The Rake's Rainbow (34 page)

She stared at his face a full minute before responding. His shuttered eyes revealed nothing. Could he really be admitting fault?  Did she dare press the issue?  “Yes. Do you?”

“Yes.”  He hung his soaked greatcoat over a chair near the fire and held his hands closer to the heat. Eyes on the flames, he licked his dry lips and forced his voice to continue. This was much harder than he had imagined. “I belong in Bedlam. There is much for which I must beg forgiveness. Can you ever consider it?”

Something in Caroline’s heart relaxed at the words, but her expression changed not at all. Perhaps she was being offered a second chance. But she would accept it only if they were both completely honest. And it would not hurt him a bit to remain in doubt about her own feelings. “I do not know.”

His next words validated her assessment and started a warm glow deep inside, but still she held her pose. Not until everything was in the open would she consider the future.

“We need to be honest with each other, Caroline. I have no wish to inflict more pain than I have already caused you, but understanding requires facts. If I had allowed myself to examine facts sooner, we would not have come to this pass.”

“I agree.”  She composed her face and steeled herself for whatever sins he was about to confess. “Continue.”

“You know about the obsession for Lady Darnley I have entertained for the past year.”  She nodded. “Looking back, I cannot believe how naïve I was. She ensnared me with her beauty and a sensual wantonness that raised an answering lust. I named the combination love and proceeded to endow her with every virtue. Nor did I believe any hint that reality was otherwise, letting even the most vicious rumors pass me like the wind.”

Caroline gritted her teeth and managed to retain her calm countenance. But her stomach churned at his words.

“Her betrothal tumbled me into that lengthy debauch I described to you once before and ultimately led to our marriage.”  He paused in thought, pacing the room with restless energy, no longer able to look her in the eye. The easy part was done, for the remainder followed their marriage. He had wronged her more than she knew. But finding the words was nigh unto impossible. How could he confess his guilt without further hurting her? 

His voice reflected his uncertainty, no longer exuding his natural charm. “We started rather well until I discovered your artistry on the pianoforte. Clearly you were more accomplished than Alicia, but my befogged mind could not accept that anything about her was less than perfect. I seem to have spent the intervening months in a state of continuous irritation because of that disreputable idea. For you excel in so many ways. Each new realization hurt. Yet I could not admit that I was wasting myself on someone so unworthy.”

Caroline’s heart broke at his anguish, knowing how difficult this recital was for him. But at the same time, hope surged. Her eyes softened as she gazed at the face she loved so dearly. He did not note the change, still unable to look at her.

“I have also been suffused with guilt. For while at Graystone, I succumbed to her seduction one night and took her to bed.”  His voice choked at the memory. “I have hated myself ever since for so dishonoring our marriage.”

“But you owed me nothing,” broke in Caroline in a puzzled voice. “I never expected fidelity.”

He smiled grimly. “You hold yourself low then. I gave my word to you and to God, and I do not hold my word lightly. But I swear to you that the lapse in honor occurred only that once. The past weeks have been wrenching. I know I have always had difficulty admitting mistakes. But each day you revealed new truths to my disbelieving eyes that my heart accepted but my brain did not. It became more and more difficult to ignore what everyone else in town already knew – that the object of my insane obsession was the lowest kind of slut. I began to realize the truth that day she asked me to appraise her horses. What she really wanted was to seduce me.”

“I know. I saw her intimate greeting at the door. As did Lady Sefton. Fortunately, I convinced Lady Beatrice that you were merely pricing horses.”

He slanted a surprised glance in her direction. “Did you indeed?  Why?”

She shrugged. “Your family did not need more scandal. Nor did you, for that matter.”

“Too true, I fear. I repulsed her advances that day. She was furious. I think that was when I finally began to believe that the rumors were true, though, God help me, I fought the conclusion long enough afterwards. And put you in danger through my own willfulness. I’ll not forgive myself soon for that.”

“It is over. Don’t burden yourself with excessive blame.”

“Drew was right. I don’t deserve you. He sends you his love, by the way.”

It was Caroline’s turn to raise a surprised brow. Had Drew been meddling?  But Thomas did not appear angry.

“Those accusations I threw at your head were based on nothing more than jealousy,” he admitted wryly. “I did not know until yesterday that he was your cousin.”

Caroline glared at him. “You
have
been living in another world, haven’t you?  All Mayfair knows that, Thomas!  Your parents, Emily, Uncle William, and Drew jointly presented me to society, making clear their combined sponsorship. They provided me an entree into every fashionable circle. I love Drew dearly, in the same way I love my brother Peter. But Drew has the advantage of being older and part of the
ton
and thus able to advise me. George and Jeremy understand our relationship. Why did they not set you straight?”  She knew why, of course. Thomas had never asked. He judged, then accepted his judgment as the truth.

Thomas was unsurprised at his friends’ reticence. He was beginning to detect a pattern of omission and praise designed to fan his jealousy and turn his attentions to Caroline. How many others had plotted in the same way?  His parents?  Sisters?  Servants?  Caroline herself?  But here he shot wide of the mark, he knew. She had done nothing to feed the jealousy and anger.

But it was time to put their future to the test. Nor would he cloud the issue with charm. No longer fighting to hide his pain, he turned his eyes toward his wife.

“I’ve been a fool, chasing rainbows all this time when I already held the pot of gold. Can you ever forgive me?”

Caroline rose to lay a hand on his arm. “There is nothing to forgive, Thomas. You owed me nothing and made me no promises.”

“I would do so now if you will allow it, my dear,” he whispered, drawing her into his arms. “I love you, Caroline. I love your calm good sense, your intelligence, and your sunny disposition. The night Robert died would have been far worse without your comfort and understanding. Can we at least be friends, as we so nearly became in the beginning?  Perhaps one day I can earn more regard from you, but I so badly want your friendship.”

“There is no
perhaps
about it, for I love you already,” she admitted with a smile. “But friendship would make me very happy indeed. Without it, love offers only empty pain.”

His arms tightened convulsively as his mouth lowered to hers, parting her lips, his tongue plundering hers with the desperation of a starving man falling on a feast. And she returned his fervor. It had been so long... Passion flared, enhanced by a mutual exultation that they had indeed been given a second chance.

“Will you return to Crawley with me, Caro?” he begged raggedly. “Dawson is waiting for you there. She decided to stay in your service.”

Her eyes lit up, reflecting her brilliant smile. His heart turned over at the sight. “Of course. I never intended to stay away. I needed time to consider the future in peace, and I thought Father could help. But it would be unfair if your heir was born anywhere but Crawley.”

As her last words registered, Thomas’s eyes filled with tears. “Oh, God, Caro. Are you sure?”

“Reasonably, my love.”

Another penetrating kiss sent fires raging through both. “Where is this room you booked?” he asked huskily some minutes later, pulling her dress loosely over her bared breasts while he trailed fiery kisses up her throat to nibble on an ear. “We have much to celebrate.”

Caroline’s brown eyes glowed as she led him from the parlor.

Thank you, Lord, for offering a new beginning...

Copyright © 1996 by Susan Ann Pace

Originally published by Signet Regency (0451186664)

Electronically published in 2005 by Belgrave House/Regency Reads

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This is a work of fiction. All names in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to any person living or dead is coincidental.