The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (4 page)

FELICITY
: You don’t have to say any more——

SIMON
: Oh, I didn’t want to hurt you——

FELICITY
: Of all the nerve!

SIMON
: Well, I——

FELICITY
: You philandering coward——

SIMON
: Let me explain——

FELICITY
: This is hardly the time and place—you think you can barge in anywhere, whatever I happen to be doing——

SIMON
: But I want you to know that my admiration for you is
sincere—I don’t want you to think that I didn’t mean those things I said——

FELICITY
: I’ll kill you for this, Simon Gascoyne!
(
She leaves in tears, passing
MRS. DRUDGE
who has entered in time to overhear her last remark
.)

MOON
: It was her.

BIRDBOOT
: I told you—straight to the top——

MOON
: No, no——

BIRDBOOT
: Sssh....

SIMON
(
to
MRS. DRUDGE
): Yes, what is it?

MRS. DRUDGE
: I have come to set up the card table, sir.

SIMON
: I don’t think I can stay.

MRS. DRUDGE
: Oh, Lady Muldoon
will
be disappointed.

SIMON
: Does she know I’m here?

MRS. DRUDGE
: Oh yes, sir, I just told her and it put her in quite a tizzy.

SIMON
: Really?... Well, I suppose now that I’ve cleared the air … Quite a tizzy, you say... really... really...
(
He and
MRS. DRUDGE
start setting up for card game
.
MRS. DRUDGE
leaves when this is done
.)

MOON
: Felicity!—she’s the one.

BIRDBOOT
: Nonsense—red herring.

MOON
: I mean, it was
her!

BIRDBOOT
(
exasperated
):
What
was?

MOON
: That lady I saw you with last night!

BIRDBOOT
(
inhales with fury
): Are you suggesting that a man of my scrupulous integrity would trade his pen for a mess of potage?! Simply because in the course of my profession I happen to have struck up an acquaintance—to have, that is, a warm regard, if you like, for a fellow toiler in the vineyard of greasepaint—I find it simply intolerable to be
pillified and villoried——

MOON
: I never implied——

BIRDBOOT
:—to find myself the object of uninformed malice, the petty slanders of little men——

MOON
: I’m sorry——

BIRDBOOT
:—to suggest that my good opinion in a journal of
unimpeachable integrity is at the disposal of the first coquette who gives me what I want——

MOON
: Sssssh——

BIRDBOOT
: A ladies’ man!... Why, Myrtle and I have been together now for—Christ!—who’s
that?
(Enter
LADY CYNTHIA MULDOON
through french windows. A beautiful woman in her thirties. She wears a cocktail dress, is formally coiffured, and carries a tennis racket.)
(Her effect on
BIRDBOOT
is also impressive. He half rises and sinks back agape
.)

CYNTHIA
(
entering
): Simon!
(
A dramatic freeze between her and
SIMON
.)

MOON
: Lady Muldoon.

BIRDBOOT
: No, I mean—who
is
she?

SIMON
(
coming forward
): Cynthia!

CYNTHIA
: Don’t say anything for a moment—just hold me.
(
He seizes her and glues his lips to hers, as they say. While their lips are glued——
)

BIRDBOOT
: She’s
beautiful
—a vision of eternal grace, a poem...

MOON
: I think she’s got her mouth open.
(
CYNTHIA
breaks away dramatically
.)

CYNTHIA
: We can’t go on meeting like this!

SIMON
: We have nothing to be ashamed of!

CYNTHIA
: But darling, this is madness!

SIMON
: Yes!—I am mad with love for you!

CYNTHIA
: Please—remember where we are!

SIMON
: Cynthia, I love you!

CYNTHIA
: Don’t—I love Albert!

SIMON
: He’s dead!(
Shaking her
.) Do you understand me—Albert’s dead!

CYNTHIA
: No—I’ll never give up hope! Let me go! We are not free!

SIMON
: I don’t care, we were meant for each other—had we but met in time.

CYNTHIA
: You’re a cad, Simon! You will use me and cast me aside as you have cast aside so many others.

SIMON
: No, Cynthia!—you can make me a better person!

CYNTHIA
: You’re ruthless—so strong, so cruel——
(
Ruthlessly he kisses her
.)

MOON
: The son she never had, now projected in this handsome stranger and transformed into lover—youth, vigour, the animal, the athlete as aesthete—breaking down the barriers at the deepest level of desire.

BIRDBOOT
: By jove, I think you’re right. Her mouth
is
open.
(
CYNTHIA
breaks away
. M
RS. DRUDGE
has entered
.)

