The Price of Falling (38 page)

Although this time I noticed, somewhere in my senses that weren't drowning in his taste, his scent, something was different. Before, I remembered Jason allowing me to do what I wanted but he always felt distant, like it didn't matter to him if I carried on or not. If I had kissed for too long he would turn away or simply push me off. I kept expecting this now but he only kissed me back. I was the one who had to break away to breathe.

His hands were on me, pulling me closer, caressing. I had missed him so much. The familiar soft touch of his skin, the shape of his body curved up against mine, I'd missed it all. I knew what he wanted, or what he wanted to let me do. I didn't know if it was a good idea but I was too weak to stop. Clothes peeled away, our bare skin brushed together as my heart pounded. I kissed my way down the pale skin of his stomach, tried not to think about the last time we did this.

Nothing was in our way now. I wanted to show him how much I missed him, how grateful I was he was giving me another chance. Kissing over the smooth, sensitive skin of his hip bone and feeling him shiver I opened my lips, sliding my mouth down his length. He made a whimpering noise as I worked him, licking and mouthing him to release.

I didn't think about it, I did as I always had before and swallowed; it was all his flavor, the most intimate part of him. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong until he told me I shouldn't have.

‘What? Why?’

‘Well...’

‘Oh,’ I realized. ‘I'm sure it's alright, all your test results have been fine.’

‘Yeah,’ he said quietly. ‘Well, just put on a condom, yeah?’

My breathing suddenly increased. ‘Are you sure?’ I asked, although I was already leaning towards the night stand. ‘I mean, are you sure you want to?’

Jason nodded, his eyes never leaving me.

I did as he asked, with slightly shaking fingers I couldn't get the condom on quick enough. Our eyes were locked as I made to move closer and he opened his legs, allowing me to sit between them. Taking a deep breath I tried to calm my nerves, running my fingers gently up his thighs, resting them on sharp hip bones. He laid down as I lifted his hips onto my lap, inhaling sharply when I pushed into him. I tried to keep it slow but had trouble holding back.

This was everything to me; yes, I had tried it with other guys...but it was never the same. The only time I had ever felt this good was with him. That feeling only came when I had him pinned beneath me as I thrust into that tight heat, gazing down as he moaned for me, for me only.

He said my name. I gasped in surprise and asked, ‘Again.’

I had always loved it when he said my name, it did something crazy to me. As he said it again for me I could only groan in response. It still had the same effect and I couldn't stop myself as I came inside him.

I was disappointed I hadn't lasted longer but I hadn't been with anyone for three months, or with him for four years. ‘I'm sorry,’ I said, leaning down to kiss his mouth.

Again, he didn't push me away.

In between kisses I breathed, ‘I’m not that fast all the time, I'll make it up to you. I'll do whatever you want.’

‘Tell me something,’ he asked, eyes searching mine in the dark.

‘What?’

‘Why do you love me?’

I swallowed, instantly embarrassed. ‘Er...’ I pulled away and moved to his side, settling down in the bed. I wondered how long I could delay my answer by pretending to get comfortable and arrange the covers around me. I wasn't used to all this open talking with Jason. Our brief exchange earlier admitting our feelings was more than I'd ever expected from him.

He waited for my answer, laying on his side and looking at me.

‘Um, I don't know, I just do,’ I offered weakly.

He didn't buy that. I could see his slight frown, even in the dark.

‘I need to know,’ he said firmly. I knew by his tone that if he didn't like my next answer he'd more than likely get annoyed with me.

‘Alright,’ I sighed, rubbing my hand across my face. ‘I think that first time I spoke to you, I knew. It's only grown since then. It's...not one thing, it's everything about you. I just need you. And that's it.’

I glanced at him to try and see his reaction, if it was enough. Jason didn't reply but I was sure I saw him smile before he shifted closer to me and buried his head in my shoulder. I waited for a response from him but then realized he intended to go to sleep. I felt like rolling my eyes, not that he would notice. I had to sneak out of the bed to get up and turn off the TV and all the lights that he'd left on.

When I climbed back into the bed I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his neck. I half expected his hand to swat me away but he only murmured something and pressed himself closer to me.

That night I slept better than I had in years. I finally felt as if everything was in its place at last. I slept holding Jason now, every night, and I felt better knowing he was there.

Well, most of the time I held him, unless he grumbled at me that I was making him too hot and banished me to the other side of the bed. It was never for long though. I think really, he liked to know I was there too.

Epilogue

‘I want to change my last name,’ Jason brought up one evening.

‘Your name?’ I repeated, taken aback. ‘Why?’

He shrugged, as if it was no big deal. ‘I don't want to be attached to a family I have nothing to do with.’

I had to nod in agreement. I knew all too well how he felt.

‘Ok, so what you gonna change it to?’

His eyes drifted up to mine briefly before he pretended to look at the TV Guide.

