The Price of Falling (31 page)

This was going to be tough.

At the airport I paid extra for a first class ticket, the only seat they had left on the next flight back to New York. I guess I didn't mind, at least it was quieter in first. I'd bought several magazines to flick through, trying to keep up with current topics for work mostly. I couldn't keep my concentration focused. I felt restless, sad and even angry.

Those feelings stayed with me all the way home. New York was my real home now, I knew that as soon as I caught sight of it through the airplane's window, and I felt better being back in my apartment. I felt secure because it was mine. No-one would tell me what to do here.

I checked my watch. It was four thirty in the afternoon. No point going into work now. I couldn't stand being on my own doing nothing, so I changed into my gym clothes and went out. I tried to find the most normal gym I could. I wasn't in the mood to talk to flirty gay guys. At least in the 'straight' gyms people didn't talk to you as much, and I was used to deflecting interest from girls.

The next day I went into work early.

I'd had a bad night's sleep, waking up a couple of times from having really vivid dreams, both of which I'd felt absolutely helpless to do anything. They started with me holding Jason, then I noticed he was limp in my arms, lifeless. I shook him but there was nothing. Hospital staff tried to put a sheet over him and take him away but I pushed their hands off, determined he wasn't dead.

What made it all the more real was that the Fulbourne staff were there. I woke up with a start both times, the last one in a cold sweat. That was at five fifteen this morning so I'd given up on sleep and had a warm shower instead. I made it into work at seven. I liked it when I was early as the office was quiet. I could organize things and plan the day out without someone chatting in my ear.

Tara, my secretary, came in at eight. I'd already made some coffee and poured her a cup.

‘You beat me to it,’ she smiled.

‘My pleasure,’ I told her. ‘When you're ready I just want to go over what I've missed.’

Aaron rolled in at eight-fifty, looking rumpled. We didn't really have to be in until nine but most of the team got in at eight-thirty.

‘You're back!’ he greeted, coming straight over. ‘How is everything?’

I shrugged. ‘Could be better. Could be worse too, I guess.’

That was true, I thought.

As long as people were still alive, and here, that was what mattered.

It was still difficult waiting.

Alicia phoned me in the evenings with any news. They'd move Dad in a few days, as he was stable. He needed constant care though. That wouldn't be cheap. Mom couldn't do it at home, unless she got the house modified. That wasn't cheap either. It was all things to think about.

As if that wasn't enough, I was now constantly worrying how Jason was. I called Fulbourne every other day. I would have called every day but I worried they'd get sick of me phoning. I spoke to Dr. Harris a couple of times. He'd been trying to do basic tests on Jason but he was being awkward apparently. They'd had to sedate him just to get a blood sample.

The results would come back in a few days. Jason was currently in day four of the withdrawal symptoms. The vomiting and diarrhoea had subsided, now he just had the nausea, chills, cramps and anxiety.

‘When the withdrawal process has finished we'll be able to run more tests and check his mental state,’ Dr. Harris informed me in his usual monotone.

‘Actually,’ I interjected. ‘I'd rather come over then and see what he wants to do.’

Dr. Harris didn't respond at first, until I added, ‘If that's OK?’

‘Well, it's your bill,’ he said.

Didn't I know it.

It hadn't even been a week but I'd already gotten a rough costing so far of what I was going to be charged. I'd already paid a deposit for Jason's room, a little extra to convince Mrs. McKane into it, and I had to get a donation of sorts to them as well.

This was going to be an expensive month.

I really concentrated on work for the next few days, thankful for something else to occupy my mind. I wasn't sleeping well. On my own I had this terrible feeling of panic about to set in. I couldn't bear the waiting. I felt too exhausted to go to the gym or anywhere else.

Instead, after work I went to a toy store and started buying up small gifts for AJ and Cat. I had planned to buy them a whole lot more. I was always pleased to spend my money on other people. This month however I'd have to be more careful. Maybe it was better buying small gifts at first anyway, I didn't want to offend them by being flashy with presents. The toy store was like an Aladdin’s cave. An assistant had to help me pick toys suitable for a baby as I had no idea about what the age ranges were. I had the gifts boxed and paid for them to be shipped straight out to their house.

Shopping for other people gave me the space to unwind. I went to other toy stores and simply gazed at shelf upon shelf of items, planning what I'd buy next for baby Kitty. When I passed a big record store I found myself wandering in and hovering in the pop and rock section under 'D'. There were mostly CD's now, not records or tapes. I thought maybe Jason would be less angry with me if I bought him something.

He'd always loved his music but it didn't look like he had anything back in that squat. I didn't really know the names of the other bands he liked. I could remember Depeche Mode however. I picked up every CD they had and carried them to the front desk in my arms.

‘Big fan?’ The clerk smiled at me.

‘Yeah, something like that,’ I mumbled.

When I got home I piled the CD's next to my virtually unused CD player.

