The Suicide Diary (41 page)

I could have argued or pretended to be ill; the truth was I just happy to see him. So I smiled, finished my food and hurried to shower and change. I was ready long before my ninety minutes were up and he looked impressed as he glanced at the clock on my wall.

We arrived and the place was already busy with people in every corner of the flat. Alex’s friend had just moved in to his first proper place now that they were almost finished university.

“Nina, this is my very good friend DJ, and DJ this is Nina.” said Alex.

“Hi” I said and extended my hand towards the tall guy in front of me.

“Ah we don’t hand shaking amongst friends.” he replied and pulled me in to a bear hug.

I almost stumbled trying to keep my balance once he let me go and Alex cupped my elbow to steady me. When I looked up to thank him he had that same look he had at the wedding and for a moment I thought he might kiss me again. I smiled politely at him and lifted my arm back to my side.

The music wasn’t familiar but then I couldn’t recall the last time I had listened to a radio station.  There were people sitting on every surface, or standing in small groups or leaning against the wall flirting with one another.

The cold liquid poured straight down my front and the red colour spread across my front making an almost pretty pattern. Just great! The drunken girl who had just spilled her entire drink down me stuttered a sorry and stumbled on her merry way. I pushed my way through the groups of people looking for the bathroom but it was full.

“Hey there’s an en-suite just through there.” said a girl when she noticed the mess of my top. I followed her gesture to the bedroom and closed the door over. Thankfully the floor was tiled and not a cream carpet because I was dripping everywhere. Grabbing a towel from the bathroom and stripping down to my underwear I attempted to dry the ends of my hair and damp skin. I was either going to have to leave in my damp dress or find something else to wear so I could rejoin the party. The first option actually seemed more preferable. I hadn’t heard the door open behind me or the person come into the room.

I did smell the alcohol on his breathe as the guy leered at me in my undressed state. I pulled a towel around myself quickly. He’d introduced himself earlier as Dean and he had seemed pretty harmless but then I was a pretty bad judge of character. I could see he was pretty far gone so it made me wary that we were now alone. He stepped too close to me and trailed his fingers down my right arm.

“Seems like it would be more fun in here than out there.” he said, his words slurred and slow.

“Dean, I’m flattered but really I should go.” I said.

“You know my name, have we met before?” he asked.

“I just met you tonight. Look there are far prettier girls out there and I’m sure plenty of them willing to get to know you better.” I said and managed to side step him.

“I like a girl who doesn’t realise she’s the prettiest girl in the room.” he said and followed me back from the en-suite to the bedroom. I felt his hand grasp mine, not tightly but enough that he held me there.

“Dean, I’m the only girl in the room and you’re making me a little nervous.” I replied.

“I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry, I just wanted to talk to you.” he said and he let me but when he stepped back he hit the edge of the bed and began to topple backwards. His hands reached out and I instinctively tried to stop him falling only to get pulled forward.

So I can only imagine how it must have looked when Alex walked into the room that precise moment to find us on the bed, limbs entangled and me wearing very little. I had wanted him to see that I wasn’t good for him and I knew from the look in his eyes that I was exactly what he thought now.

His hand reached for the wall – I wasn’t sure if it was to steady himself or to grip something so he wouldn’t lunge forward. My mind flinched at the thought but I knew in my heart even if he had let anger fuel him it wouldn’t have been directed at me. I could hear Dean trying to deny it for Alex and my sake, but he was so drunk he could barely get the words out and I said nothing to collaborate his claims of falling over.  I couldn’t look him in the eye so I stared the floor which probably only made me look even more guilty.

I wanted him to be angry with me, to hate me so it would be easier to walk away from him. All I saw was pain in his eyes and I struggled not to run to him and tell him the truth. I reminded myself sternly of the reasons I needed to leave that room and never see Alex again. My legs felt like stone as I pushed myself towards the door, my heart raced although I’d have sworn it was dead and my eyes burned with the need to cry.

I wanted to crawl into bed and miss Alex in private. I searched for ‘kissing me’ on my music player and lay down on the bed to listen to the soothing melody. And even in the few moments in between not thinking about him, I’m still not at peace. A song I’d heard in his presence or the smell of coffee, and I’m right back there. My eyes kept straying to my phone. I wasn’t expecting to hear from him of course. And this was what I wanted. I was free and life would be simple again. So why did I feel so empty?

I have a book I’ve had for a long time; it’s filled with beautiful short poems by Rod McKuen. I found it one day in our attic buried under a pile of books belonging to various members of my family. On the inside hardback cover it said “For the words I cannot say myself, all my love.” It had been a gift from my Father to my Mother when they were dating. One of the poems that always stuck with me goes:

‘The cost of one warm moment

is considerable

but worth the poverty

that always staying private means.’

Now I understand its meaning. Only now do I know the worth of love and how much it pains to suffer its loss.  And yet if I could go back I would go through it all again, and perhaps I am likening love to self-harm here because I willingly went into something so immense believing I couldn’t stay.

I emailed Amy that night, ‘How long do you think it takes to truly get over someone?’

She messaged back within an hour. ’Nina, how long is a piece of string? Feelings aren’t like turning off a tap. From the way you’ve talked about him, I knew it was more than friendship but I didn’t want to scare you by pointing it out. I guessed you would figure it out on your own.

It might feel like these emotions have come out of nowhere and you’re struggling to deal with them. I know that once you’ve made up your mind there is no point in trying to talk sense to you, so if you’ve made up your mind that you really can’t be with him, then you’ll just have to take your time and time will heal all wounds as they say.  Just try not to think about him every second of the day.’

