The Suicide Diary (10 page)

She chuckled in her familiar melodic and ladylike way. “Your brothers see life in much simpler terms than you ever have. You were never a carefree child but you were a happy one.” she said.

“I’m not entirely fine but I will be. Someone very clever once told me eventually things have a way of working themselves out.” I remembered her telling me this during our last luncheon and I noticed the twitch at the side of her mouth, but her eyes narrowed too and she took a breath as if to speak but I wanted to reassure her.

“It’s a long story involving a boy and I don’t really feel like going into it. And I suspect it wouldn’t do much good anyway. I’ve always been brought up to believe that dwelling on things never helped anyone.” I said, more to the cake in front of me than to her.

“Well that may be what your Mother has taught herself to believe because of that husband of hers walking out, however, that was only meant to help her cope, not as a way of life my dear. It doesn’t mean it’s best for everyone. You remember the notebook I gave you; maybe you should try that diary idea. It always helped me to write things down when I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone about my feelings.” she said and smiled at me again.

I nodded as if I was planning on taking her advice but at that point I had no intention of doing so. It seemed silly to expect that writing my feelings down on paper would help at all. It makes me sad to think that I’m using her idea to help me now in a very different way.

After seeing my Grandmother onto the train I walked alone through the town centre passing the twenty minutes until mine was due. I tried not to think about what she had said. Obviously I hadn’t been as careful with hiding my feelings as I’d thought. Or as I suspected, my Grandmother was just far more intuitive than most people.

When I thought I heard someone shout my name I flinched and looked around quickly, half fearful it might be Chris. My eyes finally fell on Anthony and for the first time in weeks a genuine smile for someone other than my family appeared across my face.

“Nina, I had to look twice when I thought I saw you across the street.” said Anthony.

My smile twisted into a sort of grimace at his remark. Ah yes that’ll be my pale skin, dark shadows under my eyes and all-round, generally looking like shit! I was a little surprised my Grandmther hadn’t pointed it out, but then she never was one to kick a dog while it was down.

Anthony gave me a tentative hug but held onto my elbow when he pulled back. It was as if he was scared I would run away and for a few moments I was tempted. As pleased as I was to see him, I didn’t want to have any kind of conversation about what had happened. We were causing a bit of a pedestrian jam so we started moving simultaneously along the street and after a minute he pulled me into a nearby coffee shop.

“Come on, we can get coffee and talk.” Oh well this was just a day for people wanting to talk to me and me wanting desperately to avoid doing so.

"My train is due in about ten minutes." I pleaded.

"And there'll be another one in half an hour. Coffee's on me." He smiled and I conceded, after all it was the least I owed him.

We talked about everything but my ex/his friend. I think he understood I wasn’t ready to talk about it, or maybe part of me knew he was just uncomfortable with the subject. As grateful as I was to him for being so kind, I was counting down the thirty minutes until I could say I had to run for my train again. When we said goodbye he pulled me close and hugged me tighter this time - it was like he was drawing in his last breath. It was deep and close and I found my jaw began to tremble against his chest but I tensed and blinked my eyes before pulling away.

Beep.

‘
It was good to see you today my darling. I have missed your company and we shall have to arrange another indulgence of cream cakes again soon. Xx
’ My Grandmother was more advanced with the wonders of technology than I could ever hope to be.

Beep.

‘
Nina, what a coincidence bumping into you today – let’s not leave it to chance next time. I’ve missed you. Ax.
’ And Anthony, gosh I was popular today! When I got up to leave he had taken my phone right out of my hand and entered his number into it before calling his so he had my number. He didn’t mention that I had a new number and I didn’t bother to explain.

When I didn’t reply, he text me again the following day and I knew I had to message back. I’d needed some time to process, but Anthony was a good guy and we had been friends for months before I’d cut him off.

Over the coming weeks we spent a little time together at his insistence. I had barely crossed the door since I’d last seen him, so it pleased my Mother to see me actually leaving my room which no doubt saved me from an imminent talk. Coffee or lunches were a little easier since we had the distraction of deciding what we wanted and eating. He had no expectations and we avoided the painful subject of his old friend.

Anthony and I talked at length about everything from movies, music and our friends - well his friends and I threw in the odd story about my brothers or people I remembered from school which helped avoid uncomfortable silences. He was still studying and had just begun his second year of university. The slim, blonde girl I last remembered seeing him with was no longer in the picture and he had moved into a flat with a classmate the week before.

Alex felt the same horror as this guy over what his friend had done to Nina, and yet there was something about Anthony he just didn't trust. He had inserted himself into her life and was getting more than a little comfortable. Alex lowered the diary onto his bed and ran his hands down his face. Only then did he noticed how dark the room was since the day had disappeared with the sun hours before. He carried the notebook to the kitchen since he couldn't seem to let it out of his sight now. Pouring a strong, black coffee, he took a sip and made his way to his bed to continue reading.

Each time I said goodbye to Anthony, he gave me something to put in my diary for the following week and so it went on. I couldn’t work out if spending time with me appeased some unnecessary feeling of guilt he held or if he somehow actually enjoyed my company. It doubted it was latter but I really didn’t want his pity either; I could rain on my own parade all by myself.

I felt like I couldn't say no to his invites after what he had done for me and it also kept my Mother's worrying about my hermit-like behaviour at bay. More recently, however, I had noticed a change in how Anthony was around me.

Those easy lunches became later and later until it was dinner and then there were invites to parties I had no desire to go to. A party was where I had met Chris and part of me was terrified I would bump into him. For all I managed to block out thoughts of him, the fact was he was still out there, probably enjoying life as if nothing had changed. On the other hand, for me everything had changed.

