The Secrets Between Us (3 page)

I was too tired to deal with Laurie. Sicily felt safe. It felt distant. It felt like a bubble, and I would have been happy to stay there for ever.

CHAPTER FIVE

THEN SUDDENLY EVERYTHING
changed. The lead in the film Neil was working on collapsed on set and was hospitalized. The official line was that he had suffered heat stroke but Neil suspected it was more serious than that. The actor was flown back to America, the film was put on hold and Neil was free to go back to Manchester.

That meant May and I would have to leave, too. We only had a few days left, and Sicily became even more precious to me. I could not bear the thought of leaving.

On one of our last evenings we decided, for a change, to eat at the hotel. May and I went down together. The terrace was illuminated by fairy lights and candles in the necks of empty wine bottles centred on the tables. Large, pale moths danced in the areas of light and then disappeared. The swimming pool glowed an artificial blue in the black garden and far away across the bay the lights of isolated villas and farms twinkled like stars. I stood for a moment and gazed out. Moonlight trickled on the sea and a small boat bobbed along the coastline, dropping nets by lamplight.

Neil was waiting for us at our table. He stood when he saw us and smiled.

‘Hello, you,’ he said, and he stepped forward to take my
sister’s hands. They kissed quietly, and without fuss, and I looked at my feet.

When they drew apart they were still smiling into each other’s eyes like lovers who hadn’t seen one another for years, rather than the twenty minutes or so they had been apart. It wasn’t their fault, but their intimacy humiliated me.

We sat down, scraping the metal feet of the chairs on the paving slabs. Within moments, a waiter was at our table, putting down a chilled glass jug of iced water, a little wicker basket of bread and a bowl of flavoured olives.

‘How did work go?’ I asked Neil. ‘Did you get everything you needed?’

‘More or less.’ He pulled a sardonic expression. May and I exchanged smiles. Neil was always self-deprecating but I knew he was good at his job. There was a big demand for the stories he generated, which weren’t always the kind Laurie approved of. Sometimes there had been friction between the two men when they met at family gatherings or social occasions. I’d tried to stay neutral, but had felt I ought to side with Laurie, out of loyalty. Having dinner with Neil every night in Sicily had made me realize what a gentle, funny person he was. I was glad my sister was married to such a lovely man. I wished I’d realized sooner.

He and May began to talk about something else, some friend of theirs who was having family problems. I tried not to listen to their conversation. I concentrated on watching people come and go inside the hotel. My eyes followed an incoming couple, a frail man wearing a fedora and a younger man – his son, perhaps – who accompanied him. They exchanged a few friendly words with the concierge, picked up their key and walked over to the elevator shaft. As they did so the lift doors slid apart. Out stepped a small boy with large ears. It was the little boy from the pool, Jamie. I hadn’t seen him since that day. He was wearing clean but crumpled trousers and a T-shirt that was rather too big for him. He
looked as if he had been woken when he would have rather slept on. Behind was his father, wearing jeans and a baggy shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Alexander was followed by a tall, smart, skull-faced man in a cream linen suit who carried, under his arm, a leather case, about the size of a laptop.

The two men stopped in the foyer. The skull-faced man patted Alexander on the back and they spoke privately for another moment, their heads close together, and it was clear from their faces that their discussion was serious. Jamie sank against his father’s thigh and tugged at his shirt. Eventually, the men pulled apart. Alexander took an envelope from his pocket and gave it to the other man. He opened the envelope, looked inside, shook hands with Alexander, ruffled the top of Jamie’s head, and left.

Alexander watched him go and ran a hand through his hair. He looked exhausted. I could see the child’s mouth moving. He pulled his father’s hand in frustration and the man looked down at him as if he had forgotten he was there.

He checked his watch and had a word with the concierge. She gestured towards the garden, suggesting they ate in the hotel restaurant. I watched as they came through the glass doors. The maître d’ went over to them. He shrugged his shoulders apologetically, turned the palms of both hands towards the sky and raised them. What could he do? All the tables were taken or reserved.

I saw Jamie’s face fall. He sank a little into himself. The poor child was tired and hungry, and I couldn’t bear the thought of him having to wait any longer to eat. It was late enough already.