‘I thought I'd use Miller. If you insist on telling everyone I'm your cousin. Do you mind?’

I smiled instantly at the prospect yet decided to tease him. ‘But cousins don't always have the same surname,’ I said innocently.

Jason snapped the TV Guide closed with barely disguised frustration. I wasn't entirely sure if he had stopped bothering to be as manipulative as I remembered or if I was just better at reading people, reading him. Either way, these days I could tell when he wanted something.

Occasionally I was mean and didn't play along.

‘Yes, but,’ he said, almost but not quite nonchalant. ‘It would make more sense. No-one believes we're cousins anyway.’

‘Yes, they do,’ I defended. ‘If Maria and Tony do then anyone else would.’

Jason fixed me with a withering look. ‘Maria knows, Mike.’

I was stunned. ‘What? How?’

He shrugged. ‘She asked me. I didn't want to lie to her.’

‘What?’ I panicked. I couldn't believe Maria knew! Worst of all, she didn't tell me that she knew!

It was like coming out to your aunt without knowing you'd done it.

‘Mike, she knew anyway. She just asked me, so I said yes. She doesn't care. She did say not to tell Tony though,’ Jason smiled.

‘Really?’ My heart, which had started hammering, began to slow. ‘She didn't mind?’

‘No.’

‘Oh. Well,’ I sighed. ‘I wish you'd told me.’

‘I'm telling you now.’

‘You're a bit late,’ I countered.

Jason only responded by dramatically rolling his eyes.

Before when we used to bicker I felt I could only sit there in frustration, not able to get my point across. Now, as we were essentially a couple, I could do things like reach over and pull him towards me. I was still stronger by a mile but he never resisted anyway. I'd pull him in and cover his mouth with mine, just like I did now.

I may not always have had the upper hand when it came to words but I found I could make him submit in other ways. I could silence that sharp tongue with my own, those green eyes would close as he kissed me back. This was the only way I could get what I wanted, or win an argument. If we kissed for too long it would always lead to more.

Not that I ever heard him complain.

‘Take my name then,’ I said against his lips. ‘If that's what you want.’

He only smiled in reply but it was enough for me.

Obviously I had to do all the work by getting the official papers he needed to change his name. I didn't mind. I was touched that he wanted my name; the gesture was bigger than anything he could ever say to me.

So on August 30
^th
as he signed the papers, we said goodbye to Jason Shaun Reilly. Now it was Jason Miller.

‘Don't you want your middle name?’ I had asked.

He had wrinkled his nose at me and shook his head.

So, Jason Miller it was. My Jason.

Our first outing together (although not in that sense) was a trip to the record store. I should have known that was what would entice him outside eventually. Instead of asking him to come for a walk in the park all the time I should have simply suggested we go shopping for CDs and tapes.

I would have taken the day off work for the occasion so we didn't have the weekend bustle to contend with, but it was August. The kids were all off school and everywhere was pretty busy. Not the best of times for your first trip out, and I worried Jason would start panicking like he'd done at the airport.

He seemed alright though; he was wary of people being near him but overall he managed pretty well. I followed him round the aisles in the store as he browsed, handing CDs over his shoulder for me to carry. As I held the ever growing pile of plastic cases I glanced at some of their covers. Still didn't recognize anything.

This was definitely not the sort of music Ryan and the others listened to either.

I was pleased with our first outing. We had a few more small trips like that, eased him into going out more. I guess our proper 'outing' was when I finally got to introduce Jason to my friends.

Ryan had been desperate to arrange it. I put it off as long as I could, feeling like the last thing I wanted to do was scare Jason back into being a recluse. I probably shouldn't have worried about that; if anything he seemed restless. That made me worry for different reasons. I was both pleased and sweat-breakingly nervous about Jason and Ryan meeting.

Ryan could be very excitable and liked close contact with people, I couldn't help but worry. I had told him to try reining it in, explaining that Jason hadn't been well or seen a lot of people lately.

‘What's wrong with him?’ Ryan had asked. ‘It's not contagious is it?’

‘No, not at all. But he's shy, so like, don't go crazy.’

Ryan stifled a laugh. ‘I'll be an example in decorum!’

‘I mean it,’ I warned. ‘Tell Sam, too.’

‘You tell Sam,’ he countered.

‘He'll listen to
you
.’

‘I doubt it!’

I sighed. I really was expecting the worst. Ryan had suggested meeting in a whole host of bars that I vetoed until we decided on Pinky's. I'd chosen it because it wasn't small or claustrophobic but spacious and airy. The décor was verging on being too camp, all neon glow and pink flamingos, but I wasn't worried about that. I knew if we went early enough in the evening it wouldn't be too busy.

When we walked in Jason looked about with a frown then turned to me.

‘This place looks awful,’ he stated bluntly.

‘I know, but it's quiet,’ I explained. I took his hand gently and guided him through the bar.