The Suicide Diary (38 page)

“What? I asked, the shock registered on my face.

“I’m going to be a Dad.” he said. “We’re having a baby and in about seven months you will have a little niece or nephew.” said Matthew.

“I’m going to be an Aunt?” I said.

“Yes.” he smiled “Nina, it’s hard to explain, this feeling when you know you’re going to be a parent. I can’t imagine anything in the world that would make me leave my child, but at the same time, I get it. I think it took me until now to understand.” he said.

I knew he was referring to our Father so I nodded and let him continue.             

“I still don’t think it was the right thing to do but he didn’t just suddenly leave us for no reason, I think in his own misguided way he tried to let us have a better life without him. I grew up being so at him, but I didn’t have to deal with the consequences of having an alcoholic in our lives day in and day out. Maybe we got the better of two pretty sucky situations you know.” he said.

“You think you could ever forgive him? I asked.

“I’m not sure yet. I’ve spoken to him a few times now and it’s really been tough, but baby steps.” then he laughed. “I’m going to be a Dad!” and he smiled at me. I couldn’t remember ever seeing my big brother smile quite so broadly at me before.

I reached out and hugged him again and this time he held me tightly like he hadn’t seen me in a really long time and somehow it felt like that too.

On my way home I thought a lot about my two brothers and how different they were and yet they had both surprised me. I’d always known Joshua had a gentle nature and yet he been the bravest of us in wanting to meet our Father. He was the youngest and yet he was mature enough to come to me with his broken heart and ask for help rather than hide it away like I had always done. Matthew on the other hand, had opened up to me after all these years and I think we are a little closer now for it.

I’d tried my best to help Joshua after his break up and I’d done what I could for my Mother throughout her, and now if I decide to stay then I will become an aunt to Matthew and Amelia’s baby. I’d closed off my heart to anyone but family but that’s exactly what he or she would be - I don’t want to be just a name and a person in a photograph that the child would never know. My family matters more to me than any suffering I could possibly endure. I would give my life for my brothers and my Mother, so could I live for them?

I was two months overdue on most of my bills, although I’d managed to pay the rent to at least keep the roof over my head, the electricity had been cut off and my cupboards were bare.  My lease had only a few months left on it and the landlord had already warned me I would be out by the end of it.

If I didn’t find a job soon, I would have the choice of either asking to move back home or using the money my Grandmother had left me to pay bills when I knew that wasn’t what it had been intended for. The third option was going through with my original plan and then I wouldn’t have to worry about money at all. I suddenly realised I hadn’t even thought about writing a will to leave my Grandmother’s money for my family, I didn’t even know how the system worked if I didn’t have one.

Walking unsteadily into the room I try to feel my way in the dark. I reach for the switch only to remember the power was cut off since I hadn’t paid my bill in two months. Something slides under foot and I topple forward. Something cold and smooth connects with my head and arm and I fall to the ground to the sound of shattering glass. I sit awkwardly on the floor with my back against the wall. My head feels suddenly very heavy and I have the overwhelming sensation to fall asleep but something in me tugs at my consciousness. I manage to pull my mobile phone from my pocket and hit redial thankful I hadn't had the money to be calling takeout lately.

“Hello.” said the distant voice.

Alex. His voice was warm and familiar and I realised I hadn’t spoken to him in a week and yet he was still my last number called. My thoughts kept straying but his voice pulled me back.

“Nina, I can hear you breathing.” He sounded mildy annoyed.

“Alex.” I breathed his name but it was a strain.

"Nina, Nina what’s wrong? Are you okay? Talk to me, please.” he said, his tone changed.

“I…fell…head hurts.” I said.

“Nina I’m on my way, I’ll be five minutes, just stay on the line with me sweetheart.” he replied.

He called me sweetheart I thought. I wondered why he sounded so worried, I didn’t want him to worry, he should be happy and with someone who deserves him. And yet he was coming to see me.

“Alex…something…should have told you…” I stuttered.

And then everything went dark just a second after I heard something hard hit the floor.

I wake up and everything is white. There is a white light above me and it’s very still and peaceful. I wondered if I was in heaven after all or if hell just had a nice waiting room.

My head felt heavy but I was very relaxed and felt rested. I couldn’t recall how I’d got here or even where was. The slow breathing of another person alerted me to the fact I was not alone. Alex sat on a chair to my left, slumped to the side and his eyes were closed.

Then I began to take in the rest of the room, the needle in my right arm, the curtain around the bed half pulled back and window that looked out on to a corridor. It looked exactly like a hospital room.

I watched the monitors for a while and listened to the gentle murmur of on goings outside my room.

“You’re awake.” Alex said.

I tried to whip my head around at the sound of his voice, but my vision blacked and I was glad I was already lying down. I didn’t want him to be here, as irrational as it was I wanted to hide so he couldn’t see me like this, so weak and pathetic.

“Nina, do you know where you are?” his voice again.

I nodded and then gasped as my head grazed the pillow. Clearly I had made a spectacular deal out of falling down this time.

“I think you tripped and fell into your mirror; you bumped your head pretty bad so they’re running some routine tests. They couldn’t tell me how long before you would wake up, I’ve just been waiting…how do you feel? Sorry, stupid question. Can I get you anything?” he asked.

My mouth was dry and my throat felt raw. “Water please.” I asked in a cracked voice.

He poured some from a bottle in to a plastic cup and I sipped it slowly.

“Is em, is anyone else…” I began.

“No, it’s just me.” he returned.

Since I’d gotten to know Alex, he been had proverbially holding my hair back during this sickness I’d been going through and here he was again sat by my hospital bed.

