The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya (18 page)

“What’s wrong, Kyon? Suzumiya seems to be in a worse mood than usual today. Did something happen?”

I did some thinking as I listened to Kunikida’s voice.

I was no different from Taniguchi. I would do what Haruhi told me to do and then bitch about it. I could apply what I felt about him to myself. I had gotten fed up with griping about every little thing Haruhi did… but it’s my duty. A job only I can do. Not because I don’t want to let someone else do it, but because that’s just how it is.

Food doesn’t taste very good when you’re eating while irritated. Now I feel bad about my mom making it for me. Damn that pukehead Taniguchi! It’s all because you had to open your mouth. Now I feel like doing something I’ll probably regret in the distant future.

What did I do?

I replaced the cover on my box lunch and dashed out of the classroom.

Haruhi was in the literary club room hooking the video camera up to the computer or something, but once she saw me suddenly open the door, she looked up in surprise. Was that curry bread in her left hand?

She hastily tossed her bread aside and reached behind her head to touch her hair—or so I thought, but then she untied her hair. Not sure why, but apparently she was in a rush to untie the clump of hair at the back of her head. I didn’t get a good look, so I’ll just think about it later. I said the words I needed to say right then.

“Hey, Haruhi.”

“What is it?”

Haruhi had a look on her face like that of a cat ready for combat. I said straight to that face:

“Let’s absolutely make this film a success.”

It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Even I may experience a high once or twice a year. That’s probably why I snapped yesterday. It was just bad timing. And then today, the combination of Koizumi’s strange conversation, Taniguchi’s dumb face, and Haruhi looking depressed got me all agitated. If I hadn’t done something about these pent-up urges, I might have started walking around smashing classroom windows, so I released it here instead. Why am I making excuses?

“Hmm,” Haruhi said before continuing. “Of course. I’m the director after all. Success is guaranteed. I don’t need you to tell me that.”

So simple-minded. I was kind of expecting her to react in a somewhat laudable manner, but her eyes, shining brightly for reasons unknown, had been reignited with the flames of confidence. Way too simple. About as annoying as a mid-boss that keeps casting high-level healing spells on itself, but I didn’t really care. The important thing is balance. A game where you just send a bunch of weak guys beyond in one blow and it’s over… what was it again, that’s it, doesn’t have a catharsis. Not that I actually know what that means. Or it didn’t mean anything to begin with. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to see a cheerless Haruhi because it just weirds me out. Her mind is meant to always be engaged in a thousand-meter dash with no meaning, purpose, or destination. Since it seems that if she stops for some weird reason, she unconsciously causes even more random trouble. That’s all.

… At least, that’s what I believed at the time.

After school the same day.

“Couldn’t you have worded that in a different way?” Koizumi asked.

“Sorry,” I replied.

“When I asked you to cheer her up, I was expecting something with less… potential to create harm.”

“… Sorry.”

“Instead of restoring the situation, you seem to have escalated it.”

“…”

“We won’t be able to conceal everything at this rate.”

Koizumi looked at me with gentle eyes as I reflected upon my actions. He didn’t blame me, though I could sense a tone of distress in his voice. Guess that makes sense. The situation’s definitely gotten worse, and it’s apparently my fault.

Why is that? Hell if I know.

The cherry blossoms were in full bloom. We were walking down a cherry tree–lined path along the river. This was the riverwalk where Asahina had revealed her identity to me. Just to make sure, it’s fall right now. Even if lingering traces of summer heat remain, Yoshino cherry trees bloom in spring. I don’t have a problem if they start blooming early, but not six months early. There’s no reason for cherry trees to tag along with the sun in going overboard.

Standing within the dancing cherry blossoms, Haruhi was the only one in full gear. Asahina, in her tight waitress outfit, was tottering around nervously. Probably because of all the out-of-season cherry blossom–watchers around.

“How convenient! I was just thinking about how I’d like a shot with cherry blossoms. This abnormal weather has perfect timing!” Haruhi exclaimed, sending spit flying, as she forced Asahina to strike random poses.

