The Redemption of Callie and Kayden (18 page)

head. And Caleb is nowhere to be seen.

I wish that’s how it always was. I wish he would just

disappear and my mom and dad would wave at me from the

driveway, letting me live the life I should have had a long time ago.

Kayden

I can tell she’s worried about me and I’m pretty sure that if

we were alone, she’d tell me that we shouldn’t go on the trip. She

thinks I’m going to break apart, but the only time I’m not

completely broken is when I’m around her. At least that’s what I’m

thinking while Luke and I wait for Seth and her to come out of the

garage.

Luke lights up a cigarette as we wait. Neither of us speaks as

he inhales and exhales puff after puff and the heater drowns out

the chill in the air as he cracks his window.

“Okay,” he says as he sticks his arm through the open

window and ashes the cigarette. “I just want to know one thing.”

I stare at the garage in front of us and at the headlights

lighting up the tire tracks in the snow. “And what’s that?” I ask,

unsure if I want to hear his response.

He puts the end of the cigarette back into his mouth as he

tosses the pack onto the dash. He sucks in a deep breath and

exhales the smoke as he relaxes back in the seat. “Was it worth it?”

“Hitting Caleb?” I check without looking at him.

The smell of smoke gets stronger as he sucks in another

lungful. “Yeah.”

My gaze elevates past the stairway to the upper section of

the garage. The light is on inside of the small room and I can see

Callie and Seth’s figures moving back and forth in front of the

window. I remember what Callie and I did the last time we were up

there, how she felt while I was inside her—how I felt.

“Yes.” It’s a small word that doesn’t really mean anything, yet

it does. In fact, I think it means something more than I’m ready to

admit to myself.

He puts the cigarette into his mouth again and the paper

withers and glows orange as he sucks in a deep drag. “So… are you

doing okay with everything?”

I drum my fingers on top of the door handle. “Yeah, I’m

okay.”

He clips his fingers around the cigarette and removes it from

his mouth, breathing out the smoke and it fills up the cab. “Are

you sure… because if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m here.”

It’s the deepest conversation we’ve had and I think I know

why we’re having it. Luke’s older sister, Amy, took her own life.

Right after it happened, he got really wasted one night and started

crying in front of me, blaming himself because he didn’t notice any

signs.

I nod. “I promise I’m good.”

Luke and I stay quiet until Callie and Seth come out and I

start to relax again. Then all hell breaks loose as the side door to

the house swings open.

“No fucking way,” Luke says as Caleb steps outside. “Shit,

Kayden…”

I’m already climbing out. My fists are balled, adrenaline is

thrashing in my body, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Every emotion I felt that night consumes me again, the good and

the bad ones. Caleb sees me and smarts off, adding fuel to the

flames raging inside me. I’m about to do something that’ll

probably ruin my life forever when Callie throws herself onto me.

She keeps begging me to stop, for her, please. But Caleb keeps

going, calling her a slut, and I want to kill him. I actually feel it, the need to beat him to death, and for a divided second it’s all a feel,

possessed to make it happen.

Then Callie’s gazing at me with her beautiful blue eyes and

she looks like she’s about to cry. She utters six little words that

change my life and scar my soul forever.

“I can’t do this without you,” she whispers, hugging me like

I’m her lifeline.

All of a sudden I know I can’t do anything to him, because

it’ll hurt her more than it’ll probably hurt Caleb. So I back away and climb into the truck, holding onto her to keep myself from falling

into the darkness.

* * *

No one speaks for most of the drive. It’s like we’re all too

afraid to be the first voice heard and too afraid of what might

come out of our mouths. Callie has her head resting on my

shoulder and she keeps running her finger along the inside of my

wrist. I know she can feel the healing scars on my skin and it makes

me uneasy, but I don’t pull back. If she needs to touch me, then

she can touch me.

Her phone keeps going off, playing Blue October’s “Hate

Me,” but she keeps silencing it.

“It’ll be okay,” she whispers, and then minutes later she drifts

asleep, practically balling herself onto my lap because there’s

barely any room to move with four people squished in the single

cab. But it is what it is and we don’t need any more.

Luke drives for half the night, determined to get there as

quickly as possible. I offer to drive a few times, but he declines

each time. The radio is blasting a little Chevelle and the clouds

fade the closer we get to the ocean and the stars dot the sky. I

wonder if it’s possible to fix myself and turn into someone else.

Someone I’ve never known. Someone who doesn’t cut themself,

who doesn’t want to feel pain over emotion, someone who can be

worthy to hold her like I am right now.

I glance down at Callie in my arms. Her hair is hanging in her

face and she’s hitched her leg over mine. One of her hands is on

my lap and she holds the other one against her chest. I know I

need to tell her everything but I’m not sure how she’ll handle it.

She’s barely said her own secrets aloud, which is why I took

matters into my own hands, why I beat up Caleb, and why I was

willing to beat him up again in the snap of a finger.

And I don’t regret what I did.

I never will.

* * *

“Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty.” Something heavy slams

into the side of my head. I jolt awake, flinging my arms in the air.

The sunlight strikes my eyes and I blink several times against the

brightness. Luke is standing to the side of me with the door open

and a shit-eating grin on his face. “Shit, I thought you were never

going to wake up.”

I glance to my side at the bag he must have thrown at me

and then at the sand stretching out in front of me that connects

with the ocean. The backdrop of the bright blue sky mirrors the

water and blinds the hell out of my eyes. I’ve been to the beach

before, during the few times my mother and father decided we

needed to try and be a family. It always ended shitty, with

someone getting pissed off, and the trip would get cut short.

