The Price of Falling (35 page)

Jason gave me a withering look, again something I hadn't received for years.

‘Not
that
, Mike. Even if I was just your friend, people will look at you then look at me and think, what the fuck is he doing here? He doesn't fit in here.’

I vaguely heard what he was sulking about but after those first words, my ears filled with the sound of my own heartbeat. Even if I was just your friend, he'd said.

That was all I needed to know that I had a chance. I could make this work.

I leaned over and grasped his hand, catching him by surprise.

‘What are you doing?’ he grumbled. ‘Fuck off.’

I let him pull his hand away, searching his eyes as I said again, ‘I love you. How do you feel about me?’

Jason didn't reply, his green eyes were wary. I had missed looking into those eyes so much, it used to be the only way I could tell him things, silently. Scared kid that I was, thinking if I gazed into his eyes long enough he'd know how I felt without having to say anything.

Maybe he had known.

He turned away, rubbing his hands over his eyes like he was tired.

‘Tell me,’ I pressed.

‘It's not gonna work, Mike.’ He folded his arms and turned away. ‘Look at you, and then look at me.’

‘We've always been different,’ I offered.

‘Yeah but, I'm not the same person,’ his voice was barely above a whisper. I wasn't sure if that was down to the cough or him.

‘You're still you. I love you.’

I wondered, how many more times could I say it?

Jason shook his head again. ‘I don't enjoy life, I don't want to do anything. There's no point in trying, I'll just make you miserable and you'll end up hating me. Like everyone else. You should have left me where I was.’

I took in his words; they made me sadder than anything but more determined to convince him.

‘You're sure to feel bad right now, the Doctor said so. You've gotta give it time.’

‘I've felt this way for ages,’ Jason looked up at me. ‘The only thing drugs do is make all that go away, and nothing matters any more. Then I find myself locked in this fucking room on the come down from hell, and it's like I have to stare at myself in the mirror after years of avoiding it. You have no idea how much I don't want to be here.’

‘I'm sorry,’ I told him. ‘I'll take you out, we can leave-’

‘No, dummy,’ he snapped, eyes glistening. ‘Not just here, I don't want to be alive. Do you understand? I don't want to be here
at all
!’

I didn't know how to respond. I was silent only a moment but Jason took that as my answer.

‘See! That's me, that's what I'm like. And you want me to come live with you? It's never gonna work, you should have left me alone.’

He stood up, about to walk around me again. I stood up too, blocking his way. I was desperate, trying to hold his hand as he swatted me off.

‘I always knew you weren't happy,’ I said, gripping onto his shoulders, forcing him to stay still. ‘And I know you feel bad now, but if you give it a chance, I know I can make it better. We were OK, weren't we? You were OK with me?’

My fingers squeezed at him as I searched his face, He wouldn't look at me.

‘Please, Jason, give me a chance.’

My voice was wavering. I breathed in to steady it.

He shook his head. ‘I'll just make you miserable.’

I couldn't help it, I pulled him into my chest, wrapped my arms around him. He seemed cool, not warm like I remembered. I hugged him tightly, trying not to crush him.

‘You won't,’ I whispered, lips just above his ear, nuzzling at his head. I'd missed him so much. I inhaled deeply to draw his scent into me. I could feel him breathe against me, inside my arms. With each blow of his breath I could feel the familiar heat growing in my groin. I lost it a little and dipped my head to brush my lips on the skin of his neck.

I felt him shiver but also push at me with his hands.

‘Mike, don't.’

I opened my arms and released him, taking a step back. ‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. I was still blocking his way, and didn't know what else to do. Jason folded his arms and looked away from me. He seemed upset. It was strange, I had never seen this much emotion from him before.

‘Please come home with me,’ I asked again. ‘I'm not taking no for an answer. Why don't we just...see what happens?’

Jason sighed. ‘Alright, fine,’ he said quietly. ‘On one condition.’

‘Anything,’ I offered, elated at last.

‘You gotta promise me, if you don't want me there any more or you've changed your mind, just tell me.’

‘Nothing will change,’ I stated, which only earned me another withering look.

‘People always change,’ he said, and I felt the hurt behind those words. ‘Just promise,’ he continued. ‘If you don't want me there or you've had enough, tell me and I'm gone. I'm sick of people silently hating me and not saying anything.’

I nodded, agreeing to what he wanted. ‘If that's what it takes, I promise.’

Chapter 14

So finally, on Saturday May 23
^rd
, I got what I wanted. Jason Reilly came home with me.

Well... OK, I didn't have
everything
I wanted. I didn't want to push him, I kept my distance and hoped he'd snap out of this weird, anxious and depressive state he was currently in.

It certainly wasn't easy, I wouldn't lie about that. Jason almost didn't get on the plane to New York because he started panicking. I'd spoken to Dr. Harris before we left Fulbourne and he gave me a long list of symptoms that drug addicts were likely to have even after quitting. Panic attacks, anxiety and depression were top of the list.