Guess it’s no good. When humans act on a moment’s impulse, it’ll always come back to haunt them. It feels like I’ve been repeatedly learning this lesson over the past six months. A very negative lesson where I went “Shouldn’t have done that,” instead of “If only I had done that.” Someone lend me a gun. And I don’t mean a model gun.

It appears that the buds on the cherry trees began sprouting around noon, and by evening they were in full bloom. The local news station even sent down a crew to report on this unusual autumn occurrence. I wish they’d just assume that this happens every once in a while. The strange global climate in the past few years would be the underlying cause. Just leave it at that, okay?

“That what Suzumiya appears to believe,” Koizumi, who had been walking next to Asahina down by the riverbank just a moment ago, remarked. The shot of Koizumi, who merely looked good, and Asahina, who was purely good, next to each other was incredibly well suited for pissing off every single male on the planet. It left me with an unpleasant feeling.

Nagato had nothing to say about the cherry blossoms and no expression on her face either. She simply stared at the blossoms with their whacked-out internal clock. The sight of pink petals on her black mantle created a slight contrast effect. Wonder if she knows about the white doves.

“That’s it! Let’s catch a cat!” Haruhi said out of the blue. “Witches have familiars. And cats are the best fit! Is there a black cat around anywhere? One with glossy fur.”

“Hold on. Wasn’t Nagato’s initial setting an evil alien?”

“Just find a cat! That’s the image I have in my mind right now. Where’s a good place to find a cat?”

“Probably a pet store.”

Oddly enough, Haruhi responded to my slapdash remark with a compromise.

“A stray cat works. It’d be a pain to try to borrow one that’s for sale or has an owner. Shouldn’t we be able to find a whole bunch lying around on some vacant piece of land? Yuki, do you know?”

“I know.”

Nagato nodded her head ever so slightly before she started walking off like a religious leader guiding us to the Promised Land. I guess there isn’t anything Nagato doesn’t know. If I ask her where the coin purse I dropped five years ago went, she might give me an answer. My entire life savings at the time, five hundred yen, was inside, I believe.

After fifteen minutes of walking, we arrived behind the fancy apartment building where Nagato lived by herself. There was a well-maintained lawn shaded by trees that blocked the view from outside. A number of cats were gathered there. They appeared to be strays, but none of them appeared to be afraid of people, seeing as how none of them ran away when we approached. They even started following us around. Maybe they were expecting to be fed. Haruhi picked one of the cats up.

“There aren’t any black cats here. We’ll just go with this one then.”

It was a calico, and a male one to boot. But Haruhi apparently had no idea how rare that was and showed no surprise at the result from her random sampling.

“Okay, Yuki. This is your partner. Get along now.”

Nagato silently accepted the calico cat Haruhi was holding up. She showed as much emotion as if she were accepting a tissue. The cat didn’t show any emotion either.

We promptly began filming on the spot again. We were still behind the apartment building. I didn’t think she really cared about location anymore. My video camera was filled with a bunch of erratic, spur-of-the-moment cuts. It better not be my job to edit this all into a single story.

“Yuki, attack Mikuru!”

Nagato nodded in response to Haruhi’s orders, in an awkward stance. A black-garbed mage with a cat riding on her left shoulder. The cat obviously looked too heavy to ride there. It helped that the calico was obediently clinging to Nagato, but Nagato had to tilt not just her neck, but her whole body, to keep her balance and prevent the cat from falling off. And while maintaining that unnatural posture, she waved her wand at Asahina.

“Take this.”

I’m guessing that magical rays will be shooting out of Nagato’s wand for this scene.

“… Ahh—”

Asahina’s agonized acting.

“Okay, cut!” Haruhi yelled in a satisfied tone as I stopped recording. Koizumi lowered the reflector board.

“We’ll make it so that the cat talks. He’s supposed to be a mage’s familiar. He can deliver a sarcastic insult or something.”

Unbelievable.

“Your name is Shamisen. Come on, Shamisen, say something!”

Like he’s going to start talking. Or yeah, please don’t start talking.

