The Record of the Saints Caliber (89 page)

Nuriel looked down and shook her head. “You don’t understand.”

“No, I suppose I wouldn’t.” said Karinael. “My ideas of the Saints Caliber end with our dreams. We used to sit right there by that window, laughing and talking for hours about what it would be like to go out into the world. We’d talk about how nice it would be to get away from Sanctuary and all the jerks and bullies like Geil we’re forced to live with. Do you know how many times you’d be down there, in that very court, and I’d watch you training to fight as I sat in here washing manure from the stables off my gown? So yeah, I guess I don’t understand what it’s like to live a dream. You’ve been out there less than a year, and already I hear the stories of how you’ve killed Infernals and Unbounds. Do you know how many Saints are out there their entire lives and don’t accomplish that much? We used to sit here talking about the old tales and legends, and you’re out there doing it, Nuriel, while I’m still here, hoping and dreaming that I can join you, but knowing deep down that I never will.”

Karinael turned her head and Nuriel could hear her sniffle. “But thanks for telling me that I’m ‘better off here’. It makes it so much easier, you know?”

Nuriel turned and looked out the window again, leaning on the sill. She wanted to tell Karinael what being a Saints Caliber was really about, how they weren’t out there looking for demons, but were instead fulfilling the wishes of arrogant, malicious Kings and nobles. Nuriel rubbed her face. It was a world she’d be going right back into, unless of course Holy Father would grant her Eremiticy. But that was a long shot, and Nuriel didn’t dare dream it. No, after tomorrow she’d be right back out there. Back to slaughtering helpless villagers because they needed food and tried to fight back. She’d be back to fulfilling the wishes of kings and nobles; back to dealing with bitches like Tia and assholes like Gamalael. Well, at least she’d learned how to deal with the bitches and assholes. They had to be dealt with like she had done to Geil and Chaniel. But the burning of people? The burning of children? She’d have to deal with all that again.

Nuriel held her head in her hands. She just couldn’t deal with it right now.

Nuriel opened up her leather hip-sack and pulled out her folio. She set it on the windowsill and took out the vial of Ev and injector.

“W-What is that?” asked Karinael.

Nuriel was startled. She hadn’t even realized what she had been doing. She bit her lip, and without turning around, went back to what she was doing. She picked up the injector. “It’s Evanescence,” she said. “We just call it Ev out in the field. It helps take the edge off.”

Nuriel could feel her friend’s disapproving eyes on her back as she dipped the injector into the clear liquid and took some up. A full dose this time. She set it down and took off her bracer and began rolling up her sleeve.

“What are you doing?” snapped Karinael with some disgust. She ran over and put her hand on Nuriel’s arm. “Don’t do that!”

Nuriel scowled at her. “You want to be Saints Caliber, right? Well, this is what we do.” Nuriel tore her arm away from Karinael and placed the needle to her flesh.

“What’s wrong with you?!” Karinael knocked the injector out of Nuriel’s hand and it went flying across the room. She looked at Nuriel, her brow furled.

“As a Saints Caliber we see things.” said Nuriel. She stormed across the room and picked up her injector. “We have to
do
things.”

“Do things like break the arms of fellow Saints?” asked Karinael with revulsion. “Do things like take drugs?”

“Like I said,” said Nuriel, turning away from her. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Karinael grabbed Nuriel and turned her around. “Tell me what’s wrong. Don’t shut me out. We’re friends.”

Nuriel shook her head. “No. No. I…I can’t.”

“Nuriel, please,” said Karinael. Nuriel felt Karinael’s warm hand touch her cheek. “Please, tell me what’s going on. We’re friends, right? We’re like sisters. You can tell me anything. Whatever you’re going through, I’m here for you, but you have to tell me.”

Nuriel looked at Karinael. Her lips began trembling and she felt hot tears welling in her eyes. “I’ve…I’ve done so many bad things…” Nuriel stopped herself. The pleasant memories of Karinael were mingling with the terrible realities of today. She couldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t tell Karinael any more. Nuriel buried her head in her hands. She couldn’t help it, tears flowed through her fingers and her body was wracked with sobs.

“Come on, tell me about it.” said Karinael, taking her by the arm. “Sit down and tell me what’s going on.”

