The Redeemer (14 page)

‘You could have told me,’ she said firmly, snatching up another can.

‘I’ve apologised and explained that. I didn’t expect anything meaningful to develop between us. When it did, it was too late.’ Xander raked his fingers through his hair, another sign of his growing frustration.

‘That’s funny, Jamie said something similar about Miss Big Tits when I confronted him. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was harmless flirting. It didn’t mean anything. The next thing you know, it’s been going on for months.’

‘My situation was different,’ he snapped, before continuing more calmly. ‘Janine and I were done but I couldn’t tell her that I knew she’d cheated on me. God knows I wanted to. I wanted her gone from my life but I refused to risk her unborn child being harmed in the crossfire. I should have waited; I’ve held my hands up to that. From the first moment I touched you, I knew. It was too late and I’d blown it but I needed you, Red. I needed you more than you’ll ever know.’

‘And I needed you to tell me the truth but you didn’t.’

‘For fuck’s sake, Red. Don’t you think I don’t know that? But there was so much going on inside my head. Some days I came so close to telling Janine that I knew and I was leaving her. I stood right in front of her with the words on my tongue. More than once I’ve thrown clothes into a suitcase but I pictured that poor foetus, growing inside her and backed down. Do you know what? I began to carry around the scan photo of her bastard child in my wallet. Yeah, how fucking sick is that? I carried around an image of another man’s child that was growing inside my wife so that it reminded me that there was someone else in all this . . . someone innocent and vulnerable . . . that’s what stopped me confronting her. Someone that didn’t deserve to be hurt by all the crap that it didn’t deserve to be being born into.

‘I was living a lie – it was a living, fucking nightmare. I’d been existing from day to day, my only purpose in life was to be prepared for the day when she went into labour. That was all that stopped me from going under and, some days, I questioned whether it was worth it but then I’d think of that cheating, scheming bitch getting her hands on all that I’ve worked for, after she’d leeched so much from me already and I’m not talking just money. She’d taken my trust and my pride. But other days, I was so consumed with hatred and betrayal that I felt like walking away, but I couldn’t risk the baby. I began to think that maybe my mother had got it right after all and that settling down wasn’t worth it. My home felt like a prison. My self-respect was on the verge of deserting me.

‘And then you walked into my life and awakened something inside me. Sure, at the time, I thought it was purely a sexual awakening but I later realised that it was more than that. It was hope. And I clung to it like a drowning man clings to a life raft in a raging storm. You were the lifeboat and to tell you everything would have meant risking letting go of my life raft without knowing whether the lifeboat would hang around to save me. And trust me, Red, by then I was tired and the water was lapping above my mouth. I couldn’t risk it.’

‘If you’d told me, I might have lifted you clean out of the water and kept you safe,’ she whispered.

‘My head was fucked. All I knew was I daren’t risk it. I couldn’t. I couldn’t think clearly . . . all I could think of was clinging on.’

‘You thought you were clinging on but you were pushing me away.’

Xander gave sound that was half sigh and half growl. ‘This is getting us nowhere.’ He strode over to the door, yanked it open and stepped outside. Before it closed, his head appeared.

‘Ask yourself this, Red. If we were together, if you could find it within yourself to forgive me for not waiting, do you think I’d ever cheat on you? Because I haven’t. Since I met you, my heart has been with you. Firmly and faithfully. No, don’t answer it now, give it some proper, deep, unbiased consideration when your head’s clearer.

‘Because if you don’t trust me, I’m wasting my time. We’d be over in no time anyway, regardless of whether I could keep my cock in my underpants because you’d tear us apart, always questioning my motives, my movements, my answers . . . and I’ve been through enough and so have you. I’m not going to put either of us through that. You forget that I know what it’s like to be cheated on. That sick feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach when you first suspect them but you think you must be mistaken. You feel guilty for even suspecting them – they wouldn’t do that to you. And then, when you’re confronted with the incontrovertible truth, you can’t comprehend it. You feel numb. Until it sinks in and then all you can think of is why . . . why would someone do that to you? Then the hurt and confusion clears to allow the bitterness and resentment to set in.

‘Yeah, my marriage wasn’t all that by the time I found out but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel those things. I remember the first few days after I knew. Every time I looked at her, heard her voice or even thought about her, my skin crawled. I felt sick. She was a lot of things but I didn’t think she would betray my trust. I could tolerate a lot of her behaviour but I couldn’t tolerate that. And I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t trust me. So it’s up to you, Red. I made a mistake. I’m not perfect. You need to decide whether you trust me or whether you don’t. It’s a black and white issue; a yes or no.’

