The Stepmother (24 page)

“And I take it his son's just like him.”

Amber pulled herself into a little huddle, partly embarrassed, partly desperate to talk.

“A good kisser?”

“Mum!”

“What? You can tell me. It's very important. You don't want a washing machine, or some weird, dry, hollow kiss. Yuck.”

“He's only kissed me on the lips. Very softly. He's a gentleman.”

“Soft is good. Tongues are better.”

“Mummy! Ssh!”

“Sorry. But it's true.”

“Well, I'll let you know if it happens.”

“When, Amber Kent. When.”

The phone bleeped. She jumped. Excited.

“Don't stay up all night doing that.”

She winked at me. Definitely when.

I closed the door behind me, leaving love's young dream in the grip of one another's illiterate thoughts. The image of Amber falling in love made me feel warm and happy. This wasn't it. But it would be. One day. It was such fun. In the beginning. I stopped myself. Now, now. Of course there were dangers. But this was not a time for worry. She was fourteen. It was a first crush. The boy played guitar. That's all. Her life was still dominated by girlfriends. They hadn't even kissed properly. This wasn't serious.

I looked back down the corridor. Was it? How had they met? Not through school, obviously. He wasn't the brother of a friend…I must remember to ask her in the morning.

I took myself and my tea to bed. It was just after eleven. I should sleep, but I couldn't get the image of Amber's illuminated smile out of my head. And so we enter the world of boys. I couldn't help it—I was a little…not jealous, but regretful, I guess, of that smile. Discovering another human being was such an adventure. Intimacy was a great secret. Long talks late into the night provided an invaluable learning curve, because you learned as much about yourself as you did about the person you were talking to. Mostly it was just fun. And I missed that.

I turned my light off. I had been trying for four years to train myself to sleep in the middle of my double bed, but I still curled up on the right-hand side so that Jimmy had enough room. I missed him. I missed a physical presence. I missed the good-night kiss, however cursory it had become. I missed the hand snaking over to my side, wanting to play. I missed it even though I had hated it. Why had I hated it so much? Wouldn't it have made it all better? I edged over to his side of the bed and laid my arm across it. He had tried. He really had. But I hadn't wanted him to make me feel better. I hadn't deserved to feel better.

“Oh, Jimmy,” I mumbled into the pillow. I put my other hand down my pajamas and rested it between my legs. I pushed myself against it, egging it on, encouraging it out of its shyness. I groaned into the mattress. “Please,” I begged an invisible force. “Please.” What was I begging for? Intimacy, of course. To be touched. To be healed. To be filled again,
made whole. My index finger found its way between the folds of skin, but no further. I was dry as unbuttered toast.

 

I
HEARD NOTHING FROM
J
IMMY
until he called the following Wednesday to say he couldn't make pickup—which was in twenty minutes' time—but could he come over later and see the girls, as he had something important to tell them?

Twenty minutes! I was trying to be amenable, but twenty minutes was taking the piss. Angrily, I switched off the exercise video and ran to the car. I made it just in time but had no snack and Amber took forever to come out. My presence was not gratefully received—as if I had made Jimmy disappear! I was getting a bit fed up with always playing the bad guy. When he finally showed up, he caused havoc and two of our three daughters were in tears.

“I've got an announcement to make.” Jimmy smiled and spread his arms wide.

No preamble, no warning, no gently easing them into disappointment. Bam. Wedding's off.

“What?”

“Yup. Canceled.” Why was he grinning like that. How could he? We had talked of nothing else since the girls had discovered it wasn't a vetoed subject. I had even rewritten a bit of Amber's song. She couldn't wait to perform it. Could not wait! The girls walked around carrying imaginary bouquets everywhere they went. Scattering imaginary petals from imaginary baskets. Normally, this would have turned me into a basket case—except, damn it, everyone was so happy. I was sober, the beasts had slunk back into the shadows, for good, I thought, and I was better off without them. And now he saunters in here, smiling casually, and drops a bomb.

“What happened?” I asked, staggered. I couldn't disguise the fury in my voice.