Jason had a similar panic as we arrived in JFK, New York. It seemed to be places with a lot of people he'd suddenly worry. He'd freeze on the spot and say he wanted to 'go back'. The only thing I could do was talk to him calmly and try to distract him. I bought him a Walkman and some tapes in the departure lounge and loads of magazines. He loved the Walkman; when he wore it all the time at home I considered hiding it.

I never knew I could get jealous of a damn Walkman.

I'd also had to buy him clothes. He couldn't very well leave Fulbourne with no shoes and their standard issue blue slacks. I'd had to go searching round the Ellwood mall for three different sizes of sneakers and jeans, as even he didn't know his size. I got a t-shirt and, as he'd specifically asked, a black sweater with a hood. He lived in that sweater, with the hood pulled up. And black sunglasses. He said the light hurt his eyes a lot more than he remembered.

When we drove through New York City in the cab he quietly stared out of the window. It was hard to tell what he thought, with the shades on and the hood up I could barely see him. I hoped he would like being here.

The first thing he did when we got in the apartment was go over to the big sliding window by the kitchen. It was open, and the cool evening air blew in. He didn't step out onto the balcony but gazed out at the building tops and the street below. After that first look, he didn't go near the window again for weeks.

Jason did like his CD's at least. He also liked my TV, after he found MTV for the first time he rarely changed the channel. I showed him where everything was, not that he paid much attention. I showed him how to use the shower, the oven and microwave.

Not that I was any great chef in the kitchen. He said he wasn't hungry anyway, simply sat on the couch and watched TV. I made a sandwich for myself but really I was too nervous to eat.

While I was in the kitchen I heard the apartment door open. I knew it must have been Alicia coming home from a night out. I chickened out of their first meeting and hesitated behind the corner wall.

‘Oh,’ I heard Alicia say. ‘Hey.’

I strained as hard as I could but didn't hear a reply from Jason. I decided I'd better intervene. I knew how difficult he could be.

‘Hey!’ I said, flying out of the kitchen. ‘You're back! Alicia, Jason's going to stay with us. Hey, you been out? You look pretty. How's Will?’

Alicia nodded, trying her best to put on a convincing smile. ‘Yeah, great,’ she said, answering all my questions at once.

Jason still didn't answer. I noticed after a hard look at her he turned his attention back to the TV.

This was gonna be awkward.

I was right; seemed I couldn't have my cake and eat it after all.

Alicia was my family, she was all I had but I needed to have Jason in my life too. It was sad that they were determined not to get along. Alicia, to her credit, did try at first. I knew all too well how difficult Jason was if he didn't like someone, or wanted to wind them up. He would either ignore them completely or offer a back-handed remark. I'd seen him do it to pretty much everyone in high school at some point.

He had tried doing that with me at first but after a while when he realized I didn't rise to it and wouldn't go away, he did start to lay off. I actually considered his insults a sign of affection, I didn't get offended by them. They were like specks of dirt bouncing off my wind-shield. I could see through all that and I hoped eventually he would feel comfortable enough to relax.

Jason definitely wasn't himself. He slept a lot, in my bed or curled up on the couch with the TV going. He seemed tired all the time, and when he was awake he was cranky, having always just woken up.

‘He hates me,’ Alicia whispered to me in the kitchen while he was in the shower.

‘He doesn't hate you,’ I whispered back, hoping that was true. ‘He's...not himself, the Doctor said it's normal having come off the drugs.’

‘What, to lose your manners?’ she countered. ‘He's so rude to me, Mike! He's rude to you, too. Can't you see it?’

I sighed. ‘Like I said, this isn't really him. He'll get better.’

‘Yeah, you hope so,’ Alicia huffed before turning on her heel.

I really did hope so.

It was quite a drain on me as well. I didn't know what to do; I worried when I was at work that Jason would suddenly have a change of heart and leave. I would call the apartment to check on him a couple of times a day, until he snapped at me to stop calling him about nothing.

Then I worried that I was crowding him. At first I slept on the couch, letting him sleep in my bed. One night he demanded to know why I wasn't sleeping with him. It took a moment for me to gather myself and answer that, without immediately thinking about sex.

‘Um, I, well I thought-’ I breathed in. ‘I thought you wanted some space.’

‘No,’ he said sulkily, sat on the side of the bed with his arms folded. ‘If you're scared you'll catch something from me, you should just say. I'll go sleep on the couch.’

I sighed in frustration. ‘No, it's not that...’

He was evidently still upset about the visit from his new Doctor that day. I wanted to register him to a surgery in New York, and had a Doctor do a house call. Jason was not happy about it, not one bit. Especially when the Doctor wanted blood and urine samples.

I'd tried telling him it wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion, and he'd been instructed to get regular checkups anyway. His cough had pretty much disappeared and the Hepatitis was under control but I was still worried about him.

Jason had shut himself in the restroom to do the urine sample but after twenty minutes it became apparent that he wasn't coming out. I had to apologies to the Doctor while he waited and I talked to Jason through the door.