The Problem Child (The Sisters Grimm, Book 3) (17 page)

The princess picked up a conch shell sitting on the armrest of her throne and blew into it. A low rumbling note filled the air.

"I am hungry. I want a treat," she demanded.

The skinny merman with the tablet approached the throne. "Your highness, if you will recall, last week you instructed me to not allow you to snack between meals. You told me to kill anyone who offers you anything that isn't on your diet."

"I'm rescinding that order," the princess said. "I want a treat. I've been good all day. I had my seaweed smoothie for breakfast and lunch and I swam on the treadmill for twenty minutes. I want a treat. I deserve a treat."

"But, your majesty…"

"Treat!"

she roared.

"Now!"

"Very well, your highness," the merman said with a worried face. "Bring the princess a treat!"

A second merman soldier shouted, "Bring the princess a treat!" followed by another and another. Soon, the side door flew open and a lowly merman wearing a chef's hat and a white apron swam into the hall with a dented silver platter. He bowed before the princess, took the lid off, and presented a bright pink cake with squiggly tentacles poking out of the sides. She snatched it from him with greedy fingers.

"It's anemone upside-down cake, your majesty," the chef said nervously. He bowed deeply, left the platter, and hurried off. The princess took a big bite of the odd cake. Sabrina knew her grandmother would die to have the recipe.

"Oh, it's heavenly," the little mermaid said with her mouth full. "I think I'll have another tiny bite."

She ate another, and then another, and another until the whole cake was gone. She looked down at the empty platter and started to cry.

"My lady," the skinny merman said nervously. "What brings you to tears?"

"I'm fat!" she, cried. "Look at me! I used to be thin! How could you let me eat that cake?"

"But, your majesty…"

"It's the chef's fault. I want you to feed him to the Cruel Crustacean!"

"But, your majesty. He's your favorite chef."

Cruel Crustacean!"

she roared.

"Now!"

"Feed the chef to the Cruel Crustacean!" the merman assistant shouted. It was quickly repeated throughout the room until a hulking guard ran out the side door with his trident.

"What's the Cruel Crustacean?" Daphne whispered.

Sabrina shrugged. "Uncle Jake, do something."

"What?"

"I don't know. You said you were good with women. You figure it out," Sabrina said.

Uncle Jake smiled. "Your majesty, I think you're being too hard on yourself. I don't think you're fat. I think you're beautiful."

One of the merman guards stuck his trident dangerously close to Uncle Jake's throat.

"Silence!"

he shouted. "You will not speak until the princess has given you permission."

"Who are these topsiders?" the mermaid asked as she licked the crumbs off her fingers.

"These are the ones who stole your portion of the Vorpal blade," the skinny merman explained to the princess. He set the broken sword on the throne and then backed away.

"Is this true, topsider? Defend yourself!" the Little Mermaid demanded.

"Yes, I stole it," Uncle Jake said. "But the girls had nothing to do with it."

"You are confessing to your crime?" the Little Mermaid said, surprised. "Most of the topsiders I have met are liars. Why would you admit your guilt and face almost certain death?"

"We need the blade to stop a Jabberwocky that is terrorizing the town," Uncle Jake said.

"Why would that concern me?" the mermaid said. "Let the monster destroy your town for all I care. Topsiders deserve no less! You are guilty! Feed them to the Cruel Crustacean!"

The guards seized the Grimms.

"Wait!" Uncle Jake cried. "There was another reason I did it."

"Let him speak," the princess said.

Uncle Jake stammered but then smiled and said, "I have a crush on you!"

Daphne stepped forward. "It's true. You're all he talks about."

"Twenty-four hours a day," Sabrina added nervously.

"He thinks you're a total hottie!" Daphne added as sincerely as she could. "He wants to marry you and have a million merbabies."

"You're pushing it a bit far," Uncle Jake muttered to the little girl.

"Is this true?" the princess said. Even in the dim underwater light Sabrina could see her blushing.

"I stole the blade because I wanted to meet you," Uncle Jake explained. "I have been all over the world and have seen a lot of women but the rumors of your beauty could not be ignored. I had to risk my life to see if those rumors were true."

"Nonsense." The princess giggled. "I've seen the celebrity magazines that float down here from your world. I know I'm not as thin as they are."

