The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (38 page)

Using an outdated Islamic decision matrix that showed leaders of the not-so-free Arab world when it was acceptable to trade oil for virgins, Iraqi president and deflowerer Saddam Hussein ordered his military to overrun the oil-rich but nearly defenseless nation of Kuwait. Since Kuwait was part of the Ottoman Empire up until 1899, which at the time was controlled by Iraq, it was obvious that ninety years later Hussein was justified in his reacquisition of the neighboring country. Best of all was that because Hussein could demonstrate that Kuwait had Iraqi heritage, all of the oil pumped out of Kuwait was subject to virgin trading.

Hussein was looking for something fresh, hoping to use a portion of his new trading commodity to score a fistful of virgins of the Western variety. For weeks he had been enjoying sleepless nights, with thoughts of a blonde American-made bombshell from Arizona being first up, even if he had to overpay.

Despite Hussein's obvious right to take over Kuwait for his own sexual self-interest, the world community was irate. Pleading on behalf of virgins worldwide, the famous and former American virgin Britney Spears, who later explained that “Justin may have touched me but he was never in me,” begged for a coordinated global response to remove Saddam from Kuwait, thus protecting the virginity of scores of young women worldwide.
UNDER PRESSURE FROM RECORD EXECUTIVES WHO FEARED THAT TOO MUCH PUBLIC SPEAKING WOULD EXPOSE BRITNEY'S SUBPAR IQ, THE UNITED NATIONS, AT THE URGING OF THE UNITED STATES, BEGAN TO DISCUSS THE NEED TO LIBERATE THE COUNTRY OF KUWAIT.

After calculating that with Kuwait's oil combined with Iraq's oil he could trade for more virgins than his appetite could satisfy, Hussein set up a secondary market for virgin trading as he approached the leaders of martyr-rich countries. As part of the religious tradition, Islamic suicide bombers are guaranteed a healthy helping of seventy-two virgins when they enter heaven for their deadly act.

Seeing a supply and demand match, Hussein ordered that the oil being pumped from Kuwaiti oil fields be increased dramatically and immediately. This closely controlled secondary market, along with the fear that Hussein might order his military to parade right through Kuwait and on into Saudi Arabia, giving him control of approximately 40 percent of the world's known oil reserves, inspired global action.

Hearing from others that this scenario could be devastating to the American economy, Bush consulted the presidential handbook on dealing with tyrannical leaders in oil-rich countries. Acting on the advice from this little-known handbook, Bush decided to go on the attack. Unfortunately for Bush, in a world of instant gratification, he could not attack Iraq without approval from either the United Nations or the United States Congress. Anxious, Bush impatiently launched Operation Desert Shield, selling it as a mission to protect freedom and liberty as instructed by the handbook. The reality was he wanted troops in place to act swiftly and aggressively once he inevitably received permission from the United Nations to go on the offensive.

During the process of obtaining U.N. approval, the United States put together an impressive coalition that included thirty-nine other countries, most of which ignored martyrdom for sexual gain. Coalition forces gave Hussein a January 15, 1991, deadline to remove all of his encroaching forces from sovereign Kuwaiti soil, which in turn would settle down the oil-for-virgin marketplace. As January 15 came and went with no Iraqi cooperation, the conflict began two days later on January 17, 1991.

Allied forces included but were not limited to Australia, Afghanistan, Argentina, Canada, Czechoslovakia, Denmark, Egypt, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Spain, Syria, and the United Kingdom. Rumor has it Niger and Oman were listed on the roster of allied forces, too; however, it is now believed that it may have been a clerical error as White House officials continue to try and prove their existence.

At 3:00 a.m., under the cover of darkness, coalition forces began an all-out air assault on Iraqi forces and their military instillations. U.S. jets and more U.S. jets and more U.S. jets, along with the occasional British jet, relentlessly pounded strategic Iraqi targets. Huddled around satellite imagery, commander of the allied forces General Norman Schwarzkopf enjoyed the bright lights and fires that were beamed back to command center. Not easily bored, Schwarz-kopf ordered thirty-eight consecutive days of the nearly nonstop air assault. Unable to defend itself from the aerial festivities, the Iraqi military attempted to widen the war by launching unreliable Soviet-engineered Scud missiles into Saudi Arabia and the unpopular nation of Israel.

Hussein believed most Arab nations had been looking for another reason to re-engage military hostilities with the all-but-ostracized Israelis, and if they fired back, Hussein's Muslim brothers would be forced to have his back and abandoned their support of the coalition. Much to the surprise of everyone, the Israelis grinned and bore it, refraining from retaliating and thus keeping the coalition intact and the pressure on Iraq.

On February 24, 1991, Schwarzkopf 's boredom meter sounded, and he sent ground troops into Iraq. Demoralized by the constant bombings from the air over the last two and a half months, tens of thousands of Iraqi soldiers eagerly surrendered.
AS THE WHITE FLAGS CAME OUT, HUSSEIN ORDERED HIS TROOPS TO PACK UP THEIR SHIT AND GET THE HELL OUT OF KUWAIT.
With the remaining Iraqi soldiers happy to be alive and leaving Kuwait, one at a time in single file, coalition forces ended efforts exactly 100 hours after the ground attack began.

As Kuwait was returned to the Kuwaitis and Hussein's attempt to enlarge the oil-for-virgins marketplace beyond its capacity was thwarted, Britney Spears announced that out of fear for Hussein's plan, she had gone ahead and gave Justin her virginity, effectively taking her off of Hussein's radar.
BY ALL ACCOUNTS, THE NIGHT WAS MAGICAL, INSPIRING HER TO SING SOMEONE ELSE'S LYRICS TO HER HIT SONG “HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME.”