Nuriel tore herself from Karinael’s grip. Her face was red and streaming with tears. She tried to fix her eyes on Karinael and shook her head. “You don’t understand. I…I can’t. It’s…It’s not safe. I’ve already said too much.” Nuriel packed up her Ev folio and shoved it back in her purse. “I have to go.”

“What?! No!” said Karinael, grabbing Nuriel by the arm. “Talk to me.
Please.
”

“I’ll come see you tomorrow.” said Nuriel, steeling herself and forcing her tears away. “I’ll come by before I leave to see Holy Father.”

“Please,” begged Karinael. “Don’t do this. Don’t shut me out.”

Nuriel turned and looked at Karinael. She touched her cheek. “I…I just need some time. I’ll come by tomorrow morning. First thing. I promise.”

“Are…Are you sure?”

Nuriel nodded but said nothing. She wiped at her eyes and walked over to the door.

“You can stay here,” said Karinael, practically pleading. “Just stay the night here.”

“I can’t.” said Nuriel. She wiped at her eyes and sniffled. “I’ll come by tomorrow. I promise.”

“Well, at least tell me where you’re going.” said Karinael.

“I’ll sleep at the barracks.” said Nuriel, sniffing. “The one where visiting Saints Caliber stay. I just need some time.”

Karinael frowned. Her eyes glanced at Nuriel’s hip-sack. “Well…ok. Promise you’ll come here first thing in the morning?”

“I swear on Aeoria’s star.” said Nuriel, forcing a smile. She leaned in and gave Karinael a brief hug. Then she turned and left.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Nuriel hadn’t slept but maybe an hour. It wasn’t that the barracks were uncomfortable. To the contrary, the bed was nicer than Nuriel had slept in since she left Sanctuary and the entire building was absolutely silent in its desolation. Typically there would be a handful of visiting Saints back from the field at any given time, but at least on that night, Nuriel was the sole occupant. Perhaps it was all for the best anyway. Nuriel hadn’t been in the mood for idle chat, and most of the night had been spent in tears, so much that by dawn’s first light, she was certain she had no more to give.

She sat up in bed. She had an audience with Admael in just a few hours and she had promised to meet Karinael first. Her mind was once again racing with thoughts and fears. She had been determined not to take any more Ev after midnight so that she could be clean and completely herself when she met Admael. But now, with everything lurking just hours away, it all seemed too much. She sniffed and looked at her folio. She took out her injector and loaded it with a full dose.

The barracks provided nice, warm showers and Nuriel took her time enjoying their pleasant solitude. Like rain, she let the steaming water caress her face and it pattered on her breastplate. Her mind, at least for now, was as empty and as silent as the barracks. She let the Ev wash her mind of care as thoroughly as the waters washed her body. By the time she had gotten back into her outfit and her armor, the morning sun was streaming through the windows of the barracks. After taking one last deep breath in the desolate stillness of her room, she headed out the door.

Sunlight hit her hard and she had to take a moment to raise her hand to her eyes. It was a cloudless morning and the sky was an endless expanse of blue in all directions. The sun was a blazing sphere of yellow and cast the ivory buildings and towers in its drowsy light. To her surprise, Karinael was running down the street toward her. At first Nuriel wasn’t sure it was her, but as she neared and passed into the shadow of a tower where the sunlight could not overpower Nuriel’s vision, those sparkling amber eyes and hair became unmistakable. She was in her white bodysuit and steel breastplate with bracers on her arms and legs. Her steel boots chimed on the star-metal road as she came running, and Nuriel noticed that she gripped a document in her hand.

“Nuriel!” she yelled as she came sprinting up. Nuriel braced herself as her friend bowled into her, throwing her arms around her. “Nuriel!” she exclaimed again, her voice quavering. She pulled back and Nuriel could see tears streaming down her face. “Nuriel! I…I don’t know what to say!”

Nuriel’s mind flopped over a few times. There was a part of her that was screaming at her that something was wrong. Nuriel rubbed her eyes, focusing on the warmth of the Ev. Her eyes went to the paper that Karinael clutched in her hand. “What’s going on?”

