The Slam (24 page)

Chapter Thirty-Four

ADELAIDE

“You’re so lucky!” Piper said, rummaging through her dresser drawers that were sticking out like tongues. “Most guys can’t perform oral sex properly. At least I haven’t met one who can.”

“Hmm,” I mused aloud. “It must be about five percent more difficult than splitting the atom, but Ender was really good at it. Exceptionally good, I must say.”

Piper pulled out a cotton panty from one of the drawers and flung it at me. “Stop rubbing it in!” Her voice trailed off on a laugh. “Oral sex demands total surrender to the moment and the person you’re with. Sadly, I’m often stuck in my own head. I’m worrying about loose hairs, whether or not his jaw is getting exhausted, and how I look down there.”

“I’m sure you look perfectly fine.” I found myself studying the cotton panty that I’d caught in my hand. “Piper,” I said curiously. “Are these one of those crotchless panties?”

“God, no.” She made a barfing noise.

“Hmm.” I held up the cotton panty for her inspection, stretching the fabric out wide. “Then how come it looks like a beehive in the crotch area?”

“Oh God!” Piper burst into a spasm of giggles. “That’s so embarrassing. I think my vagina is munching on the fabric. Is that even normal?”

“Yes,” I assured her. “It’s perfectly normal. I happened to come across a crotchless panty not too long ago, and I thought the exact same thing… that Mira’s vagina ate her panty. Upon further research, I’ve learned that vaginal secretions are naturally slightly acidic. These normal secretions can, over time, discolor underwear and cause holes.”

“Really?” Piper said thoughtfully. “So I don’t have battery acid for discharge?”

“Well, the natural pH of the vagina is at an acidic level, but it doesn’t produce an acid like battery acid or anything like that.” I balled-up Piper’s panty and tossed it back at her.

Danni, her roommate, happened to burst through the door just as the beehive panty went soaring in the air, flying across the room, and it hit her smack-dab in the face.

“Danni!” I cried. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry.”

Danni just stood there for a long moment like a fire-breathing dragon, saying absolutely nothing. Then out of nowhere, she burst into tears, sobs wracking her entire body.

Piper and I exchanged horror-filled glances.

The room was deadly silent except for the huge, irregular sobs coming from Danni.

With a great sigh and even greater trepidation, I inched my way over to her.

Very, very slowly, I placed an arm around her. “There, there,” I said, gingerly patting her back as though it belonged to an angry cat. “I’m terribly sorry about the panty. Terribly sorry. It’s not even my panty. It’s Piper’s. You see, I don’t even wear panties.”

“IT’S NOT THE PANTY!” Another sob broke from her chest. “I’M NOT MAD ABOUT THE PANTY!”

“Oh.” A pause. “What are you so mad about?” I asked in a very small voice, barely audible in fact.

Tears streaked down her cheeks. “You promise you won’t tell anyone?”

“I promise,” I said. “And Piper promises, too.”

“I do?” Piper glared at me from across the room and I glared back. “I do,” she said at last. “I promise I won’t tell anyone, Danni.”

“You better not.” Danni gave a short, hiccupping sob. “Because snitches get stitches.”

“Snitches get stitches,” I repeated.

“That’s right!” Danni snapped. “SNITCHES GET STITCHES!”

Okay. The warning was loud and clear, and it put a chill down my spine.

“Here,” I said gently, guiding Danni to her bed. “Why don’t you sit down and let yourself cry and I’ll order some pizza. You can talk to us when you’re feeling better, okay?”

Nodding like an obedient child, Danni collapsed onto her bed, folding in on herself like a taco and broke out in a fresh bout of weeping. Soon her tears turned into great shuddering sobs. “Return to your hell and leave me to mine,” she cried tragically. “Oh, the injustice!”

My heart ached for Danni. Poor girl was in such a sorry state.

“Pssst pssst,” Piper whispered. “Let’s leave her alone for a bit. Danni just needs to let the butt hurt flow through her.”

Half an hour later, the pizza arrived and Danni was in a much better state.

