and I just need some privacy at this point.” When Milli pursed her lips and shrugged her shoulders, looking frustrated and embarrassed, Sally leaned in and said a little more quietly, “Mom's really excited about this, too. She's already talking about grandkids. Can you help me out here so we don't scare Andy off?”

By enlisting Milli's support in holding boundaries with other friends and family members, Sally found that the mood began to shift. Sally reached out warmly and took her aunt's hand while still keeping an appropriate distance.
“Everyone looks to you for the latest scoop on family news, and if you tell people that Andy and I could use a little space to let our relationship grow, everyone else will follow suit! Can I count on you?”

With regard to emotional and social intelligence, it's
essential
to pay attention to the difference between setting boundaries (holding your ground or protecting territory, space, or resources) and motivating others (using assertiveness to influence others' behavior or direct them to take action to reach a specific goal). Both activities involve a skillful use of power. You can avoid adding aggression, shame, blame, and resentment to these activities by “dialing your power up” progressively (crescendo) and then acknowledging achievement of the desired response with immediate positive feedback. In this way, boundaries are set with nonverbal cues cultivating safety, cooperation, clear thinking, and greater trust between team members. And goals are achieved through a simple formula for assertiveness:

This formula, when used mindfully and masterfully, also creates greater
self-motivation
in others over time, freeing leaders up for other pursuits.

But why must we distinguish between boundary setting and assertiveness? There are three reasons, actually: The goals are very different. The timing and the positive feedback are different. The emotions that arise are different.

First of all, in setting a boundary, you're claiming the space, time, or consideration
you
need to be effective, not directing someone else's behavior. (In the case of resources, such as money or property, you're protecting what you already have, not trying to acquire more.) The split second someone backs off, you reward him or her with relaxed, appreciative engagement before getting back on task. When someone repeatedly or aggressively steps over your boundaries you will feel anger.

When you're motivating someone else to perform a goal, you're often pushing
his
boundaries for a specific purpose, sometimes asking him to step outside his comfort zone, sacrifice some of his resources, or compromise his need for personal space, time, and so on in order to serve the needs of the organization, family, or culture at large. Standard positive feedback involves some kind of reward or recognition when the goal is met. But in more complex, long-term
projects, it's helpful to give
immediate positive feedback
for efforts to get started, endure, and troubleshoot. This means that, as the motivat
or,
you're adding enthusiasm, appreciation, and perhaps additional training along the way.

In fact, unless an already-motivated person is taking a break, the “relaxed connection” feedback used in boundary setting is counterproductive. For instance, in motivating a horse to move from a walk to a trot, appreciation must be communicated when he makes the transition
without
dropping the energy level, or the horse will fall back into the walk. And with someone who's reluctant to perform a necessary yet tedious task, he or she doesn't need any excuse to relax and take a break; this person needs to be energized, probably requiring a more assertive crescendo to get started, boosted by enthusiasm and even a bit of humor from you to lighten the load.

In the context of assertiveness and motivation, if someone drops the ball or needs constant attention to stay on task, you will feel frustrated because you've “hit the wall” in getting him to do his job in general or take specific action to meet a previously agreed-upon goal.

So once again: with respect to the emotional message, you will feel anger rising when people overstep a boundary and frustration when you've reached a block in motivating them or modifying their behavior. Both of these instructive emotions can intensify into rage when they aren't addressed and, as a result, often feel similar by the time you finally get riled up enough to deal with what's not working. To respond productively, you must track back from rage, accessing the original core emotion in order to ask the right questions and take the best action.

Remember, the questions to ask of anger are: What must be protected? What boundary must be established or restored? For frustration, the questions are: What is the block? What can I do differently? And, if you can't think of anything different to do, which is often the case with frustration when none of our favorite approaches or coping strategies work, ask: Who can I go to for ideas or assistance?

To up the difficulty level, sometimes you may feel anger
and
frustration in situations where setting boundaries and motivating a change in someone's behavior are both involved. Dealing with a spouse who smokes is a classic example. Here we can also see how people misuse the boundary concept. Let's say that one night after putting their four-year-old son and seven-month-old twins to bed, Sheila tells her husband, Greg: “I need to set a boundary with you. You
will stop smoking. It's not good for the children's health, my health, and most especially your health.”

Sheila's concern for everyone's well-being is legitimate and admirable. But she's confused about the boundary versus motivation issue here. As a result, she's likely to be less effective. Here's how Sheila might improve her approach: “Greg, I'm concerned about your smoking for several reasons. First, there's the effect of secondhand smoke on little Jimmy, the twins, and me. We need to set up some smoke-free zones [the boundary issue]. Second, I love you, and I want to ensure that we all get to spend many more happy years together. You've been coughing a lot lately, and even though you're under a lot of stress at work, I want to support you to stop smoking now. I know this is hard, but I will do whatever it takes to help you [the motivation issue].”