The Stranger's Woes (15 page)

“Yes, I will. I’m usually so careful I can’t stand myself.”

“Careful? You?” someone cackled nervously behind my back. It must have been Lieutenant Kamshi. He was still somewhat wild-eyed and shaken after my exploits at the levers of the amobiler this morning.

“Eagle scouts!” I said, calling my dead bodyguards to attention. “You must protect me from your Jiffa at any cost. Is that clear?”

“We are with you, Master!” the terrible troops assured me with languid enthusiasm.

I sighed. Some picnic this was turning out to be.

“More of our men are on the way, but Jiffa’s not with them,” a voice rang out from the ravine.

“Glad to hear it.”

I snapped my fingers again. My regiment was growing by the minute. If only the poor blokes knew how sickened I was by their servile repetition.

A few more minutes passed. Finally I sensed the approach of something new. I was filled with a kind of dull relief. Here was something to break the monotony.

“Are you with me, Angels of Hell?” I said to the corpses.

“We are with you, Master!” they assured me.

“Your job is to capture Jiffa and bring him to me. Is that clear?”

“At your service, Master!”

They were as good as their word. I heard a melee, the sound of dull thuds, and hoarse, muffled curses. Then a remarkably striking face appeared at my feet. At one time the fellow must have been quite a beauty. Neither time, nor deep wrinkles, nor the unsightly scar stretching across his dirt-smeared face could mar such a lovely background. It was a face that asked to be photographed, not taken prisoner. His luxuriant bright-red crest lifted in the wind, and his blue eyes stared at me in cold fury. All three dozen of his former friends held him in a death-grip, but I wasn’t so sure they’d hold it for long. I managed to snap the fingers of my left hand, and a green ball of lightning sped straight to Red Jiffa’s left eyebrow, just at the point where the terrible scar began. The ball then scattered into a thousand tiny harmless flames that died out as if they had never been. Not wasting any time, I spat in his face. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing—as though I wore the Mantle of Death just to pass the time of day.

If it weren’t for my former exploits, I might have started doubting my professional expertise.

Red laughed spitefully. “You’re a wretched wizard, stranger!” he said in an unexpectedly high voice that cracked like a boy’s. “Maybe you’re a bit better than I am, but my shield was made by a Grand Master!”

“He’s telling the truth, Max,” Melamori said. “This handsome lad doesn’t have any special powers of his own, but someone forged an excellent shield for him. You can’t harm him. You’ll never break through it. Now I understand why it was so hard for me to step on his trace, and why you were completely helpless.”

“And what does one do in such cases, O unforgettable one?” I said wearily. “Should I ask the boys to hold him tighter and then run after Juffin? Like, hold on a minute, I’ll be right back? Or do you have any other suggestions?”

“Of course I do.” Melamori burst out laughing. “Your loyal slaves can join forces with the trusty policemen and simply tie up their former leader. There isn’t a single magic shield that can withstand a strong rope. In any case we have to transport him to Echo, where Sir Juffin can deal with him.”

“Gentlemen.” I turned solemnly to the policemen. “We need a strong rope, and fast. You see what a mean geezer we’ve got on our hands. Any suggestions?”

“Will belts work?” Captain Shixola began unbuckling the belt on which his weapons were fastened.

“Boys, take off your belts! We’ll swaddle him up like a mummy.”

“Do you need any help?” I asked the dead men.

“Yes, Master,” they mumbled plaintively. “We need your help. We can hold him, but tell your men to tie him. He’s too strong for us.”

“Darn dead puppets!” Jiffa retorted in contempt. He looked at me with more sadness than wrath. “Never try to resurrect dead friends, stranger. It’s bound to fail with such lousy wizards as you and me.”

“I’m not such an idiot that I’d try to resurrect my dead friends. That’s disgusting.” I turned away from Jiffa hurriedly and addressed the policemen. “Well, gentlemen, don’t just stand there. My lads need help—you heard them. Working beside them isn’t terribly pleasant, I know, but if this mean gentleman breaks loose, it will be a whole lot worse. No need to wrinkle up your nose, Melamori. Your work is done, so my invitation doesn’t concern you. Come on, boys, hop to it!”

“Thank you, Max,” Melamori said with a slightly bitter grin. “How sweet of you. I think I’ll take advantage of your offer. The sight of these beauty boys turns my stomach.”

The policemen, judging from the expressions on their faces, concurred. They had no inclination whatsoever to go down into the ravine.

“Hey, what’s wrong, did the whole bunch of you turn chicken? Feet stuck in the mud?” a voice from behind called out. Sinning Magicians, it was my own personal scribe! I had completely forgotten about him. Anday Pu, meanwhile, marched out in front and took the lead.

“Look sharp, people! Let me lend this moribund bunch a hand, Max. It’s not going to kill me.”

“Great, only make it snappy.”

had neither the strength nor the time to praise Anday Pu’s efforts, but I hope my gratitude was written across my forehead.

The tubby fellow gathered the belts and slipped into the ravine with unexpected grace. Within a few seconds he had boldly assumed command of my dead assistants. Jiffa moaned, growled, gnashed his teeth, and cursed so eloquently that I was green with envy.