“Oh right, thank you for being here, you really didn’t have to stay around, it must’ve been pretty boring hanging around a hospital for hours by yourself.” I said.

“Nina it’s been three days and your family’s been here every one of them. You remember this isn’t the most comfortable place for guests, so I told them to go home and get some sleep. Everyone’s been taking turns to visit you day and night but the doctors said you would regain consciousness in your own time.” he said.

I had the decency to look abashed. Trying to think what had happened, I remembered feeling lightheaded and then the floor coming up to me in a rush. As everything went black I’d expected to see my life flash before my eyes like they say happens, but all I could think of was how many regrets I had.

They kept me in for another twenty-four hours for observation but once I had the all clear I was allowed to leave. My Mother insisted I come home – “just for a few days” – and then she would take me shopping for a new mirror. Alex had said he would speak to the landlord about my lights, since the fuse must have blown. I said I would take care of it and changed the subject.

After a week at home I was ready to go back to my flat and Alex came to pick me up since my car was still parked outside my flat where I had left it. When my Mother opened the door to him, she hugged him like he was an old friend.

She insisted he come in for lunch and he walked in to the house like it was already familiar to him. After we had finished, he helped stacked the dishes in the dishwasher and complimented my Mother’s food. She was smiling from ear to ear and I just wanted a hole to open up and swallow me. I knew at some point in my near future I would be at the receiving end of a conversation about what a wonderful young man Alex was and how I should really make more of an effort with my hair, in her less than subtle way.

"Oh I almost forgot, I got given tickets for Phantom of the Opera from a client, but I thought it would be something nice for you now you’re feeling better. Alex I remember you mentioned you both share a love for the arts.” she said.

"I'd love to go." said Alex.

I wondered how much Alex and my Mother had spoken while I lay unconscious in the hospital. She hadn’t even known he existed until he called her to say her daughter had had an accident. To be fair, over the course of my twenty-five years, there had been several incidents where various neighbours and friends of the family had had to do the same.

It was just two friends using tickets that were going to go to waste. I could have taken Joshua who enjoyed the theatre almost as much as I did, but Phantom wasn’t one of his favourites.

“Anyway I best get a few snacks laid out before our guests arrive.” said my Mother.

“Guests?” I asked.

“Yes, well I thought we might have a little get-together here with your friends before you go back to your flat.” she replied.

“Why?” I asked.

“Nina, you may have forgotten, but I will always want to celebrate my only daughter’s birthday.” she responded.

“My birthday…” I said half to myself. How had I managed to forget my own birthday – when did it become March already?

I think that bump to the head must have been harder than the doctor’s thought.” said my Mother and laughed gently. “Perhaps you should take it easy on the bubbly tonight!”

I watched as she opened a cupboard and began pulling out various celebratory paraphernalia. “Alex do you think you could put these plates on the living room table and then help Nina choose something with a bit of colour to wear, otherwise I’ve no doubt she’ll just keep on her black leggings.” she said.

I walked slowly towards the stairs, hyper aware of Alex right behind me. Treading lightly on the steps, I missed the third and fifth step as always only to hear them creak as Alex pressed his weight on to them.

“Sorry it’s a pretty old house, no matter what my Mother tries, some of it just creaks so she now refers to it as
character
.” I said, aware that I was rambling. I pushed open the door to my old room where I had slept for the last few nights and stepped in with Alex in tow.

I watched him looking around the room with an open curiosity; there wasn’t much of ‘me’ in the room since it was my Mother who had decorated it. He smiled at the photo of my Grandmother and me as a child on the vanity table.

Between us we finally agreed on a simple pale grey dress that flared out at the waist, and I added a necklace that my Grandmother had given me and a pair of low heels. I had dressed in my tiny bathroom and felt more than a little awkward walking back in to my room with Alex waiting there. He was sat on the bed and looking around the room, so when I stepped out he turned back to look at me. His eyes ran down to my toes and back up to my face and he smiled and nodded.

Without saying a word he held open the bedroom door for me and I looked quickly at him and smiled a little before returning my eyes to the floor! Walking around the top landing, we neared the stairs and I felt his hand touch my shoulder “I know it’s a few days early…” he said and he leant down and kissed my cheek lightly. “Happy Birthday Nina.”

My hand gripped the stair bannister as I walked down, trying not to lose my balance in my distraction. Kara had arrived and was helping my Mother put snacks onto the plates Alex had laid out earlier. She looked up and smiled as Alex and I walked down the stairs together. Her eyebrow began to raise but then she looked away quickly as if she knew better.

Lucy and Melissa came through the door giggling and laughing moments later, followed by a few of the girls I had met through them at the occasional group night out. It was never going to be as busy as Joshua’s birthday party, yet there were far more people than I imagined in the house within the hour. Familiar faces from university, some of the staff from the Gin bar, Ali and his boyfriend made up the people I knew. Joshua had invited some of his close friends and Matthew brought Amelia who was beginning to show her bump and had a glow of the kind of pregnancy that most women can only dream of. My thoughts wavered for a moment as I watched the two them with their arms around each other and I wondered what it might have been like for me if things had been different.

I pushed my thoughts to the back of my mind and joined in the conversation with Kara about her upcoming wedding.  The girls were chattering over each other and it was nice to lose myself in their excitement.  The night disappeared quickly and people began to leave to go to a club or head home or wherever else the night took them.

“Hey bro, how you doing?” I asked my little brother as he pulled on his jacket to join his friends.

“Yeah I’m doing okay.” he replied and pulled up the sides of his mouth but it wasn’t quite a smile. “It’s hard but time and healing and all that eh! My friends have been good, I’m just not ready to move on just yet.” he said and I noticed his eyes flicker over my shoulder.