The Spellman Files (35 page)
Read The Spellman Files Online
Authors: Lisa Lutz
2
Paid homeless man to buy beer.
1
Statistically speaking, there are far more women than men working in education, so this was not an entirely reckless assumption.
1
The International Organization of Evil.
2
For instance, if you ask Hymie to “give you a hand,” he starts unscrewing his hand.
3
Named after the father of the evil scientist who created him.
4
Hymie looks human.
1
The International Organization of Evil.
1
The International Organization of Evil.
1
Baking powder looks more authentic but is much harder to snort.
1
I know you cannot say the same for me, and I’m okay with that.
2
And, yes, I kind of know what that feels like.
1
This list does not include one-night stands. That is a separate list, which will not be included in this document.
3
Example of aforementioned inside joke.
4
0% loans only will be mentioned.
5
Has lent me
a lot
of money and read perhaps more than anyone, including my supercrappy early screenplays.
6
Morgan’s husband and therefore money-lending applies to him as well.
7
She is only four, therefore, I have not borrowed money from her.
8
I don’t recall borrowing money from Julie, but she has bought me many drinks and employed me a few times.
9
Lent money, but didn’t read all that many drafts. Will need to step up if she wants mentioning in second book’s acknowledgments.
10
No, I will not buy you a car.
11
Lent money, read lots of drafts,
and
bought lots of drinks.
12
Read lots and lots of drafts, lent money,
and
has given me large household appliances and furniture.
1
I asked Petra what she wanted to do for her twenty-first birthday and she said, “Get high and go to the San Francisco Zoo.”
13
Any potential muggers who happen to be reading this should note this fact.
14
This would, in fact, have been a reasonable thing to do—all things considered.
15
For the record, Uncle Ray was not modeled after either one of my uncles.
16
Ibid.
17
Rent free!
18
Except Mike Joffe. I’m not acknowledging him.
19
Seriously, this book is
not
about you.
1
This is true: Shortly before my fifteenth birthday, Petra and I decided to teach ourselves how to hotwire a car. We checked out a book from the library called
Preventing Car Theft
(which, surprisingly, detailed exactly how to steal a car) and roamed the neighborhood (book in hand) for a car with a cracked window or unlocked door. We were caught shortly after midnight when the owner of the vehicle looked out his window, noticed the glow of a flashlight (reading light) coming from inside his car, and called the cops.
1
Aka Secret Agent 86.
2
Called “Satan Place.”
3
The International Organization of Evil (pronounced “chaos”).
4
Sock garter phone.
