The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (36 page)

7. If you hook up one night with someone you met for the first time and the sex is lousy, is it kosher for you to ignore his or her phone calls?

a. Yes

b. No

8. Which one of the following animals is not considered kosher?

a. Cows

b. Sheep

c. Bulls

d. Pigs

9. True or False: It is kosher to drink milk with your hamburger.

a. Yes

b. No

10. It is kosher to sit along the front rail of a strip club and not tip?

a. Yes

b. No

Answers

1.  
   

2. B.
   Although there are ritualistic prayers and blessings that a rabbi can give to bless the food, kosher is in the preparation, not the blessing. As a result, if the food is not kosher when it hits the table, it is too late. You will be eating kosher free that night.
   

    
   

3. A.
   Kosher food has nothing to do with the style of cooking from a particular country; it only has to do with how the food is prepared. There are all kinds of intelligent Chinese entrepreneurs across the country who understand that kosher fanatics will pay a premium for food that follows the tenets of the Torah. For most Chinese restaurants, it is the preparation of cat that they find most difficult to keep kosher.
   

    
   

4. A.
   Ninety days should be plenty of time for your buddy to get over her. If she was really that good between the sheets, he would have held on to her regardless of how little they have in common. If he needs more time, date around his back for the first thirty days to see if it works out. After that, he needs to just suck it up. After all, one man's trash is another man's treasure.
   

   

    
   

5. B.
   By lying to the host you like the least, you have disqualified any hope for kosher status. It would be kosher for you to attend the second party exclusively as long as you are up front with the other hostess and tell her you don't like her as much as the person hosting your preferred event.
   

    
   

6. A.
   Rabbis new to the profession or between synagogues often find themselves observing animal slaughters to earn a paycheck. No animal food can earn the distinction of kosher without the death of the animal being witnessed by a rabbi.
   

    
   

7. A.
   Fast-food runs are notorious for leaving the driver upside down in the transaction. There should be no debate. It is always kosher for the driver to keep the change.
   

    
   

8. A.
   Relationships can overcome a lot of things; however, bad sex is not one of them. Life is too short for you to spend with someone without any nighttime skills. Ignore the calls and move on.
   

    
   

9. D.
   The Torah states that for animal meat to be kosher, it has to not only have cloven hooves but also to chew the cud. The pig possesses split hooves, but unfortunately it doesn't chew the cud.
   

    
   

10. B.
    You can do a lot of things, but the Torah states, “You may not cook a young animal in the milk of its mother.” You better grab a beer with that burger.
    

     
    

11. B.
    Absolutely not kosher. The ladies at these clubs work on tips and the premier seating along the rail of the stage is reserved for those who tip. The cover charge you paid at the door does get you in and entitles you to watch the show, but if you are not going to tip, you need to take a seat at one of the tables located several feet from the stage.
    

Please take a moment to add up your score and then take a look at the chart below to gauge your kosher intellect.

1–4 correct:
By all accounts, you failed. Sorry, no retakes.

5–7 correct:
Nice work. Go visit a Jewish delicatessen and have some lunch — you earned it.

8–10 correct:
Congratulations! Find your lighter because you are lighting the Menorah next Hanukkah!

Anytime a historically significant event includes secret tapes, a hotel, someone named “Deep Throat,” and a “Tricky Dick,” it is sure to cause an explosive reaction. But despite the promising plot lines, this story is far removed from a discrete recording of a fetish-centered porn.

On June 17, 1972, five generally inept part-time burglars were arrested for their clumsy attempt to break into the Democratic National Committee Headquarters located in the Watergate hotel in Washington, D.C. This break-in wasn't your traditional smash-and-grab job that leaves behind the fingerprints of its perpetrators. Instead, it was an effort to see if the rumors about high-ranking Democratic Party officials wearing women's panties were in fact true, and to see if there was any other political dirt that could be used if President Richard Nixon's large lead in the polls did not hold up over the coming months.

In addition to the five amateurs who did the inside work, two more under qualified criminals were arrested for being accomplices to the crime. All seven men were linked to an organization known as “CREEP,” or committee to reelect the president. Surely this committee and its plans were doomed to fail if their naming strategy session adjourned after agreeing on “CREEP.”

With the seven unusual suspects in orange jumpsuits indirectly linked to President Nixon, an investigation ensued. Among the reporters covering these events were Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the
Washington Post
. During their investigation, they received a call from an anonymous informant code-named “Deep Throat,” who pointed the journalists toward information linking President Nixon to the Watergate break-in. In 2005, Deep Throat was identified as the not-so-sexy and more recently dead FBI deputy director, William Mark Felt Sr.

As details of money laundering, slush funds, and political payoff s emerged the Senate promised to help the low-rated and rarely viewed C-Span television channel rebound from its dreadful Nielsen ratings report for the month of January. Keeping their promise as politicians rarely do, the Senate held hearings on the investigation from March 17 to August 7, 1973. The excitement was tremendous, as Americans were fixated with C-Span's HD coverage of the hearings. President Nixon was first dragged into the fray when Howard Baker of Tennessee famously asked, “What did the President know, and when did he know it?”

SHORTLY THEREAFTER, FRED THOMPSON OF LAW AND ORDER FAME AND FAILED 2008 REPUBLICAN NOMINEE, SCORED LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR ON PROM NIGHT WITH THE POIGNANT QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT THERE WERE LISTENING DEVICES IN THE WHITE HOUSE, TO WHICH THE ANSWER WAS AFFIRMATIVE.
Upon hearing that there were, in fact, listening devices in the White House, Senate committee members nearly blew their load, and the tapes were quickly subpoenaed. Nixon immediately enacted Dick Cheney's “what happens in the White House stays in the White House” executive privilege. But investigators wanted the truth, even if they couldn't handle it. The issues of the tapes went all the way to the United States Supreme Court.

In a surprising and disappointing ruling for fans of partisan politics, the Supreme Court justices ruled unanimously that Nixon had to surrender the tapes. The released tapes covered Nixon and one of his aides planning a cover-up of the break-in, and having the CIA falsely claim that national security was at stake. Once the contents were revealed, ego boosting impeachment proceedings began. With the tapes released and the damage done, any allies Nixon had left had to admit the obvious: the Dick was crooked. President Nixon resigned ten days later.

Nixon's resignation catapulted Gerald Ford from the vice presidency to the commander in chief. As one of his first acts of duty for his country, President Gerald Ford granted Nixon a full and unconditional pardon for any crimes he may have committed while president. It was for all of his manipulation of the situation and attempts to escape blame, and not his ability to tie his unit in a knot, that earned Nixon the nearly enviable nickname of “Tricky Dick.”