The Queen`s Confession (33 page)

“I will be different,” I said firmly.

“I will give up these too conspicuous amusements. I am a mother now..

..” 243 I meant it. I wanted to.

My mother wrote from Vienna, she was delighted that I had come safely through childbirth and that my daughter was healthy.

“But we must have a Dauphin,” she wrote.

“We need a Dauphin and heir to the throne 7 must confess to Your Majesty that the Comte de Fersen has been so well received by the Queen that it has given umbrage to several persons. I must admit that I cannot help believing that she has an inclination for him; I have seen indications too obvious to leave me in doubt in the matter. The conduct of the Young Comte de Fersen has, on this occasion, been admirable in its modesty and reserve and above all in the decision he has taken of going to America.

FROM A LETTER WRITTEN BY THE SWEDISH AMBASSADOR AT VERSAILLES TO KING

GUSTAVUS III OF SWEDEN

My dear mother can feel reassured with regard to my conduct. I feel too much the necessity of having children to neglect anything on that score. Besides, I owe it to the King, for his tenderness to me and his confidence, on which I congratulate myself.

MAME ANTOINETTE TO MARIA THERESA

Up to now I have been discreet, but I shall grow importunate. It would be a crime if there were no more royal children. I am growing impatient, and at my age I have not much time left to me.

MARIA THERESA TO MARDB ANTOINETTE

Tragic News from Vienna

I was indeed, as my brother Joseph had said, a featherhead. The incident of the ring should have warned me that I had enemies close to me who felt it important that I should remain infertile. I should have been warned by the sullen looks of the people. There was a war in progress and wars mean increased taxation and hard living for the people; and when they hear stories of a Queen’s extravagance, and actually 245

see evidence of it with their own eyes, they become resentful. No, that is too mild a word. They become murderous with hate. I was blamed for their poverty, I, the silly little Queen, who thought of nothing but dancing and buying fine clothes and jewels. The King bad given hundreds of examples of his care for the poor; he even dressed more soberly than most of the Court gallants. But he was under my spell;

he gave way to me as a doting husband will to a pretty wife. My absorption with amusements and indifference to their needs were responsible for the high price of bread; and I was a foreigner.

They began to call me the Austrian Woman. What right had I a foreigner and an Austrian at that to come to France and presume to rule the French 1 A spate of lampoons showered over Paris. Every careless little act of mine was turned into an example of extravagance, indifference to the people, and, chiefly, obscenity. I only had to address a word to a man and he was my lover; I only had to smile at a woman and my relations with her were un natural.

I knew all this. I could not help knowing it. But I shrugged it aside, as I had been shrugging aside warnings all my life.

I seemed to have a genius for making enemies and selecting friends who could only add to my troubles. I made excuses for myself by saying that I was just an ordinary woman thrust into an extraordinary role which I had not the ability to play; but perhaps I should say I lacked the concentration to play, because had I been serious, had I listened to the warnings of my true friends the King, my mother. Mercy and Vennond, and in her small way my dear Campan I might have turned my course even at this time. Yes, I am sure there was time then. I was on the down hill path; I had started to trip blithely down but I had not yet begun that headlong rush from which it was impossible to stop myself.

Perhaps if my husband had been different. But I should not blame him.

His education had been neglected; he had never been taught anything of the intricacies of statecraft. I remember often how when he first knew he was King he had cried: “They have taught me nothing!” And his grandfather, Louis XV, seeing that his own end could noi be far off, had remarked, “I can see the working of this state machine, but I do not see what will become of it when I am gone and how Berry will extricate himself.” My poor husband, so kind and yet so ineffectual except in those rare moments when he threw aside his doubts of himself as he could do.

But at this time I saw none of this. Scurrilous verses. Lies.

Scandals. There had always been plenty of them. It did not occur to me to wonder who it was who was circulating them. It did not occur to me that it might be my own brothers-in-law, my sisters-in-law, Conde, Conti, Orleans, those Princes whom I had offended.

