The Secrets We Left Behind (31 page)

*

‘I’m glad it was a false alarm,’ Jo said as they stood at the sink, he washing the dishes, she drying. ‘I thought we were ready, but when those pains
started tonight, I was bloody petrified.’

Scott handed her a dripping plate and began washing another. ‘Why petrified? We
are
ready, aren’t we? I mean, there’s nothing else we need to buy or prepare, is
there?’

‘I know, but I mean
mentally
ready. It made me think, that’s all. There’s so much that could go wrong—’

‘I thought we’d been through all—’

He was cut short by Eve calling from the living room; her waters had broken.

They took it in turns to sit with Eve. Her labour kept stopping and starting, and each time it stopped, she fell asleep quickly and slept deeply, as though soaking up sleep and
storing it like a camel storing water. Even though the contractions kept easing off, it was fairly clear that the birth would happen soon. While Eve was awake, even though she was in pain, they
were able to stay calm and focused, but it was Eve who reassured them rather than the other way round.

Eve was sleeping again now, but Jo felt restless and couldn’t concentrate on her book. She paced up and down the room, trying to still the frenzied movement of the butterflies in her
stomach. Scott came back with two cups of nettle tea, but when he saw how agitated Jo was, he sat down and rolled a joint. ‘Here,’ he said. ‘Go and have a few tokes of this.
It’ll help you calm down.’

Jo hesitated. ‘I don’t know. We need to keep a clear head, don’t we? I mean, what if . . .’

‘It’s not very strong,’ he said. ‘I’m saving the good stuff until afterwards.’

She took the joint, grabbed her long cardigan and went outside for some fresh air. It was a mild night, still and quiet with a big, fat full moon, bright enough to cast shadows on the deserted
street. She walked to the end of the road, sat on a wall and looked out across the town, which lay sprawled in front of her with no tall buildings to interrupt the view. It was almost three in the
morning so there were hardly any lights on in the houses, but it was still a pretty scene. The golden lighting around the castle, the moonlight making a carpet of silver on the dark water, and the
little orange pinpricks of artificial light coming from the houses that stood facing this way and that on the staggered levels of the town.

Scott was right, the joint wasn’t strong at all; she didn’t feel spaced out or giggly, just pleasantly calm and even; able to face what lay ahead. As she walked back along the silent
road, a movement to her left made her jump, despite her sense of tranquillity. It was a seagull, silently worrying at something under the hedge. There was a squawk and a flutter of wings and
another seagull appeared, screeching and flapping its wings at her. The two seagulls flew off and she crouched down to look under the hedge. When she saw what was there she jumped back; it was a
third seagull, obviously dead and with blood on its chest and wing feathers. It had probably been run over. But what had the other two been doing? Surely not trying to eat it? She shuddered and
walked back towards the house.

Eve was having contractions again and was sitting up, hanging on to Scott’s arm and making a long, low sound as she rode the wave of pain. When it passed she flopped back on the pillows,
exhausted. ‘My God,’ she said, managing a brief smile. ‘No wonder they call it labour.’ She paused to catch her breath. ‘I think you two had better go and scrub up.
It’s definitely happening this time.’ They took it in turns, thoroughly soaping their hands and arms up to the elbows, and they both put on the brand-new cheap cotton nightdresses they
were using as gowns. Now it was actually about to happen, they’d fallen silent, perhaps each wondering what the hell had made them agree to this in the first place.

It was only another few minutes before the next contraction, and this time Eve grabbed both Jo’s arm and Scott’s, shouting, ‘Lift me up, lift me up, lift me up.’ Jo
wasn’t sure how they were supposed to lift her considerable bulk but between them they managed to get her up high enough for her to pull her legs around so that she was kneeling rather than
lying down. Jo remembered a conversation they’d had about it being unnatural and more difficult to give birth lying on your back. ‘Eve,’ she said, but Eve had her eyes closed and,
although it was clear that the last pain had passed, she seemed to be gearing herself up for the next one. ‘Eve,’ she said again, ‘what position do you want to be in? Do you want
us to try and stand you up?’ But Eve still didn’t answer, just sagged against Scott’s shoulder with her eyes closed. Her face was drawn and pale; she looked drained.

Jo looked at Scott. ‘Do you think she’s all right? Is this normal?’

For the first time since he’d come home, Scott looked worried, too. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘It’s not like I thought it would be. Eve, are you okay? Evie?
Say something to me, babe, please.’

