The Sound of Sleigh Bells (18 page)

“Isn’t it the same amount of pain either way? Only you’re doling it out little by little over a lifetime and allowing it into the future as well as the past.” Gloria pushed a button, turning on an overhead light. “How long will you punish yourself?”

“I don’t know. I can’t see ever getting past it, really.”

“Then why did Christ die?”

Gloria’s words hit hard, and Beth wondered if somehow the answer she needed rested in that simple question. “I’ve asked Him to forgive me.”

“With a tender spirit like yours, I’m sure that part came naturally. But if you continue to carry the guilt, it’s like what He did is not sufficient. As if you’re telling God that His gift of mercy is not powerful enough to help
you
forgive you.”

“But I…” Beth fidgeted with the canvas carryall, unsure what word to use to complete the sentence.

“Sinned? Blew it? Made a stupid mistake? Did something you can’t undo? It’s all covered.”

It’s covered
.

The words entered Beth, echoing over and over again. She ached to be free of her past, but that wasn’t going to happen. Could she at least stop hating herself over it?

She whispered a thank-you to Gloria and got out of the van. Lizzy stood on the porch, watching as Beth climbed the steps. With no words to express her feelings, Beth went inside without speaking.

Lizzy closed the door behind them. The large open space of the kitchen and sitting area was warm and inviting. The fireplace roared with flames, and the air carried the aroma of stew and cornbread. Sometimes Beth didn’t know if Lizzy was her mother, aunt, sister, or best friend. In one way or another, she was each of those.

“I’m sorry, Beth.”

Beth turned and faced her aunt. “I don’t even know what to say. You had no right. But you knew that when you began this.”

Lines of regret creased Lizzy’s face. “I… I just wanted to help, but Jonah’s right—I was wrong to trick you. Once I started, I couldn’t make myself tell you.”

Beth threw her satchel onto the couch. “What you did was so much more cruel than just leaving me alone. I wrote personal things to him, Lizzy. The kind of stuff I’d never have told someone his age. Then I showed up at his place with no clue what I was walking into. Why would you do that to me?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“No.” Beth peeled off her jacket and tossed it across the arm of a chair. “The question is why, Lizzy. Not how do you feel about it.”

Lizzy’s hands had an almost undetectable tremble as she gestured toward Beth. “You liked his work, and—”

Beth stepped forward and placed her index finger against her aunt’s lips, shushing her. “Why?”

Lizzy’s eyes filled with tears. “Because I was scared for you. You wouldn’t let me inside that dark place where you hide, and you refused to step outside of it. Because you think you want to be alone the rest of your life, and you don’t know what it’s like. Jonah’s work was the first thing to interest you in such a long time, and I grabbed on to it.” Lizzy broke into tears. “Because I thought he might make you feel something again, and I feared for your future more than I feared your anger.”

The weight of Lizzy’s worries settled over Beth, and her aunt’s emotions tangled into so many of her own. Beth’s fears began when she realized the lines between trust and distrust, love and apathy, controlled anger and meanness were so thin a person could cross over with no effort at all.

Feeling weary, she moved to the sofa. Lizzy melted into a nearby chair, and neither one spoke. The dancing flames in the hearth slowly faded, leaving mostly embers in their stead.

Beth reached for Lizzy’s hand. “I forgive you, Lizzy.” She squeezed gently before letting go. “And I understand making poor choices and keeping secrets. Besides, I can’t honestly blame you. I’ve been a mess for so long.”

“You’re just a little lost. Losing Henry was powerful hard on you. You’ll find love again. I know you will.”

“Lizzy…” Beth’s chest ached with the truth. “I wasn’t in love with Henry, not by the time of the accident. We had quite a brawl about it hours before he died.”

Her aunt’s eyes filled with shock and tears, but she remained outwardly calm. Beth had no doubt Lizzy would weep over the news when she let herself. Beth should have never tried to protect everyone. If she hadn’t, most of the pain of her failed relationship with Henry would be behind them.

“I’m taking off work tomorrow. I need to tell Daed and Omar things I should have told them long ago.”

A box of Christmas crafts sat on the other end of the couch. Beth moved the container to the floor, took off her shoes, and stretched out. She was worn out and should have gone home to sleep, but she and Lizzy needed each other tonight. “You didn’t start making Christmas cards as you planned.”

Lizzy shrugged. “After Gloria called, I wasn’t in the mood to be creative. I still have six weeks to get them made and delivered.”

Beth released a sigh she’d been holding since before Henry died. “I haven’t seen or felt Christmas in years. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it will ever come again.”

Lizzy covered her with a blanket and sat on the coffee table next to her. “You’ll start enjoying Christmas again. I know it. Just look at the steps you’re taking.”

“It’s taken me too long, and yet it’s not been nearly long enough.”

“You weren’t ready sooner. But it has been long enough.” Lizzy took the straight pins out of Beth’s prayer Kapp and lifted it from her head. “How did things go between you and Jonah?”

“Embarrassing. Awful. Awkward.” Beth closed her eyes and yawned. “Lizzy?”

Her aunt kissed her forehead. “Ya?”

Sleep pulled on her. “I don’t want to wear black anymore.”

“I’ll loan you anything you want while we make you new clothes.”

“I love you,” Beth mumbled as sleep took over. Even as sleigh bells began to jingle in her awaiting dream, she felt Lizzy tuck the blanket around her.

