The Price of Falling (29 page)

Fulbourne, the old mental institution on the edge of the woods, had it's own grounds that stretched out over lawns and well tended flowerbeds. I had been there once, as a very old friend of Dad's had stayed here until his death a few years back. I remembered the big metal gates with the buzzer to let you in, the long winding drive through the green lawn and leafy trees. The building itself was grand and imposing as it loomed over you but it had a grim dignity about it.

Even with a few random patients in their bathrobes shambling around outside.

I parked the car as far away from the building as I could in the little gravel parking area. Under a tree for shade, I left Jason in the car and locked it. I looked at him through the glass.

‘I'll be back in a few minutes,’ I told him.

He was still seemingly asleep, although every now and then his eyes would open halfway. I'd already tried waving my hand in front of his barely open eyes but got no reaction. I didn't know how much longer he'd be in this state, I may not have much time left.

I walked up the stone steps to the enormous wooden double doors, one of which was propped open. When I poked my head inside I saw that thankfully, Fulbourne was just as I remembered as a child, every bit as neat and tidy inside as it was outside. Everything was minimal, and the walls were painted cool blue and white. There were paintings on the walls, not in loose frames but nailed firmly down.

‘Can I help you, young man?’ A lady with glasses smiled as she approached.

‘Yes, please. I need to see someone about admitting my er, cousin.’

‘Certainly. Won't you come this way?’

She led me into an office. I tried to sit still and relax in my chair as she began to fill in a white form with an expensive looking pen.

‘Name?’

‘Er, Mike Miller.’

‘Of the person you're admitting?’ she smiled at me.

‘Oh. Jason Reilly.’

‘Relation?’

‘My cousin,’ I said, trying to remain calm.

‘Condition?’

‘Um,’ I stated helpfully. ‘Well...it's hard to say. I think he needs a diagnosis really. Perhaps a couple of weeks?’

The lady regarded me over the rim of her glasses. ‘We have two types of patient here. Either someone has to commit themselves willingly, or they are committed by their doctor.’

I nodded. ‘I understand. My cousin's...condition will likely make him forget that he wanted to come here. Even though that's what he wants.’

‘I see,’ she said. ‘Probably best you speak to Mrs. McKane.’

Mrs. McKane was a matronly woman, in a pristine cardigan buttoned up to the top of her white collared blouse. There was no doubt that she was in charge of the running of the place.

I tried to be at my charming best but wasn't entirely sure it rubbed off on her. She was straight to the point, very blunt. Similar to the business women in New York, I thought.

She worked out that I was up to something, and asked me outright what I wanted.

‘I'd like to admit my cousin for a couple of weeks, to keep him away from drugs. Then we can work on his condition.’

I only saw it as a little white lie. I also hinted that I had a lot of money to spend and would be looking to make a sizeable donation as well as the admittance fee. Luckily, this seemed to work in my favor. Thank God for bribery.

‘So your cousin has a drugs dependency?’ Mrs. McKane asked.

‘Yes, I believe it's heroin. I don't know if there's anything else.’

Mrs. McKane was unmoved. ‘We aren't specifically a rehab centre, Mr. Miller. Although we do rehabilitate patients in all forms of physical and mental issues. This will be more expensive to you however, as the patient will require constant medical supervision, not to mention drugs like painkillers or sedatives to stop the body going into shock.’

‘The cost isn't important to me,’ I told her. ‘I just need him to be looked after.’

‘Well you can count on that, Mr. Miller. When did you want to have him admitted?’

‘Um,’ I stalled for a second, hoping I wasn't pressing my luck. ‘He's actually here now.’

I watched them take Jason inside.

Mrs. McKane and a burly looking man in a white uniform came to the car with me as I opened the door for them. I felt strange watching someone else lift Jason and carry him. I didn't want anyone else to touch him but I knew it was for his own good.

Was I being selfish? I did have his interests in mind, didn't I?

In the daylight, I saw his skin wasn't simply pale any more, it had grey and yellow tinges to it. Surely if I left him on his own he'd end up killing himself like Robin did? Even if I hadn't asked him first, I was doing him a favor, I reasoned.

Inside, the orderly placed Jason in a metal wheelchair but he flopped to the side. I wanted to intervene but Mrs. McKane got there first.

‘Not like that, Matthew,’ she said in her brusque tone. ‘Prop him up, now support his head. That's right, and off we go. Mr. Miller?’ she addressed me now. I tore my eyes away from watching this burly man wheel Jason down the hall. ‘Mr. Miller, you go with Miss. Hunter to fill in your details.’

‘Oh, OK.’ I was led away by the younger lady in the glasses. I looked back over my shoulder once more. I was doing the right thing, I hoped to myself.

After I'd given them my details and paid the admission fee (and then some) I left Fulbourne. They gave me a brochure about the place, and a card with the number for Mrs. McKane's secretary. I looked at the building longingly before I drove off. I wondered where they'd put him. Mrs. McKane had said they recommended two weeks, and I guess I had no real desire to see Jason being forced to stop taking heroin.

In truth I was scared of what he would say to me when he was sober.

