The Rules of Regret (35 page)

“
And since I can
’
t stop thinking about him, I think
maybe we shouldn
’
t
do this,
”
Torin said, his voice thick with emotion and his eyes welling with that same
sorrow.
“
Because
I don't want to be thinking about Lance when we, you know,
do
this.
”

Of
course I agreed with that. I had to. I didn
’
t want to be thinking about Lance,
either. I just wasn
’
t
sure when that time would come that I
wouldn
’
t
be thinking about
him. I wished for some magical hour to occur when the grieving process would
come to a close. But the more of life I experienced, the more I came to realize
there was no end point to grief, just different stages of it. And those stages
were long, drawn out, ceaseless chunks of time.

“
Okay.
”
I didn
’
t feel rejected, if anything, it was
a relief because Torin seemed to have more clarity in the moment than I did.

“
I hope it is... okay with you, I
mean.
”

“
Of course it is, Torin.
”

A
cautious smile spread across his face and he added,
“
Plus, you might make fun of me for
this, but there are a few other quotes I
’
d
like to say to you before we actually do it.
”

“
Oh yeah?
”
My interested piqued.
“
And what would those be.
”

Even
though it was nearly black, the floodlight we
’
d used as we painted the wall curved
shadows across the room, its own painting of light and dark. Torin
’
s profile was illuminated and I could
see his Adam
’
s
apple pull up and down in his throat as the ball at the back of his jaw pulsed.
Nerves rose to the surface and took the form of a slight twitch of his lip and
the tightening of his mouth.
“
As
long as we both shall live.
”

I
didn
’
t
say anything. I couldn
’
t
say anything.

“
Does that freak you out to hear that?
”
Torin asked quickly, a rush of
words.
“
Because
it freaks me out to say that.
”

“
It doesn
’
t freak me out,
”
I said, though it did just a little.
Okay, maybe more than a little.
“
I
just wasn
’
t
expecting that.
”

“
Expecting me to quote from wedding
vows? I guess I haven
’
t
done that yet, have I?
”
He smiled apprehensively.
“
Because
I realize it
’
s
totally unconventional, but I really like those words. How it
’
s just two people, committed until
death. When we are together, I want it
as
long as we both shall live
, Darby.
”

When
he said that, my heart physically hurt inside my chest for Lance and the brutal
fact that he didn
’
t
have that with anyone in his final moments. He
’
d died alone. Without me. Without
Clara. And he died in pieces, having parceled himself out to so many different
people, no one to fully claim him as their own.

Maybe
he had the hope of me as he got in that car, and I prayed that hope was enough.
Because in this quiet that pulsed between Torin and me, I realized how sad it
would be to die without that hope of a future. To die with regret. I clung to
the thought that he did have hope, and that what Torin had once said was true:
that hope was stronger than regret. I needed that to be the case for Lance. I
needed that to be the case for all of us.

“
Can you say something?
”
Torin fingers lifted my chin. I
’
d been staring at the carpet
—
I hadn
’
t realized that
—
and I
’
m sure I looked like I was off in
some faraway place.
“
Is
it okay for me to tell you things like that?
”

“
Of course it
’
s okay, Torin. It
’
s what I want, actually.
”

“
So we
’
ll wait. I mean, for now, we
’
ll wait.
”

“
We
’
ll wait,
”
I agreed.

“
This is not me saying I don
’
t want this, Darby.
”
He still cupped my jaw in his palms.
“
Because I want to do this. Just maybe
a little differently than the way you
’
ve
done things in the past.
”

“
Different is good,
”
I agreed. Honestly, different was
probably what I needed. And since I didn
’
t
do a very good job knowing what I needed
—
having
up and left Quarry Summit, having repainted a wall in a house that I no longer
even inhabited
—
I
thought Torin was a good person to make those decisions for me. I needed
someone to guide me.

