The Shortstop (26 page)

Annie

“She’s stable. Blake says she’ll be ready for visitors tomorrow. It’s Christmas. She needs love surrounding her.”

“I still can’t believe it. She’s very lucky.”

Their conversation filters around me, but I’m barely paying attention. My thoughts are consumed with Quint. This will surely push him further over his self-destructive cliff. My heart breaks for him. How much can one person take?

“Annie.” My mom pulls me back to their conversation.

“Oh, I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“I’m sure Charlotte will understand if you wait to see her when she gets home.”

“You don’t think I should go?”

My parents exchange a glance. “Honey, we feel that you’re finally moving on.”

I want to be angry with them, but they’re right. The possibility of running into him does terrify me. The distance between us has helped my wounds begin to slowly scab over. Seeing him will be like a knife slicing them open again. But…I can’t hide from him forever.

“Mrs. Lawson is like a second mom to me. In spite of our breakup, I’d expect him to be there if something were to happen to either of you.”

She nods, but I can tell she doesn’t agree with me.

“We’re bound to see each other sooner or later. His parents live next door.” My argument sounds brave, even to my own ears. Coming face-to-face with Quint would be the worst form of torture.

“Better later,” Mom quickly replies. Her frown softens to a warm smile when she sees my face. “I’m sorry. Sleep on it. You can decide in the morning.”

Sleep did little to settle my qualms. I dreamed of our last Christmas. It felt so real. When he leaned closer to kiss me, I could feel his lips on mine. I could hear his laugh. I haven’t dreamed about him in a while. I woke aching from head to toe.

The day drags on as I debate whether I’m strong enough to see him. I decide to run over there, see his mom, and quickly leave. Mom packs up dinner for the Lawsons, offering an explanation as she does. “No one should be subjected to hospital food, especially on Christmas. Have you decided, honey?”

“I’ll meet you guys there. I’ll probably leave sooner than later.”

“We’ll be right behind you,” Dad says as I head out the door.

The way he says it makes me know he’s not referring to their physicality. “I know,” I respond with a smile.

The ride over gives me time to mentally prepare what I’ll say, or even how I’ll react. Like ripping off a bandage, I need to get this over with.

The bouquet I hold trembles, causing the crisp cellophane wrap to fill the elevator with rustling sounds. The sound of my heart pounding in my ears almost cancels out the noise. I feel panic rising from the pit of my stomach to the back of my throat. I need to hold it together. I must hold it together.

The doors open to Charlotte’s floor. My eyes automatically sweep the hall, hoping he isn’t out there. Relief settles me slightly when all I can see are nurses, doctors, and other patients moving about. It’s a false sense of security because I’ll be seeing him within seconds anyway. I move painstakingly slowly down the hall toward her room. Before stepping in, I drag in a deep breath. I don’t have any faith in myself. I just know I’m going to lose it in front of him. I hate that I will, but based on my current state, it’s unavoidable.

After a few deep breaths do little to calm me, I step into the doorway to get this over with. The curtain around her bed is drawn, and I can hear Quint’s voice.

“Mom, I’m so sorry.”

“How could you do that to her? That lie devastated her, Quint. You made her think the worst of you, of her best friend. You destroyed that girl, and now you’re telling me it was all a lie?” Her voice cracks when sobs take over.

“She wasn’t leaving me. I needed to push her away. I couldn’t give her happiness. I no longer could promise her a happy life.”

“And making her think you slept with her best friend was your brilliant plan?”

“Charlotte! Please calm down.”

“Dad’s right. I regret telling you. I should have waited. But you scared me. I needed you to know the truth in case…”

Silence fills the air.

“In case what? In case I died?” she asks quietly. After a pause, she then says, “You’re my son. I will always love you. Nothing could ever change that. No matter how you act or what you do. There is one other person who loved you unconditionally. She would love you under any circumstance. You lacked faith in her.”

“I couldn’t force her to live with my misery.”

“I told you, son, that wasn’t your choice to make.” Mr. Lawson’s voice now fills the room. “You need to tell her.”

“She’ll never forgive me.”

“Again, that’s not for you to decide. That’s up to her.”

“Can I help you, dear?”

I jolt around at the sound of a woman’s voice.

“Um…no. Sorry.” Panic-stricken, I turn to leave just as Mr. Lawson appears from behind the curtain.