Karinael’s hands trembled as she unfurled the document and held it up to Nuriel. She could hardly get her eyes focused on it, Karinael’s hands were shaking so badly. Still, the document was unmistakable. Nuriel herself had received the same thing less than a year ago. Amidst the unintelligible scrawls of writing, two things were quite clear. At the bottom of the page was the unmistakable signature of Holy Father followed by his own stellaglyph that looked like a crowned star. And at the center of the page, drawn large and bold, was Karinael’s stellaglyph in blood-red ink with a halo above it. There was only one time in a Saint’s life when they received a document with their stellaglyph in red with a halo drawn above it. Karinael had received her Call to Guard. She was being made a Saints Caliber.

Karinael threw her arms around Nuriel again. “Stars above, Nuriel, how can I ever thank you?”

Nuriel placed her arms around her friend, not quite able to wrap her mind around anything yet.

“I’m so sorry about last night.” said Karinael, burying her head into Nuriel’s neck. Nuriel could feel her warm tears. “I hadn’t realized what you had done for me. I’m sorry, and I don’t know how to thank you.”

Nuriel just stood there in her friend’s embrace, not saying anything. Her mind flopped for answers.

Karinael pulled back and wiped at her eyes and sniffled. She looked Nuriel in the eyes. “I…I don’t know how to thank you. They delivered my Call to Guard to me this morning. They said that yesterday you recommended me to Holy Father. Nuriel… I…I don’t know what to say to you…” She laughed despite her tears.

Nuriel forced a faint smile. She was legitimately happy to see her friend this overcome with joy, but even through the Ev, guilt and fear stripped any pleasure from this that Nuriel might feel. Deep down, Nuriel knew she had signed her friend over to death. Karinael didn’t have a strong enough Caliber to last a year out in the field. She likely didn’t even have the Caliber to don the Star-Armor. She’d put it on and immediately be consumed by it. Nuriel knew from her own experience the toll taken from donning Star-Armor for the first time. Nothing can prepare a Saint for it, and very few realize exactly how strong they have to shine their Caliber just to withstand it those first few days. It was one of the reasons only the most powerful of Templars ever moved on to Saints Caliber. Karinael’s Call to Guard was meant to be a death sentence. And Nuriel herself had given it.

“Say something…” said Karinael, sniffing.

But Nuriel couldn’t. She leaned in and embraced Karinael, hugging her tight.

“Nuriel,” whispered Karinael softly. “You’re scaring me. Please say something.”

Nuriel felt her heart drop into her stomach. She bit her lip and her hands balled into fists on Karinael’s back. She closed her eyes and felt some tears fall. She wanted to say something of comfort to her friend, but she couldn’t. Everything she wanted to say—it’ll be ok; I’ll be here for you; don’t worry; you’ll do fine—it all sounded fake. It all
was
fake, and she knew it. And if she said it aloud, Karinael would know it too.

“Nuriel,” whispered Karinael, still in Nuriel’s arms, resting her cheek on Nuriel’s shoulder. Her fingers traced over Nuriel’s black breastplate. “I won’t be able to wear the Star-Armor, will I?”

Nuriel bit her lip. She couldn’t open her eyes. She felt another tear fall off her cheek, but this one was not for Karinael, it was for herself. There might be a way for Karinael to survive the armor, but Nuriel would have to sacrifice everything she wanted.

“Please say something to me.” whispered Karinael.

Nuriel put her hand on the back of Karinael’s head. Then she said softly, “You’re going to put it on, and you’re going to be fine.”

Karinael sniffled and pulled back from Nuriel. Her amber eyes glistened with tears. “I want you to know, that even if I can’t wear the armor, you’ve made me happy. Even if it kills me, you’ve made me happy. You’ve made my dream come true. Even if my Caliber isn’t strong enough for the armor, at least I’ll die knowing that we both saw our dream, even if mine was just for a moment.”

Nuriel put her hands over her face. She tried not to cry, but tears fell anyway.

Karinael moved Nuriel’s hands down. “Hey,” she said, looking at her, but all Nuriel could see was a blur of amber eyes and hair through her tears. “I mean it. No matter what, you’ve made me happier than I’ve been since you left. I…I don’t want to be here without you anymore. There’s nothing left for me here, just a lifetime of dealing with people like Geil. No matter what, I’ll be happy now.”