The Secret Art of Forgiveness (22 page)

She was just pulling away when she heard the whisper, ‘Stay.'

For a second she thought she'd misheard. Surely Tam wasn't asking her that? No. But there was a rush of emotion through her; confusion edged with panic and something else… something warm and desperate and… Was this a rush of familial love? No. Now she was just getting carried away.

She bit her lip and forced the catch in her throat away. ‘I can't stay, you know that.'

‘Please. Stay until we can get this all sorted out. You're the only one who seems to have any idea what's going on or how to deal with him. You're right, he's happy. I don't make him happy. But you do. I haven't seen him smile like that in years. I haven't seen him looking so well for ever, and it's all down to you.' Tam bit down on her lip and Emily knew it was taking a lot for Tam to say this. ‘Stay, Emily, please. It won't be for ever, just a few weeks, a month until we get things sorted. Help me, please. I can't do this, Emily. I can't do all of this.'

Then she was sobbing so hard that Emily's heart was cracking into pieces. And they stood there in the kitchen holding on to each other in a way Emily had never held on to anyone before. She needed her. Her sister needed her. ‘But I have a job. I have things to do… I have Brett…'

‘Don't you like it here? Can't you bear it? Do you really hate us?'

‘No, it's not that. I like it here.'

‘Just not enough.' Tam pulled away and wiped her eyes and transformed back into the straight-backed shell she'd been before. ‘I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't be asking you to do something you don't want to do. This is my problem, mine and Matilda's. Go. Go, before your taxi leaves without you.'

But Emily's head was doing somersaults jumping from scenario to scenario. The idea of staying was completely out of the question. She had a good job and she'd be an idiot to put that at risk. She had a fiancé, and she'd be a total fool to jeopardise her future with him. She had a life and friends in New York.

But surely they'd all understand?

Her family needed her. Her family was asking her to stay; and more, so much more than that, she wanted to. She wanted to help them through this time. To be able to look back on her life and say
I did what I could. I was there, I helped. We did it together.

And if that made her a fool and an idiot then so be it. She looked at Tamara's glistening eyes and heard the words coming out of her own mouth, ‘Okay, Tam. Okay, I'll do it. I'll help you. I'll talk to my work and see if I can do my job remotely. But it'll only be for a month; they won't let me off for more than that, if they even consider allowing me a month. Four weeks, tops, then I have to go back to my life. I do have a wedding to plan, you know.' And Brett… What the hell would he have to say about this? Would he understand?

Would she have done this kind of thing for him? Put everything at risk?

She just didn't know. Life was so damned complicated and she only had her gut feel to go on. Everyone did, in the end. Everyone had to do what they felt was right for them, even if it meant hurting someone else.

‘Thank you.' Tam pulled her into a warm hug. ‘Thank God. Thank you so much. Thank you.'

And just like that Emily's world tilted again, this time on an axis she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to straighten.

***

‘You're staying on? What? Why?' Brett's face crumpled. She didn't think she'd ever seen him so hurt and confused. His voice echoed around the empty pub, and not for the first time she wished she'd got Wi-Fi sorted up at The Hall, but she hadn't thought it'd be necessary for her short stay. Even though she was the only customer in the snug this afternoon, she tilted the screen towards her and hunched down further into the banquette seat.

Guilt crawled through her. She was damned if she stayed, damned if she left. Whatever she did she was letting someone down. She tried to make it sound as if it wasn't a big deal, ‘It's just for a little while. I thought, perhaps… four weeks? That's not too long, is it? You can all manage without me.'

‘Is Tamara sick or something?'

‘No. But if things carry on the way they have she might be. She's very stressed and she cried, Brett, cried in front of me and admitted she couldn't do this anymore.'

‘If I cry in front of you will you come running back? Is that all it takes?' There was an irritation in his voice that she'd never heard before. He huffed out a breath. ‘No, no. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I don't know what's going on between the two of you. But you're a little… gullible, darling. You've told me what she's like.'

