The Rules of Regret (39 page)

“
It
’
s definitely what I will remember.
”
Foreheads, noses, hips, and now
chests.

“
Then that
’
s enough.
”

To
be remembered
—
even
if by only one person in this world of seven billion
—
for how much I
loved was infinitely more than I could ever have hoped for.

“
Um...
”

“
Um, what?
”
Hands. Now our hands touched, too,
as Torin wove them together and brought them up by our shoulders. It felt a
little like a marionette as he waved them back and forth slowly, my arms and
hands directed by his movements.

“
Um-I-want-to-make-out-with-you.
”

“
Um-I-think-that-is-an-incredible-idea.
”

Just
like with the eyelash fluttering, I could practically feel his smile as he
beamed a wide, toothy grin.
“
Um-it
’
s-sorta-dirty-here.
”

“
Um-I-kinda-like-dirty.
”

I
smiled and wondered if he could almost feel it, too.

“
Um-you-really-shouldn
’
t-say-things-like-that.
”

So
I didn
’
t.
But that was because Torin released his grip from my fingers and instead slid
his hands down to the backs of my thighs and in one effortless lift, hiked me
up onto him. I curled my legs around his waist and he planted his hands on the
pockets of my jeans. My elbows were on his shoulders and my hands were in his
hair, pulling his head closer to me, needing him to press up against me with
his whole body.

Torin
looked up at me with eager eyes that instantly flooded me with what felt like
helium, because I was completely weightless, about to take off.

“
You,
”
he breathed against my skin.

“
Me, what?
”
I smirked down at him, biting the
corner of my mouth playfully. I decided to flutter my eyelashes a little, too,
just to see what it would do.

“
That
’
s all. Just you.
”
He pulled his bottom lip into his
mouth, too, nearly mimicking me.

“
You kinda sound like a caveman.
”

He
dipped his hands into my back pockets, grabbing my backside and pulling me even
closer. I tightened my legs around him and crossed my ankles to bracket myself
there.

“
I
’
m kinda thinking like a caveman. The
fact that I have my hands on your ass right now makes it a little hard to form
complete thoughts, let alone sentences.
”

“
And what if my lips were on yours?
What would that do?
”
I brought my forehead down to his and looked at him from under my eyelashes. I
probably batted them a few times more than necessary.

“
I
’
m not sure what is more prehistoric
than a Neanderthal, but I
’
d
be that.
”

“
We wouldn
’
t want that.
”
I shook my head slowly.

Torin
almost chomped through that bottom lip.
“
No,
”
he said, his lip still pinned,
making him a bit of a ventriloquist which I actually found remarkably
impressive.
“
No,
we wouldn
’
t.
”

“
Well...
“
I tugged his golden hair.
“
Maybe we would.
”

“
Yeah,
”
he agreed quickly.
“
Maybe.
”

“
C
’
mere.
”
I yanked his mouth to mine with my
hands coiled in his hair. There was just a slice of space between us. His
breath rushed out of him and I pulled it in like I needed it to survive.

“
Mmm-kay,
”
he muttered against my skin, and
then took my bottom lip between his teeth. I jumped noticeably in his arms,
startled, and he used his biceps to squeeze me closer, our chests pressed so
hard against the others that I couldn
’
t
make any sense of whose erratic pulse belonged to who. It was all just drums
and cymbals and rhythm.

Torin
pulled back an inch as he smiled gently, his dimples deepening, his green eyes
hooded. Releasing my lip from his teeth, he let his lips take hold of it,
sucking it into his mouth so slowly it made me physically ache. My stomach
clenched as his mouth pressed to mine, pulling and tugging my lips in a
painstakingly deliberate rhythm. I ran my tongue across the fullness of his
bottom lip and parted my lips to let his own tongue slide into my mouth. He was
really good at this, like too good considering I knew he wanted to keep things
at just this for the time being.

Still
holding me wrapped around him, he walked forward several feet. I felt the
sudden roughness from the bark of a tree against my back as he pushed me up
onto its surface. His hands slid out from under me and he used his weight to
press me against the trunk, his chest heavy on mine. One palm was at my jaw,
the other trailing down the angle of my neck to my collarbone.
“
Sleep with me,
”
he murmured against my skin. Waves
of emotion pulsed through my body, taking on physical form in chills rushing
across my exposed arms, legs, neck.

I
managed to get out a dizzied,
“
Huh?
”

“
Tonight, under the stars. In the
sleeping bag, for old times sake.
”
He spoke quietly in between light kisses and nips at my bottom lip.
“
Because at any moment you
’
re going to realize the permanence of
what happened with Lance, and I
’
m
worried you
’
ll
run again.
”
Holding his head directly in front of mine, our eyes aligned and locked.
“
Before you run, I want to share
tonight with you.
”
His brow furrowed and his jaw tightened.
“
Just
the two of us, up here, under our very own canopy of stars.
”

“
And all you want to do is sleep?
”
I teased. I dropped my mouth to his
again at the same time a low groan slipped through his lips and I swallowed it
up.