Isla’s eyes hadn’t left his face the whole time he’d been speaking. A whole rainbow of emotions had been conveyed by his features as he’d spoken. She nodded to him and he closed the door, leaving her with his final emotion burned in her consciousness. Acceptance. She knew that whatever she decided, he’d accept it. And, right up until two minutes before, she had known her decision. She’d have said that she was sorry but she wouldn’t be able to fully trust him after he’d kept something massive from her and he’d shown her that he went after what he wanted, when he wanted it. But, hearing him succinctly describing the symptoms of the aftermath . . . realising that he too was a victim of cheating . . . that had shaken her belief.

When he’d told her about Janine and the baby earlier, she’d been too wrapped up in being the victim to consider how he’d been affected. Sure, her heart went out to him when she heard the tale but that hadn’t changed how she viewed his transgression.

Could there be a grey area when it comes to cheating? Is cheating ever excusable?

She dropped her towel on the floor and removed her underwear. Then she unravelled the turban towel and raked her fingers through her damp hair. All the time, her mind was tossing around her jumbled thoughts and getting nowhere. Jamie’s sneering face kept appearing. She needed to escape from the torture in her mind. She crawled into bed and closed her eyes but sleep wouldn’t come.

Soon she was replaying the whole conversation in her head. Every so often, she’d pause it and try to ascertain how she’d have acted or reacted in Xander’s shoes. Words that he’d said during their time together swirled around her head. She recalled how many times he’d told her that he couldn’t get involved with her. That the time wasn’t right for them. He
had
tried to protect her. But she couldn’t get over the fact that he’d not told her everything once they’d become emotionally close. He’d trust her with his hotel but not with the battle he was fighting? Could she trust him in future? She just didn’t know.

She was too emotionally involved to distance herself properly. She tried pretending that it had happened to Derek, the concierge. That he’d come into work one day and confided in her that his wife was pregnant and it couldn’t be his baby. And that his wife was just out for what she could get from him but he couldn’t confront her because the pregnancy had complications and there was a risk to the baby. She knew her heart would have gone out to him. Would she have judged him if she’d seen him seeking solace in the arms of someone else? Would she have wanted to intervene and caution him if it was happening under her nose?

I’d feel more comfortable if he didn’t. But would I try to stop him?

Probably not because it isn’t my business. But I’d respect him more if I saw him trying to fight his attraction to ‘the other woman’.

Should Derek tell ‘the other woman’ what’s going on at home?

If she’s just a distraction, nothing serious then he’d probably want to forget about it but if he was serious about her then he should tell her. It’s not fair to let her get in too deep and withhold that from her . . .

What if Derek couldn’t bring himself to tell her? What if he couldn’t bear to risk losing her and he felt he might once she knew he was still married, albeit only on paper? What if he decides to wait until he’s left his wife?

Then Derek will have to face the consequences . . .

What if she found out – would it matter whether it was Derek telling her or someone else?

She’d be angry if she found out from someone else. She’d be hurt in either case but it would be much better if he told her himself. The feeling of betrayal would be far greater if she found out from another.

What if she found out from her cheating ex, would that make a difference?

Hell yes! That’s like a slap in the face. She’d be furious with him – that’s the last person she should hear it from. It would probably cloud her judgement too, bringing up all the negativity associated with her ex.

So once he’s confronted and he explains everything, should she roll over and pretend that he did nothing wrong?

No, not if it doesn’t sit right. She’d need time to think it over. He’d have shaken her trust in him.

Could she trust him again?

She would have to think long and hard about that. The situation was complex. If he’d had a one-night stand or still been sleeping with his wife, then no. If he’d been trapped in a loveless marriage, his wife impregnated by another man, trying to do the decent thing until the baby was born . . . if he’d fought getting involved with her . . . if he’d tried to do the right thing in very difficult circumstances, then he deserved credit for that but only she could decide whether she trusts him . . . whether she feels he’s likely to cheat on her.

Oh my God . . . Xander said that anyone can cheat . . . I thought he was being flippant . . . but he’d been betrayed by his wife. Was he speaking as a victim? Was that comment born out of bitterness?

So could she trust him not to fuck around behind her back like Ja- . . . her ex, did?

