The Reason I Stay (21 page)

But I need her.

I need her goodness to rub off on me and change me, and bring me back to the little kid I used to be, the one who still had a mother and moral compass. The one who slept under the stars, and played with dogs, and was happy the way I’m happy when I’m with Lexie.

So maybe I’m still selfish, but I won’t be toward her. I’ll be my best self with her, which is why a cold wave of dread travels down my spine when she stops walking, disentangles herself from around me, and turns to look at my face.

“See, that’s why I hate talking about the past. I made things too heavy and ruined this thing, right?”

I hate the worried frown on her face. I hate even more that she thinks it’s because of her. It’s because of me. But I will not, under any circumstances, tell her about that. If she knows who I really am, how bad I really am, how similar to the things she hates the most, she’d bolt in a second, and that can’t happen. I can’t lose her, so I show her that.

Slowly, I shake my head and raise both my hands to the only face that has ever made me lose my breath. I remove a few tresses that the night’s breeze blew over her face, and lock them behind her ear. Lexie’s amazing green eyes are fixed on mine, her lips are partially open, and I marvel at her beauty. She’s so pretty it’s unfair to all other women, who can’t help looking ugly when compared to her.

I run my fingertips down the soft skin of her cheek and jaw until I reach her neck. Her head lulls to the side when I nest my fingers in her hair at the nape of her neck. My other hand traces a line that connects her face to her shoulder and arm, until it finally reaches her waist. I hold her tight and take a step closer. Her eyes flutter, but don’t close.

“You couldn’t ruin this if you tried, Lexie,” I whisper.

She takes one of those deep breaths through her parted lips that drive me crazy, and this time I don’t hold back. Without notice or permission, I kiss her.

My greedy lips taste her upper and lower lips separately, and realize that the little previews I had of her mouth did it no justice. Her lips are softer and sweeter than I could even imagine, and I’m one hundred percent addicted.

Suddenly, both her hands are on me, one on my lower back, playing with the hem of my T-shirt and driving me fucking crazy, and the other fisting my hair, tugging a little and giving me goosebumps, which also drive me fucking crazy. I swipe my tongue across the space between her lips, and they open willingly to me.

Lexie’s breath gets faster and more urgent as my tongue enters her mouth and meets hers. She kisses me back with the same passion and urgency I recognize in myself. My hands can no longer stand still. They travel through her hair and over her body, neck and face in a desperate need to feel her, have her, and she lets me. She wants me.

My whole body awakens and responds to every swipe of her tongue, every bite of her teeth, every movement of her body and lips.

Completely taken by desire, my hands follow their familiar pattern, and dip down to grab her ass. The moment my fingers curl, pooling the fabric of her dress and perfectly round muscle in my palms, she bites my lower lip and shakes her head, drawing a line. For the first time in my life, I abide by it and instantly let go, returning my hand to her lower back. We continue to kiss and feel each other by her rules for long enough to make my dick hurt, begging for relief I know I’m not getting tonight.

When the kiss ends, I open my eyes to look at Lexie. Her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are still closed. She pulls her full lower lip inside her mouth. Her cheeks contract in a sucking motion, and I’m jealous of her. I’m jealous that she gets to keep her lips, and I don’t. I want them back, but I’m also thoroughly enjoying the show.

I nuzzle her neck, and the scent of honey and vanilla fill my lungs. “Sucking that lip is my job.”

She smiles. “Not when it tastes like you. Then it’s mine.”

If I were to pick a soundtrack for me at this moment, it would be AC/DC’s “Hard as a Rock”.
Fucking goddamned shit!

I pull her closer, and kiss her chin. “What are you doing to me?”

“Hopefully the same that you’re doing to me,” she retorts.

And I kiss her again. I kiss her deep and hard, and with more passion than I’ve ever kissed anyone in my life. This time, when we stop kissing I mimic her and fold my lip inside my mouth, hoping to taste a bit more of her. Her taste is there, but in all honesty, I prefer the real thing.

“Say that this is a date,” I ask—or, depending on the point of view, beg.

Like a bucket of cold water, she shakes her head. “No . . . not today . . . Today is a test-drive, not a date.”

I sigh, and bring my forehead to hers. “Why, Lexie? Why can’t today be a date?” She takes a deep breath and shakes her head again. I bring one of my hands to my head and rake my fingers through my hair. “Why do you keep resisting?”

Her eyes pop open, wide and nearly black from her dilated pupils. “Because I’m not sure we should date. My life is here. In Jolene, a small, Podunk town in Alabama that is worlds away from your life. It’s not realistic that you’d ever stay here and . . . and, I have Kodee. I won’t leave her, just like my uncle didn’t leave me.”

She takes a deep breath and I open my mouth to reply, but she places her index fingers over my lips and continues. “Also, I don’t like casual, and you don’t do relationships, which means that whatever this is that could happen between us has heartbreak written all over it.”

