The Secret wish List (7 page)

Ankit seems to be taken by surprise but recovers in a jiffy and hugs me right back. I nuzzle my neck in his shoulders. I feel wonderful with him. Then he begins kissing me and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. He kisses my forehead and cups my face in his hands. He looks into my eyes and I am entirely lost in them. He bends forward, his lips meet mine and his hands begin to play with the buttons of my shirt as he kisses me. I am ecstatic and so taken aback by how natural it feels. I am frightened too but not frightened enough to want him to stop.

It feels like heaven has been revealed to me. Ankit’s arms slowly creep around my waist and the contact of his bare hands on it is a sensation that takes me by complete surprise. It feels like some molten lava has exploded inside me. I am unable to think and we begin kissing each other passionately. I forget everything but his lips on mine and his arms around my waist. His kisses are so hungry, so demanding and I cannot help but be carried away by the urgency and fervour of this all-consuming passion that has engulfed us now.

So wrapped are we in each other that we do not hear the crunch of gravel behind us. It registers as a sound coming from some great distance. And then, suddenly, there is a light shining right on our faces and we hastily pull apart. I blink a few times and look in the direction of the light.

My blood freezes when I finally make out the forms.

It is Mrs Rao, Rohan, Tanu and Anusha standing there and glaring at us.

Rohan’s face is black with rage. Tanu looks aghast. Mrs Rao looks thunderous and Anusha looks shocked.

I stand there, staring dumbly at them, feeling horrified, guilty and so darn ashamed, not knowing what to say.

I have no clue then what is to follow.

I want all of this to stop. I want to turn back the clock. I do not want to be discovered like this with Ankit, that too by Rohan and Tanu. My head is spinning at the implications of it.

But to what extent and to what degree, I have no idea. My life is about to take a nasty U-turn with a bend so sharp that everything else goes out of focus. I am hurtling down a slope at full speed without any breaks.

All I know is that I am doomed.

Seven

I
HANG MY HEAD IN SHAME
. I
REALLY DO NOT
know what to say or do. Ankit looks embarrassed. He stares at the ground. He isn’t able to meet Rohan’s eye.

Rohan walks up to him and, before my horrified eyes, punches him so hard in the gut that Ankit swaggers and doubles up in pain. This cannot be happening. It is like a scene straight out of a movie. Rohan then says to Mrs Rao, ‘I want to talk to her in private. Ma’am, please excuse us.’

All of us are too shocked to react.

He holds me by my shoulders and marches me off towards the amphitheatre.

I feel like a criminal being led to jail. I do not want to face Rohan. I want the ground to swallow me up.

The amphitheatre is lit by the moonlight, and the tall trees surrounding it make it look almost magical. I can’t help thinking that it is ironical that my brother is confronting me in this place where Ankit and I were supposed to meet.

‘What the fuck is this?’ asks Rohan without any preamble.

‘I am sorry. I didn’t mean to. I... I… We got carried away,’ I stammer.

‘You s
tupid
girl. Do you have any idea what you are doing? What were you thinking? Sex in the moonlight? You
fucking slut
,’ he spits out the words.

They hit me like a hundred needles shot straight at my chest.

I am speechless at the language my brother has just used. He has never ever spoken to me like that.

There is a lump in my throat and I am not able to speak. Tears stream down my cheeks.

‘What the hell are you crying now for? What is your fucking excuse? That you
love
him? How foolish can you be? Don’t you know, guys will say anything to score with a girl? I am so ashamed of you. And that bastard Ankit. I am his friend. Arrrgh,’ he roars and kicks the ground hard.

I do not know what to say. I am utterly ashamed.

‘We will deal with this when we get back home. You have let not only me down but also Dad and Mum. How could you behave like this, Diksha?’

I am sobbing so much that I am unable to answer.

We march back in silence.

Mrs Rao, Tanu and Anusha are waiting to escort me back. Ankit is nowhere to be seen.

Mrs Rao looks at me with eyes that seem to have turned into stone and says, ‘Diksha, you are in serious trouble. This is most irresponsible behaviour. How could you sneak out like that? Disgusting.’

She succeeds in making me feel like a worm.