“Annie.”

Hastily, I thrust the bouquet toward the nurse and run down the hall. I can’t believe what I just heard. I can’t believe the lengths he went to in order to push me away. The hurt resurfaces full force, slamming around in my chest like a pinball. Blinded by tears, I have no idea how I manage to get from the hospital to my car without killing myself or anyone else in my path.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Once the shock wore off, once I got past the fact he completely threw our relationship away like yesterday’s trash, anger took hold like a virus attacking my internal organs. Billy called just after I got back to my apartment. He knew immediately something was wrong. He threatened to come up. I lied, claiming I was fighting the flu.

Embarrassment stopped me from being honest. What a fool I was to think I meant the world to Quint. How could I tell Billy I meant so little that he could concoct a horrific lie just to ensure I got the message? Quint’s lie affects Billy as well. It affects Daphne. The list of Quint’s victims is growing.

My doorbell ringing worsens my mood. Knowing it’s either Billy or my parents, I debate ignoring it. I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone right now. Whoever it is begins to bang on the wood.

“I’m coming!” I say before yanking my door open. My heart flips at the sight of Quint standing at my door.

“Annie.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you.” He stops the door from closing with the bottom of his crutch. “Please.”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“I know. I have a lot to say to you. Please, just hear me out.”

“Haven’t you hurt me enough?” I start to cry, hating myself for showing him the slightest bit of emotion. He doesn’t deserve my tears.

“Please. After tonight, I won’t bother you again.”

Angrily, I swipe away my tears and stand aside to let him in. He hobbles in slowly, taking in my apartment as he does. Except for my roommate’s pictures and knickknacks, there is nothing personal to me. I stand defensively in the corner, waiting for him to take a seat. Once he does, I choose the chair farthest away.

“How long have you been here?”

“Um, let’s see. How long ago did you allegedly sleep with Daphne?”

“Annie.”

“What!” I glare at him from across the room. “How did you get here?”

“I took a cab. Your parents gave me the address.”

Fucking traitors. The same people who have been relentless in their attempts to take my mind off him.

I need to fight the urge to ask any questions. He steadily meets my gaze, further torturing me. Just as I’m about to ask him to get to the point, he says, “You wouldn’t leave me. No matter what I said, you refused to leave me.”

Emotion clogs my throat, making it difficult to reply in my normal voice. “Because I loved you.”

“Loved?” I want to lie, but I can’t. I still love him. I’ll always love him, even though he doesn’t deserve my love. At my refusal to respond, he nods. “I was afraid of that. I still need to tell you why I lied.” The anger I felt earlier resurfaces as I wait for his pathetic explanation. “I thought I needed baseball to be happy. I predicted I’d face years and years of misery. I wanted more for you, better for you. You only deserve happiness. I honestly felt I could no longer give that to you. I was wrong to push you away, Annie. I was so, so wrong. My mom’s heart attack made me realize that.”

He gauges my reaction to his words, frowning when my face remains emotionless. Inside, I’m anything but emotionless. I’ve been hoping to hear these words for months. I fear it’s too late. When I look at him, I no longer see the man I would walk through hell for. I see the man who hurt me.

“Annie, I love you. I never stopped loving you.”

“But not enough. You made it very clear that you didn’t love me enough. I wasn’t enough to make you happy, or to help you get through your hell.”

“You were enough. You’re all I ever wanted. I was so angry that I lost sight of what was most important to me. I was spiraling out of control, and while falling all I could think about was taking you with me. I couldn’t live with myself if I ruined your life. I couldn’t stop myself from ruining it. It ripped me in half, only adding to my physical pain. I honestly thought I was sparing you and doing the right thing. You need to believe me,” he pleads. His intense stare is too much. I look away, wanting to hide from the pain I see in his eyes. If I stare long enough, that pain will break me. When I refuse to look at him, he repeats my name. “Annie.” Petulantly, I turn to meet his eyes. Tears swell in his eyes, and he lets them fall. “Do you still love me?”

“I think you should go.”

“Annie.”

“Please, I need you to leave.”

He stands slowly, but instead of walking toward the door, he comes closer to where I sit. I stiffen when he grips my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes. His touch alone almost breaks me. I’ve missed his touch so much. With his crutches balanced under his arms, he reaches into his shirt with his other hand. Slowly, he pulls out a silver chain that holds my engagement ring.

