The Secret Place (48 page)

‘Not without dropping herself in the shite as well.’

‘Sure she could. Put the video on a memory stick, post it to McKenna. Or upload it to YouTube some weekend, e-mail the school the link. McKenna might guess who made the video, but she couldn’t prove it.’

Conway was nodding, thinking fast. ‘OK. So Joanne gets the video, takes it to
.
.
. who? Not Selena. Joanne’s got more sense than to give a job like that to a spacer like her.’

I said, ‘And Selena wouldn’t’ve done it anyway. She was mad about Chris; she would’ve been grand with getting expelled for his sake.’

‘Right. Romeo and Juliet, middle-class version.’ Conway was concentrating too hard to get her snide on properly. ‘If I was Joanne, I wouldn’t go for Rebecca, either.’

‘Nah. Too unpredictable; she looks all meek, but I’d say she’d be more likely to lose the head and tell Joanne to fuck herself than to take orders off her. And Joanne’s good at gauging people, or she wouldn’t be the boss bitch. Not Rebecca.’

Silence, while the rest hung waiting in the air. Conway said, when someone had to, ‘Joanne said she had a chat with Julia, told her to make Selena back off. Maybe that’s not all she told her to do.’

Julia. The eyes of her, watchful. The way she’d jumped to protect Selena. The slam of stillness when she’d seen that postcard.

Conway said, ‘Julia knew about Joanne’s secret phone. I can’t see any reason why Joanne would let her in on that. Except to show her what to look for.’

The silence came back bigger and stronger. Said it for us: neither of us wanted it to be her.

I said, ‘Julia’s got better sense. Getting expelled isn’t the end of the world.’

‘Wasn’t where we came from, maybe. It is for most of this lot. You should’ve seen the faces on the Colm’s guys when they heard Finn Carroll was out. They looked like he was
gone
gone, like they’d never see him again; they were practically as upset about him as they were about Chris. You know what they think? Schools like this are the whole civilised world. Outside, it’s wilderness. Teenage mutant skanger smackheads selling your kidneys on the black market.’

I could see it. Didn’t say it to Conway, but I could see so clearly. Thrown out of here would feel like thrown over a wall into blackened rubble and air made of grime. Everything gone; everything golden and lit, everything silken, everything carved in delicate curlicues to welcome your fingertips, everything made to chime in sweet spacious harmonies: gone, and a flaming sword to bar your way back forever.

Conway leaning back against the wall and watching me at a slant, through those streaks of warrior hair. One dark eye, hooded.

I said, ‘Let’s see the rest.’

The texts between Chris and Selena started on the 25th of February, and they were different. No flirting, no sexy talk, no wheedling for pics; none of that feel, speed and fever.

Hi

Hi

That was it, their first conversation. Just feeling the other one there.

Over the next couple of days they started telling each other stories. Chris’s class had made some gadget that beeped at random intervals, stuck it under a desk and watched their Irish teacher lose his mind. Selena’s class had been messing with Houlihan’s head by inching their desks forward, too gradually to spot, till she was practically pinned against the blackboard. Small stories, to make each other laugh.

Then – carefully, step by step, like they had all the time in the world – they moved into personal stuff.

Chris:
OK so this wknd I get home n my sister’s cut her hair in one of those emo fringes. What do I do??

Selena:
Depends, does it look good?

Chris:
Actually not bad
.
.
. or wouldn’t be bad if she’d got it done at the hairdresser instead of doing it herself with nail scisors :-0

Selena:
LOL! Then take her to the hairdresser + get it done right!

Chris:
I might actually do it :-D

Late-night texts, typoed, hurrying in the jacks or texting blind under covers. Chris’s sister loved her pro haircut. He and his friends got locked at someone’s brother’s party, shouted insults at some girl on their way home, Chris felt guilty about it in the morning (
Sooo complex,
Conway’s eye-roll said,
such a sensitive soul
). Selena wished her dad and her mum would talk when one of them dropped her off at the other’s place; Chris wished his parents would stop talking, because they always ended up yelling. They were getting close.

Feeling their way closer. Chris:
Nothing intelligent to say, was just thinking about you

Selena:
That’s mental, I was just going to text you to say I was thinking about you

Chris:
In fairness I think about you alot so not that crazy of a concidence

Selena:
Don’t be like that

Chris:
I know sorry. I actully mean it. It just comes out sounding fake

Selena:
Then don’t say anything. You know you don’t have to say stuff to me right?

Chris:
Yeah. Just I don’t want you thinking this doesn’t matter to me

Selena:
I won’t. I promise

Nothing like Chris’s flirtations, overused words from telly scripts, with empty space underneath. This was something else; the real thing, confusing, thrilling, script going out of the window. Sappy stuff, once-in-a-lifetime stuff, stuff to make you cringe and break your heart.

I said, ‘You think he’s faking that?’ Got that hooded dark eye again, and no answer.

Then, from Chris:
I wish we could talk properly. This is stupid.

Selena:
Me too

Chris:
We could try meeting after school in the field or in the park??

Selena:
Wouldn’t be the same. Like we said before. And someone would see us

Chris:
Then somewhere else. Like we can find a cafe in the other direcion.

Selena:
No. My friends would want to know where I was going. I’m not going to lie to them, this is bad enough

Conway said, ‘This isn’t like with Joanne and the others, where Chris wants to keep them under wraps and they’re pushing to go public. Selena wants to stay on the down-low too.’