I glanced at May and Neil. I wanted to ask if they’d mind, but they were still engrossed in one another, so I took matters into my own hands. I stood and crossed the terrace, between the tables and the overhanging lights, to where the man and boy stood. I steadied myself against the back of a chair, cleared my throat to attract their attention and said:
‘There’s room at our table. You could join us, if you like.’

Alexander turned to look at me. I could tell from the slight dilation of his eyes that he remembered me. I pressed my fingers into the cool wood of the chair.

‘No,’ he said. ‘Thank you, but no. We’ll walk along the road. We’ll find a pizzeria.’

‘But I’m hungry now,’ said Jamie.

‘There are plenty of places near by.’

The maître d’ raised his eyebrows. The closest restaurant was a couple of kilometres away and the roads were unlit, without pavements, and were racetracks for Sicilian young-bloods in the dark.

‘Dad, my legs are
tired
.’

Alexander glanced at me then over to our table.

‘We couldn’t intrude …’

‘It would be no intrusion. It’s just me and my sister and brother-in-law.’

He opened his mouth to raise another objection.

‘It’s up to you,’ I said.

The waiter, tactfully, studied the list attached to his clipboard. The boy swung on his father’s hand and pleaded. He said he was going to die of hunger. He said he didn’t want to walk another step. He said Mummy would have given him something to eat by now. That seemed to be the deciding argument.

‘OK,’ said Alexander. ‘If you’re sure, Sarah.’

I was surprised he remembered my name, but I said yes, I was sure, and took them to the table.

May and Neil looked up and exchanged glances as we approached.

I introduced everyone and explained how I had met Alexander and Jamie at the pool and that there was nowhere else for them to sit. May said, as I had known she would, that of course they should join us. She said it would be lovely to have some company for a change. She made such an effort
to make Jamie feel welcome that I knew she was thinking about his missing mother, and I wanted to hug her.

May, Neil and I shifted our chairs a little to make room. The waiter brought more cutlery, bread and water and, after a few moments, we all settled in our new places. I felt a little nervous. I sat up very straight and couldn’t think of anything to say.

Jamie slumped down in his chair and put his thumb in his mouth. He seemed different from the self-assured little boy I’d spoken to in the pool, much younger and more vulnerable. Alexander said: ‘He’s ready for bed. It’s my fault – we’ve driven a long way today and we haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast.’

‘Where’ve you been?’ asked Neil.

‘Inland. I had some business to attend to.’

‘Oh yes?’ May asked, but Alexander didn’t elaborate.

‘You’ve been away for a while,’ I said quietly. ‘I haven’t seen you in the hotel.’

Alexander nodded.

‘Over a week,’ he said. ‘But I’ve done all I can now. We’re here to relax for a couple of days before we fly home.’

‘It’s a beautiful spot,’ said Neil.

‘It is.’

‘I’m hungry,’ Jamie whined.

May smiled fondly at the boy and said she always hated it if she didn’t eat, especially after a long drive, and Jamie frowned.

‘I was bored. Dad was talking to this stupid man for ages,’ he said.

‘That’s normally my prerogative,’ Neil said, ‘talking to stupid men.’

‘And I
told
him I was hungry,’ said Jamie.

May pulled a sympathetic face.

‘But still they kept on talking. And they wouldn’t let me sit with them on the balcony.’

‘Oh dear.’

‘They were drinking beer. And the man was smoking. My mummy says smoking makes you die.’

‘Eat some bread,’ Alexander said. ‘Here, you can dip it in the oil.’

‘I don’t like oil.’

May smiled.

‘You’re here on your own?’ she asked innocently.

Alexander nodded.

The table shook. Jamie was swinging his feet, kicking the table leg.

‘Jamie, stop that,’ said Alexander.

‘Mummy’s gone away,’ Jamie said. ‘She went away and she hasn’t come back.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ May said.

‘She didn’t want to live with Dad any more because he was so mean to her. That’s what my Grandma Ginny says.’

Alexander put his hand on Jamie’s knee.

‘Stop it,’ he said, more sharply.

‘And now Daddy’s always cross and we never have proper dinner and everything’s shit.’

‘Enough.’

Just one word, and Alexander did not raise his voice but he said it with such authority that I caught my breath. There was a silence. Even the insects seemed to go quiet. Jamie stopped kicking and looked up at his father. The man looked down at the boy. They held one another’s gaze. I hoped the child was not going to cry. I noticed Alexander’s fingers were trembling, casting shaky shadows on Jamie’s knees.

