The Secret Diary of a Princess a novel of Marie Antoinette (12 page)

'Why can't you just run away with Karl?' Carolina asked as I caught my breath in shock. 'Or have a baby? That is what the maids do when they want to marry someone and their parents won't allow it.'

Amalia stopped brushing and burst out laughing. 'Carlotta! You really
must
stop eavesdropping on the servants!' She looked at me, as I sat in the corner hoping that they would forget my presence and not order me away. 'Do not pay any attention, Antonia!' she admonished, waving the brush at me.

'Well, why not do it?' Carolina asked, more boldly now. Clearly her status as an almost married lady was going to her head. 'I am sure that Karl would be only too happy to oblige you.'
 

'Really, Carolina, you have been quite preposterous ever since Mama told you all about what goes on between men and women,' Amalia said, neatly evading the issue at hand. 'I do hope that you haven't imparted your new found wisdom to Antonia.'

'She would not tell me,' I interposed, unable to hide the note of disappointment in my voice.
 

They both started laughing at this and the rest of the preparations went on very happily indeed and just as they should, even if the groom was far away in Naples and we all knew that our brother Joseph would have to say his vows for him in the ceremony itself. It seems very odd, I know, but that is how things are done here and so, giggling, we went along with it with even Joseph laughing a little at the sillyness of the situation as he knelt beside his sister in front of the archbishop, took her plump, white hand in his and promised her all of his worldly goods.

'Do you
really
, Joseph?' I heard Carolina whisper with a soft laugh.

And then it was all over and Carolina was married and Queen of Naples and oh, it is very odd. I can hardly bring myself to look at her now as she already seems so different and not at all the sister that I have known and loved for all of my life.

Friday, 8
th
April.

Carolina came to my room late last night and climbed into bed with me. I rolled over and hugged her close as she cried in my arms. She leaves tomorrow.

We have always been together. How will I cope without her?

Saturday, 9
th
April, late, it is so quiet.

Carolina set out on her long, long journey to Naples early this morning. The cavalcade was quite superb and Mama had provided a new green painted carriage for Carolina's entrance into her new country, although Amalia says that it will hardly look as splendid at the end of the journey as it does at the very beginning.

All of her new clothes and shoes and gloves and stockings and jewels were packed up in enormous red leather covered trunks, with sprigs of rosemary and lavender and rose petals between the soft folds and then they were piled inside and on top of dozens of carriages and carts, which will follow my sister to her new home.

I went to her room early and after I had helped her maids dress her in her new pink velvet traveling dress with its matching, very jaunty little hat we sat for a long time on the edge of her bed and hugged before Joseph softly knocked on the door to let her know that they were ready to set off.
 

'Do not cry,' Carolina said gaily, wiping away my tears with one gloved finger. 'I will write as often as I can and you must promise to come and visit me as soon as you are able.' She embraced me again and we wept together for a moment. 'Oh, Antonia, I do not think that I can bear it!' she cried. 'I am afraid that my heart is going to break. We have never had to be apart before and now I am very much afraid that I will never see you again.'

Joseph sighed. 'They are waiting for you, Carlotta' he said as gently as he could and even I could see that he was greatly moved by our tears. She is the first sister that he has had to send far away to be married and will most likely not be the last. Our family is breaking up and we all feel it deeply.

Carolina gave me another kiss and then pulled away. She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand and pinned a bright smile on to her face, well aware that the eyes of all the court would be upon her as she stepped into her green carriage and drove away to her new life. 'I am quite ready now, brother.' She linked arms with me and together we walked down the corridor for the last time, pausing for a brief moment in front of a portrait of Josepha, who should have gone to Naples instead and then down the splendid staircase, which was still lined with orange trees in their bright silver tubs.

'Promise that you will write all the time?' she whispered as we stepped out into the bright Spring sunshine and faced our family and the entire court, which had assembled in the courtyard to see her off. 'I shall depend entirely upon hearing from you.' She turned to me and gave my fingers one last squeeze. 'Promise?'

I nodded, blinking back my tears. 'I promise.'
 

I stepped aside then as Mama and all of our brothers and sisters came forward to hug Carolina for what might well be the last time and kiss her on each pale cheek. She clung to Amalia for as long as she could and was sobbing again when Joseph took her by the hand and led her down to her carriage. 'Oh no, oh no,' I heard her whisper despairingly. 'Joseph, please don't make me go. I do not think that I will ever come home again.'

'Naples is to be your home now,' he reminded her as he handed her up into the carriage. 'God speed, sister.' He lightly kissed her hand and turned away with tears in his eyes, but before the carriage could pull away she impetuously threw the door open, jumped down and then ran past him, back up the marble steps and into my arms.
 

'Antonia!' We clung to each other, sobbing and kissing each other's wet cheeks. 'Don't forget me!' she whispered. 'Please.'

'Come now, Carlotta.' Mama stepped up and very firmly took Carolina's arm. 'It is time for you to go.' Her smile was kindly and Carolina turned and threw her arms around her. 'I know that this is hard for you, my dearest girl, but it is your duty to do leave us.' She kissed Carolina's cheek. 'You may be far away but never forget that our thoughts and prayers are always with you.'

'Yes, Mama.' Carolina allowed Joseph to lead her down the steps again, only this time she looked over her shoulder with every step and smiled at me, even though tears still poured down her cheeks. 'Goodbye! Goodbye!' Joseph helped her up into the carriage again and slammed the door shut, shouting: 'Go!' to the driver, who immediately cracked his whip over the heads of his team of fine chestnut horses.

