the STRUGGLE (39 page)

“I like that name,” Leon spoke up. “It’ll be nice to have another boy cousin.”

“I’m sure Dad will be happy to hear you named the baby after him.” Samuel motioned to the table. “If you haven’t had breakfast yet, you’re welcome to join us.”

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m too excited to eat anything right now. I’ve gotta call the folks and leave ’em a message. And I want to stop and tell Timothy the news. Then I’ll be heading back to the hospital to see how my fraa and boppli are doing.”

“What about Suzanne’s family?” Esther questioned. “Do they know about the baby?”

Titus bobbed his head. “Suzanne’s mamm went with us to the hospital last night, so she was there when the boppli came.”

“I’ll bet she was excited,” Esther said. “Especially since this is her first grandchild.”

“Jah. Since Nelson seems to be in no hurry to find himself a wife, our little Abe will probably be the only grandchild for Suzanne’s mamm to dote on for some time.” Titus rolled his eyes. “Which means he’ll probably end up bein’ spoiled.”

“We’re really happy for you,” Samuel said. “There’s nothing quite like becoming a parent.” He patted the top of Jared’s head.

Esther smiled. She knew how much Samuel loved his children and hoped it wouldn’t be long before they could have a child of their own to add to this happy family.

Paradise, Pennsylvania

Fannie had just finished making french toast for breakfast when Abraham ambled into the kitchen with a smug-looking smile. “I’ve got some good news,” he said, clasping Fannie’s arm.

“Glad to hear it, because it’ll be nice to get some good news for a change. Seems like there’s too much bad going on in our world these days.”

“I just came from the phone shack, and there was a message from Titus.”

“Oh? What’d it say?”

“Suzanne had her boppli last night, and they named him after me.”

Fannie smiled widely. “They had a boy?”

“Jah. A big, healthy boy, at that.”

“That’s wunderbaar! Just think, Abraham, this gives us forty-eight kinskinner, not counting dear little, departed Mindy. Oh, I wish we could go to Kentucky right now so we could see the new boppli.”

“We’ll go soon, Fannie—unless Titus and Suzanne decide to come here first.”

She shook her head. “That’s not likely to happen. From what Titus said the last time we talked, things are really busy in the woodshop right now, so I doubt he’ll be taking time off for a trip anytime soon. Besides, it’s a whole lot easier for us to travel than it would be for a young couple with a new baby.”

“You’re probably right, so we’ll go there soon. But I think we should give ’em some time to adjust to being parents before we barge in, don’t you?”

She nodded slowly. “I suppose you’re right, and when we do go, it’ll be nice to see Samuel and his family, as well as Timothy.”

Abraham took a seat. “Speaking of Timothy, have you been able to talk to Hannah yet? You did promise him you’d try to talk her into going back to Kentucky, right?”

“Jah, I did, but every time I’ve gone over to the Kings’ place, I’ve only seen Sally.” Fannie sighed deeply. “She always gives me the excuse that Hannah’s resting or isn’t feeling up to company. Makes me wonder if I’ll ever get the chance to speak to Hannah face-to-face.”

“Well, don’t give up. One of these days when you stop over there, Sally’s bound to be gone, and then she won’t be able to run interference for Hannah.” Abraham grunted. “Wouldn’t surprise me one bit if she doesn’t do it just so she can keep Hannah all to herself. You and I both know that Hannah’s mamm had such a tight hold on Hannah before Timothy moved them to Kentucky that it was choking the life out of their marriage. Now that Hannah’s back home and livin’ under her folks’ roof again, Sally will probably do most anything to keep Hannah there.”

“Oh, I hope that’s not the case.” Fannie set the platter of french toast on the table and took a seat beside Abraham. “As soon as we’re done with breakfast, I’m going over to see Hannah again. Since I promised Timothy I would talk to her, I need to keep trying.”

Hannah had just entered the kitchen when a wave of nausea ran through her. She clutched her stomach and groaned. This was the third day in a row that she’d felt sick to her stomach soon after she’d gotten out of bed.
Could I be pregnant?
she wondered.
Oh, surely not. I don’t see how…
.

Hannah’s thoughts took her to the last night she’d spent in Kentucky. She remembered how she’d allowed herself to find comfort in Timothy’s arms and had awakened the next morning fearful that because of her willingness to be with him, he’d gotten the wrong idea. Had Timothy believed she’d forgiven him and that things were better between them? Well, he ought to know that just wasn’t possible! Even if Hannah was carrying Timothy’s child, she could never return to Kentucky and be the wife Timothy wanted and expected her to be. The only way Hannah could cope with Mindy’s death was to stay right here in the safety of her parents’ home.

Hannah had just put the teakettle on the stove when her mother entered the kitchen. “I’m going shopping as soon as we’re done with breakfast, and I was hoping you’d come with me,” Mom said.

Hannah shook her head. “I don’t feel like it, Mom. I just want to stay here.”

“Oh, but Hannah, you’ve been cooped up in this house ever since you came home, and I think it would be good for you to get out for a few hours.”

“I can’t. I might see someone from Timothy’s family, and then they’d probably tell me I was wrong to leave Timothy and that my place is in Kentucky with him.” Hannah leaned against the counter as another wave of nausea rolled through her stomach.