“
When I
’
m with you, I want to be able to give
all of myself to you, and I want to have all of you.
”
He reiterated,
“
I think a piece of you is still with
him. And that
’
s
okay, it should be.
”
We were sitting now, and Torin pulled me onto his lap, my legs wrapping around
him, squeezing his body closer to mine.
“
But
it wouldn
’
t
be fair to either of us to do this until all of our pieces were put back
together. When our pieces fall into place, then we
’
ll be ready for each other, whatever
that looks like.
”

“
It might be a long time before that
happens.
”

With
a reassuring smile that was heavy with love and understanding, Torin said,
“
I
’
ll wait for you, Darby.
”
His fingers trailed slowly up and
down my bare arms and I looked deep into his eyes, seeing my own reflection
illuminated in his wide open expression.

That
’
s when I began to cry.

“
Hey,
”
he whispered, lifting my chin up.
“
It
’
s okay.
”

“
I know.
”
I nodded, sniffing back my tears and
pushing the heel of my hand to my eyes.
“
I
just feel crushed.
”

“
Of course you do. You have every
reason to be, Darby.
”
There wasn
’
t
anything he could really do to comfort me, but he tried as he wrapped his arms
around me and cradled my head onto his shoulder.
“
I know that Lance and I didn
’
t have the greatest encounter, but it
honestly does break my heart that he
’
s
gone, because no one deserves to die when they
’
re nineteen.
”
Smoothing my hair with his palm, he
continued,
“
Or
thirteen. Or seventeen.
”
I knew he was referencing Anna and Randy.
“
In
a perfect world, we
’
d
all grow old on our porch swings with our glasses of lemonade watching our
grandchildren run through the yard.
”

The
vision brought a smile to my face, even though the tears continued to stream.

“
In a perfect world we
’
d all die in our sleep, wrapped in
our loved one
’
s
arms.
”
I wasn
’
t
sure if he did it on purpose, but the tightness of his embrace grew stronger
around me.
“
Car
crashes and abductions and suicides
—
that
’
s not how it
’
s meant to be, Darby. It
’
s awful and tragic and unfair in so
many ways. And it
’
s
so unfair that you
’
ve
had two people you
’
ve
loved so strongly ripped from your life so early,
”
Torin said.
“
It
’
s unfair, but it
’
s not unrealistic.
”

I
blanched.
“
It
’
s not?
”

“
It
’
s all of our fates. We
’
ll all die eventually, as much as we
’
d like to pretend we can avoid it.
There will be others. Lance and Anna are not it, but you have to keep loving
and you have to keep living. It
’
s
the only thing we can do.
”

“
I hope I can,
”
I muttered into his hair.

“
I'll wait for you until you can,
Darby,
”
he assured, his lips pressed to my forehead.
“
I think I
’
ve actually been waiting for you all
along.
”

We
ate our pizza and fell asleep in the middle of the room, just like I had for
the past however-many-days-it-had-been. At about 2:30 in the morning, I thought
I heard a scratching, like a cat clawing on the door, but I didn
’
t own any cats and this wasn
’
t even my actual residence anymore. I
awoke slowly, gradually, and the fuzziness of sleep stayed with me even as I
opened my eyes.

Torin
was at the wall, a pencil in his hands, the floodlight centered in a circle of
light around whatever it was that he was etching onto the smooth surface in
front of him.

“
Torin?
”
I pushed my hand into my eye
sockets, rubbing them in an attempt to help find some focus.
“
What are you doing?
”

“
Come look at this Darby.
”
He waved a hand over his shoulder,
all the while continuing in his scribbling on the drywall.
“
I want you to see something.
”

I
rose from the floor and joined him at his side.

“
What is this?
”

There
were columns of names etched in graphite, all across the wall. At least fifty,
maybe more. It resembled those walls of remembrance that they have at
cemeteries that list the dead.

Turns
out, that
’
s
exactly what it was.

“
These are all of the people that I
know that have died.
”

“
Wow,
”
I gulped.
“
That
’
s an awful lot.
”

“
Well, yeah, I suppose it is. But they
weren
’
t
all people I was close with. Just people I knew or met that are no longer
living.
”
He scrawled another name onto the wall.
“
And
I
’
m sure there are hundreds more I
’
m not counting. Like a grocer at a
store that I might have met once. Or someone I sat next to at a red light. Or
the garbage man or mailman. That hiker that died a few years back just a couple
miles from Summit... what was his name? Gary, I think. No... that doesn
’
t sound right.
”
He paused.
“
Greg!
”