Even though there’s absolutely nothing funny in what she just said, it makes me chuckle. She looks at me curiously, and I kiss her index before removing it from my lips so I can explain.

“I’m not asking you to leave—I’d never do that. I admire the love and commitment you have for Kodee, and I’d never take that away. Besides, as weird as it sounds, Jolene is growing on me, and I’m beginning to realize that I don’t have anything in Seattle worth returning to.”

I run my fingers through her cheek and fill my lungs with the intoxicating yet kind of stale smell of seaweed. “As for relationships, yes, I’ve never done them. But I’m the one asking, begging for a date, while you’re just being sexy and kissing me on the side.” A shy smile makes an appearance, tempting me to kiss her again. I don’t, because this conversation is important. “So as far as I know,
my
heart is the only one in line to be broken, and as crazy as it seems, I want to risk it. I really do, Lexie.

“I want it because I want to take you on dates, and learn how to do all that relationship shit with you.” She laughs, and I think I see her eyes glistening with tears. I hope they are good ones, but just in case, I explain, “I want that because you change me. Every second we’re together, you reach inside me and erase a bit of the guy I used to be. Every second you turn me into this new man, with feelings, a sense of responsibility, a fucking conscience, and all this sappy shit I keep thinking and saying to you. And the worst part is that I like it. I like it more than I like Greta and Jack Daniels. I like it like I like you, and I really
like
you.”

She giggles, and the sound warms me from the inside. “That’s a lot of like in one sentence.”

“Well, it’s too early for the other word, so we’ll just overuse like for a while.”

She laughs again, and I kiss her and she kisses me back, and I laugh as well.

“Okay,” she says against my lips.

I pull my head back to look at her, a quirked brow on my face. With a shrug of her shoulders she explains, “Today was a date.”

I can see that she’s suppressing the smile threatening to break free, and so I mimic her.

“And we’ll have another tomorrow?”

Lexie narrows her eyes, and nods.

The smuggest smile I’ve ever had in my life curls on my lips. “Awesome. We’ll be half naked by Sunday night.”

Her geeky laugh blasts through the night, and finally, I bring my lips to hers, and appreciate them in a whole new way.

I
t takes a while for the back and forth of kissing to come to an end.

That dreaded moment happens when Lexie starts yawning compulsively, making me realize that she didn’t sleep a wink last night, and is probably extremely tired. Reluctantly, I suggest that she should go home to sleep.

She points her nose towards a really small, white wooden cabin a few yards from us. The house sits on a wide lot filled with trees and rose bushes at the very end of the beach. A screened porch faces the ocean, its three steps leading straight to the sand. The house looks like a tiny piece of paradise.

Lexie and I walk hand in hand toward it. She tells me that Greg bought that house for them the summer after her mother left, and that when she turned twenty-one he gifted it to her.

We finalize our plans for tomorrow as we enter the screened porch. I look around and wait as she fishes inside her bag for her keys. The comfortable outside living area is decorated with a white porch swing, a small round table with four chairs, and a wooden cabinet. Once she finds her keys, we reluctantly say good night, kiss a few more times, and then she walks inside and closes the door, leaving me wide-awake and missing her already.

God, I’m a freaking girl!
Though alarming, that thought alone isn’t enough to make me go back to the hotel. Tonight has been a big night for me, and not only because I just started my first ever relationship after one date—it was a big night because I finally reached the peak of my soul searching, and I need a little more time around Lexie to process it all.

However, I’m aware that staying on her porch after we’ve said goodbye is creepy. So, I turn around, and relocate to the sand right in front of the steps. The beach is technically public space, after all.

I lie down on the fluffy sand and look at the moon the way I used to do when I was a kid. It’s kind of amazing that even after so much time I can still find and name a bunch of constellations, and the moon’s craters. As strange as it sounds, it makes me feel like myself for the first time in eight years. It also makes me want to at least try to right my wrongs, so I pull my phone from my pocket, open the email app and start typing.

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Date: 11:53pm, June 29
th
, 2014

Subject: Please read.

Lea,

I know that after such a long time this email is strange at best, and unwelcome at worst. But I’ve thought a lot about you today, and I need to say that I’m sorry.

I’m so very sorry, and not only about the accident—though I’m awfully sorry about that. It was my fault, and I’ve handled that like shit. Or didn’t handle it at all, since I just allowed my father to shove money down your throat, the way he always does to fix my shit, as I ran to save my own ass. I was a coward, and you deserved better than what I gave you.

From the bottom of my heart, I hope you find a man who sees the wonderful woman you are, a man who appreciates you the way I never did. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Sincerely,

Matty

I press send, curl my fingers around the device and bring it up to my chest. I let out a deep breath and watch the stars for a while longer. I listen to the relaxing symphony of waves, thinking about Lexie, and trying to finally forget about Lea, before walking back to the inn.