"Those women don't hold a candle to you," Uncle Jake replied. "Why, I bet if you came up to the surface you'd be in one of those magazines, too."

"Every word that comes out of your mouth is a filthy lie," the princess snapped. Sabrina gulped. It seemed as if Uncle Jake's plan had fallen apart, until the mermaid's face softened and a wide smile appeared. "And I love every single one of them."

Uncle Jake looked over at Sabrina and winked. Their uncle had his own magic inside him. He was one of the most charming men she had ever met.

"I know what I did was wrong, but I'm glad I did it. Too bad you're going to kill us, though. I would have loved to go back to the surface and tell that ex-boyfriend of yours how gorgeous you still are. He lives in town. I hear he lost all his hair and moved back in with his mom. He's pathetic. He got just what he deserved."

"You say he is miserable?"

"Oh, yes. Just a shell of the man he once was," Uncle Jake replied.

The Little Mermaid smiled. "I wish I could see his face when you tell him how great I am doing."

"I could take a picture and bring it back," Uncle Jake offered.

The princess giggled mischievously. "That's a very tempting offer."

"Since I would be going up there and coming back anyway, you could lend me your portion of the Vorpal blade. Once I'm done with it, I could bring it back to you with the picture and we can laugh at how stupid your loser ex looks."

The Little Mermaid and Uncle Jake laughed together.

"All right, you naughty boy," the princess said. "You've got yourself a deal. You are free to go and you can take the blade, too.

"Oh, I knew you would be wonderful!" Daphne said, clapping her hands. "I saw the movie they made about you. It was so romantic!"

Uncle Jake put his hand over the little girl's mouth but it was too late. The Little Mermaid's face turned red and contorted with anger.

"Romantic!

Oh, yes, it was romantic. Unfortunately, it never happened!

There was no happily ever after for me. He dumped me and ran off to marry some tart."

"But he's bald now, princess," Uncle Jake said. "Repugnant. Lives in his parents' basement. Remember?"

"He threw a lot of pretty words around but he didn't really mean them. He got my hopes up and then he left me for the first thing with feet that came along. But what should I have expected from a topsider? My parents tried to warn me. My sisters did, too. All topsiders are the same. They're nothing but a bunch of liars."

"Your majesty. It's obvious you are upset," Sabrina cried. "We'll just take the blade and go."

"As I suspected! You're not down here to give me compliments," the overstuffed princess growled. She reached over and seized the Vorpal blade piece. "All you want is this!

Feed them to the Cruel Crustacean!"

The merman guards rushed to a huge wooden wheel that protruded from a nearby wall. Together they struggled to turn it, and as they did, the floor beneath the family disappeared and the Grimms sank into the waters below. They tried to swim back into the throne room, but a dozen vicious-looking merman guards blocked the way. Trapped, the family floated down to the sandy floor below and looked around.

"This is bad, right?" Sabrina said, eyeing the dark chamber they found themselves in. "Anything called the Cruel Crustacean can't be looking for a hug."

"Just stay close," Uncle Jake said.

"Look!" Daphne cried as an enormous creature took its first step into the light. It was as big as Granny Relda's house, with eight fat legs that ended in spikes. Its eyes protruded from two long, armlike stalks that wiggled back and forth. It had a massive shell on its back and when it took a step, the ground beneath the family rumbled. Sabrina recognized the monster for what it was. The Chinese restaurant on the corner near their apartment in Manhattan had a much smaller one in a tank by the register. It was a hermit crab, a really big hermit crab.

"Oh, I am going to have some really wicked nightmares after this," said Daphne.

Sabrina looked around the chamber. "There's nowhere to hide in here. What are we going to do?"

Uncle Jake took off his overcoat and dropped it at the girls' feet. "I'll fight this thing off as long as I can." He rushed forward, shouting at the ugly beast to distract it from the sisters.

Sabrina snatched her Uncle's overcoat and searched through its pockets. "There's got to be something here that will help." She pulled out a red brooch with a black eye painted in the middle. She held it up and for a brief moment it glowed with power, but then it fizzled out. Sabrina grimaced and shoved it back into the pocket. She found a little black marble hidden in another pocket and threw it at the monster, hoping for some enormous explosion, but it bounced off the hermit crab's shell and was buried in the sand.