“I know you do.”

I
nside Lizzy’s home Beth watched her family, awed at the power of love. The kitchen table had been extended to make room for the whole family. Sunday afternoon conversations ran like threads through a homemade dress, each one helping to hold the family together. Her mother glanced at her and winked while feeding a grandbaby a spoonful of applesauce.

Beth’s Daed placed a piece of pie in front of her and sat on the bench seat beside her. “How’d we do?”

She ran her fork through the butternut squash pie and took a bite. “My part is perfect. Yours…not so much.”

“But we blended our ingredients, Bethie girl.”

“And mine is perfect.”

He chuckled. “Then I guess my part isn’t good enough for me to help you make desserts later this week for our Thanksgiving meal.”

“Oh, no. As a new cook, you have to help.” She squelched a giggle and leaned her shoulder into his. “You need the practice.”

Two weeks ago she had sat down with him and the bishop and told them everything. It’d been the first time she’d seen tears in her father’s eyes. Since that day Beth and her family had been taking the first steps on a journey to find healing.

Not long after meeting with Omar and her Daed, she’d returned to Henry’s grave one last time, a severing of ties of sorts. She’d gone there so many times since he’d died, not out of love and only partially out of guilt. Like so many other things, her reason for going was clearer now. During each visit she’d woven a rope that kept her tied to that cemetery.

Whether intentional or not, Henry had begun a cycle of fear—fear of displeasing him and fear of his anger. Before the breakup she’d been anxious over ending the relationship and fearful of what he’d do, fearful of what their families and the community would think of her. Oddly, his death hadn’t stopped what he’d begun. Before she’d worn her first black dress, fear had splintered into a hundred pieces inside her, and each one turned into a painful ulcer. To keep anyone from touching those spots, she’d pulled away before they got a chance.

Now, she understood, that was her past. Today she was new, with hope and promise for tomorrow. She wanted to stop fear from ruling her. She’d begun that process, but she imagined it would take a while to find all the places where splinters still hid.

The only thing truly missing from her life was the pleasure of writing to Jonah. She might write him one day, but she needed to sort through her thoughts, problems, and emotions on her own first. She was rebuilding herself—a better self.

Her rebuilding work wasn’t the only thing keeping her from writing to him. Since he’d been pulled into her life through trickery, she hesitated to reach out to him. Still, she should touch base with him. She might discover that he was waiting for her to contact him as he’d said before she left his home, or she might find that after he thought everything over, he’d changed his mind about her.

There was only one way to find out.

Jonah finished applying another coat of lacquer to the sleigh, then set the brush in a can of turpentine. He’d realized he’d been doing the same thing with the sleigh that Beth had been doing by wearing black—not letting go of the past nor truly entering the future.

In spite of all the work he’d done to the sleigh, including taking it to the blacksmith’s and having the runners reworked, it wasn’t finished yet. But it would be, and he’d give it to Beth as a Christmas present. He hadn’t yet figured out how he’d get it there. Even if the snow was perfect and he were willing to drive it, which he wasn’t, it couldn’t be driven all the way to Apple Ridge, Pennsylvania. But he still had time to figure it out. With each new coat of paint or lacquer, he prayed for Beth.

He walked to the mailbox, hoping the carrier had already run. Four weeks had passed without a word from her, but he kept checking. He’d asked that none of his family get his mail for him. Otherwise, after he checked the box, he had to check with his sister-in-law and grandmother to see if either of them had picked up his mail. Until Beth, he appreciated them bringing the mail in.

The dreary early-December sky spat the first sleet of the season. It wouldn’t amount to much, not right after Thanksgiving like this. He’d been using his time to help at his family’s lumberyard, to work on the sleigh, and to fill orders for Gabe. It felt good and right to use his carving skills again, but he had questions for Beth, legitimate business ones, and he couldn’t call her. He’d told her he wouldn’t reach out, and he wouldn’t. She had to make the first move. If his grandmother’s prayers were as powerful as he believed, and if Beth was truly the one for him, as he believed, then he’d just have to wait.

He opened his mailbox, seeing a couple of envelopes stuck between junk mail advertisements. Closing the box with his elbow, he flipped through the letters. Energy shot through him at the sight of Beth’s handwriting. He tore the envelope open.

Dear Jonah,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’m holding my own, having gone through—as you call them—several surgeries. The physical therapy isn’t nearly as bad as I thought. My Daed and I have had a lot of long talks. Omar, our bishop, is a kind and gentle man, who comes by my office two afternoons a week. He was one of Henry’s uncles here in Apple Ridge. He thought he’d seen shadows of Henry’s darker side, but he kept hoping he was mistaken.

Omar’s counsel and understanding have been deep and helpful. I carry my past with a sense of peace and faith in God’s mercy toward both Henry and myself.

How you stepped into my darkness, bringing a light no one else could, I’ll never know. But I want to thank you.

I spoke with Gabe, who said he talked to you last week but that you had a few questions he couldn’t answer. Please feel free to call the store at any time.

Gratefully yours,

    
Beth

As pleased as he was for permission to contact her, she sounded formal and professional. He should expect no less, he supposed. She’d been as injured in her relationship with Henry as Jonah had in the sleigh accident, only his injuries had not been hidden nor left to fester. Teams of skilled professionals, along with his family, openly addressed each issue month after month, year after year, until he was as healed as he’d ever get.