I turned to the policemen with selfless readiness. Lieutenant Kamshi took the remaining belts and followed behind. Shixola sighed and joined him. The other policemen shuffled their feet, glanced around furtively, and finally, one by one, crawled down into the ravine.

“Don’t forget to gag his mouth,” I called out after them. “You’ll be the ones who have to listen to him.”

Within the space of five minutes Red Jiffa was neatly gagged and bound in a leather cocoon. They had even remembered to fasten the buckles. Sinning Magicians, that shut him up!

Combining their efforts, they managed to pull Jiffa out of the ravine and place him like an offering at my feet. The three dozen dead men hovered nearby. Anday Pu, as grand as the statue of King Gurig VII, looked at them askance.

“You made your pirate granddad proud, old friend!” I said, and turned to the policemen, who were wiping their hands off fastidiously with clumps of grass.

“Well done, boys. Here are your Magaxon Foxes, the whole lot of them. Do with them what you will. I’m spent.”

I slumped down in the moist grass and gazed with delight at the pale morning sky. There, above the trees, a solitary bird was circling. At that moment it seemed to me I loved that bird like life itself . . .

My musings were interrupted by a strange noise. I raised my head slightly, trying to look beyond the colored spots before my eyes. The policemen were standing in a circle around me and applauding, like passengers on an airplane when it touches the runway after a rough flight.

“Yeah,” I whispered. “That’s right. I’m a hero. I had a bottle of Elixir around here. Anyone know where it is?”

“It’s in the pocket of your looxi, Max,” Melamori said. “Do you feel like going beddy-bye or something?”

“Yep.”

I rummaged around in my pocket. There was the bottle of Elixir, indeed. I took a sizable gulp, waited a bit, then realized it wasn’t enough. I took another. The annoying spots retreated into the void. Little by little the world assumed its familiar outlines.

“Well, boys, time to go home,” I said. “Or do you want to bring out the sandwiches for a picnic? No, I see that doesn’t tempt you.”

“Sir Max, what should we do with them?” Shixola said with an expression of horror.

“Nothing,” I said. “I can’t kill them—you saw that yourselves. I could keep spitting, but it would take until next year to get the job done. In any case, they’ll come in handy. Let them carry their quarry Jiffa and follow behind me.”

“On foot? But we have only one amobiler, and the boys all came on their own devices,” Lieutenant Kamshi said, somewhat at a loss. “I guess we could find some transportation at the villages, but that will take until next year, too.”

“Of course they’ll go by foot. At a trot. If you sit at the levers, they’ll easily keep up with us. What else can we do?” I turned to the corpses. “Are you coming with me to Echo, eagle scouts? Can you run fast?”

“We will follow you, Master!” said these ideal underlings in chorus.

“Excellent. Let’s go, gentlemen. I’m wiped out.”

“You do look terrible, Max,” Melamori said. “Your lightning flashes must really drain you of energy.”

“Most likely. But it’s so easy to do.”

“That’s very common. For everything that comes easy you have to pay a high price in the end,” Melamori said.

Then we went to the clearing where we had left the amobiler. My undead marched behind devotedly, toting the mummy-like load of their former leader. Anday Pu stayed right by my side, throwing supercilious glances at the dead men.

“We can stuff him in the amobiler,” Lieutenant Kamshi said. “Then you and Lady Melamori can deliver him to Echo, and I’ll go to the village with the rest of the boys.”

“No, no,” I said. “We’ll return as we came, all together. Do as I say. Sit behind the levers, and go slowly so my little dead soldiers don’t run out of breath. They’ll manage. I think Jiffa will be happier in the company of his old friends, too.”

“You are a cruel man, Sir Max,” Sir Kamshi said quietly.

“You really think so?” I said, surprised. “That never occurred to me. But cruel is as cruel does.” And I laughed maliciously. “These fellows died long ago, by the way. And why are you so sure you know what’s good and what’s bad for them? Right now they’re only interested in one thing—carrying out my orders. When these guys are trailing behind my amobiler trying to keep up, they’ll be as happy as clams, believe me. As for Sir Jiffa, he hasn’t been in the land of the living for a long time either, has he?What difference does it make what a dead body does if its master isn’t there anymore?”

Kamshi shook his head and went to the amobiler. Captain Shixola threw him a puzzled glance and looked over at me. Then he shrugged and went to give his final instructions to his subordinates. They still faced a long trek to the Capital, making their way by their own means.

Melamori touched my shoulder gently. “Don’t pay any attention to him, Max. Kamshi has always had his little eccentricities. And you were absolutely right.”

“Right or not, what does it matter?” I smiled. “Thanks anyway. He did a good job of spoiling my mood, that’s for sure. I don’t even know why myself.”

“You’re just tired. Anything could spoil it. Try to get some sleep on the road if you can.”

“I can,” I said. “The trouble is, I could lie down and sleep right here. Get in touch with Juffin, okay? I don’t have the strength to send him a call. Ask him if maybe I’m overdoing things here.”

“Okay,” said Melamori. She sat down on the grass and stared intently into space. A minute later she looked at me and winked. “Did you doubt it for a second, Max? Our chief is delighted with your idea. He says the Capital has never witnessed such a thing: a bunch of corpses marching in step through the whole of Echo behind an official amobiler of the Ministry of Perfect Public Order. And the noble Sir Kamshi can just eat the infamous giant mushroom of his boss!”