‘What shall we have?’ May asked breezily. ‘I fancy a pizza.’

During the meal, Neil and Alexander talked about their work. Neil played down the high-profile aspects of his career to draw out Alexander, who told us he was a stonemason who ran his own business. He shared Neil’s passion for geology and they had a mutual admiration for many of the
classical Greek and Roman architects. They discussed the ancient buildings on Ortygia, and Alexander was interested in hearing which had been modified with false façades or other artifices for the film. I tried to engage Jamie, but he made it clear he did not want to talk to me. Still, it gave me pleasure to watch him eat. He wolfed down his pasta and then fell asleep, curled up like a puppy in his chair, orange-coloured sauce smears all over his cheeks and chin. Alexander covered him with his fleece and then he and Neil resumed their conversation.

I listened attentively, but Alexander gave away very little about himself outside his professional life and did not mention the gone-away wife. He didn’t say where he and Jamie had been for the past week or so either, nor did he elaborate on the ‘business’ to which he’d had to attend. The less he said, the more I wanted to know. I had ordered spaghetti alla Norma. The tomato and aubergine sauce was peppery and delicious, but it went cold on my plate because my attention was with Alexander. Waiting staff moved around us like ghosts, bringing food, pouring wine, clearing dishes. The other guests faded into the evening, the murmurs of their conversations dissolving into the night air. It felt as if we were on our own little island at the table. May dabbed her lips with her serviette and undid the button on her trousers. The top of her arm was wide, cream-coloured. I rested my face against her shoulder and felt safe in the talcum and vanilla scent of her. From that pure place I looked across the table to the darkness that was Alexander. He swallowed his wine and sliced his calf’s liver. He ate his meat before his vegetables, enjoying it like a true carnivore. He must have sensed me watching him, because he looked over.

‘What about you, Sarah? What brought you here?’ he asked as he wiped his plate with a piece of bread.

This time, when he said my name out loud, I jumped.

I’d been asked this question several times in Sicily and thought I’d become immune to it, only now my cheeks burned hot. May stepped in to explain, as she always did. ‘I invited Sarah to join us, to keep me company while Neil was busy working,’ she said. ‘I know how lucky I am to come to these lovely places with my husband, but it can get awfully lonely for me, being on my own all the time.’

Alexander nodded.

I was grateful to my sister, but felt compelled to put the record straight. I wanted to be honest with Alexander, even though the truth was awkward.

‘Actually,’ I said, ‘my partner has been having an affair with a friend of mine, and May and Neil went to a lot of trouble to arrange for me to come out here for a break, so I could get away from them both.’

My voice sounded strange, brittle and panicky. May tensed. Across the table I saw Neil’s smile fade into an expression of discomfort. Had I spoken too loudly? Had I said too much?

‘Sarah’ – May whispered so quietly that the word was really just a breath in my ear – ‘don’t …’

I pretended I hadn’t heard her and smiled brightly to show that I had not said those things because I wanted, or expected, sympathy. I took a good drink of wine and exhaled, a little shakily.

‘Oh.’ Alexander gave no indication of being either surprised or sympathetic. ‘So you’re here to decide whether to swallow your pride?’

He looked at me. I saw the waxing and waning flame of the candle reflected in his eyes.

‘Nothing’s decided yet,’ said May. ‘Sarah needs time to think.’

I wound my serviette round my fingers.

‘You can’t go back,’ Alexander said. He was looking
directly into my eyes. ‘When something like that happens, you should never go back.’

The waiter came to take our plates and May turned the conversation to less controversial matters. I stayed silent. I sipped my wine. I thought about what Alexander had said.

Until that moment, there on the restaurant terrace of the little Sicilian seaside hotel, I had not seriously considered leaving Laurie for good. I hadn’t seen it as an option and I was certain he hadn’t either. I’d assumed, as everyone else assumed, that there would be an awkward few months of reconciliation culminating in some kind of reordering of our lives. Laurie would make some grand gesture. Perhaps we would marry or move house; perhaps we would do what everyone said we should do and try for another child to help us move on from the one we had lost. None of these alternatives cheered me. The future with Laurie was like a hill I was too exhausted to climb.