They'd be ready for Jason when he came here, I thought. I didn't want to think about any other outcome. I tried to think of more ways to persuade him to come to New York; the apartment was already clean and tidy, thanks to Maria who came in the afternoons. I couldn't remember any other music Jason liked. I knew if I randomly bought CD's they'd be all wrong. The only other things I remembered him doing was drinking and smoking pot.

Well, no that wasn't true. The things I remembered most was everything we did together. However I still wasn't sure if he'd done all that purely for money. A part of me liked to think that he did like being with me. Hopefully I'd find out soon.

Blake called. It was good to hear his voice. He was in Ellwood, said he was sorry he missed me but this was the first chance he could get away. He said he'd gone to visit Dad in hospital, and talk to my Mom. He'd had to bring a solicitor so Mom could sign papers for Blake to take over Dad's part of the business, purely as temporary until Dad was back to normal.

I appreciated how he worded this, but I think we both knew Dad would never be able to run the business again. Blake told me he'd suggested Mom had home help for Dad but he could see it becoming too difficult to care for him in that house.

‘Likely she's gotta make up her mind about moving to a smaller place,’ Blake said. ‘Somewhere that can accommodate what's needed. Especially for the restroom, you know.’

‘Yeah,’ I agreed.

‘Best give her a cup'la weeks to think about it. I told her I'm here if she needs me. It'll all be just fine. I told that sister of yours to get herself back to college too. No point moping when he don't even realize people are sitting around waiting for him to get better. That's the sad truth.’

‘Thank you, Blake. I'm glad they're listening to you,’ I told him.

‘Ah, it's no problem. We have to deal with what the good Lord hands out to us.’

I smiled into the phone and thanked him again. I still wasn't religious, but I appreciated the sentiment.

It was good to have Alicia come back. I didn't realize how lonely I felt without her. I bought a big bunch of fresh flowers and after failing miserably at arranging them in a vase, asked Maria to do it.

Maria had come over to drop off a dish of freshly made lasagna, as she was prone to doing for us.

Alicia was pleased to be back as well; I gave her a big hug and we ate dinner with Maria.

I felt sorry for Tony sitting alone in their shop but I think he liked being left in peace occasionally.

I wasn't sleeping well but I felt better having Alicia back. That was, until she started asking me a lot of questions.

The next day when I got in from work she wanted to know everything. I figured she had a guilty conscience. I couldn't be mad at her for what she did. I was still upset but I felt like my feelings were on hold until I'd spoken to Jason anyway. I figured if he did agree to come live here I should be honest with Alicia, mostly to avoid any further misunderstandings.

‘He's a drug addict?’ She said, shocked.

‘He's in rehab.’

‘Yeah but only because you put him there.’

‘There's no point presuming anything,’ I answered as calmly as I could. ‘I'll go and talk to him when he's better and see what happens.’

‘You want him to come here, don't you?’

‘Yes,’ I stated.

‘Mike, how well do you really know him?’

Her question cut through me like a knife.

The answer to that was twofold. I'd gone over this countless times myself and knew that really, I had only known Jason for five months. I knew that probably wasn't long, especially as the first time I'd spoken to him was in March, and the last time was in June. So we really only knew each other for four months. I realized this was a short time.

However I also had the cast iron belief that it simply didn't matter. I knew Jason wasn't a bad person. Yes he could be difficult, and yes I had spent a lot of time being frustrated but none of that mattered when I held him close, when he let me kiss him. No-one else could make my heart feel like it was going to burst out of my chest. I'd give anything to feel that way again.

I looked at Alicia as I replied. ‘Well enough.’

She wasn't happy with my decision, and I could feel her disapproving glances whenever I came home with new things. I bought extra toiletries, clothes, towels. She knew they were for him.

We didn't talk about it. I cleared out a space in my closet for the new things. I had bought some plain t-shirts. I knew he probably wouldn't like what I bought but it was better than nothing for now. I had also bought some sweat pants and normal pants. I knew Jason had lived in his ripped jeans but I had no idea what size he was.

Whatever size he used to be was bigger than what he was now. I tried not to think about how thin and ill he looked when I last saw him.

Mom called Alicia every couple of days to give her news. I didn't really speak to Mom, I still felt quite distant from the family. Obviously I hoped Dad would recover but I was realistic when I thought it was unlikely. I had resigned myself to not having anything to do with them and it would probably take time to feel any differently.

I could tell Alicia was still very upset about Dad, so for her I feigned interest. I told her it was best to concentrate on her studies, as she was three weeks behind already.

Dr. Harris called while I was at work; he had the results of Jason's blood test. I had been dreading this, assuming the worst.

‘We've diagnosed Hepatitis B from the blood test. The results for HIV are inconclusive, so we'd have to run more. He also has bronchitis, which has likely been long standing for a while.’

I tried to take it all in. ‘So... What next?’

‘We've administered medication,’ Dr. Harris reported in his monotone voice. ‘It doesn't help that he refuses to take them. The antibiotics won't work properly if not taken as instructed.’

‘Oh right,’ I said. ‘Well, I guess I'll come down and speak to him.’