“Come join us, Danni,” I said cordially. “What’s your preference? Cheese or pepperoni?”

“Cheese,” she said gloomily, settling down cross-legged on the floor.

Piper scooted over to make room for Danni and I handed her a plateful of cheese pizza.

For a little while, the three of us ate in companionable silence, sharing in the growing comfort of warm dough and mozzarella cheese filling our stomachs.

In time, Danni spoke into the silence. “Mark broke up with me.” She sniffed. “It was so unexpected. And worst of all, he didn’t even break things off gently.”

Piper took a large bite of her pizza. “How did he do it?” she asked, talking with her mouth full.

“He…. he…” Danni’s shoulders heaved with the effort of getting the words out. “He basically texted me: Ya Dumped!”

“How cruel.” I gasped.

“Yes, it was.” Danni sighed as though the entire weight of existence was resting on her slender shoulders. “It was very cruel.”

Piper nodded gravely. “Very, very cruel indeed.”

“Stop talking like a demented parrot!” Danni snarled like a saber-toothed tiger and Piper and I both flinched. “He was two-timing me,” she went on in a languid tone. “Hooking up with this blonde bombshell at UCLA. I found out today her name’s Brianna.” Danni began twirling a lock of her auburn hair. “Maybe I should dye my hair blonde. Maybe Mark just wasn’t into redheads anymore… most guys aren’t, you know.”

Strings of gooey cheese stretched as I pulled two slices of pizza apart. “Danni,” I said, twirling my finger through a strand of stringy cheese. “You are so much more than your hair color. Anyhow, I think you look lovely with your short pixie cut. You’ve got that Anne Hathaway vibe going on. And she was such a revelation in
Les Mis,
wasn’t she?”

“Did you just compare me to Anne Hathaway?” Danni blanched. “Is that what I just heard come out of your mouth?!?”

“Correct,” I said briskly, taking another large bite of my pizza.

“Bitch, what did you just say to me? Compare me to Anne Hathaway again and I’ll kill you!” Danni hissed. “I’ll kill all y’all bitches!”

I stared in horror. She was glaring at me so viciously I expected my hair to go up in flames.

Gosh. Danni must have taken sixteen Adderall pills
.
I suspect she’s not quite right in the head.

“Adelaide’s right,” Piper said hastily. “Not about the Anne Hathaway part, but about your hair color. You don’t need to change it for Mark or for anyone. Step one to being a self-actualized woman—make sure your hair color is the least interesting thing about you. Your man should be digging
you
,
your
personality,
your
interests. Not the color of your hair.”

“Hmm.” Danni’s eyes narrowed in thought. “So you don’t think men prefer blondes?”

A string of cheese snapped, plastering itself to my chin. “Actually,” I said. “They do.”

“Humph!” Danni frowned. “That’s not exactly helping me feel any better!”

“Blonde hair evolved between 10,000 and 15,000 years ago,” I explained. “And anthropological studies have shown that blonde hair exists because cavemen were transfixed by shiny things.”

“Shiny things?” Danni’s frown disappeared.

“Correct,” I said. “Also, blondes show signs of aging more easily, so if a female is giving a male an easy way to decipher her age, he likes that. It takes the guessing out of the game. And blondes tend to have light skin, which shows defects more easily than dark, pigmented skin. So when choosing a female mate, blondes can quickly be examined and cleared for diseases that are visible via the skin… diseases that have plagued humans for over a millennia.”

Danni seemed immensely pleased by this revelation. “How interesting. And that makes
soooo
much sense,” she said with a self-satisfied smirk. “I stalked that girl on Facebook, you know.”

“Stalked who?” Piper asked.

“D’oh!” Danni shot her an irritated glance. “That blonde chick Mark dumped me for! She’s only twenty-one but she looks like a hag! That old bag!”

“So why isn’t the reverse true?” Piper took a bite of her pizza and chewed for a moment before continuing, “Why don’t women prefer blond men?”

“Well,” I said. “Females are slightly more evolved than their male counterparts and for them the attraction is driven by preferences based on moral assumptions rather than fertility and reproduction.”

