The Seeds Of A Daisy: The Lily Lockwood Series: Book One (Women's Fiction) (33 page)

“Please stay home. Get your rest. We still have time. Tomorrow, I am sure, is going to be a trying day for you. I will certainly call you if anything changes.”

I thank her, release my death grip on Robbie’s hand, and hang up.

I relay the message, and Robbie looks genuinely pained. “I’m here for you, Lil, whatever you need.”

My feet feel like lead. It’s a struggle to lift them up the stairs. When I get to the second step, I remember the real-life vision with my Mom that I’d recently had. I turn and ask, “What day is it tomorrow?”

“Wednesday,” he replies. I walk up the steps with a better understanding of what the nurse is trying to tell me. I fall into bed. My heart is racing and I know, even though I am dead tired, that I will have a hard time sleeping.

Everything feels like it’s moving in warp speed and I can’t slow it down. What am I going to do without my mother? How can I live in a world without Daisy? A surge of grief and loss, like a huge wave, overtakes me and I am swept away. I feel helpless and am drowning in sadness.

I feel an emptiness, an actual physical emptiness—a tremendous void that I have never experienced before. For the first time in my life, I am truly alone. All I can do is lie on my stomach, bury my face deep in mother’s pillow, and sob.

There is a knock at the bedroom door.

“Lily, are you all right?” Robbie sounds worried. “Can I come in?”

I’m in a full-blown ugly cry and can’t stop my tears or nose from flowing. In between sobs and gasps, I hiccup uncontrollably.

The door slowly creeks open and I hear Robbie’s footsteps as he walks over to the bed. I turn over and sit up. He hugs me, and the floodgates opened even wider.

I weep while he rocks me. I can’t control myself. I don’t even try. Finally the tears slow down and then dry up.

He looks worried. I wipe my face and say, “Robbie, I wish you had known my mother, how wonderful she was and how she sacrificed so much for me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. If you want, I’d like to hear about her.” He gets me a glass of water and I tell him everything. I tell him about the diary I found, and about how I was able to get a really clear picture of the hardship she suffered as a child. How she’d met and lost her true love, David’s father. How she raised me as a single mother; what a crazy and funny woman she was, and how much I admire and love her.

He listens to it all. At times I see tears in his eyes, and more than once he laughs hard when I tell him about my mother’s antics and adventures. He asks a few questions, but mostly listens. He lets me speak until I am depleted. There’s nothing left to say and I am an emotional rag doll.

Incredibly, I feel better, lighter, than I have in days.

“You could fill a book on what you know about your mother, Lil. And can’t you see that all those wonderful memories and stories will keep her alive forever?”

I am drained, but that empty void feeling has diminished.

“Will you stay and sleep next to me?” I ask him.

“Of course I will. Just lie down and relax.” He plumps my pillow and pulls the covers over me, takes off his shoes, and is careful to lie on top of the covers, next to me. He strokes my hair and tells me that he’s there for me and he isn’t going to leave, not as long as I need him. I fall into a deep sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I turn to him and lay my head on his chest. While I was asleep, he took off his shirt and got under the covers.

His breathing is even and I know he’s in a deep sleep. I feel him stir, and with his eyes still closed, he tenderly strokes my hair. Without a word, he kisses the top of my head. My heart is beating so hard and fast that I think it very well may catapult out of my body.

Taking a deep breath to quiet my nerves, I stroke and kiss his chest.

We are both fully awake by this time, but neither one of us utters a word. We don’t have to. It is clear what is happening; words would shatter the almost mystical feeling that is building in that moment.

Robbie kisses me and pulls me on top of him.

He takes his time; his lips are soft, and his kisses start out tentative, but become deep and passionate. His capable hands find their way under my nightgown and he gently lifts it over my head and tosses it aside. His mouth never leaves mine as he caresses my neck and back. His hands skillfully travel down my body and rest on my bottom. He squeezes and pulls me in to him. My body immediately responds. With ease, he gently lifts and turns me so that he is on top. He tantalizes my breasts with his mouth, flicking his tongue over and around my nipples. I am on fire; I arch my back, wrap my legs tightly around him and draw him into me. He pulls back, looks into my eyes; he smiles at me and slows way down. He lifts his hips away from me and when he moves back, his body just barely touches mine. He teases me, plays with me, almost entering, then pulls away. He does this over and over again, until I am in a red-hot frenzy and can’t take anymore. All the anger, sorrow, and frustration that I’ve been
feeling the last week fuels me; I finally pull him into me hard. The moan that escapes from me is a sound I have never heard myself make before, almost as if it comes from the very depths of my soul.

We have no names, no thoughts, no words, no agendas; we are just hands, tongues, and slippery bodies crashing together in burning waves of yearning and desire. At this moment in time, nothing else matters.

I
jump when the alarm rings at seven a.m. I keep my eyes closed, just for a few seconds, and replay the lovemaking from the night before and smile. Then, I remember the phone conversation I had with my mother’s nurse the night before. It’s going to be a rough day, and I’m anxious to be with my mother.

I roll over and see that I am alone in bed. I get up, put on my robe, and tiptoe into the bathroom to see if Robbie is there. He isn’t, so I walk to the other bedroom to see if he’s in there getting dressed. The bed is made and there is no sign that he had ever even been there. I go to the top landing and call his name. No answer. I look out the window. His car is gone. He actually left without saying goodbye. Not even a polite thank you. Just split, like that. What an ass! I feel like a jerk.