She opened her eyes and looked at him, but as she was about to speak her face contorted. Jo placed her free hand on Eve’s belly. The intensity of the contraction surprised her.
‘Bloody hell – feel that!’ Scott put his hand there as well but then Eve pushed both their hands away as she struggled to cope with the pain. ‘Oh, shit!’ Scott said, a
note of panic in his voice. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit! We’re supposed to be timing them, aren’t we? I forgot. I completely forgot to time the fucking contractions.’

Eve let out another long, low cry and then slumped again, breathing heavily. ‘Don’t panic, you idiot,’ she said. Jo had never heard her talk to Scott like that before.
‘That’s only so you can tell if I’m actually in labour, and I think it’s pretty obvious, don’t you?’

‘Oh right. Sorry.’

When the next pain came, the sound Eve made was like nothing Jo had heard before. Jo and Scott looked at each other. ‘Shall I go to the phone box?’ Jo said.

But before Scott had time to answer, Eve had pushed them away and thrown herself forward so that she was on all fours. ‘Don’t,’ she yelled. ‘No ambulance. I can do it I
can do it I can do it.’

Scott stroked her hair. ‘Okay, shush; it’s okay, Evie.’

‘It’s coming,’ Eve said, and began pulling her nightdress up and making a deep rumbling sound, almost like a growl.

Jo tried to remember what she’d read. She looked at Scott, but he had his arms around Eve’s back, supporting her while she gripped his shoulders. Then she heard Eve’s voice in
her head saying what she’d said again and again when they’d discussed this.
Just be there, Jo. You shouldn’t need to do anything but catch the baby as it’s born.
And
there was the baby’s head, a mass of black hair and a scrunched-up purple face.

‘Not too fast,’ Eve was telling herself. ‘Gotta pant.’

Panting helped the mother avoid the urge to push, Jo remembered from the book,
giving the attendant time to check that the cord isn’t around Baby’s neck.
‘It’s all
right, Eve.’ Jo tried to keep the tremor out of her voice. ‘It’s safe to push.’ She grabbed one of the new cotton towels that lay folded up on the table. ‘I’m
ready.’ And with another long grunt of effort, Eve pushed her baby into the world and then collapsed, exhausted, onto her side. Tears sprang to Jo’s eyes as the little purple child
slithered into her waiting arms. ‘It’s a girl!’ she announced, crying and laughing at the same time and completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.

‘Hello, baby!’ Eve cried, and then she and Scott were both crying and laughing too. But the baby hadn’t made a sound yet, and was a still a deep purplish colour. The sound of
laughter died away as it dawned on everyone that she wasn’t breathing.

Whether Jo was remembering something she’d read or whether she was acting on instinct, she didn’t know, but she laid the baby over Eve’s bare legs and began rubbing her back
with a rough towel and saying over and over, ‘Come on, baby, breathe for your mummy; come on, sweetheart, come on.’

After a moment of seeming both stunned and bewildered, Eve pulled her daughter towards her, opened her nightdress and held her child to her breast while keeping up the massage that Jo had
started. ‘Come on, my gorgeous, darling Lily, please breathe.’ After what felt like hours but was in fact no more than thirty seconds, the baby made a choking, spluttering sound and let
out a long ragged cry, at the same time as her skin turned from purple to pink, at last filling up with life.

Jo couldn’t help herself; she burst into tears which she made no attempt to check. It wasn’t only relief at what had just happened, it was also a release of all the tension of the
last few months. She sobbed like a child for a few moments, aware that, although Eve and Scott were in tears too, she was the only one who was making a noise. She felt so much better afterwards;
perhaps this was what was meant by ‘a good cry’. Soon, the tears abated and all three of them were smiling broadly. She watched as Scott cut and tied the cord and tenderly placed the
baby in Eve’s arms.

As she looked at the little family, Scott with his arm around Eve’s shoulders and the two of them gazing in wonder at their child, she felt the tiniest flicker of loneliness.

*

It took a bit longer than they’d expected to deliver the placenta, which Scott then wrapped in newspaper and took outside to bury in the garden. Eve had mentioned the idea
of cooking and eating it – something she’d read about in one of the natural-birth books – but Scott and Jo had thought the idea revolting and had talked her out of it by
persuading her that burying it in the vegetable patch would at least make good use of the nutrients.