"What was that supposed to do?" Daphne asked.

"Beats me! I'm trying everything."

While Sabrina searched, Uncle Jake did his best to stay out of the way of the hermit crab's legs. It was no easy feat. The crab used them as impaling spikes, bringing them down hard and pulverizing the ground. If one of them connected with Uncle Jake, he'd be a goner.

"Let me help," Daphne said as she dug through the overcoat's pockets as well.

"I thought you said magic was bad," Sabrina said.

Daphne scowled at her sister and stuck her tongue out to give her a raspberry. Together they pulled out a variety of odd-colored rings, carved totems, voodoo dolls, and some amulets made from bones. They tried to activate each of the trinkets, but with zero knowledge of what they did or how to use them, they failed every time. Nothing was working, and the hermit crab had nearly made a shish kebab of their uncle.

"Look for something that gives you a jolt," Uncle Jake shouted. "You'll feel the magic if it's going to work down here."

Sabrina dug through more pockets, discarding anything that didn't feel powerful. Finally, she reached into a pocket and it felt as if something inside had given her an electrical shock.

"What are these?" Sabrina asked, yanking out a pair of slippers.

"The Shoes of Swiftness," Uncle Jake shouted. "Put them on!"

Sabrina eyed the slippers closely. "What do they do?"

Uncle Jake was too busy with the crab to answer, so Sabrina kicked off her shoes and pulled on the slippers. She immediately felt an energy, much like the one the Wand of Merlin gave her. It was incredible and powerful.

Just then, Uncle Jake cried out in pain. Sabrina spun around and found him up against a wall with nowhere to run and the crab raising a deadly spike to skewer him. There was no escape for him.

"No!" Sabrina said, instinctively running to his side, and as she did, something marvelous happened. Her feet moved so fast she was able to snatch her uncle out of the way of certain death. In a flash she and her uncle were standing next to a dumbfounded Daphne.

"OK, that was cool," Daphne admitted.

"I've got an idea," Sabrina said, staring up at the hole. "Grab on to my arms and hold on tight!" Daphne slipped her hand into her sister's. Uncle Jake reached down, grabbed his overcoat, and then slipped his free hand into Sabrina's. The Cruel Crustacean charged at them, but in the blink of an eye they were gone. Sabrina's legs became a blur and in no time the trio were propelled upward as if they were attached to a powerboat motor. They rocketed to freedom through the hole, shocking the merman guards. Sabrina spotted the Vorpal blade, still in the chubby hands of the mermaid princess, and darted in her direction. As they passed her, Uncle Jake snatched it away.

"Thanks, beautiful," he quipped.

The Little Mermaid screamed with rage and a gurgling alarm was sounded. A second later, Sabrina watched as the massive doors to the chamber began to close.

"They're trying to trap us inside!" Uncle Jake warned.

"Hang on!" Sabrina cried and started kicking, this time aiming for the narrowing gap between the doors. Again the group rocketed forward, just slipping through before the doors crushed them to death. They streaked across the main hall, out through the gate, and into the busy streets. Kicking as hard as she could, Sabrina propelled the family down the road, sending mermen and mermaids leaping out of their path. Once they were safely away from the palace, Sabrina angled toward the surface. "Any idea where the boat is?" she said.

"Over there!" Daphne said, pointing to the bright orange anchor they had tossed over the side.

"I recommend we get there as fast as we can," Uncle Jake said, pointing below. Sabrina looked down and saw an army of angry merman guards swimming toward them. Following on their heels was the enormous hermit crab.

Sabrina kicked faster toward the surface. Unfortunately, she misjudged the power of her feet and the group exploded out of the water, flying fifteen feet into the air. A moment later they came crashing back down into the river. Uncle Jake was the first to struggle to the surface again. He pulled Daphne and Sabrina over to the boat and they all climbed in. Uncle Jake snatched up the oars and rowed furiously, but they'd forgotten to pull up the anchor; it held them in place.

"I can't breathe!" Daphne cried suddenly. Uncle Jake dropped the oars and yanked the sticky starfish off the little girl's head with a slurp!

Daphne gasped at first but soon she was breathing fine and helped Sabrina pull off her own starfish. Uncle Jake shoved his into his overcoat.