She escorts us back to the dorm and I see that the shutters are now open and there is a security guard staring curiously. Mrs Rao asks Anusha to keep an eye on me.

They are treating me like a criminal who will escape. How did they get to know? Who told Rohan? Who woke up Mrs Rao? How did they know where to find us? Who opened the shutters? All these questions are swarming in my head but I am too shamed, too frightened to even speak.

‘Diksha. Listen,’ whispers Tanu.

But I do not reply back. I do not want to talk to anyone. I bury my head under the pillow and yank the blanket over my head and sob, replaying my brother’s words over and over. I wonder what Ankit is doing. Can what my brother said be right? Was Ankit just saying stuff to me to ‘score’ with a girl? Was all the time that we spent together false? It definitely didn’t feel so. It felt so wonderful.

Till then the possibility that Ankit could have been lying just to get into my pants (even as I think about it, I wince at my thoughts) had not even occurred to me. But the way Rohan put it is making me think about it. But more than that, I am terrified about what is going to happen once we get back home.

‘Hey, Diksha. Are you okay?’ Tanu whispers again. I pretend not to hear.

I lie quietly in bed, but sleep eludes me. It feels like the longest night in my life. Sometime towards dawn I doze off.

The next thing I know, I am being woken up by Tanu and I am still in a daze.

I sit up slowly, feeling completely disoriented. Then the memories of last night’s happenings come back to me all at once and I don’t ever want to wake up. I just want to go back to bed.

‘Diksha, I tried to protect you. I did. But Anusha found the notes crumpled in your bag,’ says Tanu.

What she says takes two whole minutes to sink in. Anusha
searched
my bag?
How could she?

‘How? And why did she search my bag?’

‘She saw you and Ankit passing notes to each other in the bus. I think she waited for the right moment to strike. Personally, I think she has some kind of a crush on Ankit and was jealous of your exchanges. That is what I think.’

‘God,’ I groan. This was worse than I thought.

‘She saw you go out, Diksha. Then she woke me up and asked me where you were. I said you had gone to the loo. She said she knew I was lying and then she started going through the contents of your bag. It seemed like she knew exactly where to find the notes. She read them and insisted I go with her to Mrs Rao’s room. Mrs Rao marched to the boys’ dorm and woke up Rohan. The rest you know.’

I sit on the bed with my head in my hands. I don’t want to get out. But Tanu urges me to forget it for a while and accompany her for breakfast. We also have the exhibition today. There is work to be done, we have to set up our model and prepare to explain our project to the visitors.

As we go and join the queue for breakfast, I feel all eyes are on me. There is a sudden silence when Tanu and I appear. My ears burn and I go red. Instinctively, I know that the news about last night’s happenings has spread and that they are all talking about me. I see many students turning to look at me as though to say, ‘There—there is the girl who was caught kissing that guy.’

But what I do not know then is the power of rumours. They spread like wildfire. I somehow get through the day, hiding behind Tanu for most of it. She handles our model and does all the explaining. I am in no mood or state to do so.

Ankit is with the other boys at their exhibits. I catch him looking at me several times, but I turn away.

Our school wins the overall trophy for the best exhibits. Tanu’s and my display also wins a prize for the ‘Most innovative and well-constructed’ model. But I feel no happiness. The events of last night have cast a big black shadow over everything. All the success at the exhibition pales, withers, shrivels up and becomes meaningless as my brother’s face and words keep coming back to haunt me. The more I try not to think of it, the more those thoughts rush in and surround me, drowning out everything else.

That evening, we leave for our school. It is almost as if I have become an outcast overnight. None of the girls other than Tanu want to even talk to me. They stare and whisper among themselves.

Mrs Rao watches over me like a hawk. She orders Ankit to sit in the last seat and I am made to sit right in front. As though Ankit and I will begin to kiss in the bus or something.

I feel miserable and scared, but a part of me is angry too. Is kissing a guy you like so wrong that I am being treated like I killed somebody?

Tanu reminds me that I have to accept that we live in a very conservative city like Chennai. It is definitely against Indian culture. She says it may be okay in the West. But even in the West, it is most certainly not permitted when you are on school time. What you do outside school is perhaps your business. She says that what I did was undeniably wrong.