“How long have we been here?” I yawn and I set my feet to

the ground and climb out and stretch my arms above my head.

Luke leans into the cab, grabs the duffel bag, and slams the

door shut, swinging the keys around on his finger. “Like ten

minutes. Callie told me to let you sleep, but I didn’t see the fun in that.”

I’m glad that he’s being an ass and not treating me like a

suicidal freak. “Well, thanks, I guess.”

He lifts his eyebrows as he heads for the front of the truck.

“No problem.”

The beach house belongs to Luke’s father—I know that

much. What I’ve never got was how his father could afford it, and

yet he couldn’t afford to pay for Luke’s tuition for school, among

other things. I asked him about it once and all Luke did was shrug.

He doesn’t like to talk about his dad, even before his parents’ got

divorced. I’ve met him only once, when I was six, right when Luke

and I became friends. He seemed a little off, like he didn’t know

what to do with himself or Luke. A week after I met him, he packed

his stuff and left. Luke’s probably visited him, like, ten times since then and each time he comes back, he never talks about his trip.

And I never ask.

The wooden porch bounces slightly as I walk on it, heading

toward the side door of the house. The screen is shut, but the door

behind it is agape, so the warm air can flow in. I hear the waves of

the ocean rolling against the sand and music playing from inside

that mixes with the sound of Callie’s laughter.

“Warning,” Luke says as he pulls open the screen door. “Seth

has already claimed one of the two rooms that has a bed. Callie

says she’ll bunk up with him, but there’s no way in fucking hell I’m

sharing with you.”

I walk inside and the door swings shut behind me. “I’m fine

with sleeping on the couch.” As much as I would love to share a

bed with Callie, hold her, spend the night with her, it’s probably

better if I don’t, because I’m unsure how close I want to get to her

yet.

“Good, because I hate sleeping on the couch.” He heads

across the kitchen to the hallway with his bag slung over his

shoulder and I’m left standing alone. There are a few barstools

around a small island and a sitting window that shows the view of

the beach. I take a seat on a stool and pull one of my legs up,

resting my arm on top of my knee. I remember when I was little

the ocean was one of the most amazing things I’d ever seen. I was

fascinated by the way the waves rolled up and washed away the

sand, leaving their imprint on the world. Sometimes I would stand

right at the edge and let it crash against my feet as I considered

taking one more step and my feet would eventually move forward.

One more step and it’d take me away—

“Kayden.” Callie’s voice rises over my shoulder. I hear her

walk closer to me and feel the warmth of her body when she’s

right behind me. “Are you okay?” She places a hand on my

shoulder and there’s a tremor in her fingers.

I remember the first time I kissed her, up in that playground

carnival ride, on the bridge, pressed up against the net. She

trembled under my touch and I loved every second of it, yet hated

it because it made me feel things I wasn’t ready for.

“I’m fine.” I plaster a fake smile on my face and turn around.

“I was just thinking.” I reach up and move her hand off my

shoulder, slipping my fingers through hers as I get to my feet.

“About what?” she wonders with a tilt of her head and

strands of her brown hair fall into her eyes. “About what happened

last night… with…” She struggles to say his name and I quickly let

her off the hook to remove the pain in her eyes.

“No, not that.” I sweep her hair back with my free hand and

then let it drift down to her cheek and I enjoy the feel of skin. “The last time I was by the ocean.”

She lays her hand over mine as it lingers on her cheek. “How

old were you?”

“Twelve.” My mind flashes back to the feeling of the ocean

and the power of the violent waves. I shake the feeling from my

head. “You know what? I don’t really want to talk about it.” My

hand drops from her face and I bring her hand down with mine.

“What do you want to do today?” It seems like such a stupid

question when we have so much shit hanging in the air.

But she just smiles as she swings our arms and plays along

with me, giving me what I need. “We should probably go shopping

so you won’t have to wear the same clothes the entire time.”

“Shopping, huh?” I arch an eyebrow and sigh. “All right, let’s

go shopping.”

Callie

What an insanely ordinary thing to do, I think as we walk up

the busy street fenced by buildings and neon-colored shops and a

mob of people who are dressed in beachwear. I feel overdressed in

my fitted blue shirt and skinny jeans. My Converses are not made

for a sidewalk that has sand in it and I keep wishing I’d brought my

sandals the way Seth had suggested when we were packing.

I thought it was an absurd thing to say, but now looking at

the sand everywhere, I do want to sink my toes into it. I’m staring

at my feet as I walk and dodge from left to right through the

crowd. I’m never comfortable in crowds because I always wind up

getting touched, no matter how hard I try not to be. But as I keep

getting prodded in the shoulder by men and women I realize my

internal cringing instinct has diminished over time.

“I told you,” Seth whispers in my ear.

I blink up at him and he has a huge smile on his face. His

eyes are hidden behind silver sunglasses and he has on a thin red

T-shirt, jeans, and sandals. “Told me what?”

“That you’d regret not wearing sandals.” He sticks his arm

out for me to take and I loop it through mine, like we are two

ordinary people taking a nice stroll down the sidewalk. Only we’re

not and I’m reminded of that when he opens his mouth again.

“Do you… do you want to talk about it?” he asks as we pass

by a store displaying a collection of sunglasses in the window.

I shake my head, taking in the stores beside me, trying not to

think about how I felt seeing Caleb again, the things he said to me,

or the fact that my mom has called and text me a least a hundred

times and left me countless messages I refuse to check. “I’m okay,”

I say. “And despite the fact that I don’t have shorts or sandals, I’m enjoying the sun and sand.”

He grins at me and it beams in the sunshine. “Well, I’m glad.”

The smile fades. “But if you need to talk…”