CYNTHIA
. Stop—can’t you see you’re making a fool of yourself!

SIMON
: I’ll kill anyone who comes between us!

CYNTHIA
: Yes, what is it, Mrs. Drudge?

MRS. DRUDGE
: Should I close the windows, my lady? The fog is beginning to roll off the sea like a deadly——

CYNTHIA
: Yes, you’d better. It looks as if we’re in for one of those days. Are the cards ready?

MRS. DRUDGE
: Yes, my lady.

CYNTHIA
: Would you tell Miss Cunningham we are waiting.

MRS. DRUDGE
: Yes, my lady.

CYNTHIA
: And fetch the Major down.

MRS. DRUDGE
: I think I hear him coming downstairs now (
as she leaves).
(She does: the sound of a wheelchair approaching down several flights of stairs with landings in between. It arrives bearing
MAGNUS
at about 15 m.p.h., knocking
SIMON
over violently
.)

CYNTHIA
: Simon!

MAGNUS
(
roaring
): Never had a chance! Ran under the wheels!

CYNTHIA
: Darling, are you all right?

MAGNUS
: I have witnesses!

CYNTHIA
: Oh, Simon—say something!

SIMON
(
sitting up suddenly
): I’m most frightfully sorry.

MAGNUS
(
shouting yet
): How long have you been a pedestrian?

SIMON
: Ever since I could walk.

CYNTHIA
: Can you walk now …?
(
SIMON
rises and walks
.)
Thank God! Magnus, this is Simon Gascoyne.

MAGNUS
: What’s he doing here?

CYNTHIA
: He just turned up.

MAGNUS
: Really? How do you like it here?

SIMON
(
to
CYNTHIA
): I could stay for ever.
(
FELICITY
enters
.)

FELICITY
: So—
you’re
still here.

CYNTHIA
: Of course he’s still here. We’re going to play cards. There’s no need to introduce you two, is there, for I recall now that you, Simon, met me through Felicity, our mutual friend.

FELICITY
: Yes, Simon is an old friend, though not as old as you, Cynthia dear.

SIMON
: Yes, I haven’t seen Felicity since——

FELICITY
: Last night.

CYNTHIA
: Indeed? Well, you deal, Felicity. Simon, you help me with the sofa. Will you partner Felicity, Magnus, against Simon and me?

MAGNUS
(
aside
): Will Simon and you always be partnered against me, Cynthia?

CYNTHIA
: What do you mean, Magnus?

MAGNUS
: You are a damned attractive woman, Cynthia.

CYNTHIA
: Please! Please! Remember Albert!

MAGNUS
: Albert’s dead, Cynthia—and you are still young. I’m sure he would have wished that you and I——

CYNTHIA
: No, Magnus, this is not to be!

MAGNUS
: It’s Gascoyne, isn’t it? I’ll kill him if he comes between us!

CYNTHIA
(
calling
): Simon!
(
The sofa is shoved towards the card table, once more revealing the corpse, though not to the players
.)

BIRDBOOT
: Simon’s for the chop all right.

CYNTHIA
: Right! Who starts?

MAGNUS
: I do. No bid.

CYNTHIA
: Did I hear you say you saw Felicity last night, Simon?

SIMON
: Did I?—Ah yes, yes, quite—your turn, Felicity.

FELICITY
: I’ve had my turn, haven’t I, Simon?—now, it seems, it’s Cynthia’s turn.

CYNTHIA
: That’s my trick, Felicity dear.

FELICITY
: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, Simon.

SIMON
: Yes, I’ve heard it said.

FELICITY
: So I hope you have not been cheating, Simon.

SIMON
(
standing up and throwing down his cards
): No, Felicity, it’s just that I hold the cards!

CYNTHIA
: Well done, Simon!
(
MAGNUS
pays
SIMON
,
while
CYNTHIA
deals
)

FELICITY
: Strange how Simon appeared in the neighbourhood from nowhere. We know so little about him.

SIMON
: It doesn’t always pay to show your hand!

CYNTHIA
: Right! Simon, it’s your opening on the minor bid. (
SIMON
plays
.)

CYNTHIA
: Hm, let’s see.... (
Plays
.)

FELICITY
: I hear there’s a dangerous madman on the loose.

CYNTHIA
: Simon?

SIMON
: Yes—yes—sorry. (
Plays
.)

CYNTHIA
: I meld.

FELICITY
: Yes—personally, I think he’s been hiding out in the
deserted cottage (
plays
) on the cliffs.

SIMON
: Flush!

CYNTHIA
: No! Simon—your luck’s in tonight!