the STRUGGLE (34 page)

Over and over, Hannah had replayed the horrible event that had taken place three days ago. Looking out Mindy’s bedroom window and seeing her daughter’s body on the ground below had nearly been Hannah’s undoing. After she’d gone to the phone shanty to call for help, she’d returned to Mindy and stayed there until the paramedics came. Hannah, though clinging to the hope that it might not be true, had known even before help arrived that Mindy was gone. Yet in her desperation, she’d continued to pray for a miracle—asking the Lord to bring Mindy back to life the way He had the little girl whose death was recorded in Matthew 9.

If God could do miracles back then, why not now?
Hannah asked herself as she gazed at Mindy’s lifeless body. But Hannah’s pleas were for nothing. Mindy was dead, and God could have prevented it from happening—and so could Timothy.
If only he had put in those screens when I asked him to
. A deep sense of bitterness welled in Hannah’s soul.
If Mindy hadn’t fallen through that broken screen, she would still be alive—running, laughing, playing, picking dandelions
.

Her stomach tightened as she thought about the comment their bishop’s wife had made when she and the bishop had come to their house for the viewing. “I guess our dear Lord must have needed another angel.”

He shouldn’t have taken my angel! I needed Mindy more than He did
. Hannah lowered her head into the palms of her hands and wept.

“It’s time for us to go the cemetery now,” Timothy said, touching Hannah’s arm.

Hannah didn’t budge.
I don’t want to go. I don’t want to watch as my only child is put in the cold, hard ground
.

Hannah’s mother stepped between them and slipped her arm around Hannah’s waist. “Everyone’s waiting outside for us, Hannah. We need to go now.”

Hannah, not trusting her voice, could only nod and be led away on shaky legs. How thankful she was for Mom’s support. Without it, she would have collapsed.

Outside, a sea of faces swam before Hannah’s blurry eyes—her brothers and their families, Timothy’s parents and most of his family, as well as many from their community. Most were already seated in their horse-drawn buggies, preparing to follow the hearse that would take Mindy’s body to the cemetery. A few people remained outside their buggies waiting to go.

Hannah shuddered. She’d attended several funerals, but none had been for a close family member. To lose anyone was horrible, but to lose her own child was unbearable—the worst possible pain. Hannah feared she might die from a broken heart and actually wished that she could. It would be better than going through the rest of her life without Mindy. Yes, Hannah would welcome the Angel of Death right now if he came knocking at her door.

Once Hannah’s parents had taken seats in the back of the buggy, Hannah numbly took her place up front beside Timothy. She blinked, trying to clear the film of tears clouding her vision, and leaned heavily against the seat. Oh, how her arms ached to hold her beloved daughter and make everything right. If only there was some way she could undo the past.

As the buggy headed down the road toward the cemetery, the hooves of the horse were little more than a plodding walk. Even Dusty, who was usually quite spirited, must have sensed this was a solemn occasion.

When they arrived at the cemetery, Hannah sat in the buggy until the pallbearers removed Mindy’s casket from the hearse and carried it to the grave site. Then she and all the others followed.

After everyone had gathered around the grave, the bishop read a hymn while the coffin was lowered and the grave filled in by the pallbearers. With each shovelful of dirt, Hannah sank deeper into despair, until her heart felt as if it were frozen.

Even though Hannah hadn’t actually spoken the words, Timothy knew she blamed him for Mindy’s death. Truth was, he blamed himself, too. If only he’d taken the time to replace the screens, the horrible accident that had taken their child’s life would not have happened. If he could just go back and change the past, they wouldn’t be standing in the cemetery right now saying their final good-byes.

A lump formed in Timothy’s throat as he tried to focus on the words of the hymn their bishop was reading: “ ‘
Ah, good night to those I love so; Good night to my heart’s desire; Good night to those hearts full of woe; Out of love they weep distressed. Tho’ I from you pass away; In the grave you lay my clay; I will rise again securely, Greet you in eternity.’ ”

Timothy glanced at his parents and saw Mom’s shoulders shake as she struggled with her emotions. Dad looked pale as he put his arm around her.

Timothy looked at Hannah’s parents and saw Sally sniffing as she swiped at the tears running down her cheeks. Johnny stood beside her with a pained expression.

Nearly everyone from Timothy and Hannah’s families had come for the funeral, and each of their somber faces revealed the depth of their compassion and regret over the loss of Mindy.
Do they all think I’m responsible for Mindy’s death?
he wondered.
I wouldn’t blame them if they did
.

Timothy’s gaze came to rest on Hannah. Her face looked drawn, with dark circles beneath her eyes. She hadn’t slept much in the last three days, and when she had gone to bed, she had slept in Mindy’s room—probably out of a need to somehow feel closer to her. Timothy missed having Hannah beside him at night, for he desperately needed her comfort. If she could just find it in her heart to forgive him, perhaps he might be able to forgive himself.

The bishop’s reading finally ended, and everyone bowed their heads to silently pray the Lord’s Prayer. Timothy noticed how the veins on Hannah’s hands protruded as she clasped her hands tightly together and bowed her head. He suspected she was only going through the motions of praying, because that’s what he was doing. What he really wanted to do was look up at the sky and shout, “Dear God: How could You have taken our only child? Don’t You care how much we miss her?”

When the prayer ended, most of the mourners moved away from the grave site, but Hannah remained, hands clasped, rocking back and forth on her heels.