We heard her cry out in distress as her carriage pulled away and then cantered out of the courtyard. I stood on the steps with Amalia and watched her for as long as I could, before finally I had to concede that there was nothing more to be seen and that she was really gone.

'One down, two to go,' Amalia said with a rueful smile as arm in arm we walked back into the palace.

Monday, 11
th
April.

How am I expected to endure a lifetime of this?

I keep thinking of things that I would like to say to her, only to realise a second later that I will probably never see her again.

The Countess says that I should write her a long letter but that just isn't the
same
!

Tuesday, 12
th
April.

I did not want to get out of bed but Amalia came to my room and coaxed me out from underneath the heavy embroidered blue woolen quilt that has been my nocturnal comforter since I was a very little girl.

'Come now, dearest one,' she whispered, hugging me close. She smelt deliciously of violets and lilacs. 'If you stay under there for any longer they will send Christina in to get you.'

'They wouldn't dare.' I sat up and stared sulkily at her from my sore, red eyes. 'Oh, Amalia, I feel so weak. I do not think that I am very well.'
 

Amalia sighed and placed one cool hand on my forehead. 'You do feel a little warm, dear heart,' she said with a concerned look. 'Did you sleep at all last night?' She gently stroked my hair away from my face and underneath her gaze and the softness of her touch, I found myself sobbing again.

'I am sorry,' I said, struggling for breath. 'I could not stop crying.' It was true. I had lain awake for most of the night, thinking about Carolina and wondering where she was and who she was with and if she was frightened or excited about her new life.

Amalia nodded. 'It must be very hard for you, as you have been together for so long,' she said while dabbing my face with a fine lavender scented muslin kerchief that she pulled from her bosom. 'I was very fond of Johanna and remember feeling much as you must do now when she died. You do not remember of course but we were very close. I loved Josepha as well, of course.' She sighed and gave my face another wipe with her kerchief before saying quietly: 'I think though that if I had the choice between never seeing a sister again because she had died or never seeing her again because she had gone away to be married, well, I know which one I would choose.'

I felt very ashamed and this only served to make me cry even more. 'You are right, Amalia, but still it is very hard.' I thought of Josepha as she had been on that last day, when Joseph had carried her in his arms and Carolina and I had crept down the corridor to her room. 'I have never forgotten her,' I whispered.

'No, I don't suppose that any of us ever will,' Amalia replied with a smile. 'She was loved by us all which is, you know, a rare thing indeed in a family such as ours.'
 
She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. 'I know that it is hard, my darling, but I promise that it will all become easier with time.'

Thursday, 14
th
April, I am late for a harp lesson.

I have had a letter from Carolina. It is very short but she does not sound unhappy. I wept over it, of course, but it makes me feel so much better to know that she is alive and well and relatively cheerful.

I also had a lovely surprise this morning when my maids came to get me dressed for the day. Instead of the plain blue silk dress that I had asked for, they brought me a lovely new yellow silk dress with pink ribbons tied in big bows all down the bodice and at the elbows. A present from Amalia. Isn't that sweet?

'There, that is much better,' she cried when she saw me walk into the sunny yellow breakfast room, where she was breakfasting alone on hot chocolate and delicious, flaky pastries. 'I thought that a pretty new dress would bring some of the roses back to your cheeks.' She put down her cup of hot chocolate and ran around the table to give me a quick hug, enveloping me in her familiar, sweet scent of lilacs and violets. 'I have been so worried about you, darling.'

I smiled and embraced her. 'Thank you,' I said, lowering my voice as one of the footmen came forward to pour some of the deliciously thick hot chocolate into my cup. 'I feel like there is only us left now.'

Amalia gave a wry smile and went back to her chair, which was opposite mine. 'You are right of course.' She gave a sigh and then shrugged her shoulders and laughed. 'Ordinary people must think that being a princess is very wonderful indeed. Tragic isn't it?'

Sunday, 17
th
April, after Mass.
 

I am supposed to be having some time to myself for what the Countess calls 'quiet reflection'. I do believe that she expects me to sit here and dwell on all of the bad things that I have done this week before whipping myself up into a hysterical frenzy of remorse and begging for forgiveness. Instead, I shall sit here and eat an apple while writing in my journal.

The Countess also says that in Versailles, it is considered completely unacceptable and positively uncouth to show one's feelings at any time. 'Even the death of one's husband should be treated as a minor inconvenience and no more. Any display of grief or other sentimentality is regarded as most unbecoming.'

'If that is true, then I do not think that I should like to live there,' I retorted, feeling rather annoyed by their ridiculous affectations. 'I think that it sounds immensely disagreeable.'

The Countess gave a small, icy smile. 'I rather thought that you would feel that way, your Highness,' she replied. 'I myself have always thought that there is a lack of decorum and an unpleasant tendency to gross sentimentality at the Imperial court.' She always says 'sentimentality' as though it is something very disgusting indeed. 'Modern manners are so very lax.'

I lifted my chin a little. 'I do not agree,' I replied. 'I think that it is utterly charming when people talk about how they really feel and behave as naturally as possible. I think that I myself shall always do so, whether others like it or not.'

'All
I
think is that it would be better if you were to hide your precious feelings a bit better in front of the French ambassador,' she snapped with a look of sheer exasperation. 'He already thinks that you are too immature to be sent to France, don't make him think that you are an ill bred hoyden as well.'

Monday, 25
th
April.