The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (41 page)

When it comes time to get away from it all and really let loose, Las Vegas has been the preferred vacation destination for adult men for years. The bright lights, the gambling, the alcohol, and the disproportionate number of insanely hot girls has pulled men into this desert oasis for decades.

Despite the fact that Vegas off ers every vice anyone could ever want, in 2003, the Middle East — obsessed triad of Republican leadership, Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, began making plans for hundreds of thousands of their closest military friends to visit their preferred sand pit in the sun, Iraq. The thoughts of women all veiled up and covered from head to toe along with the lure of oil-driven riches proved to be irresistible for the three fun-loving pals with an infection of neocondral disease.

Much like a gambler with a propensity for addiction, the Bush family had been to Iraq once before and couldn't wait to get back. The First Gulf War ended in 1991 when former president George Bush Sr. negotiated the end of the conflict with a cease-fire. Bush the elder got most of what he wanted from his excursion to the desert, but like that one casino where you suffered from Reginald Denny — like luck, Bush didn't have a perfect trip either. In this case, Saddam Hussein was left in power because when Iraqi troops fled Kuwait, Bush had no mandate from the United Nations to order the United States military to march into Baghdad and forcibly remove the America-hating dictator. Disappointed but not completely deterred, Bush ordered coalition forces to pack up and come home.

DURING THE CLINTON PRESIDENCY, BUSH, THE STORY-TELLING SENIOR, WOULD RELAY ACCOUNTS OF HIS FANTASTIC TRIP TO THE IRAQI DESERT OASIS.
Between AA meetings, George Jr. heard fantastic tales of easy wars and surging political popularity and thought if he was ever in a position to go, he would do just that.

When the U.S. Supreme Court handed the presidency to George Bush Jr. in the 2000 election, they effectively put George in the position to fulfill his dreams of the kind of desert invasion, his father had enjoyed. Plus, he wanted to get back at that casino that was so unlucky for his father and remove Sad-dam Hussein from power. With his commitment unwavering, George began poking around, looking for an excuse to order an Iraqi vacation.

In the aftermath of the September 11, 2001, attacks Bush and his desert-hungry companions, Cheney and Rumsfeld, saw an opportunity. No attention was paid to the fact that it wasn't a great reason, as there was no direct link between Hussein and the 9/11 attacks. Nonetheless, it was still a reason. In response to the attacks, on September 20, 2001, George announced his new “War on Terror” along with the “Bush Jr. Doctrine,” a philosophy of pre-emptive military action.
MUCH LIKE A HUSBAND REMARKING TO HIS WIFE THAT THE GUYS ARE GOING TO VEGAS IN JUNE, BUSH WAS SETTING THE TABLE FOR HIS TRIP.

Looking for foreign travel companions, Bush approached the United Nations about joining him on his proposed trip to Iraq. He tried to entice them with thoughts of hot, skin-blistering temperatures, but nearly everyone turned him down. Not deterred, Bush, along with his puppet, Prime Minister Tony Blair of Great Britain, ignored the need for a U.N. blessing for their travel plans and instead pumped America up for war. Looking out for his friends and former colleagues at Halliburton, Dick Cheney beat the drum of war nonstop until the United States Congress passed a resolution in October 2002, authorizing the use of force against Iraq.

To justify the offensive to the American people, George stated that the invasion was necessary to disarm Iraq of its weapons of mass destruction, end Saddam's support of terrorism, and free the people of Iraq, hoping Americans would buy at least two out of the three. Frustrated by the lack of international support for bringing hell to Baghdad, Bush and Blair were left with only a small coalition of the willing that included the ass-kissing nations of Spain, Italy, Poland, Australia, and Denmark when hostilities commenced in March 2003.

The aftermath is the stuff of recent legend. Bush famously stood in front of an enormous “Mission Accomplished” banner while on the deck of the aircraft carrier USS
Lincoln
for a televised speech on May 1, 2003. Oddly enough, despite George announcing the end of major combat operations in the war with Iraq, as of 2009, U.S. troops were still deployed in Iraq, heroically continuing to try to accomplish the mission he said was accomplished.

To date, no weapons of mass destruction have been located in Iraq and the smoking gun between Hussein and 9/11 has never been established. American taxpayers continue to spend billions of dollars a month on the war, as the country's credibility in the international community is at an all-time low.
UNLIKE A VEGAS VACATIONER WHOSE ALCOHOL-FUELED EXPLOITS RESULT IN WAKING UP BROKE, FULL OF REGRET, AND IN THE SAME BED AS A DEAD HOOKER, BUSH JR., CHENEY, AND RUMSFELD MAKE NO APOLOGY FOR THEIR DESERT VACATION GONE WRONG.