The Regal Rules for Girls (2 page)

I
’m sure when you envision yourself embarking upon your future English life, you picture yourself starting out in London. You picture a luxuriously bohemian existence in Notting Hill (perhaps opening a small bookshop); becoming a trendy publishing assistant like Bridget Jones; or applying to be the tea girl for the British prime minister (and ultimately seducing him). Your mind is swimming with all those quirky London flats, cobblestone streets, mansions with glowing windows, and adorably dithery rosy-cheeked Englishmen declaring love to the American girl of their dreams in the rain. (Or at a press conference, in the snow, or on Christmas Eve.)

Let’s face it: Hugh Grant movies have a lot to answer for. Because although life in London
can
be as wonderful and as magical as Hollywood portrays, attaining it is not nearly that effortless. Getting to England is easy. Staying there, working there, and living there are other matters entirely. But I promise you, there is hope.

I love Virgin Atlantic. Even though you’re packed into a cheap economy seat, they try to make you feel like you’re a first-class passenger. Movies on demand, late-night ice cream treats—flying with them is actually a pleasure.

But even if you plan on sleeping on the plane, try not to approach your flight like one giant slumber party. Sometimes, if you make an effort to wear nice clothes instead of a baseball cap and a comfy velour jumpsuit, Virgin will bump you to upper class—a part of the plane that has its own
bar
. (With actual stools.) And hey—if you’re looking for a hot, successful, James Bond–type Englishman, you have a pretty good chance of meeting one here, so take it from me—wear your pearls, not your pajamas.

DON’T FORGET TO PACK:

Still, as I mentioned before, crossing the Atlantic ocean is the easy part.
Getting
to England is easy.
Staying
is the hard part—especially if you want to do it legally. And considering you probably don’t want to be an illegal UK immigrant working on the black market and in constant fear of deportation, I’m guessing you’ll want to do it legally.

I know what you’re thinking: The days of strict immigration rules are over. The Berlin Wall came down long ago and surely we’re all free to live wherever we want. Right?

Wrong. Throwing your passport into the sea and becoming a free-moving citizen of the world is sadly not an option. (Believe me, I checked.)

Many are surprised by this because surely immigration rules aren’t that strict in English-speaking countries. The truth is that they are
especially
strict in English-speaking countries. In fact, the country where immigration rules are the most rigorous is the country where English was actually invented.

But doesn’t the UK government realize how much you
love
England? Don’t they realize how much you
belong
on English soil? Don’t they care that you understand the rules of hereditary titles or that you can name who is tenth in line to the throne? Aren’t they even the
slightest
bit impressed that you can name the Commonwealth countries and quote Churchill and Shakespeare and Austen and Brontë until you go blue? What about the fact that you actually know the lyrics to “God Save the Queen”? Or the fact that you genuinely
like
milky tea, enjoy wearing tweed, and (vaguely) understand the rules of cricket?! Doesn’t this count for
anything
?

Sadly not.

But don’t give up or abandon your mission just because of a few bureaucratic barriers.
There are ways through this.
(And if it makes you feel any better, despite what the Statue of Liberty would lead many to believe, the United States is not that welcoming to Brits trying to live in America. So essentially, the “special US-UK relationship” is equally useless to all involved.)

I guess part of the reason the UK is so strict about who can and can’t reside on their sacred isle is just that—they are actually a very, very small island. Let’s not forget that the United Kingdom in total (including England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland) is roughly the size of Idaho. As much as the Brits might like to do so, they simply do not have the physical space to allow every Anglophile on the planet to live there permanently. So you just have to prove to them that you are an über-special, über-talented, über-dedicated, and über-deserving Anglophile.

The state of Idaho compared to the United Kingdom

I’m assuming you already have a passport and I don’t have to talk you through how to get one. Once that’s out of the way, your exciting paperwork journey will begin with the
Home Office.
Google their site. Bookmark it. And get ready to refer to it more times than you care to remember.

The Home Office got its name in the same way “Homecoming”
got its name in America. The homecoming parade, homecoming dance, and homecoming bonfire are all celebrations to mark the fact that students, alumni, and town residents are coming “home” to watch one of the first football games of the season. This tradition is of course assuming that your high school is the center of the universe and you will never have another “home” quite like it. Similarly, the Home Office was named back when England considered itself to be the center of the universe, and no matter how much of the globe was conquered by the mighty British Empire, “home” would always be in England.

Despite being based in a well-mannered, orderly country, the service one receives from the Home Office is not particularly helpful. Or friendly. Or particularly efficient.
¹
So don’t expect American-style customer service, accountability, or transparency when dealing with them. Accept this early on and your frustration levels might drop a bit.

When it comes to getting yourself to the UK, I’ve narrowed it down to seven different options. Some are easier than others and some are more expensive than others—ultimately, you have to decide what is best for your circumstances and what you’re hoping to achieve once you’ve landed on English shores.

1. A Student Visa

This option has the distinction of being both the easiest
and
the most expensive. It’s the easiest because once you’ve been accepted
to a British university to do your master’s or your PhD (or even your BA)—the admissions boards at these schools don’t care too much about your nationality. All they care about is that you have the academic standards required for their specific degree program. So if you’re a bit brainy (and I’m sure you are), this is a superb way to further your education, study something you’re passionate about, and get yourself to England on a student visa. Everyone wins: Your parents are proud, your mind gets challenged, and while you’re there you just might get engaged to an earl.

There is a drawback to this option, and that’s the price tag. Only a few years ago, college tutition was completely free in the UK. But in the last few years things have changed and now British students pay up to £9,000 per year for college (even for Oxford and Cambridge). Americans will have to pay “overseas tuition”—which is usually double the cost. But hey—this is still
a bargain
compared to the cost of most graduate degrees in the US.

What
can
be expensive is the
cost of living
in the UK, but luckily the benevolent US government offers reasonably priced loans to nearly all grad students who are US citizens. And those of you with an acceptable credit rating can borrow up to the
full cost
of attendance—including living and commuting costs—through the federal government’s Grad PLUS program. On top of this, you’re allowed to work in the UK up to twenty hours per week.

Worst case? You end up in just as much debt as all your American friends in law school or medical school. But
you
will have the added bonus of also living in England—which surely is worth every penny ten times over.

I’ll be paying off my own student debt for the next thirty years—but my student loan is what made England possible for me and, in turn, opened up all kinds of opportunities that wouldn’t have been
there otherwise—so I don’t regret it for a single, solitary second. I’m not encouraging you to rack up ten credit cards, but you should consider the fact that debt is not always a bad thing if it is the stepping stone that gets you what you want in life and leads you to where you want to be.

If you’re serious about mixing with the British gentry, where you choose to study and what you choose to study is very, very important. I can’t stress this enough.

My number one tip for degree-seekers abroad? Avoid London. I know it sounds heartbreaking to come all the way to England and not live smack-dab in its thriving, sparkling capital, but the truth is that most British students (especially ones destined to inherit titles and/or castles) don’t go to university in London. If you want to meet American Ivy Leaguers and scores of European playboys, then a degree in London might suit you. Otherwise, steer clear.