Anthony had taken to putting his arm around me and giving me a kiss on the cheek or on top of my head when we said goodnight. Whenever he would take my hand I would find an excuse to take it back. I didn’t think he felt anything for me other a misplaced sense of responsibility, but I thought it best to be over cautious and tried to reaffirm the friendship status by teasing him about girls and repeatedly him what a good friend he was. At first I tried to avoid any situation where he and I would be out too late and I at least was always sober.

I was too selfish to push him away completely since I realised he was the only friend I had since all my acquaintances had been Chris’s friends and I no longer saw anyone from school. My brother Joshua had given me tickets to his friend’s gig the following week and kept bugging me to go. Since I knew it was a fundraiser I hoped it would be pretty tame. Realising I didn’t actually have anyone else to invite I asked Anthony along.

It began early and the bands were pretty good, although none of them have since made any great claim to fame and I’ve forgotten most of their lyrics. I think I was one of the few sober people in the room but it was the closest I’d had to fun in a while. When the resident DJ took over at the end of the last set, I left my brother to enjoy the rest of the evening and Anthony and I walked side by side in the direction of the train station. Suddenly he stopped and tugged at my sleeve.

“Nina, look I’ve wanted to say this for a while. I just wasn’t sure how you feel.” He turned me to face him so he was close enough I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I knew he’d had at least a few drinks and he had a glazed look in his eyes. I tried to step back but there was a wall behind me and when his right hand gripped my side, I didn’t have much choice but to stand there and either listen to what he had to say or scream. Every part of me wanted to open my mouth and let out a cry but this was Anthony, not his friend. I couldn’t panic every time I was around someone who was a bit tipsy so I bit the inside of my lip to keep it shut and mentally gave him one minute.

“Well, with everything that…em with what happened...the thing is I like you”. His hand lowered to my hip and his eyes roamed over my body. Yeah he liked me alright, he wanted to like me right there against the wall. He must have been drunker than I realised, since I wasn't even his type. I cleared my throat and tried to speak the words in my head. I wasn’t ready for this on any level. After all he had done for me, I’d hoped Anthony and I could be friends.

“Anthony, I can’t. We can talk but not here and not like this. Please I want to go home.” I pleaded.

His eyes narrowed for just a second but he relented and we walked in silence the rest of the way to the taxi queue. Fifteen minutes later I climbed out of the taxi and made my way in to my flat. The night sounds filtered up from the street. The clock hit eleven and although I knew I was up at seven for work, going to bed was more habit than necessity. I knew I would lie awake for the next few hours. Pulling my top over my head and unclipping my bra barely passed a few minutes. I sat on the bed and began to take my leggings off when I heard a noise.

Suddenly there was a loud banging at my door. "Nina...Nina I know you're in there, I saw your light from the window." came Anthony’s voice.

I stood up and pulled on my pj's quickly, so I wouldn't have to answer to the door in my underwear.

"Let me in please. Nina, I fucked up okay, I want you and you know you want me. You gotta stop living in the past and loosen up otherwise you're going to end up alone." He banged the door again so loudly I thought it might come off the hinges.

My body folded back onto the bed only to slide to the floor. Even if he got through the door, I'd be hidden from view behind the bed.

The banging continued for another few minutes but after one last thump, it stopped just as suddenly as it started.

Only after I heard the outer door slam did I let out a breath.

The fact that not one of my neighbours bothered to come check I was okay after the noise was testament to how little a relationship I had with them. I lay on the floor behind my bed. When I woke in the morning the bottle of vodka next to me was empty but I barely remembered drinking it.

He text me the following day to apologise and asked to see me again a few days later and then again the next week when I said I was busy with work. Did I owe him for helping me? I thought about Anthony but no feelings came at all, I wasn’t sure if that meant I had none for him or if I had just pushed all my emotions so far down it was going to take a lot to bring any to the surface again. Even if I had been ready to be with someone, I knew it couldn’t be Anthony. For all I was grateful to him, he was a constant and uncomfortable reminder of what had happened between me and his ex-best friend.

When Anthony’s birthday came around a few weeks later, I bought him a CD of a band he vaguely liked which was as impersonal a gift I could find. He was having a ‘small gathering of classmates and family’ in his flat and after repeat reassurance that there was zero chance one particular friend would show up, I obligingly went along to try to join in the celebrations.

The flat was full of far more people than could be described as a small gathering. I also soon discovered that the only family members present were his two cousins who were already drunk when I arrived just before eight. Anthony was overly enthusiastic about my gift and insisted on introducing me to everyone. As the evening wore on I felt myself becoming more and more uncomfortable. I poured my own mixer of lemonade and lime into a tall glass which I carried around most of the night topping it up with more juice and ice every now and then.

Around quarter to eleven, I wanted to call a taxi to get me to the station in time for the last train. I went to get my coat hanging in the hallway but when I turned back to say goodbye I found Anthony had followed me.

“No, no, it’s my birthday. You have to stay Nina. No curfews on a birthday, it’s the rules.” he said.

“If I don’t leave soon, I’ll miss my train Anthony.” I replied.

“Well you can stay here. There’s lots of room and I have a big, double bed.” he countered.

His hands rested on my arms and his head was tilted down towards me as if he was going to kiss me.

“Anthony I know it’s your birthday but I’d only spoil it if I stayed any longer. I’m tired and I’m just not in the celebrating mood.” I said.

But he wasn’t listening and I stared at him in horror as he leaned into me.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.” And I pulled away from him and began to pull my coat around my shoulders.