He was no more likely to cheat on her because of this whole episode than he was before.

Did she trust him before?

Yes.

Could she forgive him for keeping this from her?

Maybe, especially if he was going to tell her once he’d left his wife when the baby was born.

So if Ja-, the ex, hadn’t told her and he’d turned up and confessed all, she’d have forgiven him?

She’d have been pissed but yes, once she’d had time to take it all in, she’d have forgiven him.

Even though he’d technically cheated on his wife when he was with her?

The marriage was dead; he would have left but for his consideration for the baby – the baby that wasn’t even his. In this situation, he could be forgiven.

He could be forgiven.

He should be forgiven.

‘I should forgive him,’ she whispered. ‘No, I
do
forgive him.’

She shot out of bed, wrapped the duvet around her and headed for the door, picking up her room key on the way. Not even pausing to check the hallway was empty, she raced out of her room and hunted for room twenty three.

Twenty seven . . . Twenty five . . . there it is!

She banged on the door with complete disregard for the other guests, trying to sleep at that ungodly hour.

Almost instantly, the door was wrenched open by a murderous looking Xander.

Well, who wouldn’t be pissed if someone came banging on your bedroom door at ridiculous o’clock? Wait until I tell him . . . hang on, why is he still dressed? And why does he look even angrier now that he’s seen it’s me?

‘Why weren’t you in bed?’ she whispered resisting the urge to take a step back.

‘I’ve had the joyful experience of my wife calling me to demand to know what my connection is with the Rouge Passion Hotel in Kensington.’

‘What? How the hell does she know about that?’

His eyes narrowed before he spat. ‘Oh come on, Red. I know you were hurt when you found out I was married, although things weren’t how you thought. And yeah, I accept that gave you reason to hate me and to seek revenge. A woman scorned and all that . . . and I’m not saying I didn’t deserve it but I thought you’d at least have the decency to own up to it. Especially since you’ve made it clear that we shouldn’t keep anything from one another.’

Isla shook her head in complete bewilderment. ‘Xander, I have no idea what you’re talking about but I can guess that I’m implicated in some way so you’re going to have to spell it out. And could I suggest that you enlighten me in the privacy of your room? I’m not sure the other guests would appreciate being witnesses to whatever drama has beset you and your wife.’

He thrust the door open for her to enter. As she passed him, she could feel his barely contained temper. She wrapped her duvet around her a little tighter as if it would somehow shield her. She flinched as she heard the door slam behind her.

‘Well?’ he demanded, once he’d positioned himself in front of her. Loathing emanated from his every pore.

Again fighting the urge to shrink back, she looked him squarely in the eye. ‘Well, I can gather that your wife has found out about your involvement in Rouge Passion but what I don’t understand is what that’s got to do with me.’

‘She knew your name,
Isla,
’ he spat. ‘In fact, she knew rather a lot more about you than that.’

Reeling from the shock of hearing him use her real given name for the first time and with such venom in his tone, Isla shook her head mutely.

Misinterpreting her silence for guilt, Xander continued, ‘I may have hurt you but it was never intentional. I never sought to deliberately harm you in any way. Does it not occur to you that I could have ended that whole charade with the security guards keeping me out of my own building? That I couldn’t contest your ownership of the hotel? That I couldn’t have made your life a misery if revenge was the action of choice? I could have done all those things and more but all I wanted was you. I understand that you were angry, and God knows it was my own fault so I can see why you’d go running to Janine and tell her about us but why would you bring the hotel into it? I thought your plan was to keep it for yourself. I know you don’t know the scheming, gold-digging bitch but surely you would have had an inkling that she might want to lay claim to the hotel. Or did you think that you two could conspire together and make sure I didn’t get it back? Was that it?’

Isla regarded him contemptuously. ‘Have you quite finished making an arsehole of yourself or would you like to continue?’

They glared at each other, chests heaving and adrenaline flowing.

‘I take it you’re done, then. I haven’t spoken to your wife or communicated with her in any way. I have no idea where she lives or how to contact her. Until you mentioned it earlier, I had no idea of her name. I can assure you, Xander, that whoever told her about us and the hotel, it categorically was not me.’

As she spoke, she saw confusion flood his features before his frame began to relax.

‘But if not you, who the hell?’

‘I have no idea. Perhaps you should have asked her, since she seems to be the one who knows everything. Oh and while you were at it, perhaps you could have asked her who the father is.’