“You mean I can't do my speech?” asked Amber.

“What about being bridesmaids?” pleaded Lulu.

“Isn't Tessa going to be our stepmother anymore?” It was Maddy who asked the question. The only one not in tears. But her chin was wobbling. She's too good.

We all waited for the answer.

“Well, you know we watched the video of Mummy and me getting married?”

Where was this going? Don't you dare blame it on that! Amber will never forgive herself.

“Well, Tessa thought we should do something different.” So now it was Amber and Tessa's fault. Well done, Jimmy. The girls reacted with stunned silence. Oh, Jimmy, they wanted that wedding again. They thought it was perfect. They thought it was how it was supposed to be. They didn't mind about the ending anymore. They just wanted the beginning again. What was there not to understand, Jimmy?

“So. We thought the beach.”

More silence.

“Caribbean. In May.”

“That's term time. You can't take them out of school in the middle of a term, Jimmy.”

“I thought in exceptional circumstances you can. Family stuff.”

“They mean bereavement, not a jolly. Amber has exams in June, Lulu is already—I mean, catching up is difficult, and Maddy has been picked for the football team.”

“RGS has a football team?”

I ignored him. “Can't you do it in the Easter holidays?”

“It's too expensive to get everyone out there and rooms…”

Well, don't look at me. Mother isn't going to pay for your second wedding. Bad luck. “Think of all the money you'll be saving on fairy lights,” I said.

Amber sniggered. Back in my camp. Then she remembered. “What about the band?”

“We've let them go.”

“What? Dad! I've worked…” She ran her hand through her hair, trying to control her disappointment. It had been a surprise. The song had been a surprise. Even now she didn't want to ruin it for her father, although he was ruining it for her.

“Jimmy, we've talked nothing but weddings for days. You can understand why they're a little”—God, I could wrap a frying pan around his head—“upset.”

“What about our dresses?”

“You won't need them on the beach. It'll be too hot. You can wear swimsuits.”

Maddy and Lulu gazed at me with wide, sorrowful eyes, and I knew they were mentally replacing their beautiful fairy frocks with dark blue standard-issue Speedos. Make it better, Mummy. Make it better. Amber looked at me too. Make it better, Mummy. Make it better. Think, think, think.

“Okay. Well, you're still having the engagement party, right?”

Jimmy nodded.

“Well, can't the girls be bridesmaids at that?”

“With no bride?” asked Maddy.

“A minor detail, darling. She'll be there, the bride-to-be. You could be bride-to-be-maids.”

They didn't go wild for it, but I wasn't thrown out of court either. “And I'm sure Tessa wouldn't object to some flower-throwing on the beach. You could get to do it twice!” I turned to Amber. “And I bet there'll be dancing and music at the party. There's never been a Kent party without live music, ever. Right, Jimmy?” I glared at him.

“Of course there'll be dancing.”

“And live music?” I said pointedly.

He frowned, then nodded slowly. “And…live…music.”

“See? Everything's fine.”

“Yes, it is! Live music, didn't I tell you? A great band, a great band.” All right, shut up now, just in case you can't find one at the last minute! The rebellion calmed. Jimmy and I walked through to the kitchen.

“What the hell was that about?” said Jimmy.

“I can't tell you, but you'd better get a band now. And you'd better tell Tessa—and fast.”

“The engagement party was supposed to be just for mates, Bea.”

“Tough shit. You don't build a bonfire in front of your children, then refuse to light it at Guy Fawkes. I know exactly what dress Amber wants to wear and it will cost you a small fortune, and the girls just want lots and lots of netting. Harrods, Sally, fourth floor. It'll be done in minutes.”

“Oh, thank you, Bea.”

“I'm not doing it, Jimmy. You have to.”

He looked as if I'd slapped him. It was actually quite funny. But it didn't make me laugh. Then he hugged me. “I'm beginning to wonder if I'd be getting married at all if it wasn't for you.”

Boy, do you know how to make a girl feel good!

“Thank you, Bea, again and again and again.”