“
No, I obviously want to do more.
”
His tongue darted into my mouth and
ran along all the sides of it. Mine danced with his, trailing the same path in
his mouth instead. Our lips were hard against the others, opening and closing
on cue, stealing all control of my breathing because everything right now was
centered around our lips. Even breathing at a steady pace took a backseat to
kissing Torin.
“
I
’
ll always want to do more, but I
’
m waiting for you Darby. So for
tonight, I just want to stay with you, asleep in my arms, the way everyone
dreams of it all ending.
”
His steady gazed penetrated me.
“
If
this is it for us, that
’
s
the only way I
’
d
want us to end.
”

“
I
’
m not going to run.
”
He didn
’
t give me much opportunity to get the
words out, but I managed speak them.
“
I
don
’
t
plan on running from you.
”

Torin
brushed the pad of his thumb against my bottom lip and looked me directly in my
eyes, like he was studying me.
“
You
already know my philosophy on making plans.
”

“
Then I
’
ll give you my promise, because that
’
s more than a plan.
”

“
You don
’
t need to promise me anything, Darby.
Just tonight. That
’
s
all I need.
”
Slowly, he slid my body down the length of the tree, the friction of our bodies
as I slithered toward the ground almost too intense to bear.

“
I
’
d stay here forever with you if you
asked me.
”

Torin
sighed.
“
If
I honestly believed forever actually existed, I
’
d ask for yours.
”

“
You wouldn
’
t have to ask. I
’
d have already given it to you.
”

“
Then can I have your for now?
”
His eyebrow arched with the
question.
“
Since
that
’
s
all we
’
re
guaranteed?
”

I
shook my head.
“
Forever
might not exist, but for my now isn
’
t
enough,
”
I said. Because it wasn
’
t.
We
’
d
had a summer together and that felt like just the beginning. There was no way I
could let him go now; this wasn
’
t
enough.

I
’
d learned something about love and
loss and knew the inevitable heartache that accompanied it. If I had any say at
all, any remote ounce of control, I
’
d
never willingly lose love again.

“
You can have my always, Torin,
”
I continued.
“
As long as you and I are on this
earth, I want to be yours.
”
I pressed my cheek against his chest, loving the sweat and the dirt that all
combined to make Torin who he was, this unexpected boy that brought me to the
summit.
“
I
promise you that.
”

“
That
’
s a promise I
’
ll gladly accept.
”
His lips swept against mine with
featherlike pressure.
“
Always.
”

“
Always.
”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

“
There are so many of them.
”

“
I know, right?
”

“
Is it possible that there are more here
than in other places?
”
I craned my head back further against the crook of his elbow, tugging the nylon
edge of the sleeping bag higher.
“
Because
I
’
ve never seen so many all at once
before.
”

“
When you
’
re this high up
—
without all the
lights, without the trees
—
it
’
s all you can see.
”
His fingers combed through my hair
and he played with the frayed ends with his fingertips.
“
And it
’
s incredible to think that we
’
re only seeing a small portion of it
all. Like it goes on forever.
”

“
Feels infinite.
”

“
That
’
s because it sorta is. I mean, when
it comes down to it, we
’
re
looking at time,
”
he said.
“
Like
all of those stars are blazes from explosions years and years ago. Or at least
I think that
’
s
what it all is. I
’
m
no astronomer.
”

“
No,
”
I agreed.
“
Sounds right. We
’
re looking into the past. I think
that
’
s
what it is.
”
I sighed and curled against the solid line of his body. We
’
d retrieved a sleeping bag from the
shed, but Torin didn
’
t
have any other clothes to wear, so he was tucked into the sack in just his
jeans, his upper half bare. I ran my fingers over his torso, over the curves of
his stomach, and could feel his muscles clench under my touch.
“
I wish we could be looking into the
future instead,
”
I murmured, continuing to trace along his heated skin.

“
No you don
’
t.
”
Torin didn
’
t offer more than that, and changed
the subject by saying,
“
So
there
’
s
this star called WR 104.
”

“
I thought stars had names like
Sagittarius and Aquarius.
”

“
Those are horoscopes
—”
he interjected.

“
Which, I believe, are derived from
stars, Torin.
”

“
Yeah, you
’
re right,
”
he conceded, chuckling. He trapped
my wandering hand in his and brought it up to his chest, resting it on top of
his heart.
“
Anyway,
WR 104. That star apparently is like total Death Star status. I guess there
’
s this big likelihood of these gamma
rays hitting earth once it goes all supernova, which could be tomorrow, or
5,000 years from now.
”
Our legs had been wrapped together in the sleeping bag, almost pretzeled, and
he drew me closer with his knee hooked around mine. I settled into the heat he
provided.
“
Anyway,
we wouldn
’
t
even know what hit us when it actually did. It would all be over. Just like
that.
”
He snapped his fingers. Dust to dust.