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she wished she could stretch out and catch them before they reached his ears.

‘I’m sorry,’ she blurted. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to.’

He waved his hand dismissively. ‘It could have been a good idea, although she wouldn’t have told me. She’s still insisting that it’s mine.’

Isla gasped.

‘She’s furious about me filing for divorce since, in her mind, I’m the one who’s been cheating on her and she says I have no proof that the baby isn’t mine and that I never can have, because it is definitely 100 per cent mine. All she’s thinking about is getting the settlement sorted so she can try to get her hands on as much of my cash as she can. Now there’s a whiff of another hotel in the air, she’ll be like a bloodhound until she sniffs out the truth so she can get her hands on it in a divorce settlement.’

‘But the hotel’s in my name so how can she get past that?’

He laughed. ‘Oh she knows that it’s in your name. What she doesn’t know is exactly what’s going on with you and me and how my lover is the new owner of another hotel. She isn’t stupid where money’s concerned. Well, unless you count spending it on stupidly expensive designer objects.’

‘So all the effort you went to, trying to secrete money into Rouge Passion was a waste of time? She’s going to get it anyway.’

His expression and his tone were ferocious when he sneered, ‘Over my dead body.’ He took a deep breath. ‘So it wasn’t you?’

She shook her head and they both stood there as the adrenaline receded.

‘Fuck,’ muttered Isla as the implications began to sink in.

‘I’d like to but I don’t think it would be appropriate,’ he muttered absent-mindedly.

Isla rolled her eyes. ‘What are you going to do?’

He shrugged. ‘Nothing. I’m done playing games. I’ll see her in court and see whether she’s managed to get any proof of my involvement with the hotel. She’ll have the best legal team that her money can buy . . . although, under the circumstances, I took the precaution of reducing the balance of our bank and building society accounts. She’s left with one account that has fifty thousand in it so she can’t accuse me of leaving her with nothing. Let’s see how she prioritises . . . food, health and beauty for her, designer clothes and equipment for the baby, or legal fees to get her claws into the rest of my cash.’

‘Fifty thousand? I could live off that for months and months . . . at least,’ Isla said, her eyes like saucers.

He smiled. ‘That’s just one of the things I love about you. You’re so different from Janine when it comes to money. You’re proud and independent and you’re willing to work for what you need. You two couldn’t be more different.’

‘Well, I was tempted to take your hotel, but that was only while I was furious with you and even then, I kept wobbling. I’d already decided earlier when you told me the whole sordid tale that I’d hand it back to you without quibbling, once you’re in a position to take it over. It isn’t mine and whatever you’d done to me, well it wouldn’t make it right.’

Smiling, Xander nodded. ‘I knew your pride and morals wouldn’t allow you to keep it. Not that I wouldn’t have deserved it. I didn’t lie in wait outside to get in and take it back from you. I was waiting to see you, to try to get you back. I know now that’s pointless. Anyway, what brings you to my room at this hour? You’re supposed to be thinking things over.’ The smile disappeared from his face as he spoke.

‘I have. I used Derek to distance myself and once I put some distance between me and the situation by trying to think what I’d say if this had happened to someone else, I could make sense of it.’

‘Huh? What’s Derek got to do with all of this? I’m lost.’

‘Nothing. Oh it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re right. If I threw everything away over a principle, I’d be a fool. Nobody can ever know for sure that their partner won’t cheat on them in the right circumstances, and, just this once, I’m willing to accept that there can be a grey area when it comes to cheating. You were trapped in an impossible situation and, quite frankly, I don’t know how you managed to stay until she gave birth . . . you deserve a medal. And it’s that behaviour that shows me the kind of man you are. Principled and honest. You didn’t lie to me and, looking back, I can see how you tried to fight it and keep your distance from me. And part of me loves being the one that you ran to when you needed to. I loved being your salvation when you turned up at my door. Of course, I thought it was financial problems that were driving you half insane . . .’

‘I know, I know. I should have told you.’

He took a step closer to her. ‘Are you telling me that you forgive me?’

She took a step too, closing the gap between them. ‘I do. Just promise me that you’ll never keep anything from me again.’

Letting out a long breath, he bent his head so that his forehead rested on hers. ‘I promise. Does that mean that you feel you can trust me?’

She paused, wanting to be absolutely certain and he tensed visibly. ‘Implicitly,’ she whispered.