‘Like we said: she knows at least one of her gang wouldn’t be happy.’

‘Julia knew Chris was a dog. And Holly didn’t like him one little bit.’

In the second week of March, Chris found the answer.
Ok guess what. Finn worked out a way we can get out at night. If you can still do it would you be on for meeting up? Don’t want to get you in trouble, but I’d love to see you

Silence for a day, while Selena tried to decide. Then:

I’d love to too. Have to be late like 12.30. Meet me at the back gate of Kilda’s and we can find somewhere to talk.

Chris, fast and bubbling over:
Yeahhhh!!! Thursday?

Selena:
Yes thursday. I’ll text you if I can’t get out. Otherwise see you there

Can’t wait :-)

Same :-)

The meetings started and the texts changed. Got shorter, less of them and less to them. No more stories, no families and friends and deep feelings and daydreams.
Hi :-)
and
Tonight same time same place?
and
Can’t, thurs?
and
Yeah see you then
. That was it. The real stuff had grown too huge and too powerful to fit in little lit rectangles; it had come alive.

Noise from the fourth-year common room, roll of thuds like a heap of books tumbling. Conway and I whipped round, ready, but it vanished under a burst of laughter, spattering like bright flung paint, too hard.

And then the bit we’d been waiting for.

April 22nd, Chris and Selena arranged to meet, just like we’d thought.
Same time same place. Can’t wait.

That night, the video. The kiss.

Early the morning of April 23rd, Chris texted Selena.
I’m going to get in trouble cos I cant stop smiling :-)

Before school, Selena got back to him. Epic text.
Chris I have to stop meeting you. I promise it’s nothing you did. I should never have met up to start with but I genuienly thought we could be just friends. That was really really stupid. I am so sorry. I know you won’t understand why, but if this hurts you, maybe it will help to know it hurts me so much too. I love you (another thing I should never have said).

Conway said, ‘What the fuck is she on about?’

‘That doesn’t sound like a rape victim,’ I said.

She shoved stray hair out of her face with the heel of her hand, hard. ‘Sounds like a nutter. I’m starting to think Joanne and them were right about this lot.’

‘And it doesn’t sound like Selena wanted time to think, the way she told us. The way that reads, she’d done all her thinking already.’

‘Why the fuck shouldn’t she go out with Chris? You’re so in love with each other, you go out together. Tell the world. Simple. What’s
wrong
with these people?’

Chris came back fast and wild.
WTF?!!!!? Selena wgats going on??? If th4s isnt Selena then FUCK OFF. If it is then Selena we have to talk. Same time same place??

Nothing.

After school:
Selena if you want to be just freinds then we can do that. I thought you wanted to or I would of never even tried you know that. Please can we meet tonite. I swear I won’t even touch you. Same time same place I’ll be there.

Nothing.

Next day he was back.
I waited for you like a fucking plank til 3am. Swear to God I would of bet my life that you’d come. Still can’t believe you didn’t.

A couple of hours later:
Selena are you serious about this? I don’t get it what HAPPENED? If I did something wrnng I’ll do whatever you want to aplogise. Just tell me what the fucks going on.

That evening:
Selena you have to text me.

Nothing.

The Thursday, the 25th of April, Selena finally texted Chris.
1 o’clock tonight. Usual place. DON’T text me back. Just come.

‘That,’ Conway said, and tapped her screen, ‘that’s not Selena.’

I said, ‘No. Selena would’ve said, “Same time same place”, like they always did. And there’s no reason why she wouldn’t want him to text her back.’

‘Right. Someone else didn’t want him answering, in case Selena saw the message.’

‘She didn’t worry that Selena would spot her text? One night Selena gets a bit nostalgic, has a look back through her old chats with Chris, and all of a sudden she’s going,
Hang on, I don’t remember writing that.
’

‘Mystery Girl didn’t leave it on the phone. Wait for it to send, go into the Sent folder, delete.’

‘So,’ I said, ‘Selena’s texts after the breakup, Chris wasn’t ignoring them because he was in a strop with her. He was just doing what he was told.’

Conway said, ‘Some of the time, he was. Not all. Look at this.’

Five days later, 30th of April, Selena’s phone to Chris’s:
I miss you. I’ve been trying so hard not to text you and I don’t blame you if you’re raging with me but I wanted you to know I miss you.

I said, ‘That’s the real Selena again. Like she told us, she couldn’t stand to cut him right off.’

Conway said, dryly, ‘He’s got no problem cutting her right off. No answer. He was ignoring her, all right. Chris hadn’t got what he wanted, for once, and he wasn’t happy.’

I said, ‘Here’s the other thing about that text. It says Mystery Girl didn’t actually nick the phone. She used it when she needed it, then put it back in Selena’s mattress.’

Conway nodded. ‘Joanne and her lot didn’t have that kind of access – even if they knew where Selena kept the phone, and how would they? Whoever set up that meeting lived in that bedroom.’

Almost a week later, 6th of May, someone using Selena’s phone texted Chris:
I’ll be there.
No answer.

I said, ‘They’d already set up the appointment; Mystery Girl’s just confirming. Chris must’ve shown up, the week before.’

‘Yeah. But that time, he went because he thought he was meeting Selena. This time, he knows he’s not. And he’s going along anyway.’