And so I spent the next two hours laid on my bed failing to do just that. I couldn’t even control my own thoughts; I cursed my own mind for its thoughts and my heart for its feelings. I’d rather break my own heart than be with Alex and have him break it for me. I don’t want to forget him but the memories are bittersweet. And even though I can’t have him I want him to be happy. As painful as it is to think of him with someone else, I’m not so selfish or naive enough to think that he will remain alone for long.

My Mother told me I was running away again. But that is not entirely the truth. Years before I’d found a place I could make a difference, a place I can do better and be better. I just hadn’t realised it at the time but now I understood, bad things had happened in my life but I couldn’t let it make me worthless when I could try to make a difference for other people.

I was going to leave the rain behind and head back to the sunshine. Well at least in the physical sense, as for the emotional side that remains to be seen. I had fallen down so many times and I admit I’d lost all hope I would make it through. I had wanted to take the so-called ‘easy way out’, in fact it had been one of the hardest things I had ever tried to do, just not quite as hard as trying to live.

I’d packed up my things so many times, I was an expert at it. It helped that I really didn’t have many possessions and I had mostly photographs and a few sentimental keepsakes which weren’t too heavy. I had no furniture of my own and all of my clothes, jewellery and various bits and pieces fit into three boxes. I held the photographs and looked through them slowly. In every single one I had taken the picture and it reflected my life, I was present but never really there in the lives of family and friends. It hurt even more because it was my actions and my own mistakes that had led to this.

“Joshua I have a bag of clothes that I was going to give to Lucy but she doesn’t have a car to collect them, could you do me the biggest favour and take them to her please?” I asked.

“Lucy is the blonde one right?” he asked as if he didn’t know.

Yeah, and I know you which one she is because you spent half the night at your birthday party talking to her!” I replied and he smiled shyly.

“Yeah sure, I can drop them off right now.” His voice was casual but I could see how keen he was to visit my friend. I thought I should probably give her at least some warning before my brother showed up on her doorstep, not least because she’d kill me if I didn’t. Ah maybe I should have thought of this when I was suicidal….not funny, maybe too soon to be making jokes about that. Although humour is the magic that heals right.

I watched my tall, confident brother walk to his car carrying the overstuffed bag of clothes and said a wish for him and Lucy. When I got to Italy I planned to buy a new phone with a number that only a couple of people would have. No one could contact me unless I gave them my number so no unexpected texts or calls.

Part of me wished I could at least say goodbye to him before I left. No that was a lie. I didn’t want to say goodbye at all. I just can’t find the strength to stay.  For him to realise I can’t be saved and watch him eventually meet and fall in love with someone else. It was better this way. He will meet someone that can love him in the right way, while I could never hope to be the kind of person he might really fall in love with.

I couldn’t even learn to love myself, what chance was there that Alex would want someone so broken. And despite believing to my core that I am no longer capable of showing real love or being loved by anyone other than those obliged to me, as I write these last words I can feel my already ruined heart finally shatter.

Alex, just as you left a note for me, I leave one for you even though you will never read this. Somehow it feels right to put these words down, just to put them out there in the world.

It would be selfish for me to allow you to continue to be a part of my life. You will always be the best thing I never knew I needed and will never deserve. I wish you happiness and to forget me as I will always remember you.

I had one more thing to do before I left and so I drove the twenty mile round trip to visit my Grandmother’s resting place. Dusk was settling in and the cemetery was all but empty. I walked along the peaceful walkway until I found the right one. I changed the flowers for my fresh ones and sat on my jacket while I spoke quietly to her just like I used to when she sat by my side and listened to me. The stone was grey marble and I read the engraving for what must have been my hundredth time since it had been placed there years before.

‘You were loved more than you knew and still loved though you are gone. And even though you are gone, you are still with us.’

My belongings I was taking with me were all ready to go to the airport and the rest were home, including my diary which I had left hidden on my shelf. I coudn’t bring myself to destroy it and yet it felt wrong to take it with me.

Alex recalled the moment he had thought of looking for her diary less than a week ago. He had only left his flat for uni and work and it hadn’t left his side for a moment.

“Alex, you know I can’t remember the last time we had lunch together. I’ve missed this, I’ve missed you.” said his Mother.

He had the decency to look guilty as she spoke. “I know I haven’t been around much but it’s my final year and I have so much to do.” he replied.

“I don’t believe that’s the real reason you’ve stayed away. I know it’s painful for you to be here, surrounded by so many memories even after all these years. It’s been difficult for all of us but we still need to help each other through it. And I would love it so if you came home more often. It would mean the world to your Father. I know sometimes he feels he’s lost both of you.” said his Mother.

Alex watched as her eyes brimmed with tears and realised this is why he had stayed away. He couldn’t bear to see the pain in his Mother’s eyes and listen to his Father’s voice break. Their suffering only served to make it real when he invested so much time in pretending his brother’s death hadn’t happened.

“I’m sorry, you’re right, it has been hard but I guess it was easier for me to just get on with my life and being here brings it all back.” he replied.

“Alex I need to say something to you and I want you to try to understand. Your brother spent his life planning and always seeking something he never found. He set his sights on the horizon, but the closer he got, the further away it was. I sometimes wonder if perhaps you are really trying to make the most of your life, as you say, by travelling and doing all these wonderful things, or if you are just trying to live your brother’s life for him because you feel guilty that you are alive and he’s not.” she said.