I know that she is perfectly right, but am too upset to accept it yet. I ignore what she is saying and tell her that I am sorry and do not want to talk. I thank her for being a great friend. Then I bury my head in a book for the rest of the journey.

But the worst is yet to come.

Once we get back home, Rohan narrates the entire episode to my parents in detail. My father is furious with me. My mother starts weeping.

I feel even more miserable than I already am when I see her crying.

‘Ma, please don’t cry. Nothing happened,’ I try to console her.

‘How can you even say that, Diksha? How could you behave like this? I feel that I have failed in raising you. If I was not able to instill a little bit of culture in you, what was the point of all these years of my parenting? I have really gone wrong somewhere. And you have the guts to say nothing happened?’ My mother’s voice comes out raggedly, as though saying it all hurts. Perhaps it does.

‘Ma, everyone is acting like we had sex or something,’ I say and at that moment my father steps forward and slaps me hard across my face.

‘DON’T YOU DARE SAY A WORD. Look at her guts. She dares talk back after all that she’s done. Didn’t you think of your family even once?’ His eyes are blazing and he is breathing hard.

His is burning wrath. I am terrified just looking at him. His voice is ringing in my ears. This man standing in front of me does not seem like my father at all. It is as though he has transformed into a beast.

I am stunned by the slap. My cheek stings with pain. My father has never hit me as far back as I can remember.

My hands begin to tremble and tears roll down my cheeks again.

‘We are pulling you out of that school. No more co-ed for you. We will see what can be done,’ he says with an air of finality.

I am shocked by this pronouncement. What are they going to do? Where are they going to send me? I do not want to go to a different school. I like my school and my friends. The thought of not seeing Ankit again makes my heart go heavy.

Later, that evening, I beg and plead with my mother. I apologise a thousand times. I tell her I am terribly sorry and to please not send me to another school.

But her heart is as hard as stone and she does not melt. No amount of pleading or apologising works.

‘Diksha, sixteen is an age where you have to be careful. You don’t even know what you are doing. We are your parents. We know what is best for you. Leave it to us,’ she says with an edge in her voice that is alien to me.

My parents’ attitude towards me has completely changed. Rohan is told that none of his friends can come home now.

‘Like I am going to call that bastard home anymore,’ mutters Rohan under his breath.

When I go back to school the next day, it seems as though the whole school is talking about me and Ankit.

All the seniors, the juniors, and even the staff. Everywhere I go, there are hushed whispers.

‘Tanu, what am I going to do?’ I ask her

‘Don’t worry, Diksha, it will die down soon,’ she says and squeezes my hand. I feel very grateful to her. I tell her what my parents said about sending me to another school.

Tanu is shocked.

‘Surely, they can’t mean it?’ she asks in disbelief.

‘I don’t know, Tanu. My mother sounded as though she did. They have even banned Rohan from inviting his friends home.’

‘I feel so bad, Diksha. If I hadn’t written all that silly stuff in Ankit’s book, all of this would never have happened.’

‘No, Tanu. It isn’t your fault. Ankit and I met many times after that. I knew fully well what I was doing. Or at least I thought I did. I downplayed it as I thought you might get hurt. I like him so much, Tanu. In fact, I love him. I feel so happy when he is around. But I should have controlled myself. I am so silly. I deserve all this,’ I say

‘Hey, don’t be so harsh on yourself. He too pushed you into meeting him, didn’t he? Why should he be excused? Just because he is a guy? That is so not fair. You can’t blame yourself alone.’

I don’t know what to tell her. So I hug her and she hugs me back.

I just think to myself, how lucky I am to have her support.

Within the very first hour of school, I am summoned to the Principal’s office. I am jolted to see both my parents sitting there.

‘Diksha, whatever happened is unfortunate. You have fine parents and you come from such a cultured family. Your parents have decided that sending you to another school is the best option. We will be completing all the transfer formalities within this week itself. You have a bright future ahead of you. Do not get into bad company like Ankit. His family background is not too good and that boy is nothing but trouble. I personally think your parents are doing a wise thing,’ says Mr Shetty, the school principal.