The wild dance towards destruction had begun, but I was unaware of it.

There was so much to make me happy. There was my darling little daughter. There was Axel de Fersen, haunting me like a shadow, always at my side, or even if he were not close to me I was aware of his glances across the room; there was the King, for ever grateful because I had given proof of his virility, always kind and tender but never so much as now; there was the adored Trianon which was gradually changing its character and losing all sign of the house in which Louis XV had entertained his mistresses. It was my house. I was changing the gardens. I was having the library painted white and had had great fun choosing my apple-green taffeta curtains. The bookshelves were lined with plays, for I intended to give plays at the Trianon. I had such plans. I was building a theatre there and I was already planning whom I should invite to join my little troupe of players. I never thought of the cost of this. I never thought of money at all. I would demand that the work be finished in record time.

“No cost should be spared, Madame?”

“No. Finish it, that’s all.” In a year my embellishments to the Petit Trianon had cost over three hundred and fifty thousand livres. And

the country was at war; and the people of Paris were complaining of the price of bread I Perhaps I had indeed started that mad downhill rush.

But I was happy. Two months after the birth of my baby I felt a great urge to go to the Opera ball. It was Shrove Sunday and I told Louis that I longed to dance there. In his uxorious mood be said he would come with me.

“And you will go masked?” I asked.

He said he would and we went together; no one recognised us and we mingled freely among the dancers, though always together. But I could see that he was bored.

“Please, Louis,” I said, ‘let us go to the next ball, which is on Shrove Tuesday. It has been such fun tonight. “

Weakly, as he often did, he agreed; but on the Monday he pleaded an excess of state business. I was so disappointed that he immediately said I should go with one of my ladies, but I should take care not to be recognised. I chose the Princesse d’Henin, an inoffensive woman,” and arranged that we should drive to the house of the Due de Coigny in Paris, where we should change into an ordinary carriage which he would have waiting for us. Everything had been arranged at such short notice that the carriage, which must necessarily have no distinguishing marks on it, was old and unfit for service. It was, the Due told us, the only one he could acquire at short notice without disclosing for whom it was intended. Consequently the thing broke down before we reached the Opera. Our footman said that he would call a fiacre and the Princesse and I had to go into a shop while he did so. This was amusing to me because I had never before ridden in a public vehicle and I could not resist boasting of it to my friends. How foolish I was! It was the ideal basis on which to build a scandalous story. The Queen travelled about Paris in a fiacre. She called at the house of the Due de Coigny! For what purpose? Could there be any doubt? This was known as Faventure du fiacre, and there were various versions of it.

And all the time I was growing more and more dependent for my happiness

on the presence of Axel de Person. People were beginning to notice how happy I was in his company. I loved to hear about his sisters Fabian, Sophie and Hedda;

I loved to hear about his home in Sweden and his travels in various countries. I was less reticent than he was; he understood how we were watched. He was careful of my reputation; he knew that I was surrounded by spies and enemies; he did not tell me this, for we preserved the fable that there was nothing unusual in our relationship. He was merely a visiting foreigner at my Court and I was there fore naturally a little more hospitable to him than I would be to a Frenchman.

It was an idealistic relationship. We both knew that it could be no more; but as such, it was very precious to us. He could not become my lover. My duty was to bear the Enfams de France and they could have no father but the King. But we allowed ourselves to dream wild dreams, beautiful dreams; it was like the love of a troubadour for a lady whom he can only adore from afar.

It suited my mood, and I did not look beyond the present. I invited him to my card parties, and when I learned that he had come to one on one of the evenings when I had decided not to attend I wrote to him and told him how sorry I was. I had heard that he was a Captain of his King’s Light Dragoons and I expressed the desire to see him in his uniform.

The very next time he appeared before me he was wearing it. I shall never forget the sight of him in that romantic costume blue doublet over a white tunic, with tightly fitting chamois breeches, his cylindrical military cap decorated with two feathers, one blue and one yellow.