“
Kinda scary to be staring down the
gamma ray barrel of a star.
”

“
Sometimes it
’
s easier to live life under the false
pretense that we
’
re
invincible, isn
’
t
it?
”
A light breeze kicked up in the dirt and Torin tugged the top of the bag up
under our ears, sheltering us from the crisp air that skirted around us.
“
Like nothing can stop us. Not like we
have a proverbial gun to our heads that we all kinda do, huh?
”

“
I
’
m starting to believe it
’
s the only way to actually live at
all.
”
I was starting to believe a lot of things about life. Some more concretely than
others.

“
But how do you do that?
”
His heart echoed steadily against my
ear and I pressed further into his chest to swallow up the sound.
“
Like reconciling the invincibility
feeling and the mortal-ness factor; they
’
re
two opposites on the same coin,
”
he asked thoughtfully, like he always did. I
’
d never met anyone like Torin that
thought so deeply about life.
“
What,
do you just flip each day? Today I live like there
’
s no tomorrow. Today I live like I
have endless tomorrow
’
s.
”

“
I honestly feel like I
’
m teetering on the edge of that coin.
Like it
’
s
spinning and spinning and wobbling, but sorta balancing at the same time.
”

“
I get that,
”
he said and I could feel his head
nod against the top of mine, his chin pressed to my temple.
“
And maybe they
’
re not actually opposites at all.
Maybe we
are
both mortal and
immortal. Looking up at that midnight sky, it kinda changes the whole picture.
Maybe we
’
re
mortal here, that might be true. But maybe we
’
re invincible there.
”
He didn
’
t say what there was, but we were
both looking up at that same sparkling abyss, its vast expanse of infinity
shining on us in thousands of bright, white has-been stars.
“
Maybe
—
hopefully
—
this isn
’
t it for us, you know?
”

I
wanted to agree by saying
‘
Yes,
I know.
’
But I didn
’
t
know. As Torin said, I hoped, and for now that felt close enough to knowing.
Sometimes hope was all we had.

“
I
’
m fine balancing on that edge,
”
he continued. His chest rose and
fell consistently.
“
Balancing
on the edge of that possibility. I wouldn
’
t
regret living like that, I don
’
t
think. I wouldn
’
t
regret living for today, but hoping for tomorrow.
”

“
I like that rule.
”
I wrapped my arms around him
tighter, even though the one slunk underneath him was tingling with numbness.
Because, finally, nothing else about me felt numb. I
’
d experienced so much of death that I
’
d forgotten to experience life, and
that was the greatest tragedy of all. Torin brought me back to life. I wasn
’
t sure he
’
d ever be able to know the extent to
which he saved me, but I was determined to spend the rest of whatever time I
was given letting him know.

“
So I remember you saying your parents
started this camp to try to use Randy
’
s
death for good.
”

Torin
angled toward me, smoothing my hair so he could look more clearly into my eyes.
“
Yeah?
”

“
Do you think that
’
s our job? To look for the good in
the bad?
”
I
’
d never lived my life like that, but
instead had just refused to believe the bad had even happened. Refusing to come
to terms with death by ignoring the permanence of its power had been my default
for as long as I could remember.

“
I think there is always a silver
lining. I don
’
t
necessarily know it
’
s
our job to find it, but I do know it makes life a hell of a lot better if we do
go in search of it.
”
It was incredible to think that something so simple had eluded me for so long,
and that Torin could speak it so freely.
“
Like
those stars,
”
he continued, waving a hand toward the blackened blanket above us.
“
It kinda sucks that only after they
burn out do they finally get to shine that bright, but I guess that
’
s the good in the bad for them. Their
silver lining.
”

My
gaze tried to take it all in, the limitless sky and its millions of sparkles of
burnt out energy. I knew there was bad in the world, but in this moment, all I
could see was the good. The beautiful creation of light and constellations and
shooting bursts that crossed over the galaxy
—
that was all I could see. And it was
honestly the most captivating, breathtaking scene that my eyes had ever, and
probably would ever, take in.

“
I want to do all of that, Torin.
”
I closed my eyes for a brief moment,
and the black that shielded my vision made me crave the twinkling illumination
instantly.
“
I
want to live for today, hope for tomorrow, and try to look for the good in
everything in between.
”
I opened my eyes again.
“
I
think that
’
s
the only way I can truly live this life without regret.
”

“
I like that, Darby. The rules of
regret,
”
he said softly with an understanding that made me feel not only wholly
understood, but significant beyond anything I
’
d ever experienced.

“
I think I can follow those.
”

In
fact, I knew I could. For once, I was completely confident in that answer. I
could live. I could have hope. And I wouldn
’
t allow myself to dwell on the bad,
but would give myself the freedom to seek out the good. I would allow myself to
do that, and Torin would be the one to guide me. He
’
d guided me so many times before, and
that was just around the tree-dotted trails back at camp. Guiding me through
life, though much more important on every possible level, felt so much easier
to surrender to. And surrendering to the idea of hope felt just as natural. I
could do this
—
I
could live this life without regret.
“
Let
’
s follow those rules together,
”
I said again, pulling him so close I
could hardly tell where I ended and he began.

Curling
me into his side and holding me with the most gentle, but secure, embrace he
possibly could, he kissed my forehead, his lips suspended just above my brow,
and said,
“
I
think we just might regret it if we don
’
t.
”

THE END