 

B
ETWEEN US, WE PULLED IT
off. The engagement party became the wedding, and the wedding was relocated to a beach at some unspecified date in the future, depending on deals. Tessa found a band. Which didn't surprise me: working in the music business, she must have some uses. And I remained sober. Sometimes I felt worse than any hangover had made me feel. I was shaky. I sweated profusely and had a hacking cough. I went through a box of sugar-free Smints a day and a lot of V8. But I didn't drink.

Finally, the weekend of the big event arrived. I packed the girls into the car on Friday morning with their bags. I dropped them off at school, then drove on to Jimmy's to hand over the recently ironed dresses so they wouldn't get crumpled. He was suited and booted, devilishly handsome with his salt-and-pepper hair and blue eyes.

“I can't wait to see them all dressed up,” he said, taking the dresses from me and throwing them over the banister. My heart sank, but I bit my lip. “Thanks, Bea.”

“Amber's paraded around the house in hers every evening since you bought it. It's almost scary how good she looks in it.” Don't nag. Don't nag. “You'll hang it up, won't you?”

“'Course, right now.”

Part of me longed to ask if I could come to the party too. Just to see her. I was feeling so strong I thought I could cope.

“I'll make sure lots of photos are taken,” said Jimmy, as if preempting me.

No. The ex-wife does not go to the ball. What was I thinking? “Have a wonderful time, Jimmy. Don't let Amber drink.”

“She doesn't even like the taste.”

I raised an eyebrow. “And she's never kissed a boy either.”

Jimmy blocked his ears. “I don't want to know.”

“Don't worry, he seems nice.”

“I'm glad you like him.”

“I do. Well, I'd better be off. Have a great time.”

“You okay?”

I nodded. “Good. Off to meet a friend for breakfast, so better go.”

He leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the cheek. “I'll drop them back on Sunday.”

I waved a casual, whatever, hand and walked away.

 

F
ROM THERE IT ALL WENT
steadily downhill. First I got a ticket. A knock like fifty quid hurts me. Then I ran out of petrol. I was furious—how stupid was that? Carmen, bless her, rescued me with a can of unleaded and a coffee and followed me to the petrol station, where my card was refused.

By the time we walked into the café, I felt as if I'd done an assault course, and eyed an almond croissant with lust.

“I'm so sorry,” I said again, watching Carmen pay for the fruit salad and black coffee.

“Stop it. And if you need cash, I've got that too.”

“It must be some mistake. I can't have reached my overdraft limit already. I haven't been out.”

We carried the tray to a table in the window and I dug out the sticky plastic fork from the pot of fruit salad.

“So what are you going to do to keep yourself sane this weekend?” she asked.

“I was thinking lobotomy.”

“Isn't that the carpool?”

“Twice around the park with
Anna Karenina
on the iPod, followed by the boxed set of
Six Feet Under
. Reflect my mood.”

“Oh, my God, that sounds like bliss.” Sounded suicidal to me. Carmen took a bite of her croissant. “What's this boyfriend like?” She waited for my response, but I was staring at the door. “Bea?”

“I don't believe it. I was just talking about her.”

Carmen looked around. “Who?”

“See that woman? That's so weird…She was my maid of honor.”

“So why are you hiding in my armpit?”

I pulled back. “I haven't seen her since Amber was born. We used to
have such a laugh after work, but it got harder and I had to get home so Jimmy could go off to another bollocks meeting that wouldn't lead to anything. She gave up on me eventually.”

“Go and say hello.”

“I can't.”

“For God's sake. Old friends are vital, Bea. I'd be a nutcase without mine.”

I looked at her, embarrassed that to me she was an old friend. Was five years at the school gates my criterion now? “You're right,” I said, feeling momentarily bullish. I stood up and walked over to Suzie's table. She looked exactly the same and I couldn't help smiling as I approached. “Suzie?”

She squinted against the glare of sunshine behind me. “Hi.”

“It's been so long, I can't believe it. How are you?”

She glanced at her friend, then back at me. “Good, good, really good.”

“Honestly, I was talking about you only a few days ago.”

“To?”