The Rookie (Racing On The Edge #7) (27 page)

“I don’t know what I want right now, Easton. Just give me time.”

“You keep saying that,” Easton shook his head letting go of my hand. “And someday I’m going to quit asking all together.”

And then he walked out.

I wanted to crawl inside myself and forget all this shit but what good would that have done anyone, especially me?

Why have I let go of something wrapped around my heart only because I couldn’t say what I needed?

When Easton left, I felt guilty. Mad as hell, but guilty because the one I wanted to see right then wasn’t who I should have wanted to see.

Rager.

It hurt to hear and feel Easton’s temper toward me and this situation. He had every right to be angry too. I hurt him by avoiding him. It wasn’t the adult way to be dealing with this but it’s how I dealt with it.

Axel couldn’t miss any races and neither could dad but it worked out that there was a week’s break when mom had her surgery.

When dad had to leave, she wanted to go with him.

The doctor had warned her to just take it easy but there was no taking it easy with her. No one wanted to tell her no so I went with them and made sure she didn’t overdo it and was there to pick up the slack if I saw her doing too much.

We all went on a three-day road trip that started in LaSalle Wednesday night and then followed with Beaver Dam and New Richmond.

We were in the pits at Beaver Dam Raceway on Thursday when Dave came up, sweating and nervous. Last time he looked like that he’d set the hauler on fire with dad’s sprint car inside of it.

“Jameson, I gotta tell you something.”

Dad turned to glare at Dave. “What?”

Dave held up his palms. “Sway showed me her boobs.”

Dad sighed throwing his arms up. They flopped back down on his knees. “Goddamn her. She thinks because they’re fake it’s like some kind of free for all. I’m not pleased. I’m actually pretty pissed.” He smacked the side of Dave’s head. “Forget you ever saw that.”

Dave nodded but you knew damn well the image of my mother’s breasts would be there forever.

“Forget you fucking saw that.” Dad looked at me. “We gotta do something about your mom. This shit isn’t cool.”

I laughed but really, I understood what was happening. She was robbed of a part of herself. Now she wanted to know she still looked good. So she asked everyone. Sure my dad told her every day how beautiful she still was but part of her wondered. It was only natural.

Emotionally the whole thing was weighing on her. This was her way of dealing. Showing people the funbags.

The race was called on rain after a two hour rain delay.

As we loaded up the haulers, dad and mom took off first to head to New Richmond. I decided to ride with Rager. Big fucking mistake.

It seemed between that dream, Easton being a justifiable ass, and everything that had happened lately, I decided to make matters worse.

I had no business doing this shit right now but fucking sue me, he was tempting me and I was taking the bait.

“You think of me?” I asked, my eyes on the rain drops sliding up the windshield of his motorhome.

“More than I ever should.”

I wasn’t sure he was going to say anything else but he surprised me when he pulled off the highway at a small diner.

“Go to dinner with me?” His stare was on the building. They didn’t look open but the sign said they were.

“I don’t know…” The thing was, I knew exactly what dinner with Rager meant.

“It’s just food, Arie.” He wasn’t convincing. His half smile proved that. “That’s all.”

It wasn’t and he damn well knew it wasn’t. Rager had something in mind. He usually did.

“It’d be pretty easy for me to act on it…but I won’t.”

“Cocky much?” I teased getting out of the motorhome and following him to the door of the diner.

He smiled opening the door and giving me a head nod to go in. “I just know you.”

He did know me. He was exactly right on that statement.

“You seeing anyone?” My blood raced and my skin pebbled with the way he watched me in the dimly lit diner. A look that said in unspoken words that he’d give anything for this table not to be in between us and not here, in this situation, with witnesses. He’d give anything to be anywhere but right here and knowing that I’m not his was a great divide he knew we couldn’t get across.

“No. I’m kinda bent on one girl.” He smiled, unapologetic and shrugged. “She went and married a NASCAR driver.”