After drinking what she said was the best cup of tea of her life, Eve fell into a deep sleep, her hand still resting on baby Lily who was sleeping in the crib next to her. Jo gently lifted
Eve’s arm and tucked it back under the covers, then she and Scott collapsed next to each other onto the settee at the other end of the room, tired but exhilarated. ‘Wasn’t it
amazing?’ Scott kept saying, keeping his voice low so as not to disturb Eve and the baby. ‘And so fucking beautiful! Man, I just can’t get over it.’ Jo agreed that it was
the most awe-inspiring thing she’d ever seen in her life. The amount of pain had shocked her a little, but the way Eve dealt with it, and the way she instinctively knew what to do . . . it made
her even more of a goddess.

Scott sighed, a happy sigh, then turned to look at her, right at her. ‘You were great, Jo,’ he smiled. ‘Thanks. It was a lot to ask.’

‘I was terrified something would go wrong.’ Jo sighed too, tipping her head back and looking at the ceiling. She hadn’t noticed before how beautiful that old cornice was; such
a shame it was damaged. ‘When you think of all the things that could have . . .’

‘You worry too much. It was all cool, wasn’t it?’

Jo felt a flash of irritation. Hadn’t he been worried too? ‘Scott, did you even read that book? The baby could have been breech – bum first or even feet first; the cord could
have been round her neck; her shoulders could have got stuck. And what about Eve? What if she’d needed a Caesarean? What if she’d haemorrhaged? What if she—’

‘Jo, Jo, Jo! Keep it down, man – she needs to sleep. And relax. None of those things happened; it all went well. We have a lovely little daughter – you have a lovely little
almost
daughter – we should be celebrating. In fact—’ He held up a finger indicating she should wait and tiptoed out into the hallway where she heard him rummaging in a
carrier bag. ‘Here we are.’ He opened two bottles of cider and passed one to her. ‘Not champagne, I’m afraid.’

Jo smiled, took a swig from the bottle, then another. It tasted so good after the rigours of the night; it might as well have been champagne.

‘Tell you what I have got, though.’ He took a small bag of grass out of his jacket pocket and held it up. ‘I have it on good authority that this happens to be the finest
marijuana in Sussex. It’s a bit trippy, apparently, but I reckon we could both do with a treat.’

‘What about the baby?’

‘She’s too young.’ He chuckled as he took Rizlas and a pouch of tobacco from his pocket. ‘Sorry, couldn’t resist that. It’ll be okay; we’ll just keep it
down this end. I think they’re going overboard with all this scaremongering, anyway. My family has always smoked and it hasn’t done them any harm. My dad still smokes weed and even my
grandad smokes twenty Weights a day, and he’s over eighty.’ He reached for the cover of
The Dark Side of the Moon
and rested his hands on it while he rolled one of the biggest
joints Jo had ever seen. Normally, she’d probably have refused anything ‘trippy’, but she didn’t feel like her normal self, she felt elated, excited; a little bit reckless.
Eve was always saying she should open herself up to a wider range of experiences. ‘What the hell,’ she said, taking a deep draw on the joint and immediately feeling the room spin.
‘Wow.’ She lay back against the cushions. ‘That’s really strong.’ Her legs started to buzz and she felt a bit sick. She needed to get to the loo, but when she tried to
stand, her legs crumpled beneath her.

Scott helped her up and sat her back on the settee. ‘You okay?’ He smiled. ‘Powerful stuff, isn’t it? Nice, though. Makes your legs float. Probably best to stay sitting
down. Just lie back and let it take you where it takes you.’ He took another toke, tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He was still smiling as he passed the joint to Jo again. She took
a smaller toke this time, but automatically drew the smoke down and held it in her lungs. As she did so, she watched Scott’s smile grow wider and wider until it couldn’t possibly fit on
his face any more, but stretched out across the whole room, curling around Eve’s bed and enfolding her and the baby as though his lips were actually big pink arms. Jo started to giggle; it
was obviously the grass that was making her see things, but she’d never experienced anything like this before and, now she’d stopped feeling sick, she was fascinated, and drew on the
joint a couple of times before passing it back. She looked across to where Eve was sleeping with the baby next to her, but she could see her face close up, as though she were right next to her, and
as she peered at Eve’s face, she saw that her eyes had become two little diamonds, turning circles and sparkling away. Jo chuckled, although she didn’t know whether she’d chuckled
out loud or just inside her head. Her body had shut down to allow her mind to break out, and she had the sensation that her mind was a mischievous entity that had finally been released from
captivity and was determined to have some fun.