I'd been telling myself, even if he told me to get lost at least then I'd know and I could get on with my life. But I knew I didn't want that. Seeing those notes he'd written had reignited everything inside me I'd tried to so hard to forget about.

Didn't mean he felt the same way now. It was four years ago, and I'd probably missed my chance.

I drove back into town and stopped at a diner.

It was nearly four in the afternoon and I hadn't eaten a thing all day. My stomach rumbled and I ordered food but when it arrived I just picked at it. I sipped at my soda. I didn't feel like drinking, least not this drink anyway. I waited until it was almost five, then drove down onto Fairview. I stopped outside the garage and waved when I saw AJ.

‘Whoa, mama!’ he exclaimed. ‘Nice car!’

‘It's my Dad's,’ I smiled.

‘Present?’ AJ opened the passenger door and got in.

‘I'm borrowing it,’ I said, smile fading. ‘Where we going then?’

‘Anywhere dude, let's have a drink first. Head out to Jack's.’

‘OK,’ I said, setting off.

Jack's was a bar not far from here. I was pleased as I hadn't been there before. I wouldn't want to go to Eddy's or anywhere that had memories.

‘Where's Jason then?’ AJ asked. ‘You didn't dump him at Fulbourne for real?’

I nodded. ‘Actually they were very helpful. It was pretty clean there too.’

AJ burst out laughing. ‘Oh man, that's so funny. Do you think they'll put him in a straight jacket if he gives them attitude?’

I smiled despite myself. ‘Maybe,’ I said.

We got to Jack's and had a beer. We sat in a booth and I told AJ about going into the squat, what it was like. He said he'd been there before, when he was still trying to help Robin but in the end he'd to give up. He couldn't keep chasing them when he had a family at home.

I decided to change the subject and ask about him. AJ told me more about life in Ellwood since I left, about Cat and his little girl. He asked me about New York so I described it best I could. I tried to downplay what I had. I didn't want to boast about my lifestyle when he was obviously struggling to get by. I told him about the amazing toy shops in New York, and once I was back I wanted to send some toys over for Kitty. It was great talking to him again and catching up. I didn't realize how much I missed AJ as well, he was such a decent guy.

When he asked me about when I left I fell quiet. I didn't know how to start. AJ then said Jason had told him about Dad walking in on us. I winced at the thought. I told him about being shipped off to Harlan, being ignored by my family apart from Alicia, then being given the chance to go to New York. Which in the long run was good but I said about how much I missed just being at home. I hadn't had a chance to make any of my own choices. I told him about Dad being in hospital now, and the sudden emotional outburst from Alicia prompting me to fly round town looking for Jason.

‘If you're not happy man, why don't you stay in Ellwood?’

I shook my head. ‘It's OK. I'm not unhappy now, I feel settled. And I'll need the money to look after Jason.’

AJ frowned slightly. ‘Yeah...why don't you see how it goes first? I mean, you haven't seen him for years, you might not get on any more. He changed a lot. Actually scratch that, he didn't change, he just stopped bothering to hide what an asshole he was all along.’

I lifted my shoulders in the last shrug of the day. I felt like I had no energy left at all. I was always honest with AJ. I felt as he was always honest with me, there was no need to not be with him. We'd always been like that, the exact opposite of what I'd had with Jason.

‘I still miss him though,’ I said.

AJ was quiet for a moment, then placed a hand on my shoulder. ‘I'm sure it'll all be alright in the end,’ he said. I nodded my head at him silently, hoping he was right.

‘It would've been so much easier if you'd picked me y'know,’ AJ smirked. ‘But no, you went for the difficult one. Mr. Attitude!’

I smiled at him. I'd always kinda suspected AJ liked me but he must have known I was infatuated with Jason. It was a shame I guess. Who knows what life would have been like if I'd been with AJ instead, or anyone else?

‘Come on, man,’ AJ slapped at my shoulder. ‘You need an evening of drinking but we'd better go do it at home while you can still drive.’

He was right, I definitely needed more drink. I wanted to knock myself out. We left and I bought us some beer at a liquor store then drove to AJ's. When we got in he said to be quiet as hopefully Kitty had been put to bed.

We snuck up the stairs and surprised Cat. She squealed loudly when she saw me, which woke Kitty up anyway. AJ picked up the baby to rock her back to sleep and let me have a hold. It was strange holding their baby, I'd not held many babies before. She was very pretty, with dark hair like AJ's.

I held her for a while then handed her back to Cat to put to sleep again. AJ and I went downstairs to flop on the couch, and cracked open the beer.

‘How will I get home? Should I call a cab and leave the car here?’

‘Nah, sleep on the couch, dude. Sounds like you need a night away from the family.’

I nodded. ‘Yeah maybe.’

Only once I'd asked Cat and she insisted I should stay did I agree. I called the hospital and asked them to pass on a message to my sister. Mom could afford a cab for Alicia if she wanted to go back to the house. I needed a night off.

Cat declined any beer but she sat with us as we reminisced and laughed about old times. They told me about everyone else, it was interesting to hear what people were doing. A lot of them had stayed in Ellwood. Apparently Jessica of all people, the girl who had disliked me for following Jason around, had also moved to New York. I was kinda pleased I hadn't bumped into her and said as much.