I didn’t say anything when he leaned forward his elbows resting on the table. His hands scrubbed over his face and then he looked at me, voicing my earlier thoughts. “I’d give anything for this fucking table not to be in the way.”

He’s not talking about a table and I think we both knew that.

His voice was low and meant for me, only me, when the waiter brought another round of drinks. We’d barely touched our food and I wasn’t hungry. “Do you think of that dream?”

I didn’t hesitate to give him the truth. “I do. I think about how exactly it would play out and the things you would do to me. It has me bent on a dream.”

Rager groaned and let his head fall back against the booth. He drew in a deep breath and then blew it out slowly. When his eyes found mine again, I could barely take it. “I can make every dream, every fucking dream you desire come true…just say the words, Arie. Just say the words before I take what isn’t mine to take without even asking.”

If I were living in the moment, I wouldn’t hesitate to say the words he needs to hear. Give him the permission he’s seeking. A fleeting moment, two heartbeats pounding for only each other, but as tempting as this sounds, the doubts niggling their way around in my brain are getting louder and louder. “Rager…you know our history, you know my feelings even though I haven’t told you. Yet you are always the one to stop this before it goes any farther. What’s changed with us, with you?” I couldn’t look directly at him, knowing my eyes would voice the silent words that he so desperately wants to hear.

“Arie,
you have
changed me and knowing that you are here right now, with me and not with him, it’s every dream I’ve ever had and constantly reminding me how much I want you. Every time we’ve had a chance, we’ve never taken it. It’s been one fucking heat race after another and never making it to the feature, and I won’t…I can’t do that anymore. I want you to be my feature race but you have to be the one to make that choice because the bastard in me is saying I should take you, right here, right now and fuck any consequences,” with a heavy sigh he asked, “so what’s it gonna be, Arie?”

Oh. My. God.

In typical me fashion these days, I got up and walked out of the diner.

Tire Rub – This happens when a tire is rubbing on a fender of the car.

The doctors were right. Mom needed more rest from the surgery and complications with swelling happened. I knew she should have stayed put but she had to learn for herself. After those first few races she was ordered on bed rest. I stayed there with her wanting her to know I was there for her. She made dad go racing with the boys. She said he was driving her crazy with hovering over her.

“See, we don’t always get along.”

“Oh please, you’re revolting at times.” I teased lying in bed with her. We both had half pints of ice cream in hand as we watched movies.

“You know, when I was pregnant with Axel I did this very same thing and my dad laid next to me every day and watched movies with me.”

I smiled but said nothing.

Mom laughed setting her ice cream on the nightstand and curled into her pillow. “Have you talked to Easton since that day at your house?”

“Not since he was a dick to me.”

“He’s scared.”

“I am too. I don’t know how to fix it, or if it’s too late now.”

“It’s never too late to say you’re sorry.”

“But I’m not. He treated me like I was his doormat and there to take the brunt of everything. And then the deal with Shaylee and Olivia. Why can’t he be sorry?”

“I think he is sweetie. He’s scared too. But all that is a part of marriage.”

“It shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t have to just take him treating me like that because it’s just a part of marriage. How is that fair?”

“That’s not what I mean. If he can’t tell you those things, vent to you, his best friend, who can he to?”

She had a point.

“You need to remember this, driving for your dad, being married to his only daughter, that’s hard on any guy. It’s hard to live up to the expectations people put on you and you know very well how demanding your dad is.”

Goddamn her and her points. I finished off my ice cream and went on to help her finish off hers.

Two weeks later mom was able to travel again and wanted to head to summer nationals at Williams Grove.

It was 106 when we pulled into Williams Grove that day and I was sweating so much I was sure all the water I was drinking was seeping out of my pores as fast as I was drinking it. So I stuck to beer instead.

I’m not entirely sure that would solve the problem and I wondered what it was about my family but we’re a bunch of fucking alcoholics.

I couldn’t imagine how the boys felt being inside those cars with that temperature. Most wore cooling packs inside their racing suits because even though they were inside the cars for a short time, they still felt the heat.