“Hannah, it’s time for us to go now. We must return to the house and spend time with our guests,” Timothy said, gently touching her shoulder.

Hannah wouldn’t even look at him. Finally, Hannah’s mother and father led her slowly away.

Timothy stayed at the grave site a few more minutes, fighting to gain control of his emotions. He knew he had to find a way through the difficult days ahead, but he didn’t know how. Worse yet, he feared that his wife, who’d been so close to their daughter, might never be the same.

C
HAPTER
42

Paradise, Pennsylvania

I
’m worried about Timothy and Hannah,” Fannie told Abraham as they ate breakfast a week after they’d returned from Kentucky.

“I know you are, Fannie, but worrying won’t change a thing.” Abraham rested his hand on her arm. “We’re told in 1 Peter 5:7 to cast all our cares on Him.”

“I realize that, but it’s hard when you see a loved one hurting and know there’s nothing you can do to ease their pain.”

“There most certainly is. We can pray for them, offer encouraging words, and listen and be there when they want to talk.”

“You’re right.” Fannie sighed. “I just wish we could have stayed in Kentucky longer. I really think Timothy and Hannah need us right now.”

“But remember, Fannie, Hannah’s folks are still there, and I think it might have been too much if we’d stayed, too.”

“But we could have stayed with Samuel,” she argued. “There’s plenty of room in that big house of his, and we would have been able to go over often and check on Timothy and Hannah.”

Abraham stroked Fannie’s hand. “We’ll be going back in a few weeks for Samuel and Esther’s wedding. I’m sure Hannah’s folks will be gone by then, and it’ll give us a chance to spend more time with Hannah and Timothy.”

“That’s true, but how can we celebrate what should be a joyous occasion when our son and his wife are in such deep grief?”

“While there will be some sadness, it’ll be good for everyone to focus on something positive,” he said. “Samuel went through a lot when he lost Elsie, and he deserves to be happy with Esther.”

Fannie nodded. “You’re right. And since I’ve come to know Esther fairly well, I believe she’s the right woman for Samuel and his kinner.”

“I agree, and I hope Timothy and Hannah are able to be at the wedding, too, because I’m sure Samuel would be disappointed if they didn’t come.”

“Do you really think Hannah will be up to going? You know how upset she’s been since Mindy died.” Fannie paused, feeling the pain of it all herself. “Abraham, it about broke my heart to see the way she shut Timothy out. She barely looked at him the day of Mindy’s funeral.”

“I know.”

“Timothy thinks she blames him for Mindy’s death.” Fannie’s forehead wrinkled. “Do you think our son is responsible for the tragedy?”

Abraham shrugged. “Guess there’s a little blame on everyone’s shoulders. Timothy for not putting in new screens; Hannah for not keeping a closer watch on Mindy; and even little Mindy, who shouldn’t have been playing near the window.” He sighed. “But as I told Timothy when I spoke to him on the phone last night, blaming himself or anyone else will not bring Mindy back.”

Fannie nodded slowly. “You’re right, of course, but it’s a hard fact to swallow.”

“I also reminded our son that in order to find the strength to press on, he needs to spend time alone with God.”

“That was very good advice,” Fannie said. “I just hope Timothy will heed what you said.”

Pembroke, Kentucky

“You really need to eat something,” Sally said, offering Hannah a piece of toast.

Hannah shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

Sally frowned. She was worried sick about her daughter. Over the last week, a number of women from the community had brought food, but Hannah wouldn’t eat anything unless she was forced to. She simply sat quietly in the rocking chair, holding Mindy’s doll.

If all I can do is offer comfort and sit beside Hannah, then that’s what I’ll do
, Sally thought, taking a seat beside Hannah. “You can take comfort in knowing that Mindy is in a better place,” she said, placing her hand on Hannah’s arm.

“Better place? What could be better for my little girl than to be right here with me?” Hannah’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits. “It’s Timothy’s fault Mindy is dead! If he’d just put new screens in the windows like I asked—”

“Kannscht ihn verge ware?”
Johnny asked as he entered the room.

Hannah slowly shook her head. “No, I don’t think I can ever forgive him.”

Johnny stood beside Hannah and placed his hand on her shoulder. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that we don’t get to choose our fate. We can only learn how to live through it.”

Hannah just continued to rock, staring straight ahead.

“God doesn’t spare us trials,” Sally said. “But He does help us overcome them.”

Hannah made no reply.

“Maybe we should leave her alone for a while.” Johnny nudged Sally’s arm and motioned to the kitchen. “Let’s go eat breakfast. Timothy’s finishing his chores in the barn, and I’m sure he’ll be hungry when he comes in.”

Sally hesitated. She really wished Hannah would join them for breakfast but didn’t want to force the issue. Maybe Johnny was right about Hannah needing some time alone; she had been hovering over her quite a bit this week. With a heavy sigh, Sally stood and followed Johnny to the kitchen.

When Timothy joined them a few minutes later, Sally couldn’t help but notice the tears in his eyes. He was obviously as distressed about Mindy’s death as Hannah was, but at least he continued to eat and do his chores. Yet Timothy spoke very little about his feelings. Maybe he thought not talking about it would lessen the pain. Sally knew otherwise.

The three of them took seats at the table, and after their silent prayer, Sally passed a platter of scrambled eggs and ham to Timothy. He took a piece of the ham and a spoonful of eggs; then after handing the platter to Johnny, he said, “I appreciate all that you both have done, but you’ve been here almost two weeks now, and I think it’s time for you to go home.”