‘It wasn't like that. She was… Look, you wouldn't understand. This is big between us, it's something…'
I've always needed.
Whoa, that smacked her right in the solar plexus. She hadn't realised that she'd been hanging on for her family to need her, too. ‘This is something I want to build on.'

‘You said you had nothing in common with them. Christ, you don't even email each other on birthdays.' The shake of his head was sharp and quick. ‘No. You're right. I don't understand. I don't understand any of this, but I'm trying to. What about your job? What about us?'

‘What about us? If we can't survive being apart for a few weeks, then there's really no hope for a future. We've got to be independent too, right?' She willed him to say yes. She willed him to let her go just as easily as she'd let him go that night he'd proposed. Let him go, because she knew he'd be back. Surely he knew she'd be back? ‘This is my chance at a family, Brett. To have what you've taken for granted all your life.'

‘I don't take them for granted. I care for them; I check in on them. A damned sight more than you do with your family.' He was angry now. She'd never seen him like this before. Their first real fight.

‘That's not what I meant. And I'm trying here. You're always telling me that people are what matter – so here I am, doing what you're always going on about.'

‘I'm sorry if I go on.' His eyes flickered closed as he wrestled whatever emotions were rolling through him.

She put her head in her hands. ‘That's not what I meant either.' Everything was going wrong one way or another. ‘Four weeks, that's all. It's not for ever. I've changed my flights, but I do still have the ticket home.' Home. That word again. Where was that? Things had become irrevocably muddled.

‘You think Greg will let you just take that time off?'

‘My stepfather is sick and needs caring for, one sister is at the end of her tether and the other sister is breaking up with her husband as we speak. Neither of them is in a space to make rational decisions or take on the substantial sale of land. If Baddermans can't see themselves clear to let one of their top-level staff take some compassionate leave, then it's not a place I want to work. I'll be back before you know it.'

‘But, Emily…' He shook his head. ‘Never mind. I just miss you.'

In a desperate attempt to make him feel okay she lowered her voice and smiled, refusing to cry about this, even though tears threatened. This was not going to be the end. ‘Hey, who knows what might happen in the future; we may have to work apart or be apart for periods of time – we have to be able to do that. I just need some time here. I know I've asked a huge amount from you, but surely we can navigate this?'

Back when they'd first got together they'd believed they could surmount any obstacle, but now he was obviously having doubts. Different doubts to her, but doubts nevertheless. ‘Things are changing, Emily. You're distant, distracted. You're different. I can see you changing every time I speak to you. I feel like I'm losing you.'

‘Things are changing, yes. I'm sorry. I feel like I need to do this. I can't…'
Breathe
, she wanted to say. ‘I'm getting a little stressed-out by everything. I'm a little overwhelmed, to be honest, by being here, juggling work. By the wedding –'

The last twenty-four hours had been a roller coaster of emotions. She'd been so infused with affection for The Judge when he'd recognised her, elated in the middle of the night when she'd had the Tamara breakthrough and, on the back of all that, promised to help her family. But now she felt completely deflated. Defeated. She squashed that, though. She wasn't a quitter. She'd make this work, because marrying Brett was the best idea she'd had for a long time. ‘It'll be better when I get home. I promise.'

As she spoke she lifted her hands to the screen, to try to touch Brett's face. Her fingers smudged against the monitor, distorting his image.

He reared back and peered at her hands. ‘Where's your ring?'

‘Oh.' She snatched her hands away from the screen. ‘It's in its box in my handbag. I took it off when I was gardening. I didn't want to get it dirty.'

‘And you didn't put it back on?'

‘No. I…' Her hands were shaking. Shaking, and bare. She hadn't given a single thought to putting her ring back on. ‘I was distracted. It's safe, I'll put it on now.'