Several people noticed how overcome I was by emotion at the sight he presented; and I could not take my eyes from him. With his pale skin, his fair hair and those glowing dark eyes, he seemed godlike.

I thought: I have. never experienced this emotion before for any other person.

After that my friendship for him was discussed freely and he was named as one of my lovers.

The spell was broken, and shortly afterwards he said: “I can bring you only harm by remaining.”

A cold fear struck me and I replied that I was accustomed to calumnies. A few more could do me no harm.

“I would challenge to a duel any who spoke one word against you in my presence.”

The hero of romance 1 He was perfect in every way. He meant it. He would willingly die for my sake and I knew it. He would even go away for my sake.

Gabrielle de Polignac sought to comfort me.

How unlucky I am to be treated so,” I said. I laughed. But if it is malicious of people to suppose I have lovers, it is certainly odd of me to have so many attributed to me and to do without them all.”

Gabrielle certainly thought it was odd of me. It was something hardly any woman in our set did without. Of course I was foolish to surround myself with these people. No wonder I was suspected of behaving as they did. Even Gabrielle was Vaudreuil’s mistress. And all these women’s lovers were said to be mine as well because I met them frequently in the apartments of my friends. I should have been content with the companionship of the Princesse de Lamballe and my dear little sister-in-law Elisabeth.

Then Axel, who had always felt very strongly about the cause of American Independence, made up his mind that he would go to America and help to further it.

I was heartbroken, but must keep up a pretence of mere regret at saying goodbye to someone I respected and liked to chat to. Not that I deceived anyone.

“What!” cried one Duchesse when she heard he was going.

“Are you deserting your conquest?”

I pretended not to hear this and I went on smiling blankly at Artois, who was watching me maliciously.

If I had made one,” Axel answered,
I should not abandon it. I go without leaving anyone behind to regret my going.”

He would lie for me, because he knew of my feelings. It was the only thing to do. He dared not stay.

So he left. Well, I would devote myself to my child. Rumours of my behaviour had of course reached my mother, though not of Axel specifically. I wrote to her:

“My dear Mother can feel reassured with regard to my con duct. I feel too much the necessity of having children to neglect anything on that score. If in the past I was in the wrong it was due to my youth and irresponsibility, but now you can be sure I realise my duty. Besides, I owe it to the King for his tenderness to me and his confidence, on which I congratulate myself….”

I meant that. I was deeply grateful to my husband for his goodness to me. It was not only fear of having another man’s child which had made me agree that Axel should go away, it was the desire to be a faithful wife and worthy of my husband. I knew that he had never been unfaithful to me;

he had never had a mistress. Was he the first King of France to aspire to this virtue? How many women at this Court could say they possessed a faithful husband? His tenderness to me, his desire to please me, that ever-abiding tendresse, surely it demanded some reward? Besides, there was our child.

My little Madame Royale! How I adored her! I saw less of little Annand now. He was bewildered and sad and I would suddenly realise this and send for him and let him lie on my bed with me while I fed him sweetmeats. But the position was changed. He was no longer my little boy. He was merely Annand, to be cared for by servants. What time I had was given to my own little daughter. He was well fed, and had all the material comforts that he had enjoyed before. It did not occur to me that I had acted in my usual thoughtless manner when I had taken him from his home, pampered and petted him and then cast him aside. I forgot this but he never did. He was to remember it in the years to come, he became one of those bitterest enemies who did their share to destroy me.

So even when I had meant to be kind I was helping to build that great force which was to come against me and envelop me and sweep me on to

destruction. 251 My mother was writing as often as ever and the theme of her letters was: There must be a Dauphin.

I was keeping tote hours, she had heard from Mercy. Was that the way to get a Dauphin? The King went early to bed and rose early. I went late and rose late. She had heard that at the Trianon where I often was I slept alone. She disapproved of the lit a part. Each month she wanted to hear that I was pregnant and there was no news of this happy situation.