He swept her into his arms, a strangled groan emitting from his throat. ‘Thank God. Oh Red, I thought I’d lost you.’

‘I thought you’d lost me too,’ she whispered.

His mouth sought hers. It was as needy as the first time he’d kissed her. Before she surrendered to his kiss, she briefly wondered whether she’d know if, at any time in the future, things changed and weren’t so good between them. Jamie had never kissed her like Xander did and his kisses had become cursory and perfunctory. This kiss was an all-consuming, knee-weakening affair as all Xander’s kisses were. Yeah, she was sure she’d know. Then she dropped the duvet in order to cling to him as her knees threatened to give way.

When Xander realised she was naked before him, he pulled his head back and looked down at her bare breasts which were squashed against his chest. ‘I see you came prepared to make up.’

She smirked. ‘I did.’ Although her only thought at the time had been to find him and tell him that she forgave him.

He disentangled his arms and stepped back. His eyes roamed over her body, taking in every glorious inch of her. The heat from his stare made her cheeks flush. ‘Fuck me, you’re gorgeous. Eminently fuckable. And mine.’

She smiled bashfully. ‘And you’re gorgeous. Exceptionally fuckable. And mine –
all
mine.’

His eyebrow hitched fractionally at her not so subtle jibe. ‘Careful.’

‘I wonder if it will feel any different when you fuck me,’ she taunted. ‘Now you’re truly mine.’

Again, his brow twitched. ‘Oh, I’ll make sure it will. You’re making my palm itch, Red. I’m not sure how much greater intensity you can take but if that’s a risk you’re willing to take, you just keep running that smart mouth of yours. Let’s see whether you regret it when I take it out on your body. Hmm, now where to begin . . .’

Casting her eyes to his crotch, she smirked. ‘If I were you, I’d do something about the constriction in your trousers – your pudendal artery must have diverted all of your oxygenated blood looking at the size of that bulge. It’s a wonder you’re not feeling faint.’

Lips twitching, he slowly traced his eyes down her body to rest between her legs and once there, he began to rub his palm slowly back and forth against his bulging erection.

How can his gaze make me feel even more naked than I am? And seeing his caress himself so casually . . . does he have any idea what that does to me?

Apparently he did.

‘I think your own pudendal artery is having a work out, right about now. I’m right, aren’t I? Is it making your delicate little clit tingle yet? Shall I make it swell until it throbs? Until it begs for release before it drives you insane? Hmm?’

Squeezing her thighs together as her pussy clenched involuntarily, she breathed, ‘Yes please.’

He laughed as he stepped up to her. ‘Careful what you wish for, my greedy little sex kitten. After the fright you’ve given me in the last thirty six hours, I’ve got quite a lot of pent-up frustration and tension. Are you sure you want me to unleash that?’

She huffed indignantly. ‘A fright which you brought upon yourself.’

Another twitch of that eyebrow. ‘So feisty. So fuckable. So infallible.’

Feigning irritation, she scowled, ‘So infinitely infuriating.’

That eyebrow raised before he grabbed her and pulled her to him as he sat back on the bed. ‘I’ll infinitely infuriate your arse, if you don’t keep that mouth in check.’

‘So impudent and improper.’

He manhandled her across his lap. ‘So fiery and fanciful – unlike your arse, that’s fiery and fanciable.’

‘My arse isn’t fiery!’

Slap!
His palm landed heavily across one of her cheeks.
Slap!

He massaged where he’d spanked. ‘Now it’s fiery and fanciable. Or at least it’s getting that way.’

Slap, slap!
A double hit.
Slap, slap!
And another.

Isla absorbed the spanking through gritted teeth. She resolved to not give him the satisfaction of making a sound, not when he’d caused the whole fiasco. If she’d given him a fright, then he’d given her a heart attack. It should be her spanking him. But she knew there was no way in hell that would ever happen. So she chose to deny him a response but, as the spanking continued, it became apparent that her body was determined to give him a response; albeit a non-verbal one but it didn’t escape his attention.

‘Hmm Red, you’re squirming and I can smell your scent. You aren’t supposed to be enjoying this, but you are, aren’t you? You just can’t help yourself. Your body responds to me taking you in hand. Your pussy is very wet, Red. Isn’t it?’

Yes.
‘No, I don’t think so.’

‘Hmm. I have a choice. I can either up the spanking until you admit it or I can see for myself. Now what’s it to be?’