The Suicide Diary (43 page)

“I thought you would move on with your life and be happy again like you were before you met me.” I replied.

“I wasn’t happy though, I just didn’t know that. Doing all the things my brother had talked about in his place, it was just an idea that turned to my life. You got through to me when no one else could.” said Alex.

“I didn’t do anything.” I said.

“Neither did I, we just met and things got better, at least for me. Look I never got to be there for the worst days of your life, and I truly hope you’ve seen the last of them. I know you can’t happy every single day, so I want to be there to hold your hand in the tough times and try to make you believe things will be alright again.” he said.

“Why, I don’t understand why would you want to help me?” I asked.

“Even through it all you still see the good in people, you still believe there’s kindness in the world and you always try to put others before yourself.” he said.

“You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. I love you Nina, I loved you even when you thought you had me at arm’s length, and even when you mistakenly thought you weren’t good enough for me, because the truth is I’m the one that would happily spend the rest of my life just trying to be good enough for you.” he said.

He reached down and took my hand and pulled me to my feet.

“I have a million other things I want to say to you, but the only one that matters is that I love you and I think that you love me too.” he continued.

‘If I loved him?’ The words echoed from my past, another boy had held my hand just as tightly and demanded that I loved him. But Alex was not demanding this of me; I could see the hope in his eyes. For some insane reason he wanted me to love him, and I think I knew then that if he thought it was right for me, he would walk away. He was selfless and kind and he loved me. He loved me, I’d never thought that was that possible before now.

The world stood still there for a moment and I looked through the window. I watched the children playing and laughing in the sunshine. The scars were more obvious in some than others, a few you only had to speak to, to get a glimpse of the trauma they had suffered, and how damaged they had been by life. And yet I loved them, all of them. It was never about pity, I had genuinely grown to care for each of them as individuals. Was it possible then that Alex could honestly love me as I was?

Stepping closer he took my face in his hand and stared into my eyes like he was looking into my soul. I had had so many dreams like this in the last few months. I grazed my cheek across his palm and closed my eyes just trying to hold onto the moment a bit longer.

He had kissed me in those dreams too but not like this. I could feel the heat from his lips, could feel the need and urgency as his mouth moved over mine. My eyes shot opened and I stared at him in shock.

“You’re real, you’re here” I exclaimed.

His gentle laugh was like an accompaniment to the rhythm of my heartbeat. I looked at him in awe replaying the words I now realised were not just a figment of my imagination.

“You can run and you can keep running Nina, I’m just going to come after you. So it’s your choice.” he said.

“I don’t want to run anymore. You make me want to stand still for the first time in my life. Does that sound crazy?” I asked.

“It’s the best thing anyone’s ever said to me.” he replied.

I felt tears run and not in an elegant fashion. My cheeks and neck were wet with them and I rubbed the stickiness too roughly from my eyes.

His lips touched mine gently at first and then the tension in my body melted as the burning need in me exploded. I hadn’t dared to hope for this until now. He kissed me back and I suddenly regretted we weren’t somewhere completely private. Then I pushed him back.

When I had pushed people away in the past, they had let go. Alex had fought for me. I know they say actions speak louder than words, but too often it was my actions that took me down the wrong road. I had to speak the words.

“I love you too.” I said.

I felt something cold on my wrist and looked down to find a simple, silver bracelet around it. It was delicate and exactly something I would have chosen myself.

“It’s beautiful.” I said.

“I’m glad you think so. My Grandmother left it in her will to my brother to give to the right girl but he never got the chance. He never got to feel like this about someone. I think he and my Grandmother would agree I’ve found someone worth giving it to.” he said.

1. Epilogue
   

I didn’t wake even once and swam dreamily to consciousness. I awoke slowly, my eyes adjusting to the sunlight streaming in the window. The small clock on the table said it was just before eight in the morning. I lay still, staring at the ceiling, stretching all my limbs, the numbness of sleep fading as I became more aware of my body. I gently stretched my fingers, my hands, arms, wiggled my toes, shifted my legs and then tensed my stomach muscles pulling myself up into a sitting position. Even with the blinds pulled tightly shut I could tell it was going to be a beautiful outside. The sunlight cast gentle shadows in the corner and I could see tiny dust motes dancing around the room. I lay for a while just watching them twirling merrily in the air.

The room was incredibly warm and I threw the sheet back and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I dropped lightly onto the floor, feeling the cool stone beneath my feet. I blinked in the direct sunlight as I pulled the blinds up. The light filtered into the room, scattering across the bed, the floor, and the furniture. Walking across the room, I began to hear the noises outside that must have woken me. Laughter. I grabbed my dressing gown and walked to the bathroom across the hall. Turning on the shower, I held my hand under the water until it felt bearable. I undressed and stepped quickly under the falling water.