Perhaps my prayer was heard, because the calico cat with the ominous name Shamisen did not suddenly start speak Japanese. Instead, it started grooming its tail, completely ignoring Haruhi’s order. The natural reaction, but it still left me feeling relieved.

“Looking good.”

Haruhi smiled with satisfaction as she checked the film we’d shot today. Hard to believe she was looking depressed just this morning. Being able to move on quickly is a good thing. That, alone, I can admire her for.

“Kyon, you’re responsible for taking care of that cat.”

She delivered the absurd command to me as she folded up her director’s chair.

“Give him a warm reception when you get home. We’ll need him for future filming, so do a proper job of taming him. Teach him a trick or two by tomorrow. Yeah, like jumping through a ring of fire or something.”

I’d have to say that being able to sit still on Nagato’s shoulder puts him in the high-performing category of cats.

“That’s all for today. We’ll be headed into the final stage tomorrow! The filming is smoothly approaching the climax and everybody’s in perfect shape! Make sure you get plenty of rest for tomorrow.”

After Haruhi dismissed us with a wave of the megaphone, she left by herself, humming the ending theme from
Blade Runner.

“Whew—”

Asahina and I sighed in unison. As for the other two, Koizumi had the reflector board under his arm as he prepared to go home, and Nagato was looking at Shamisen the way you look at a ballpoint pen with no ink.

I crouched down and petted the calico on his head.

“Good work. I’ll treat you to a can of cat food later. Or would you prefer dried sardines?”

“Either’s fine with me.”

Spoken in a clear baritone voice. It didn’t belong to anyone there. I looked at the gaping faces of Koizumi and Asahina before turning to Nagato’s blank face. All three were staring at the same spot. My feet.

A calico cat sat there looking up at me with round, black eyes.

“Hey, now,” I said. “Was that Nagato just now? I wasn’t talking to you. I was asking the cat.”

“That was my belief. Which is why I responded. Did I say something wrong?”

The cat spoke.

“What a quandary.”

That was Koizumi talking.

“I’m shocked. A talking cat…”

That was Asahina.

“…”

Nagato remained silent as she stood holding Shamisen. As for Shamisen himself…

“I cannot fathom why you people are so surprised.”

He was talking as he clung to Nagato’s shoulder.

“Must be something along the lines of a cat-demon-type creature. Don’t they say that this is what happens after they’ve lived so many years?”

“I do not know the answer. I place no value in having a sense of time. I have no interest in differentiating between the present and past.”

A cat talking is already weird enough, but he’s sounding like an academic. Pretty cheeky for something with paws. Where’s the nearest shamisen shop? Is it in the Yellow Pages?

“Indeed, from your perspective, it may appear that I am emitting sounds that resemble human speech. However, parrots and parakeets are capable of doing the same. How can you be sure that the sounds I emit are meant to express the meaning of the words you hear?”

What’s he talking about?

“It’s, yeah, because you’re answering my questions.”

“Is it not possible that the sounds I am emitting simply conform by coincidence to the conditions of a response to your question?”

“If you accept that, wouldn’t that mean fellow human beings could be talking without actually holding a conversation?”

Why am I having a serious discussion with a cat?

The stray calico Shamisen licked his front paw and scratched under his ear. “You are absolutely correct. You and the young lady over there could engage in actions that would make it appear as though you were holding a conversation, but nobody would have any way of knowing whether or not accurate communication occurred,” Shamisen said in an oddly rough voice.

“Since people may or may not say what they really mean in different situations,” said Koizumi.

You keep your mouth shut.

“When you put it that way, it does… make sense,” said Asahina.

Sorry, but could you also keep your mouth shut?

After examining the cats on the lawn one by one, we learned that every one besides Shamisen could only meow. Apparently, this calico cat was the only one to benefit from a sudden ability to speak a human language. Why was that?

It’s that idiot’s fault.

“The current situation does not look very encouraging,” Koizumi offered as he elegantly carried his mug to his lips. “We appear to have underestimated Suzumiya.”

“What do you mean?” asked Asahina in a hushed voice.