“I’ve worn it every day since my mom gave it to me. I’ll wear it every day until the day I die. The only reason I’ll remove it from my neck is to return it to you. I’ll wait. I’ll wait an eternity for you.” He slowly caresses my cheek and turns to leave.

Quint

Being home in one word—agony. My childhood bedroom holds too many memories. So many times Annie and I fooled around on this very bed I’m lying on. My bedroom window faces hers. When we first started dating, we’d open our blinds, sit on the phone, and stare at each other well into the early morning hours. Sometimes, I’d sneak through her window in the middle of the night to hold her while she slept. I’d trade my soul to hold her now.

It’s been one week since I went to see her. I haven’t heard from her, nor did I expect to. Regardless, I keep sending the same daily text: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” If she were to tell me to leave her alone, that she didn’t love me, or that she never wanted to see me again, then I’d stop. She hasn’t. She just remains silent. The only indication of what she’s truly feeling came from Billy. He appeared on my doorstep unannounced. One look at his face and his clenched fists, and I expected a fight. He would have won, because I wouldn’t have punched back. He asked one simple question. “Why?”

I explained as best I could. I didn’t expect him to understand my motives. The only person I need to understand them won’t speak to me. Regardless, I still need Billy’s forgiveness. Things will be strained between us for a long time to come. All I have is time, and I’ll wait.

He admitted that Annie was an emotional wreck. That’s the last thing I want. I decided to stop texting her and head back to New York. Nothing holds me here, except for Annie. I fear that once I leave, the distance between us will further deepen the crack in our splintered relationship. Desperation almost had me going back to her apartment to try again. But I won’t. She needs to decide. That’s been the main issue all along. I fucked up by deciding what I
thought
she needed. I need to sit back, let her decide, and respect that decision. I know she still loves me. I’m not dumb enough to believe that’s enough to get her back. Sometimes love isn’t enough. I broke her trust. I broke her heart.

One by one, I need to mend my other relationships. I already apologized to her parents, to Billy, and to Daphne. I owed her that. Her reaction surprised me. Out of everyone I wronged, she’s the only person who understood why I did what I did. She forgave me. We talked for a long time. She admitted that she has been seeing a therapist. She met someone and is trying to move on. They’re taking it very slow. The situation changed her as a person. She hopes Annie will forgive her someday. Most importantly, Daphne is taking the steps she needs to forgive herself.

I need to do the same. For months, I couldn’t see past my own recovery. The world literally stopped, suspended in a constant state of wait. It’s time I grew up and acted like a man. My next surgery will bring with it more pain and more intensive therapy. The possibility of returning to the game is still slim to none. Nothing much has changed in that regard. I’ve been waiting for a miracle that will never come. Once I decided to fully accept my fate, I found peace.

Finally taking the advice I received after my injury, I approached the Yankees
for a position within the organization. Ironically, it was Daphne who suggested sportscasting. I may not be able to play ball, but I can be involved in some way. A switch has been flipped in my brain. For the first time in months, I can see clearly. I have a goal and a light at the end of my tunnel that’s not from an oncoming train.

Tomorrow I go back to New York, but tonight we celebrate New Year’s Eve. I hope to spend the night reconnecting with my parents, filling them in on my goals, undoing the hurt I caused. My surgery in a few days makes me anxious to mend physically and mentally.

Until I plaster the cracks in my heart and repair the holes in my foundation, I can’t expect Annie to want to be with me. Why would she want to come back to a damaged structure? The tornado I wasn’t expecting completely leveled me. I need to rebuild from the ground up. Once I do, I’ll wait for her to come back to me. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d wait an eternity. If she never does, well, then I’ll just continue to live with the pain.

“Wow, no argument? What have you done to the Quint Lawson that we all grew to love so much?”

“Screw you,” I reply with a sarcastic smirk. Lance laughs at my ire. “I can handle whatever you dish out, Mr. PT-man.”

He nods while still grinning. “Excuse me, I just need to see if the sky fell outside or if an asteroid is plummeting toward the earth.”

“You’re such a prick.”

He claps a firm hand on my shoulder. “I’m among good company, my friend.”