Now Danni was smiling, the smile on her face so bright it could rival the sun. “So basically, Mark is an immature caveman with lots of evolving to do. He picked Blonde Brianna over me because she looks like a shiny thing and she shows defects more easily. Hah!” She gave a gleeful laugh. “Thank you, Marmalade. Thank you for the justice, universe! That shit tastes good! I’m starting to feel a lot better already. Besides, Mark is nothing but a man-child forever stuck in pledge week. He and that old hag can have each other! They can go choke on their hatred!”

“Actually,” Piper pointed out. “You’re the one choking on hatred.”

Danni shot her an evil glare and Piper began dry-heaving and hacking, choking on her words and pizza.

“By the way, my name’s Adelaide. Not Marmalade,” I said absently, staring at the last slice of cheese pizza.

How did we manage to wolf down two large pizzas so quickly?

A beat passed.

Then another.

As I lunged for it, my knuckles collided with Piper’s hand.

“Go ahead,” she said dejectedly. “You can have it.”

“Thank you, Piper.” I smiled serenely. “That’s very gracious of you.” Then I let out a long moan as I took a large bite and chewed with my eyes closed. “Pizza… you are the only love triangle I ever want.”

“Speaking of
luuuurrrrrvve
.” Piper dragged the word out with exaggerated courtesy. “Why don’t you tell Danni about the love of your life?”

“What are you talking about?” I squinted at her. “I was just saying how much I love pizza!”

Piper’s eyes practically rolled off her head. “Ender!” she cried. “I meant Ender.”

I blinked. “What about him?”

“
Erhmahgerd! Erhmahgerd!
” Danni was incoherent with delight. “If you’re dating Ender Hemsworth, you need to tell me now!” she demanded.

“There’s not much to tell.” I gave a modest shrug of the shoulders. “We’re just best friends with benefits.”

“They fuck like rabbits,” Piper added, chewing with her mouth open.

“And you’re okay with that?” Danni looked incredulous. “Like
totally
okay with being friends with benefits?”

“Correct.” I dabbed my mouth with a napkin. “Why wouldn’t I be? He’s my best friend and he keeps me sexually satisfied. We make passionate, delectable sex. So don’t stress. I’m having a great time.” I smiled coyly. “Multiple great times if you catch my drift.”

“Ender’s her side bitch,” Piper added hastily before bursting into hysterics. “Har har har har! Her side bitch!
Haarrr harrrr!”

Ignoring Piper’s maniacal outburst, Danni folded her arms. “But how long are you gonna keep this up for?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Danni leveled a stern and disapproving gaze at me. “Are you gonna be friends with benefits
forever
?”

“Hmm.” I considered this for a second. “I wouldn’t be entirely opposed to the idea.”

Now it was Piper who was staring at me sternly. “No, Adelaide.” She shook her head fiercely. “That’s not what you want.”

“It isn’t?”

“No,” Piper said in a chastising tone.

“Hell naw!” Danni said severely. “Friends with benefits forever is like the opposite of true love. It’s the opposite of marriage.”

“But I don’t want to get married.”

“I know!” Danni waved her hand in an impatient gesture. “But don’t you want more than that? More than sex?”

“But we
do
have more than sex.” Smiling to myself, I said, “Some days we take naps together.”

“Awwww,” Piper gushed. “Taking a nap with your guy is so romantic. And guys who take naps with you are
everything
.”

“I agree.” Danni sighed dreamily. “Taking naps together is almost more romantic than having sex. It’s
sooooo
much more intimate. One of life’s pleasures.”

Big, collective romantic sighs all around.

“Ahhhhh.” Piper exhaled tranquilly. “Life’s worthiest endeavors.”

It was, I realized. It really was. Ender and I had enjoyed a five-star nap just this afternoon. I loved the closeness of it. It was intimate without being sexual. Sometimes Ender had his arm tucked around me despite the fact that it cut off his blood circulation. Other times I rested my head on his chest, feeling his ribcage gently rising and expanding, hearing the soft echoes of his heartbeat.