The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (23 page)

Over the years, Americans have been fortunate to have numerous opportunities to be proud of their country and its citizens, both natural and naturalized. Starting out with a handful of unwanted European castoff s that stormed the shores of the east coast of what is now the United States, they were able to convince tribe after tribe of Indians that they would enjoy the challenges of raising their families out west where the conditions for difficult farming were ideal. Through intimidation and near daily beatings, they were able to make use of unruly black labor to harvest cotton, tobacco, and sugarcane.

THEY WERE ABLE TO TAKE A SEMILITERATE ACTOR NAMED SYLVESTER STALLONE, WHOSE BEST DIALOGUE CONSISTED OF GRUNTING, AND TURN IT INTO A SIX-FILM FRANCHISE.
And finally, through generations of careful designer breeding, America was able to give birth to an eager porn star named Houston, who excitedly set a modern day gangbang record in 1999 by having sex 620 times over the course of eight hours. America stood at attention and their pride swelled on that fateful day.

Even with all of these explosively satisfying moments, nothing makes hard-working Americans feel prouder than when they look at their pay stub every other week and see their automatic contribution to the Internal Revenue Service.

Capitalizing on Americans' desire to fund government projects before funding their family bank accounts, the Sixteenth Amendment to the Constitution, ratified in 1913, provides the federal government the authority to levy taxes on personal income. This wildly popular amendment called for a progressive tax that allowed the highest earners the satisfaction of contributing an even greater proportion of their income to the beloved IRS. During the honeymoon stage, the income tax started at 1 percent of taxable income above $3,000 for individuals and 1 percent of taxable income above $4,000 for married couples, ensuring that a marriage penalty would always be part of the tax code and the honeymoon with the IRS would never end.

It is through the magic of the IRS that American workers have the opportunity to help finance freedom fighters in other countries, host lavish White House dinners for hated foreign dignitaries, and provide subsidies to insanely profitable oil companies to continue their willingness to sell us their products that we have come to love and cherish.

Recognizing that wealthy people are very passionate about war and they are inherently philanthropic, the income tax levels were adjusted to call for top earners to contribute 77 percent of their income to the IRS during World War I and an orgasmically satisfying 91 percent during World War II. For many big-hearted rich Americans, the war ended too soon. With the scaled-back tax rates of peacetime that followed, many of the richest of the rich were left feeling a little charitable void in their life.

Fortunately for today's Americans, little has changed. The opportunity to participate financially in foreign conflicts is still mandatory. The rich are still given the opportunity to experience higher taxation rates. The marriage penalty is still in place and every once in a while we still get to pay for the food and entertainment of political leaders that hate us.
THE IRS: SCREWING YOU LIKE A HONEYMOON BRIDE SINCE 1913.

Decades before the LA Bloods allegedly shot Notorious B.I.G. in retaliation for the murder of 2Pac, there was a slightly less memorable shot heard around the world when Archduke Francis Ferdinand was gunned down Compton-style by the Serbian Blood Gavrilo Princip while in Sarajevo in 1914.

Besides being the target of Blood-on-archduke violence, Ferdinand was the heir in waiting to the Austrian throne.
AS AUSTRIAN ROYALTY, THE FAMILY OF PRIVILEGE ENJOYED FREE LIFT TICKETS TO THE COUNTRY'S MUNICIPAL SKI RESORTS ALONG WITH AN ASSORTMENT OF “WE'VE GOT YOUR BACK” FRIENDSHIPS FROM A HANDFUL OF CAPITALISM-CRUSHING WORLD LEADERS AND THEIR MILITARIES.

With the orderly succession to the Austrian crown now out of succession and Princip's assassin behavior exposed, the Austrian military declared all out Armageddon on Princip's home country of Serbia. Not without friends, the tiny nation of Serbia received military support from neighboring Russia. As Russian troops entered the fray, the first country to overreact to the ruble users' involvement and the archduke pushing daisies was the 1990 FIFA World Cup champion, Germany.

Enthusiastic to share the joys of war with other European countries, the Germans responded by checking off France, Serbia, and Russia on their Declaration of War paperwork.
AS FRANCE BECAME ENTANGLED IN THE WEB OF WAR, THE “SOCCER-IS-FOOTBALL” NATION OF GREAT BRITAIN EAGERLY DECLARED WAR ON GERMANY BECAUSE OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP WITH FRANCE.

Coming off the heels of the American Revolutionary War of 1775–1783, the War of 1812, the Mexican War of 1846–1848, the American Civil War of 1861–1865, and the Spanish American War of 1898, the almost pacifist nation of the United States naturally played Swiss with the growing European conflict, openly expressing its neutrality. In an effort to mediate a quick resolution to the war, in August of 1914 the American government off ered to send Judge Judy, and in case the Germans like African Americans more than women, Judge Mathis to Europe to negotiate a peace deal. Sensing the possibility of a near immediate victory, both sides declined the invitation, countering with their willingness to have a meet and greet luncheon with Cameron Diaz and Alyssa Milano instead.

As the diplomacy efforts of the United States failed to gain traction, the first significant battle got underway in September 1914. With a total disregard for human life, the First Battle of the Marne became a huge killing field. Between the dead and injured, each side suffered over 500,000 casualties.
THE FRENCH EFFORT SURPRISED GERMANY, AS THE “DRINK BECKS RESPONSIBLY” GERMANS CONCEDED THE BATTLE, LEAVING THEIR LATE-AT-NIGHT STROKING FANTASY OF A QUICK AND RELATIVELY RESISTANT FREE TAKEOVER UNFULFILLED AND UNLIKELY.

Dissatisfied with their success on land, the German armed force began a water offensive despite the daunting naval superiority of the British. Rationalizing that the fun and games on water should not be restricted to military vessels alone, the Germans targeted Allied fare-paying passenger and commercial ships.

Testing America's desire to remain neutral was the U-boat assault and sinking of the British ocean liner
Lusitania
on May 7, 1915. Trapped in the death count were 128 American citizens. Reacting to the attack, President Woodrow Wilson commenced a letter-writing exchange campaign with the Germans, warning them against any form of continued aggression that included Americans. Hearing but not listening to the American rhetoric, the Germans sunk the U.S. commercial liner
Leelanaw
in the coastal region of Scotland on July 25, 1915. The American death toll took another hit when twenty-seven citizens of the stars and stripes met their untimely death at the hands of an Austrian submarine while aboard the Italian vessel
Ancona
. As the American death count continued to rise, the federal government began making plans to abandon their Swiss ambitions and enter the war.

Following the unprovoked sinking of five more seaworthy American vessels, Wilson went in front of Congress seeking a declaration of war on Germany. Realizing the profitable nature of war and how it could positively impact their districts, members of the house and senate voted overwhelmingly for participation in the Great War.

In an attempt to drum up the support of young American males, Congress passed the Selective Service Act on May 18, 1917, requiring all those fortunate enough to be between the ages of twenty-one and thirty to register for their right to be drafted and made into instant warriors.
SHOWING A GREAT DEAL OF ENTHUSIASM FOR THEIR CHANCE TO BE SELECTED TO SERVE, 10 MILLION MEN PUT PEN TO REGISTRATION FORM, THROWING THEIR NAMES INTO THE I-CAN-DODGE-BULLETS HAT.
Unfortunately for many, only 2.8 million people enjoyed the thrill of being chosen from the long list of age-qualified candidates.