“Are you feeling all right? You look pale,” Mom said with a worried frown. “Are you grank?”

“I’m fine. Just tired, is all.”

“That’s because you’re not sleeping well. I think you should let me take you to the doctor and see if he’ll prescribe some sleeping pills.”

Hannah shook her head vigorously. “I don’t want any sleeping pills. I sleep when I need to—sometimes during the day. I’m sure I’ll feel better once I’ve had some breakfast.”

Mom pulled Hannah into her arms for a hug. “I can’t help but worry about you. Maybe I should wait until tomorrow to do my shopping.”

“I’ll be fine. Go ahead with your plans.”

“All right, then. Is there anything you’d like me to pick up for you while I’m out and about?”

Hannah shook her head. “There’s nothing I need.”
Except a sense of peace I may never feel
, she added to herself.

Soon after Mom left, Hannah decided to sit on the porch for a while because it was so hot and stuffy in the house. With a cup of peppermint tea in one hand, she took a seat on the porch swing and tried to relax. Besides the nausea that still plagued her, the muscles in her back and neck were tense. She leaned heavily against the back of the swing and concentrated on the noisy buzz of the cicadas coming from the many trees in her parents’ yard.

Hannah had only been sitting a few minutes when a horse and buggy pulled into the yard. Her first impulse was to dash into the house, but curious to see who it was, she stayed. When she saw Fannie Fisher climb down from the buggy, Hannah felt her heart pound.
Oh no! Not her! I can’t deal with the questions I’m sure she’s likely to ask
.

Hannah jumped up and was about to run into the house when Fannie called, “Stay right there, Hannah! I need to speak to you!”

Feeling like a defenseless fly trapped in the web of a spider, Hannah collapsed onto the swing. She supposed she couldn’t avoid Timothy’s mother forever, so she might as well get it over with. Maybe after she explained how she felt about things, Hannah wouldn’t be bothered by Fannie again.

“Wie geht’s?” Fannie asked as she joined Hannah on the porch.

“I’m surprised to see you,” Hannah mumbled, avoiding Fannie’s question about how she was doing.

“I’ve come by several times to see you, but your mamm’s always said you weren’t up to company.”

Hannah didn’t say anything—just waited for the barrage of questions she figured was forthcoming.

Fannie shifted from one foot to the other; then without invitation, she took a seat in one of the wicker chairs. “I understand that you’re hurting, Hannah. Losing Mindy was a horrible tragedy, and we all miss her.”

Just hearing Mindy’s name and seeing the look of compassion on Fannie’s face made Hannah feel like crying.

“I also understand why you may have felt that you needed to get away from Kentucky for a while,” Fannie continued. “But have you considered how much this is hurting Timothy? He’s grieving for Mindy, too, you know.”

Hannah’s jaw clenched. “I’m sure he is, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s his fault our little girl is dead.”

A pained expression crossed Fannie’s face. “Timothy blames himself, too, but all the blame in the world won’t bring Mindy back.”

“Don’t you think I know that? When I discovered Mindy lying on the ground so still, I begged God for a miracle, but He chose not to give me one. Instead, He snatched my only child away when He could have stopped it from happening in the first place.” Hannah couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice, and it was a struggle not to give in to the tears pricking the back of her eyes.

“You know, even with a brand-new screen on a window, someone could still fall through if they ran into it too hard or leaned heavily against it. Screens are only meant to keep bugs out, not prevent people from falling out of windows.”

Hannah offered no response. She was sure Mindy had fallen out the window because the screen was broken, and nothing Fannie could say would change her mind.

“You’re right that God could have prevented Mindy’s death,” Fannie said with tears in her eyes. “He could let us go through life protected from every horrible thing that could hurt us.”

“Then why doesn’t He?”

“I don’t know all of God’s ways, but I do know that whenever He allows bad things to happen to His people, He can take those things and use them for good.” Fannie slipped her arm around Hannah’s shoulder. “But we have to decide to let it work for our good and not allow bitterness and resentment to take over. We can choose to let God help us with the hurts and disappointments we must face.”

Hannah’s throat felt so clogged, she couldn’t speak. What Fannie said, she’d heard before from one of the ministers in their church. But letting go of her hurt wouldn’t bring Mindy back, and besides, she didn’t think she could do it. Hannah felt the need to hold on to something—even if it was the hurt and bitterness she harbored against Timothy.

As though sensing Hannah’s confusion and inability to let go of her pain, Fannie said, “The only way you’ll ever rise above your grief is to forgive my son. Bitterness and resentment will hurt you more in the long run, and when you do the right thing, Hannah, God will give you His peace. Won’t you please return to Kentucky and try to work things out with Timothy?”

Hannah looked away, tears clouding her vision. “I just can’t.”

Fannie sat for several minutes; then she finally rose to her feet. “I pray that you’ll change your mind about that, for your sake, as well as my son’s.” She moved toward the porch steps but halted and turned to look at Hannah. “Oh, before I go, I thought you might like to know that Suzanne had a baby boy last night. They named him Abraham, and I guess they’re planning to call him Abe for short.”