“Why are you in such a good mood? Did you torture one of your patients to death? Kill a puppy?”

He releases another hearty laugh. “Nope. I’m just happy to see my number-one, pain-in-the-ass patient finally cooperating. Now give me two lengths on the bars. Move it.”

He’s right; cooperating wasn’t my forte. With surgery number two behind me, piece-by-piece my fucked-up life is falling into place. I’m back at my condo, and for the first time, it feels like a home. The month of January has been the longest month of my life. I no longer had anger, resentment, drugs, or alcohol to excuse for my despicable behavior. The first thing I did when I got home was become a proud member of AA. I have one month of sobriety under my belt. No pain meds, no alcohol, and even no pot. I treated pot as an exception to the rule. It still prevented me to be the man I was.

My dad’s been calling every day. Mom’s health continues to improve. They see the Webers often. Mrs. Weber has been a godsend, delivering meals and grocery shopping. Life between the best friends is back to normal. Suspiciously, the only topic left out of their recaps is Annie.

Billy and I speak a few times a week. It took a while, but he finally admitted he gets why I didn’t want to drag Annie into my misery. Slowly, our friendship progresses with each call. We keep it neutral, sports, his college life, and politics. The only subject we avoid—Annie. We planned a weekend during his spring break. He’ll come to New York, and I hope to get him to a Yankees game. Going to a game as a spectator will be a huge step for me. Billy’s honored that I want to take that step with him by my side.

After I returned to New York, I received a very long, heartfelt email from Annie’s parents. They also forgave me and now understand why I acted the way I did. Except for Annie’s, her parents’ forgiveness means more to me than anything else in the world. They continue to email me notes of encouragement and support. The only subject unmentioned is Annie.

This time around, my hospital stay proved to be very productive. I filled my days networking over the phone with Yankees management and reconnecting with friends that I shunned.

Today I started my new therapy regimen. I accept every torturous exercise Lance commands with a tight smile. I then complete his request and ask for more. He’s not going easy on me, and really never has. The difference being we’re on the same page for the first time since we met. Lance and I now engage in civil conversations, each getting to know the other. The only subject we avoid is Annie.

I graduated to arm braces, and in a few weeks I’ll be using a cane. When I get there, I can drive. The thought makes me hard. I miss driving so much. I hate feeling helpless and completely dependent on people.

So basically, the only thing missing in my life is Annie.

I admit that I cyberstalk to catch glimpses of her life. Seeing her Facebook status as single hurt like a motherfucker. Yet, it also indicated she was ready to move on. Isn’t that the only thing I wanted for her? Would it hurt me any less to see that she was in a relationship? It would hurt more, but it would mean my efforts finally paid off.

She rarely posts, but when she does I’m gifted with little pieces of my girl through a picture of her smiling face or a post referencing her school schedule. I thrive on seeing her happy. Ironically, that’s all I ever wanted for her. How can I regret what I did, when it’s finally paid off the way I intended?

“Okay, cupcake. That’s it for today.” Lance pauses for a beat before adding, “I’m proud of you.”

“Do I get a lollipop?”

“You get to live another day. Now, get lost until tomorrow. Get your ass back here by nine.”

“Oh Lance, I’ll miss you so much. Can I please come back earlier?” He flips me off on his way out, leaving me laughing at his expense.

He thoroughly kicked my ass today. By the time I hobble through my door a few hours later, I’m exhausted. With luck, I’ll pass out. It actually bodes well for my plans. Nights are the hardest for me. Downtime has been a challenge that I’m still struggling with. One can only watch so much TV or read so many books before going insane from boredom. Resisting the urge to drink or spark up a joint hasn’t been easy. Of all my vices, porn is the only one I continue to indulge. I need to release stress somehow. Who the fuck can fault me for that?

But even porn isn’t appealing to me right now. Neither is food. I decide to settle on the couch with my laptop. I immediately open Annie’s page on Facebook. Disappointment hits me when I see that she hasn’t posted all day. Needing a connection, I open my own page to scroll through old pictures. Image after image mesmerizes me, putting me in a trance. I’m so engrossed with old photos that I barely hear the knock on the door. The only people who ever come to my door are my parents and a random neighbor’s kid selling shit. 

“Hold on,” I call out as I head for it. “Who is it?”

“Annie.”