Instinctively my body jolted against the cool water and goosebumps appeared on the surface of my skin. I stayed under, letting myself get used to the cold and let the water fall on to my hair, my forehead, my cheeks, caressing my lips and my neck, falling from the ends of my fingers and running under my feet and away. Those few precious minutes seemed like hours, before I hit the switch to stop the falling water and stepped out and wrapped a towel around my body. The sweltering heat meant I was mostly dry by the time I was pulling clothes from the old wardrobe. I sighed with feeling and smiled to myself, this was home.

I turned too quickly and had to grab onto the dressing table to steady myself. In doing so I almost knocked the book lying there onto the floor. A neat little, black, velvet book – it was my diary. If it was here then last night wasn’t a dream and that meant Alex was really here.

I threw my dress over my head, not bothering with shoes and ran outside, following the sound of the laughter. I turned a corner to meet the familiar faces of my little friends who were causing all the noise that woke me. Three of the kids broke off towards me and I found myself in a tangled mess of arms wrapping me up in a group hug.

The truth is I feel more for each of the eighteen children here than I could possibly have imagined. It’s a happy place but with many, many sad stories. Many of them are orphans, others abandoned and some taken for their own protection. Some of them have been here for years, a few thankfully were too young to remember much of their first few years of life. Even for me, it was hard at first not to want to wrap each and every one of them up and keep them safe. I saw him sat with some of the children and Agnese and started an awkward walk towards them with the three kids still attached to my sides.

I knew in my heart that I wasn't the one doing the saving, these kids, the friends I had made here and yes even Alex - they had taught me strength and courage. All this time I’ve spent blaming myself for my mistakes and perhaps I needed to be saved from myself. Well, just maybe I don't need to wait for heaven or reincarnation. Just maybe I can make something of this life. I guess looking back, I was a survivor. It may sound strange but I know I tried. I’m not saying I tried as much as others would or could have, but I gave it all I had. It may not seem enough to you and to some, but it was all I was capable of giving in life.

A story should have a beginning, middle and an end. It had started out as a suicide letter which should have been all about my ending, and yet I soon found myself back at the start working through a list of reasons to go through with it. Somewhere in the middle things changed and I found they weren’t really reasons anymore.

My letter became a diary and as sentimental as it sounds it has been my salvation. When I began to realise I wanted to live I had no intentions of finishing my story, it should be another unchecked box on the long list of things I began with enthusiasm, which trickled away until I moved onto something else. And yet here I am working on it anyway. It’s still unfinished as I have no idea what’s going to happen next.

I ran off into the sunset alone and now Alex has joined me and for the past week we’ve sat and watched it set every evening together. I’m not sure if we’ll stay here and I know we’ll make the decision together. I finally found something to spend my Grandmother’s money on and I have a feeling she might even be proud of me for it.

As I sat by Alex, I felt his jaw brush mine when he whispered hello to me. He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead, and stayed there for a moment. He rested his head against mine, his eyelashes tickled my cheek but I didn’t say anything – that gentle barely there touch was a good feeling.

He was like the physical embodiment of the belief that even I could be loved. The first night we had spent together when he arrived had the innocence and sweetness of a first time and yet the expert confidence of one who devotes a lifetime to such pleasure. It was indescribably perfect. A tiny part of me felt just a little smug that we should fit together in this way, when it felt like everything else in my life at one time or another had fallen apart.

“I’m so happy I get to have you.” I whispered.

“And you can keep me.” he replied.

I remember a saying I heard a long time ago that said if you truly love someone set them free, and if they return your love they will come back to you. In my case I didn’t just let Alex go, I packed my bags and ran for the hills and yet he followed my trail and found me. He says he loves me and I think I may just believe him.

So this time I’m giving it a chance, not just Alex and this relationship but myself. I’m really trying to believe that I deserve to feel this happy. Apparently love isn’t about ignoring a person’s flaws and loving just the good parts. I tried to hide my past and hope what was left over was enough to give. But my choices are a part of me, such a huge part that I am who I am because of them. A good friend once told me ‘Love is giving someone the power to hurt you but trusting them not to.’ This time I can’t use any of my old excuses, Alex knows everything and he says he loves me; screw ups, baggage, drama and all. I can’t seem to come up with any new excuses, and of course I do have this one little reason to stay. I love him.

He’s keeping hold of my passport – just in case.

The End