‘Don't bother.' He looked away and she could see behind him. He was in his apartment, the one he'd bought just after he started working at Baddermans, before they were a couple. It was a real monochrome bachelor pad; minimalist because, like most men, he had no clue about soft furnishings. She'd infiltrated it by stealth, buying the odd bright cushion and merino throw to make it more comfortable when she stayed over. She missed the place. Missed him. Missed the confidence of being with him, of being part of the dynamic team of two that they were.

That was where her home was. With her friends and her job and her man – however distant he thought she was. She felt as if she was splitting in half, clinging to her New York life while trying to make things right here; forging new relationships, and trying to maintain ones she'd striven so hard for in her adopted homeland. It was exhausting.

‘I'm sorry, Brett. It doesn't mean anything. I'll put it back on.'

His cheeks seemed hollowed out. ‘You don't need to say anything else, Emily. I get the message.'

She breathed in deeply. ‘What message? What are you saying? Brett?'

But the screen went blank. He'd hung up. Gone.

She couldn't find the words to explain how torn she was. She didn't know how to ask him for help in this. Because, in a desperate bid at self-protection, she'd groomed herself not to let anyone in – but at what cost now? She was at risk of losing the best thing she'd ever had.

And that tipping feeling, as if nothing was ever going to be the same again, just kept on coming.

Chapter Eleven

‘Good God, what wizardry is this? You're still here. And you and Tamara talking, walking into the pub together? What the… It's a dream!' Sally patted the vacant seat next to her and, as the room hushed to Tam's command, whispered, ‘You are so going to have to fill me in.'

‘Later. First, we have a fair to organise. Apparently, I'm on the fair committee now but only as a spectator. Honestly, I have nothing to add to this.' Emily nodded hellos to everyone around the table in the snug. The doctor was there, Sal, Liam, Greta, Tam, a couple of women Emily didn't know and, well, of course, Jacob. Because why wouldn't he be here? That man. Always exactly where she didn't expect him to be. It was a rare talent he had.

He glanced at her and raised his eyebrows, a wry smile on his face. If he thought it strange she wasn't back in New York, he didn't show it.

Although she thought it was very strange indeed. She could barely believe she was still here. Somehow she'd caved in to Tam's very reasonable request, but she had so much to do in New York. Her work was piling up without her. Okay, Gez was capable, but very definitely a junior, and some of her accounts needed kid-glove management. None of which was relevant here, but was still very important to her. Whatever happened, she had to make sure she could keep all the balls in the air for the next few weeks.

And then there was Brett… She needed more than kid gloves to win him back.

‘So, I'd like to call this meeting to order,' Tam commenced. Because commenced was the most appropriate way to describe it. Whatever she did, Tam did it with gravitas.

To want people to respect her, because they didn't like her.
Emily's heart twisted a little, then she settled in, determined to be a spectator.

Thirty minutes later and they'd talked around in circles, focusing mainly on the minutiae of where the stalls were going to be, rather than the big picture. No wonder people were jaded – the set-up was exactly as it had been the last time Emily had guzzled down candyfloss and waited in line for a donkey ride, well over a decade ago.

People were shuffling in their seats, rolling their eyes as Tamara refused to allow any swerving from the traditional course. ‘It's what people expect. We can't go changing things –'

‘Actually, we can.' Emily couldn't control herself. ‘There's a whole new generation of people expecting new things. I've heard that attendance is dropping; you need to think of ways to attract a new audience.'

Buoyed on by the interruption, Greta put up her hand. ‘Emily has heaps of ideas. You should listen to her. She thinks we should invite famous authors and rock bands with flares and Jamie Oliver –'

‘I didn't specify which chef, to be honest. I'm not sure Jamie would be available in what…?' Emily did the maths. Yikes. When she'd changed her flights, the date had sounded familiar, but she hadn't realised she'd actually be here for the fair. ‘Four weeks? But we could definitely invite some local restaurants to do cooking demonstrations; they often go down well.'

‘And authors. Tell them about the authors, Em.' Greta was flushed with the same excitement she'd had the other evening at The Hall, and it was great she had confidence in Emily, but it clearly wasn't shared. Especially by Tamara.