I can’t believe how dumb I am, thinking he’s different than most guys. How could I have slept with him like that? I leap back into my mother’s bed, pull the blanket over my head, and shout, “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”

What the hell was I thinking, going to bed with him? What an idiot! My mother is dying. This may be her last day on Earth. Who does something like that? “Stupid, stupid stupid.” I shout even louder.

“Having a bad morning already?”

I throw off the blanket. Robbie is at the bedroom door holding a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee in his hand.

I am mortified. “I thought you left without saying goodbye.”

He walks over to the bed, hands me a cup of coffee, and says, “I wouldn’t do that. I was serious when I told you I’ll be around as long as you need me. I’m not planning to go anywhere right now.” He smiles, “Except to pick you up a cup of coffee. The donuts are on the table.”

He sits on the bed next to me. “Last night was amazing, Lily; the dinner, talking by the fireplace, being with you—everything. I want you to know that I think you’re terrific.”

I realize I am actually holding my breath. I let out an audible sigh of relief. “I feel the same way, Robbie.”

“I called my hospital and explained the situation here, with David and your Mom. I told them I wanted the leave of absence that’s scheduled to start in a couple of weeks to start earlier, so I could be with you through…all this. If you want me, I mean.”

I jump up and hug him. “Of course I want you here. Thank you, thank you so much, Robbie.”

He kisses me, and again I feel that jolt of pure electricity zigzag through my body.

“I’ll drop you off at the hospital so you can be with your mother. I’ll pick up some clothes and meet you back there. Sound good?”

I nod. “Robbie, could you maybe pack a big bag with enough clothes so you can stay a while?”

“Sure will.”

I get into the hot shower and let the spray cover my body. I place both my hands on my stomach, knowing it won’t stay this flat for too long. How can I do this? Should I tell him? How should I tell him? What will he think of me? It’s easier not to think about it. Best to deal with it later on. Robbie will be leaving in a few weeks anyway, and will be gone for nine months. The timing is perfect. I can imagine him, after saving lives in the bush for almost a year, coming straight from the airport to see me. I answer the door, wearing spit-up-stained clothes and pink curlers in my hair, holding my newborn baby who is screaming his lungs out. He’ll most likely turn right around, get into his car, go to the airport, and fly back to Africa, where it’s safer! I laugh out loud and let the water fall into my mouth. I spit it out. Yeah, best not to think too far into the future; best to just concentrate on being with my mother today.

Robbie walks with me into the hospital and goes with me to my mother’s room; I like that he is being protective. Jamie was my first real boyfriend, and
he was anything but protective. When I was with him, I needed someone to protect me from
him
.

When we get into my Mom’s room, her breathing is more shallow and faster than the day before. And when she exhales, there is a rattling noise, sort of like the sound of two marbles being rubbed together.

“What is that sound? Should I get the nurse?” I ask.

Robbie walks over to my mother, touches her arm, and gently lifts her hand to look at her fingers and nails. I noticed they are tinted blue.

“It’s saliva that’s accumulating because she’s not swallowing. I’ll turn her head. That should help some.”

I am trembling. “Will it…will it be soon?” He nods and puts his arm around me. I put my head on his chest and cry. The nurse comes in and checks my mother’s blood pressure and pulse.

“If you need anything, Lily, I’ll be right outside at the station,” she says, patting my arm as she walks out.

“Lily, do you want me to sit with you for a little while? I don’t have to go right now—I can pick my things up later on.”

“Robbie, I think I want to be alone for a bit. Go, get your things and come back soon. David should be out of dialysis; I think he and I ought to be here together for a while. Don’t you?”

“Absolutely. I’ll be on my cell if you need me. I won’t be long.” He kisses me and leaves the room.

When we arrived at the hospital earlier, I told the guard at the reception desk downstairs that the only people allowed to visit are Auntie D., Tommy, Fernando, and Robbie. This is not the day for anyone outside of the family to be here.

We had called David from the car. He was in dialysis, but Hannah answered. I told her it would be a good idea for David to come to my mother’s room when he was done, and that he should probably come as soon as he can. I heard her gasp; then she recovered and told me she would pass the message on to him. She said she was so very sorry and thanked me for letting Robbie stay over so he didn’t have to drive the couple of hours back to the city. I smiled as I told her it was my pleasure. I was sure she couldn’t imagine just
how much
pleasure it was!

I close the door, turn out the lights in the room, and pull the curtain around my mother’s bed.

I kiss her cheek and put one of her favorite Billie Holiday CDs on the portable player. The rattling has gotten louder. I hold on to my mother’s hand and know there is something else I need to say to her, something I’d been totally avoiding up until that moment.

“Mom, you have been the very best mother anyone could have. I love you so much and I’m honored to be your daughter. Mom, it’s time for you to go. You can leave now. I’ll be all right. I don’t want you to worry about me; I really mean it. I have people here who will help me. And my baby will know all about its wonderful grandma. Gram is waiting for you; she’ll take good care of you now, Mama. And you’ll be with Steve again. You’ll finally be together.”

There is a knock at the door. I pull open the curtain and see David in his wheelchair. He looks pale and extremely fragile. Hannah is behind him. I ask them to come in. Hannah kisses me and says she doesn’t want to intrude. She tells David to call her when he is ready to go back to his room, and she’ll come get him.